by Natalie Ann
Dena watched Matt’s reaction to that news, to see if he’d make any comment about leaving warm weather to come here. Uprooting his whole life for a woman. Anything.
But there was nothing but a smile on his face.
“That’s my wife, Mallory, over in the rocking chair with our son, Blake, in her arms. He’s a little fussy today for some reason. You might wonder how I got in the group, but Mallory and Quinn are best friends.”
“That’s the gang,” Dena said to Matt. “Welcome to chaos.”
***
Matt thought he’d feel uncomfortable around all of Dena’s friends but found it wasn’t that bad.
No one was passing judgment on him.
No one was giving him a hard time about what he’d done in the past to Dena.
Then again, half the people in this room didn’t know him back then. And those that did weren’t friends with them growing up.
He’d been nursing a beer and Dena had left his side to go talk with Amber when Caleb made his way over. “Sorry I’m just getting over here to say hi.”
“Not a problem,” Matt said. “It takes a bit to get used to this group, doesn’t it?”
Caleb snorted. “I like my peace and quiet, but Celeste drags me out to these things now and again. We can’t stay long because she needs to get back to the B&B to get dinner ready for her guests. That’s part of the reason this turned into an afternoon thing.”
“And Cole has to work, right?” Matt asked, remembering how it was when he was in the house as a teen. The rotating hours, nights and days.
“Yeah. He has to be in by six, so they’ll leave around four so he can go home and get ready, I’m sure. This was just a quick get together to meet you. Don’t take it to heart.”
Matt choked on that. “It’s hard not to.”
“From one outsider to the next, just ignore everyone and focus on Dena.”
“Good advice to have.”
“It’s a good group, but they are very tight. They watch out for their own. I don’t know your story and it’s not my business. But I can tell you, you’re the first guy Dena has brought to this group. Take that for what it’s worth.”
“Thanks.”
Focus On Other Things
“It wasn’t so bad, was it?” Dena asked when they were on their way home. Everyone had left but Riley and Trevor at this point. She didn’t want to overstay her welcome knowing Quinn had some cleanup to do and was pushing everyone out of the house but family. Most everyone left at the same time.
“Not at all. It was a lot to take in, but I think I handled myself fairly well.”
He did. “I didn’t expect any differently. Everyone is great.”
“I guess I was shocked to see how many people aren’t from the area,” he said.
“The only ones originally from Lake Placid are the ones you know. Everyone’s spouses moved here. Max and Quinn aren’t from here at all. Neither of them had any ties to the area. Actually Mallory is from Richmond too, I think. Rene and Nick knew her when they were younger, but she moved here.”
“Yeah, I guess my hatred for the area had more to do with my feelings as a kid in a broken family than what they are now.”
“And what are they right now?” she asked, holding some hope that things were slowly changing.
“That I was judgmental for other reasons that had nothing to do with you or us. That now as an adult I have to focus on other things.”
“What things are those?” she asked.
“You. Us. I know you’re waiting for me to bolt. I can see it in your eyes all the time. I could see it when you introduced me to everyone. It’s not going to happen, Dena. I’m not sure what I can do to make you believe that other than to keep standing by your side. To keep telling you what I feel, what I want, and what I need.”
“That’s a start,” she said.
“It’s early yet,” he said. “I know I’m not hungry by any means, but how about we rent a movie and snuggle in for the night?”
“We can do that,” she said. “We used to do that a lot before when we had an empty house.”
“It was so hard to find time alone back then. We were lucky your father was gone as much as he was.”
She was surprised her father never had a problem with her and Matt being in the house alone so much back then. Then she wondered if he just let her do what she wanted because she’d always been responsible.
She and her father never fought much when she was growing up. They never butted heads. She never rebelled and he never forced his opinions and rules on her so harshly that she was resentful of him like other teens were with their fathers.
More things for her to think about. Was it because he was afraid she’d leave? Which she did for college. But she always came back. Every break she had, he was there picking her up, or she was in her car coming back as fast as she could.
Or was it because he figured her life was hard enough without a mother and he was trying to spoil her?
Which he did. She never really wanted for much growing up. They weren’t wealthy by any means, but she didn’t want for anything either. She thought she had a good life for the most part.
It would have been better if she’d had Matt by her side all this time, but she’d learned a lot being on her own.
She learned that she was stronger than she ever thought she’d be.
She learned that she didn’t need a man, but damn it all, she kind of wanted one. And she wanted the one next to her.
She wanted him more now than she ever did as a teen. And wasn’t that part of growing up?
***
“I think your father trusted me,” Matt said looking at her in the car. He remembered that Conrad and he had a few heart to hearts over the years that Dena wasn’t privy to.
He never told Dena about those conversations and he suspected her father never had either.
“He did. I’m still surprised though. I mean, think about it, we were two horny teenagers. Don’t get me wrong, he and I had the embarrassing sex talk a few times about being responsible, but I think he knew I wouldn’t risk my future and neither would you.”
“No,” he said. “I wouldn’t have put either one of us in that position.”
“That’s probably why we were double protected, just like now,” she said, smiling at him in the car.
“What do you mean by double protected?”
“I’ve been on the pill since I was sixteen, Matt. I never told you. My father didn’t want to take any chances and he and I talked about it. He asked that I always protected myself from diseases, but we both wanted to be protected from an unplanned child.”
He kind of felt deceived that he never knew that. “Why didn’t you tell me? I wouldn’t have cared. I would have still used a condom.”
“Would you have?” she asked. “We were still each other’s first. No risk of disease back then. I didn’t want to take that risk or worry about that pressure. I really was more concerned about getting pregnant by mistake. My mother got pregnant and that is why my parents married.”
“I didn’t know that,” he said. He wondered why he never knew that either. How many things about Dena didn’t he know about? Talk about feeling some deception.
“It’s not something you just announce. You know she left when I was ten. She wasn’t happy here or with my father. The truth is, she probably never wanted to get married to begin with, but my father was a family man. She found out she was pregnant and he did the right thing.”
“It’s not the right thing if two people don’t love each other,” he argued.
“I believe my father loved my mother. I’m not sure what my mother thought or felt. I just remember her always being miserable. Always wanting to fight and never wanting to be around me. I wonder if she resented me too.”
He reached his hand over and put it on hers. “I don’t believe that. Do you really?” He’d hate to think any mother resented their child.
“I have no clue. It doesn’t matter and it
’s in the past now. I’m not even sure why I brought it up, if you want to be honest.”
“My parents didn’t get along either,” he said. “Obviously, since they divorced. Did you ever worry that you might end up a statistic too?”
“No,” she said without hesitation. “I just thought what we had was right. We never fought. We never had any problems. I still don’t know why you ended things like you did, but I guess it doesn’t matter now.”
“It does matter,” he said, not sure he wanted to tell her, though part of him felt they needed to clear the air.
“Why?” she asked, pulling into her driveway.
“Because I think you need to know to understand. It’s not an excuse but an explanation. It still might not make sense to you at all, but I want to at least tell you.”
“Let’s take this conversation into the house then,” she said. Once they were in her house, she went about making some coffee and putting his in front of him. “Okay, so tell me what happened back then. What did I miss so much?”
“I won’t bore you with some things again. That I said I didn’t want to be here because I didn’t think I could achieve what I wanted in life if I stayed here.”
“Yep, we don’t need to go over that again,” she said.
His pride was going to take a hit right now talking about this, but if he couldn’t say it to her, he knew he wouldn’t be able to say it to anyone.
“I thought the world of Randall,” he said. It seemed Randall was the only one taking an interest in him back then other than Dena and when he was done listening to Randall half the time he wasn’t sure of Dena’s commitment to him either.
“No shit,” she said back. “An idiot could have figured that out.”
Her sarcasm wasn’t lost on him at all. “I was easily swayed by him. I know you two never met and you wouldn’t have cared for him if you had.”
“I’m sure of it. Especially with everything else you’ve said about him.”
“I loved you so much back then. It seemed no one wanted me. My father, my mother. I was trying to figure out my place in life and what I could do to get everyone to accept me. And in the midst of all the family drama, there was my older stepbrother pulling me under his wing and guiding me.”
“Misguiding you,” she said, snorting.
“I know that now. I didn’t then. But he’d shown me everything I could have when I was visiting there. A big career as a New York attorney. He also talked about the parties and the women. And though I never did any of those things he’d said he did, he kept saying, ‘If Dena doesn’t want to follow you, does she really love you?’”
“Asshole,” Dena said. “I hope I never meet him.”
He was sure they would at some point. Because if he got what he wanted, and they walked down the aisle, he was giving her a huge wedding and he couldn’t see Randall not being in attendance. Something to worry about another day.
“I’m at fault for believing him. For thinking he was going to be the one to give me everything I had dreamed about. I’m at fault for not following my heart and believing in you. I’ll never make that mistake ever again.”
How We Feel
“Do you think we’ve got a future together?” Dena asked Matt one day after school. They’d been dating for almost two years now and everyone thought they made the cutest couple. She was still wondering how she got so lucky to catch his eye. The new kid. The hot new kid was looking her way.
“I do. Why would you ask that?” He set his book bag down on the coffee table. They’d stopped for a quick slice of pizza and would do their homework together before he went home. This was a routine they had a few days a week and she loved it.
“I don’t know,” she said, shrugging. “We just talk about it all the time, but then I wonder if you are just saying it to humor me.”
He pulled her closer and put his lips to hers. “I would never do that. I’ll always be honest with you. I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t believe it.”
“I love you so much, Matt. I wonder if this is real or not. How did I find this so young and are we crazy to be thinking of it at our ages?”
“Why does our age matter if it’s how we feel?”
“You’re right. Let’s go upstairs to my room,” she said, grabbing his hand.
His eyes had lit up. “What are we going to do up there?” he asked.
“What you’ve been wanting. What I’ve been wanting. It’s time now, don’t you think?”
He’d pulled her into his arms and held her tight. “I’ll always treasure you, Dena. I’ll be gentle. If you want to stop, we can.”
“I won’t want to. I have just been waiting for the right time and I think this is it.”
“What made you decide now was the time?” he asked as he followed her to her room.
“That you said you’ll always be honest with me.”
“So you broke things off with me because you believed that Randall was telling you you’d have a better life there and that if I wasn’t following you, then I didn’t love you enough?” Dena asked him now, pushing away the memories of the first time she and Matt had been intimate. A day she’d always hold dear to her heart as one of the best of her life.
How he’d held her tight and took his time. That he was more afraid than her that he was going to hurt her.
Sure, it’d hurt like she knew it would, but it wasn’t so painful that she wanted to stop. It was done and over with relatively fast.
“I was late to meet you because he’d called me. He was going on and on that if I was going to do it that I should do it now before I left. That I should do it to your face. That leaving and coming back to do it would be worse. That you’d think I’d found someone else.”
“I would have,” she said.
That was the first thing she’d think of if he’d left and come back to break it off with her. Or didn’t come back at all and just broke it off over text or a phone call.
“I didn’t want you to think that either. I hadn’t even thought of breaking it off with you that night. I mean it’d been in my mind if what Randall was saying was true. Then I wondered if I was leading you on because I really didn’t want to come back. I guess he got in my head more than I thought.”
She’d never thought Matt lacked so much confidence and wondered if he’d held that back from her too. That he didn’t want her to think he was weak and didn’t know his own mind when she’d always thought he was one of the strongest men she’d known.
Then she started to wonder how much of his feelings and personal life he’d held back from her. Two people from broken homes trying to find something in each other that they were missing. They didn’t find the right things, it seemed. Or not enough.
“Causing you to be such an ass about it rather than talking it over with me?” she asked. “Rather than voicing your concerns and talking about it like two mature people who always talked about everything before?”
“Yeah. I’d told myself you’d never see my side of it. And the more I told myself that the more I got worked up. I don’t know if I believed it or not. Then I got thinking of all the times I’d said I hated it here and you just shrugged it off. It just festered and gave me the courage to do what I did.”
“Courage?” she asked. “You needed courage for that?” She was fighting back the urge to scream.
“It was the hardest thing I’d ever had to do in my life, Dena. I’m telling you right now, even when the words were coming out of my mouth I wondered if I was making a mistake. I heard them myself and couldn’t believe I was doing it.”
“That makes two of us,” she said, crossing her arms.
“I told you I was miserable that first year at college. I didn’t date anyone. I didn’t look at another woman. I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to call you and say I was sorry. That I didn’t mean a bit of it, but I couldn’t.”
“Why?” she asked. She knew she was ticked off at him. She was hurt. She was miserable. She might have at least talked to h
im though back then. Maybe just to hear him grovel.
“I remember your parting words and I couldn’t stand the rejection if I did. I felt like all I had in life was rejection from people,” he said.
“I never rejected you,” she said.
“You did every time I brought up not liking it here. You didn’t have to say the words, your actions were enough and you ignored those statements and my feelings on the matter.”
“So you’re saying Randall was the only one not rejecting you?”
“At times it felt that way. And then I knew you’d taken a stand and you’d stick to it. You always did. Though I’ve said before you’ve got a heart of gold, I’m pretty sure you weren’t going to be extending anything sweet my way anytime soon.”
“Talk about rejection. You rejected me back then. I probably would have done it back. I would have done it to be spiteful and then things would have been worse, I’m sure.”
“Exactly. I’d made my bed and I had to lie in it no matter how uncomfortable that mattress full of rocks was.”
“Why are you telling me all this now?” she asked.
“Because I always said I’d be honest with you. I want you to know I’ve never lied to you. And I want you to know all the stupid reasons for what I did back then and that I’m telling you the truth when I say them. And stupid reasons they were. But I’m telling you now so you know when I say I love you, that you know it’s the truth.”
She’d been afraid he’d say these words to her again. He’d been very clear that he’d never stopped loving her. Proof was the reason he was back here to begin with.
But hearing him say those three words was hard just now.
“Why are you saying it tonight and not any other night?” she asked him.
“Because you brought me in front of all your friends. I took that as you wanting me to be part of that life. Part of your life. It was a test of sorts to see if I could fit in. If they’d like me or if I’d like them.”
He knew her well. “That wouldn’t determine anything.”
