I look away. He’s right, of course. I can’t remember laughing like that since Layna’s been gone.
“Shit. Looks like I hit a nerve. I’m sorry, Lily. Do you want to talk about it?” Chance reaches to hold my hand.
This time, I don’t pull away. This time, I enjoy the human touch. I slowly shake my head no, not willing to open any wounds.
Chance stares out of the window with me, but he keeps his hand on mine. Suddenly embarrassed by the intimate touch, I slide my hand away. The only people who have hugged, kissed, or held my hands have been my parents and Layna.
I think he must have forgotten that he was holding my hand because he, too, briefly looks embarrassed. His teasing smirk quickly returns, though, and he says, “There’s your dad. We’ll talk again on Wednesday. I don’t want him to find me with you again, or he really will think I’m some kind of a crazy stalker.”
I flash him a quick smile, and he soon disappears down the hall with his long strides.
Chapter Nine
For the next few months, Chance and I talk after class every Monday and Wednesday. The conversations remain light, but soon we both begin to feel comfortable with one another. I see Chance not only for his good looks, but I soon appreciate him for his intelligence. Chance has a gift of making people feel at ease, and every day, he has me laughing at his sarcastic sense of humor. Sometimes, I even tell my dad to pick me up a bit later so I can spend more time with Chance.
He calls me beautiful often in our conversations. I convince myself that he’s just a nice guy and probably says that to make me feel good. It’s not that nobody has ever called me beautiful before. I’ve heard it from my parents, Layna, therapists, and even my teachers. Aren’t they supposed to say that, though? I mean, my parents are always going to think I’m beautiful. I’m their child for God’s sake. As far as the teachers and therapists go, I’m sure they are trained to help students’ self-esteems. The teachers probably tell all their students that, especially the ones with special needs.
But one night, I drive my wheelchair to the mirror in my room and stare at my reflection. I’ve never paid too much attention to my looks. Usually, my mom or my personal helpers pull my hair up in a ponytail or a bun. I never wear makeup unless it’s for a special occasion. As I look in the mirror, for the first time in my life, I actually see a pretty girl staring back at me. I notice my large, almond-shaped, emerald green eyes, surrounded by long, black eyelashes. My porcelain skin is a sharp contrast against my dark hair. I must have gotten the dark hair from my mother’s Italian side, while Layna had the blonde hair from Dad’s Swedish side.
I touch my face and smile.
For the first time, I realize that I am pretty.
For the first time in my life, I don’t notice that I’m in a wheelchair.
Over the weekend, my parents and I head to the mall to shop. I’m looking forward to buying some new clothes. Normally, I don’t even enjoy shopping. My mom usually buys my clothes since I’ve never really cared about what I wear. This time, though, I want to pick out my own outfits and look nice, especially at the college.
After shopping for a few hours—content with my new wardrobe—we start heading out. To my surprise, just as we’re about to exit the mall, Chance walks in. Shocked, I almost run my wheelchair into the wall. I force myself to settle myself down and avoid making an utter fool out of myself.
He notices me instantly and smiles. As he approaches us, I notice a tall woman, who appears to be in her twenties, walking alongside him. My mouth drops open when I notice her gorgeous looks. She has long auburn hair, blue eyes, and she’s very confident as she strides toward us. Chance must be over six feet and she’s at least 5 feet 8 inches. With her heels on, she looks like a model next to him. To be honest, they look like a Hollywood couple.
“Lily, hey! Fancy seeing you here,” Chance says when he reaches us.
I continue to stare, dumbfounded, with my mouth still open in shock.
“Oh, hi there! Chance, right?” Dad saves the day by intervening and allowing me some time to compose myself. “Honey, this is Chance, Lily’s friend.”
“Oh, yes. Hi, Chance. It’s so nice to meet you,” Mom says, sounding overly cheerful. She can tell that not only am I shocked, but also distressed.
“Chance, are you going to introduce us?” asks the woman I already hate. How can anybody look so perfect?
“Err, yeah. Sorry about that. This is Beca. And Beca, this is Lily and her parents.” Chance moves next to me.
“Oh, of course! This is your special friend from college. I’ve heard such great things about you, Lily.” Beca leans toward me, talking slowly and loudly, as if I can’t understand what she’s saying.
It’s official. I hate her. She’s patronizing me and treating me like a child. I don’t know which is worse.
With my device, I answer, “Actually, there’s nothing special about me. I’m just Lily. Oh, and by the way, just because I have Cerebral Palsy doesn’t mean I’m deaf and can’t understand you. You don’t have to talk loud.” I simply can’t resist.
While Mom looks mortified, Chance chuckles under his breath and Dad tries to hide his smile.
“Oh, of course, Lily. I didn’t mean…” As Beca keeps talking, I turn my wheelchair toward the door and exit out. It may have been rude, but I have no desire to listen to her condescending tone any longer. Yes, I’ve been used to it my entire life, but I’m done putting up with ignorant people.
Once in the van, Mom asks, “Wow, Lily. What was that about?”
“Don’t want to talk about it,” I abruptly answer.
“Hey, I’m glad you put her back in her place. She looked like a total ditz to me,” Dad chimes in.
I know he’s trying to make me feel better, but it doesn’t help. As much as I fight thinking about it, I fail miserably. Chance has never mentioned that he has a girlfriend. Well, why would he need to mention that to me? I mean, he’s just intrigued by me. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a life. Just because all I do is go to school and come home, with no social life at all, doesn’t mean his is the same. As a matter of fact, with his charismatic personality, I’m sure he has a very active social lifestyle.
Maybe she’s not his girlfriend, but I push the thought away quickly. She seemed too familiar with him, and he has obviously talked about me to her. How dare he say anything about me to his girlfriend?
As soon as we arrive home, I rush to my room. I want to be left alone. This is all my fault. I’ve allowed myself to dream. Haven’t I learned by now that dreaming will only lead to disappointments?
For the rest of the weekend, I mostly stay to myself. I don’t want to go to class next week. I’m just not ready to see him. How can I possibly explain my irrational behavior to him? And knowing him, he will confront me about it.
On Monday, I decide I’m too sick to go to my classes and will get the online notes. I have no desire to see Chance. As a matter of fact, I need to start distancing myself from him. That’s the only way I’ll be able to protect myself from getting hurt.
My personal helper, Lauren, comes to help me during the day. Although I stay in bed most of the morning, Lauren eventually forces me to take a shower and come out of my room for lunch. After eating, I hide myself back in my room.
Since Layna’s passing, I listen to The Lonely by Christina Perri quite a bit. Layna used to love dancing to Perfect with me, but I refuse to play that song since Layna’s been gone. Instead, I lose myself in the lyrics of The Lonely. When I’m feeling down, that song is perfect for me. I like to lock myself in my room and blast that song. Today is one of those days.
I play the song on repeat, torturing myself with every line—every word.
I don’t even hear the knock on my door when Lauren walks in. “Lily, you have a visitor.”
Confused, I turn to see who the hell would visit me. I almost fall out of my wheelchair when I see Chance stroll in behind Lauren. My eyes must have bulged out of my sockets because Chance can’
t hide his smirk.
“Seems like you guys know each other. I’ll be in the kitchen if you need anything, Lily.” Lauren turns to leave. Before she closes the door, she points to Chance and mouths, “Hot!” Luckily, his back is still to her, so he doesn’t notice the exchange.
“Surprised to see me?” Chance asks.
Surprised? That’s putting it mildly!
“How did you know where I live? What are you doing here?” I fire off the questions with my device.
“Being a teacher’s assistant does have some perks. For example, I already have all of the students’ names, numbers, and addresses. When I didn’t see you in class, I was worried. So, I wanted to check on you.”
“I don’t need you to check on me. I’m fine!” I’m really starting to believe that he thinks of me as some sort of a subject on whatever experiment he’s doing. A part of me is happy to see him, but another part of me is infuriated that he’s checking up on me like I’m a child.
“I can see you’re fine! Why didn’t you come to class, then?”
“Not your business!” Damn, I wish I can make this device yell at him. I’m pretty sure, though, that he can see from the expression on my face how angry I’m becoming. Just then, the song ends and starts again.
“And, why do you have this song on repeat? Wow, talk about a depressing song!” Chance walks toward me.
“What do you want?” I finally ask. Clearly, he’s not planning on leaving.
Chance waits a few seconds, contemplating. He sets his lips in a thin line and says, “Dance with me.”
“What?”
“Dance with me, Lily. And, we’re going to dance to this song.”
“No!”
“No?”
“No!” I repeat. What is wrong with this guy?
Chance ignores me and removes my leg rests out of the way. “Would you do me the honor of dancing with me, Miss Cooper?”
“No,” I yell, this time with my own voice. It may not have been the perfect “no,” but he hears me loud and clear.
He laughs under his breath and says, “You are adorable when you’re mad.”
Does he think this is a joke? Without saying anything further, Chance takes my seat belt off and stands me up. He must realize that I can’t support my full weight on my legs because he has a good hold around my torso. Once my feet touch the floor, he brings me into his embrace and sways to the music. Even though at first I feel uneasy, I eventually allow myself to relax. This actually feels really good. I’ve never been held this close by anybody but my family.
I rest my head on his chest as the haunting lyrics fill the room. Chance holds me tighter, and I feel his strength and power spread through me. He makes me feel secure…protected. I feel his fingers run through my hair as his soft caresses send shivers down my spine. I sigh, knowing I’m setting myself up for heartbreak.
Once the song finishes, Chance assists me to sit back down in my wheelchair. After securing me, he sets up the communication device so I can access it.
“That wasn’t so bad, was it? Now, every time you listen to this depressing song, hopefully, you’ll have some happy memories associated with it.” Chance sits back down on my bed.
I can’t help but smile because I do feel much better.
“Now, that’s what I like to see. So, tell me whose pictures are all over your room.” Chance picks up Layna’s photo from my bedside table.
He’s right. My room is covered with Layna’s pictures, and her empty bed still sits on the other side. I’ve refused to allow my parents to move any of her things out of my room. It’s been three years since she’s been gone, but I’m still not ready to let her go.
“My sister,” I reply.
Chance looks at me and frowns. “I didn’t know you had a sister. For some reason, I thought you were an only child.”
“She died,” I simply say.
“Oh, man. I’m sorry, Lily. Do you want to talk about it?”
I abruptly shake my head no.
“Ok, fair enough. Listen, I also stopped by because I’m embarrassed by my friend’s behavior the other day. Beca can be clueless at times. She’s just wrapped up in her own world. I was waiting all weekend to talk to you. When you didn’t show up to class, I couldn’t wait any longer to get it off of my chest. So I decided to head over here. I’ve been feeling bad about it.”
“Why are you dating such a clueless person?” I know it’s not my business, but he’s the one who called her clueless.
“I’m not dating her,” Chance says, surprised.
I remain silent but look away.
“She’s my friend, Lily. If you must know, then yes, we did date a long time ago. We were in high school, but we grew apart. We’re completely different people now. Beca was in town, so we hung out on Saturday. That’s it. She’s definitely not my girlfriend nor do I have any feelings toward her like that.”
A part of me is relieved, but the more cautious part—the one that keeps the invisible walls up—wonders if he’s telling the truth. What can I say about it, though? I have no right to ask any more questions about the matter, nor do I have the right to feel jealous.
After I remain silent, Chance says, “Can I ask you a question?”
I glance toward him, now curious.
“When we danced, you were able to put weight on your legs and move. Are you able to walk with help? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”
“I walked better when I was younger. I can still walk with help, but very short distances.”
“Do you practice walking often so your muscles don’t get weaker?”
“You said one question.” But I smile. I consider Chance my friend, so I don’t mind talking to him. I’ve never had a friend who has cared enough to ask.
“True, I did say that, but I lied.” Chance smirks, lifting one eyebrow.
“I’ve had physical therapy my entire life. Once insurance stopped paying for it, my parents had to pay out of pocket, which can get very expensive. During the week, I still receive therapy once a week. On weekends, I attend an aqua therapy class as well. That’s my favorite because I can do so much more in the water.” Just remembering how relaxed my muscles feel during those sessions makes me smile.
“Yeah? Maybe I can go with you sometime.”
“No, the sessions are long and you would be bored.”
“Can’t I go in the pool with you?”
“Well…they do allow family and friends to participate—more for training purposes. But I don’t know.”
“Let me go with you this weekend, Lily. I’m curious, that’s all. Besides, I’d love to see how you move in the water.” Chance winks, teasing me.
“You’re crazy. But okay, fine. Don’t complain if you get bored. I tried to warn you.”
“You got yourself a deal. I gotta go to work soon. I’ll e-mail you the notes from class today. You get all the e-mails on that device of yours?”
“Yeah, I have all internet access with this thing. It’s been a lifesaver.” I say, placing my hand on my device.
Chance remains silent, lost in his thoughts. The teasing Chance is gone, replaced by the more serious one.
“It’s all good, Chance. I’m used to it,” I interrupt his thoughts.
As if coming back to reality, he smiles. “Yes, I see you’re all good. Well, thank you, mademoiselle, for the wonderful dance. Be looking out for my email tonight, and I’ll see you Wednesday in class.” Chance bows dramatically in front of me and strolls out of my room.
Later that night, I receive an e-mail from him that says, “Hey, beautiful, here are the notes from class (see attachment). Remember, no more dancing in an empty room. Sweet dreams, Lily.”
“Good night, Chance,” I reply back.
Sometimes, life can seem very bleak. But, if you wait long enough and look hard enough, you may see a glimmer of light through the darkness…bringing with it, a hint of hope. And, that tiny sliver of hope may just save your soul.
That ni
ght, I fall asleep smiling.
Chapter Ten
When I tell my parents that Chance will be attending the aqua therapy session on Saturday, neither responds to the news. I wait for the questions, the lectures, the disapprovals, but instead, they simply nod and walk away. This suits me just fine because I have no desire to discuss Chance with them.
True to his word, Chance joins me in the pool. I feel a bit uncomfortable in the beginning because I’m in my swimsuit, and I have to be wheeled down the ramp with the pool chair. Chance doesn’t seem to think anything strange about it. As a matter of fact, he brings the chair into the water and lifts me out. It’s amazing the thoughts that run through one’s mind when placed in a vulnerable situation like this.
Damn, his body is hotter than I had imagined.
Thank you, Mom, for always being obsessive about shaving my legs and all of my personal areas.
Thank God I’ve always had a fit body.
Hope my swimsuit is on correctly and nothing is sticking out.
Hope my body behaves for once in my life. Please don’t let me hit him on the head accidently!
Taking a deep breath, I force myself to relax so the water can do its magic.
Chance is a good listener because he follows all the directions from the therapist. She shows him how to help me walk, and how to facilitate as well as stretch my muscles. Since he’s a nurse, he picks up the techniques with ease.
It feels good to have Chance work with me in the water. I feel so much more in control of my body in here. I’m also pretty good at walking in the pool if I have some assistance. I show him everything I can do, including swimming on my back with a neck collar.
“Let’s try this, Lily,” Trina, my therapist, says and brings me to a corner to work on standing squats while holding the rail. Making sure Chance is out of earshot, she whispers, “He’s so hot, Lily. Where did you find him?”
I laugh because Trina has been my therapist forever. I would even consider her my friend because I know she genuinely cares for me. I smile smugly, excited to have Chance in my life.
My Perfect Imperfections Page 6
