by Natalie Ann
She smiled at her dad’s mischievous grin. “You weren’t always old or overweight. I’ll admit you’ve put a few pounds on over the years, but why hadn’t you ever dated before? Was it because of me?”
“Don’t think that, Dena.”
“I don’t know what to think. I guess I was so caught up in my own life I never stopped to realize how much you gave up for me.”
“First off, I didn’t give anything up. When your mother left, you were my focus. I needed to make your life as normal as possible and that is what I was going to do. Then I got set in my ways and it’s not like there were a lot of single women to choose from around here.”
“You never even tried. No one ever caught your eye?” she asked, not really believing that. Her father was a great catch in her eyes. He was just about perfect.
“I’d been asked out a few times.”
“Really?” she asked, grinning. “Who? Why didn’t you do it?”
“It doesn’t matter who. Mostly they were women that didn’t have kids and I knew they were looking for someone to take care of them. I didn’t want to have you worrying I wasn’t putting you first or have a woman worry I wasn’t putting her first. I’d been down that road once already and it’s not a fun one to navigate.”
“You shouldn’t have been put in that position to begin with. To have your wife want you to choose her over her child.”
“No, I shouldn’t have, but she didn’t put anyone first but herself and someone had to make you a priority. That’s neither here nor there. The truth is, by the time you were older and in college, I’d gone out on a few dates. I won’t lie to you.”
“Why haven’t you ever told me?” She couldn’t believe her father would keep that from her.
“Because nothing came of it. I’d gotten set in my ways and women closer to my age are set in theirs. You have to be willing to compromise and I wasn’t or they weren’t. It happens.”
“I don’t want you to stop living your life because of me. I wouldn’t have wanted you to do that years ago, but I sure the hell don’t want it now.”
“Dena. I never stopped living my life because of you. I live my life the way I want it and I’m happy. All I want is for you to be happy too. Don’t worry about me.”
“I never used to. I never used to worry about much at all until recently.”
“Then go back to the way you used to be. Just maybe with the exception of opening your heart up to possibilities that you weren’t willing to see years ago.”
“I’ve opened them, Dad. I told Matt I love him. I think he’s right in that I never stopped. But one thing I’m not changing is leaving this area without ever having some kind of a strong commitment. Love wasn’t enough back then to make that decision and it’s not enough now. For the foreseeable future, this is where I’ll be and it’s where I’m staying.”
“Matt is aware of this?” he asked.
“One hundred percent. He said he’d be willing to stay if he had to.”
“Then you want to make sure that is the case. That he isn’t giving in just so he doesn’t lose you. You don’t want anyone to compromise if they aren’t solid on that commitment. There’s nothing worse than giving your heart and your life to someone and knowing they’d never been happy nor ever could be.”
Maybe she shouldn’t have come to talk to her father after all because that statement didn’t make her feel any better.
Out On Top
Dena was shocked to see Matt’s SUV in her driveway when she pulled in. She hadn’t talked to him at all today. Just another thing that changed between them from years ago.
Before they always had to know what the other was doing, where they were, and what the plans were.
Now they’d had their own lives aside from being a couple.
And this was the first time she’d really thought of them as a couple.
“Hey there,” she said when she parked next to him and got out. “What are you doing? I hope you haven’t been waiting here long.”
“About five minutes. I figured you might have gotten held up at work so there was no reason to call you. If you were in the middle of something you wouldn’t have been able to answer anyway.”
Just another thing that had changed with them. There were no worries about why the other wasn’t answering.
“I went to see my father quick after work. Come on in. It’s late, have you eaten? I feel like that’s all we do is find out if the other has eaten dinner yet.”
“Don’t ever worry about me. I’m a big boy and can take care of myself. I’ve been doing it for years.”
That was something that had never changed either. She’d never had to take care of Matt before, but she’d wanted to. She’d like doing that.
Maybe she had all these plans of a family back then because she didn’t get it herself.
She never saw it with her parents and then it never materialized afterward. And now she knew her father just didn’t want to try. She believed him when he said he didn’t want to have to choose, but it didn’t make her feel any better.
At least he tried again when she’d left home for college, but it seemed like he was giving up now and he was too young for that.
She’d leaned down to give her father a kiss on the cheek before she left and he’d told her, “Learn from my mistakes, Dena. If you close yourself off too much you miss a lot in life.”
Looking back, she could say she never closed herself off. Not after things ended with Matt.
No, she thought nothing could be as hard as that night Matt ended things and she’d promised herself she’d never let her life be dependent on another person. She’d never put all her eggs in one basket.
That meant not closing the door on opportunities and possibilities.
But wasn’t that what she was doing by telling Amber she wouldn’t leave or consider it without a great commitment?
That was being smart. That was her keeping the door closed, but not locked. It was her protecting her heart and her future until she was comfortable.
She’d like to say Matt was doing the same thing, yet his door was wide open waiting for her to agree to anything. Waiting for her to give him some answers so he could plan on staying or going.
She didn’t want that either. She wanted him to make those decisions on his own, not because of her.
Unfortunately, they did kind of go together.
“Well, Big Boy, come on in out of the cold and tell me why you stopped over to see me.”
***
Matt had been waiting all afternoon to talk to Dena.
He didn’t want to bug her at work, but he wanted to share the good news about the win. That everything he always wanted out of his career happened today.
That he did his job, he fought for the underdog and he came out on top.
Would that always be the outcome? No, it wouldn’t, but he was riding high now and wanted to celebrate.
That meant celebrating with her.
The minute they were in the door he had her up against the wall, his mouth on hers, his hands sliding under her jacket.
“Whoa, your hands are cold.”
“I’ll warm you up,” he said, attacking her mouth some more.
They were both frantically trying to push their winter garb off the other and kicking boots out of the way.
“This is a new side of you,” she said. “I like this. It’s more in line with what I’ve wanted to do to you so many times.”
He moved his mouth from her neck and tugged the top of her scrubs over her head. “Why haven’t you?”
“Because you always want to slow me down. You always wanted it your way.”
He never realized that before, but she was right. In his mind he wanted to take control and put her up on a pedestal to cherish.
After they’d split, he didn’t do that with another woman. He did what he was doing now. Fast and hurried got the job done and let him hold back any emotions and feelings he hadn’t wanted to share with anyone else.
Why couldn’t they do it her way now? Why couldn’t they meet in the middle and both be happy with the outcome?
“Not this time. You can do what you want if you want to,” he said.
“No way. You started this and I want to see what you’ve got planned next.”
She didn’t have to tell him twice. Especially with her hands going under his sweater and lifting it up and tossing it in the room somewhere.
They stepped apart for a brief moment, both of them shedding the rest of their clothes and him reaching for a condom.
He desperately wanted to take her up against the wall, but would be mortified if any part of his body gave out. Instead, he lifted her up and brought her to the throw rug in her living room. He was honest enough with himself to know the cold hardwood floor in the foyer with melting snow wasn’t the place for this either.
Once he had his condom on, he lifted her legs and entered her swiftly.
It was a heat that felt like coming home. That reminded him of all the things he’d blocked away for so long while he waited and wondered if he’d ever get back to this place.
While he prayed he’d get a second chance to show her how much he loved her. To show her he was a changed man.
She didn’t seem to want to think about anything else other than him at this moment or his body that was entering and retreating from hers.
Instead she brought her hands down to her swollen nub and started to rub around in circles. The sight of her touching herself had always turned him on.
They’d done that once a lifetime ago. Watched the other bring themselves to an orgasm. It was exciting and thrilling for them. They’d tried things, and they’d had fun.
Now wasn’t about fun. It was about getting to the end of the magic place the two of them found so much of in each other.
A compatibility he’d never experienced with another person.
“Tell me what you want, Dena.”
“I want you to give it to me hard. I want you to not think of me as soft and gentle, but as a woman who wants this from a man and can take it.”
Yeah, she knew the right things to say, it was obvious. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You can’t. Not physically. But if you aren’t strong enough for it, just let me know and I’ll take over.”
“That’s mean,” he said, leaning forward on his hands and slamming into her at a speed and pace he’d never shown another person before. “I need to prove to you how strong I am.”
“That’s it,” she said, her head arching back, the motion of her hand moving faster and bumping into his stomach. She was working herself up good right now.
“Tell me when you’re close,” he panted out, not knowing how long he could continue doing this. He was on the edge of something marvelous that he was dying to see the light of.
“I’m so close. Really close,” she said, her legs wrapping around his waist now.
He felt her muscles constricting and knew she was holding the candle for him to follow her anywhere in the world he wanted to go.
The tighter she squeezed him the brighter the light, the more pressure he felt and knew the air was being knocked out of his lungs in his quest for something so beautiful that tenderness wouldn’t have a place for it anyway.
“Wow,” Dena said a minute later. “That was wonderful. What was the reason for it?”
“I wanted to celebrate,” he said. “At least that had been my intent when I came over.”
“Celebrate what?” she asked, rolling over to her side. She was quick to get up and start looking for her clothes, so he did the same. He wasn’t going to be hurt over it. It was rather cold now that they weren’t moving and their bodies were covered in sweat.
“We won the case. Or rather Tina won the case, but it felt like my win too.”
“That’s great,” she said, reaching for him and giving him a hug and kiss. “And it should feel like your win too because it sounds like you did a lot more work than anyone else.”
“At times it feels that way. Anyway, Randall called to tell me.”
“Bet he was thrilled,” she said dryly.
“He was,” he said and then decided to tell her about the rest of the conversation. “He asked when I was coming back so that we could continue to do great things like that. More or less.”
“So you’re leaving,” she said, no emotion in her voice at all. He wasn’t sure what to make of that.
“Nope. I told him that. That I like what I’m doing. I like the place I’m in. That I’m only as healthy physically because I’m going at my own pace. Sitting in an office twelve hours a day isn’t going to help but hurt me.”
“What did he say to that?”
“He offered to let me work from home there.”
“And your answer?”
“I told him he knows as well as I do it’d never work out. I’d get pulled into meetings and be spending more time there than intended. That I wasn’t coming back.”
“At all?” she asked. “You told him you weren’t going back at all?”
“Not exactly those words.”
It was on the tip of his tongue to say he was letting his lease run out and that he’d been in contact with a local firm to start negotiating the buying process but if saying he loved her made him fear he was putting pressure on her, adding that part would be even more. Until he had more things lined up on a career for him, or a job at the very least, he’d keep that part to himself.
“I’m sure that didn’t make him happy,” she said.
“He’ll get over it.” There was no way he was saying that Dena’s name came up. She didn’t need to know that part either. It wasn’t like he was keeping secrets, but no use upsetting anyone at this point.
Old Times
On Sunday afternoon he and Dena were driving to his mother’s house for dinner. He wasn’t sure how he got talked into this, but Dena was game and honestly, it was probably a good idea.
Years ago, Dena had spent plenty of Sunday dinners at his house, so now it shouldn’t be any different.
Only it was.
They were adults without any plans and probably not much to talk about.
“Dena, sweetie,” his mother said when she opened the door. “Just like old times.”
He looked over to see her reaction to that statement, wondering if it’d bring on bad memories or good ones. Or none at all it seemed.
“Only if you’re making lasagna,” Dena said.
“Of course I am. I know it’s one of your favorites and it’s the perfect day for it. I keep waiting for some warmer weather to melt this snow since we’re getting past mid-March, but I don’t think I’m going to be that lucky.”
“Probably not,” Dena said. “You’ve been here long enough to know we could get a foot of snow tomorrow.”
“I have. It doesn’t bother me that much. Since I only work part time now and Bob isn’t working at all, he drives me in if the weather is bad.”
Matt watched his mother and Dena lapse back into their ways as if years hadn’t been spread between them like the Atlantic dividing the US and the UK. He couldn’t say the same about him and Bob.
“How are things going?” Bob asked him.
“Fine,” he said back. There were no hard feelings between them now. Those that were there years ago were more from his teenage rebellious mind than anything else.
“Want a beer while those two go in the kitchen and get dinner ready?”
“Sure,” Matt said, making his way to the living room as the two girls and Bob went to the kitchen.
Bob came out a minute later and handed him a glass and a bottle of craft beer. Bob always had good taste in beer. That was something at least.
“Work going all right?”
“Yeah. We won a big case the other day. Randall was all but ready to wet himself on the phone over it.”
“While he was trying to get you to return?” Bob asked, lifting the bottle to his lips. He never drank out of a glass.
/> “Of course. I told him I’m not ready to return. I like where I’m at and what I’m doing right now.”
“Enough to stay and make your mother happy?” Bob asked.
“Does she really care if I stay here?” Matt asked.
“That’s a stupid question. She beat herself up enough moving here to begin with and then when everything went down with you and Dena she blamed herself there too.”
“Why did she blame herself?” Matt asked. He’d never known that. His mother had never said a word, nor had she given any indication that she was feeling that way. He would have assured her it had nothing to do with her if he had any idea her thoughts were falling that way.
“She worried that you’d resent her for the move to begin with. It wasn’t a secret you weren’t happy living here.”
“I don’t know too many kids that would be happy having to leave their friends and start high school not knowing a soul.”
“Yet kids do it all the time and are just fine,” Bob said, his voice gruff. As much as Matt wanted to get offended, he realized now that was just Bob’s voice more often than not.
“True. But when you’re going through it, you don’t feel that way. And having never had a kid until you married my mother you came into the game pretty late.”
Bob laughed. “Very true. We didn’t always get along and I’m to blame for some of it. I know you blame me for this move, but moving here had never been a thought in my mind.”
This was the first time he’d heard that. “Then why did you?”
“Because your mother was miserable staying in Hudson and so close to your father. I’m not going to lie and say your mother can’t be a little difficult or demanding at times.”
“No secret there. That was part of the reason for my parents’ divorce,” Matt said.
“But all those things your mother wanted out of your father and never got, he was giving to his new wife and family. It drove her insane. And with her going insane...well, that made me go insane. I had to make a decision for everyone’s sake and I saw this job opening and asked her thoughts.”
