by Dianne Drake
“Am I of any use here?” he whispered.
“It’s nice to have someone to back me up,” she said. “Makes me feel less alone. And I think he needs you to be here. But if you have other things to do...”
“No, everything’s under control,” he said, hoping that was the case. Right now, the corporate part of his life was so distant, so unimportant he didn’t even want to think about it. And for all the good his afternoon efforts had been toward answering correspondence and emails, after Natalie had brought him his computer, he simply wasn’t in the mood.
Here he was with all the money anyone could ever hope for, and all the resources, but none of that was doing Riku any good. It was funny how his dad had always counted on money as the means to fix everything, yet what was required now was a skill he had but couldn’t use. It made him feel so damned helpless. “But if you don’t mind, I’m going to go stretch my legs. Can I bring you anything?” he asked on his way to the hall. He was restless. Needed some space. Time to think. Early morning activity had already picked up in the hall the same way it had the day before. Doctors were making rounds, nurses were getting patients up and started for the day, parents who’d stayed over were emerging from patient rooms or wherever they’d slept, looking for coffee.
Soon they would come for Riku. That was what scared him more than he cared to admit. And even though he knew the procedure step by step, that didn’t settle him.
“I’m good,” she whispered, not taking her eyes off Riku. “Maybe after they take him in, I’ll go get something, perhaps leave the hospital for a bit to clear my head. I’m not sure I can be here while...”
She was feeling the things he was at the moment. Fear, anxiety, the need to grab Riku and run someplace far from here where he would be safe and happy and healthy. “Just text me if you hear anything.”
She nodded then shut her eyes, retreating into a world where children didn’t need surgery and parents lived happily ever after.
* * *
Eric had been gone an hour now, and while she wasn’t worried about it, she did wonder when he was coming back. As the minutes ticked off the clock, and Riku was getting closer and closer to the surgery, she was finding herself so edgy she couldn’t concentrate. More than that, she’d begun doubting every little thing she did. Even changing Riku’s diaper had set her off in a panic because if things didn’t go as planned, and if the unspeakable did happen, something as simple as a diaper change would hold such incredibly strong memories. And not good ones.
Michi desperately wanted her memories to be good. Part of those memories included Eric and how amazing he was with Riku. He was a natural. His instincts were perfect, and not only because he’d chosen a career helping sick children. His instincts were the right ones for being a great dad.
And he was being so good to her, too. Even though he had every right to be angry, and even hate her. In fact, he was so good, now she was thinking about Eric, there were tears running down her cheeks for all the things they might have been, and all the things she’d done to make sure none of that would ever happen.
“Why?” she whispered, as she watched her son. “Why am I so afraid of letting him in?”
Once she’d believed it was because he might take Riku from her if he believed her unfit. But he didn’t, and he had proved that over and over. Even after she’d told him how they’d tried to claim she was trying to harm her baby even before he was born, Eric didn’t believe that. He hadn’t even come close to believing it.
So, what was it she was feeling, that constant undertow of something trying to drag her along, trying to get her from place to place? Could her feelings for Eric be deeper than she’d intended to allow? Not just caring for him as Riku’s father but perhaps falling a little in love herself? It wasn’t out of the question and there were times the urge was so strong it almost overtook her. Admittedly, her timing was bad. But not her intention.
Michi stood, then leaned over the rails of the crib to straighten Riku’s blankets and check to make sure he was doing as well as could be expected. The monitors everywhere told her he was, but she had to touch him, feel his soft skin, lay her hand across his chest for a moment to feel the rise and fall of it. To love someone this much scared her. It had scared her from the moment she’d known she was carrying him. Because love was such a huge responsibility, and there were so many ways to let someone down inside it.
Tears streaked down her cheeks again, but as she stepped away from the crib, she stepped backwards into Eric’s arms. And he held her, and let her cry quietly on his shoulder for what seemed an eternity. Her body was racked with sobs, but she didn’t want to move, couldn’t move, and for the first time in so long she couldn’t even remember she felt a faint glimmer of hope that everything would be fine.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered, sniffling. “I don’t usually cry this much. But with everything that’s going on, it’s like I can’t turn it off.”
He handed her a tissue and led her away from the crib. But not too far away because he understood her need to be there. “It gets overwhelming sometimes,” she said. “And frustrating, with all this waiting.” He was still holding her, but not as tightly. And she liked being where she was. Eric made things right. Feeling his physical presence, knowing that no matter what she’d done she had his support...
“And while everybody in my family is so supportive, they haven’t been through anything like this, so they can’t fully understand. And sometimes I feel so alone I don’t know what to do. Sometimes I’d like to be weak for a little while, so I can turn my pain over to someone else for a few minutes until I can regroup and start it all over again.” She sniffled. “Being independent isn’t always so easy, you know.”
“Why try so hard at it?”
“Because I’ve invested so much into my work I’ve let the whole personal side of my life go. Meeting you, then having that night...that was the first time I ever let myself go, Eric, and simply enjoy something—you—because I wanted to. I’ve always felt like I had to compete with my entire family to be as successful as they are. And sometimes that was just so difficult. I’ve always felt insignificant when everything else around me exuded success. Then when they accused me of Munchausen’s, even though I knew they were wrong, I doubted myself. Not in that I’d ever do anything to harm my baby, because I wouldn’t. But I wondered what kind of outward appearance I projected that would make people think of me in such a way.”
“That was the pressure getting to you, Michi, the pressure you put on yourself. The people who know you don’t see the things in you that you see.”
“There was always a lot of pressure on me to uphold the family reputation,” she conceded. “My parents are wonderful, don’t get me wrong. But look at them. Look at what they’ve done together. Growing up knowing the same is expected of you isn’t easy, which is why I’ve always kept to myself, for fear I’d be called out as a fraud. And here, in this crib, is the proof of that. As much as I’ve loved him from the start, I was doubted. My love was doubted. My need to protect my baby was doubted.
“I love my career, Eric. Love building my clinic. But I also love being a mother more than anything, and when I look at Riku I’m aware that everything I’ve built myself to be is just a façade. The only thing that matters is my son. And without him...who am I?”
“You’re who you always were, Michi. Riku doesn’t change that. In fact, when we were together in Japan I didn’t even consider that you were truly approachable. You held yourself back. I knew there was more, could almost see it surface, but you didn’t let it. And now, as I see you with Riku, I see that same bright, hard-working woman, but through a gentler focus. Riku brings out the best in you and I don’t think you ever had that opportunity before because you were so busy trying to be the person you believed your family wanted you to be. As Shakespeare’s Polonius said, ‘To thine own self be true.’ I think this is the first time you’re allo
wing yourself to do that.”
“Well, it’s not easy.”
He chuckled. “It gets easier with help.”
She reached up and stroked his cheek. “You’re such a good man, Eric. You didn’t deserve a disaster like me in your life.”
“But without you I wouldn’t have Riku. And I’ll admit it was love at first sight with him.” Maybe with her, too. Definitely a little. But maybe more than he was ready to admit. “So, can you tell me about him?” Eric laughed. “You promised to, but we didn’t get around to it. We can stand in the hall just to get you out of the room for a while, but you can still see him, if that’s what you’d prefer. Or we can do anything or go anyplace as long as you tell me about Riku. I need to know more about my son before his surgery. You know...what makes him laugh besides giraffes? What piques his interest? What he doesn’t like other than radishes. What is he like?”
She followed Eric to the door of the hospital room, then stepped out and found the place where everything in the entire room was visible to her. “First, he’s always happy. He laughs and smiles all the time. Even when he’s sick sometimes. It’s like he knows that’s what he was put here on earth to be and he tries his best to do it. Also, besides your studious look, which he gets when he’s trying to figure out something new to him, he also has your smile. And when he’s feeling good, he’s very vocal, not so much in words as in sounds.”
She smiled. “But he understands what I say, because he’s smart, Eric. Sometimes it’s hard to see it because so often he doesn’t feel well, but on his good days I love watching how methodical he is. He’s definitely going to grow up to be a thinker like you.”
“Well, for sure, he’s a fighter. Like you, Michi. I’ve watched him play, watched the way he deals with all these things attached to him now, and he fights his way through, meaning he’s one tough little kid. Tough, like his mom.”
“Is that a good thing?” she asked.
“It’s called determination and, yes, it’s a very good thing.”
“Then maybe he’s the best of both of us.” She stepped inside the door a little more, then held out her hand to Eric. “Look at him.” she said, as Eric took her hand and stepped to her side. “He’s not asleep. He’s studying the cardiac monitor. I wonder what his two-year-old mind is thinking about it?”
“How to take it apart and put it back together, probably.” He chuckled. “Like me, in surgery.”
“Then maybe he’ll be a surgeon.”
“Or an engineer. Or a mechanic. Or anything he wants to be.”
Eric’s unbridled enthusiasm filled her with so much hope for Riku’s future. This was the first time she’d ever really allowed herself to feel optimistic about his future, and she owed this to Eric. Where all she saw was illness, all he saw was potential. Which made her happy beyond belief.
“I want him to get better so badly, and I can visualize all the things we’ll do, but sometimes it’s so hard to see it. Sometimes those images just aren’t in my head, which makes me feel like I’m letting him down.” This was the first time she’d ever said that to anyone. But it was true. Her inability to always see a bright future ahead made her feel like she was a bad mother.
Eric slipped his arm around her waist—something that had become so normal for them. “In a sense, his illness has also become his normal. You expect that, and you anticipate all the things that could happen as a result. But thinking in other terms, terms that have nothing to do with his heart, frightens you because you’re not prepared to go off in another direction, or deal with something else that might come up. You’re afraid you can’t handle that. Like including his father in his life.”
She nodded. “It’s been easier to avoid the things that scare me rather than face them head on, and what I thought you might do scared me.”
“Even now?” he asked.
Before she could answer, the heart monitor alarm went off, and Michi and Eric ran to his bedside. Eric studied the rhythm tracing across the monitor screen while Michi repositioned Riku for better access to his chest. Then they were pushed away from the room as several nurses and a couple of doctors rushed in.
“This has been my life, Eric. Complications, over and over. I can’t...” She choked, then cleared her throat. “I can’t keep on doing this. Not for Riku’s sake, not for my own. Being strong... I can’t even pretend any longer.” She looked up at him as they walked to the waiting room at the end of the hall...the one where her family wasn’t gathered. The one where they could be alone.
“You don’t have to pretend anything, Michi. The people who matter know who you are and what you’re going through. All the support you want is there when you need it. And here...” He opened his arms to her. “For the rest of your life.”
She fell into his open arms and stayed there, letting him hold her, loving his comfort. Loving him. Until there was a knock at the door and Henry’s entrance signaled the beginning of the next phase.
“It’s time,” Henry said. “Everything’s ready, the OR is prepped, I have a good surgical team, and Dr. Kapoor is on her way, even though she won’t get here in time. So...”
“How long?” Eric asked.
“Inside the hour. But you still have some time to be with him before we take him down to surgery.”
Michi swallowed hard. Looked at Eric, who had tears in his eyes. Then she looked into the faces of her family, who’d followed Henry to find them, but didn’t see in any of them what she saw in Eric—a love greater than anything she’d ever seen before.
“I’d like to scrub in, Henry. If that’s all right with you. Just to be with Riku. That’s all.”
Henry nodded, then smiled. “I never assumed you wouldn’t.”
Then the furor began. People everywhere in Riku’s room, doing various jobs. Changing his clothes, adjusting his medicines, removing old wires and replacing them with new ones. More leads on his chest. Medication adjustments. In the hall outside, Michi and Eric watched as ten people surrounded Riku’s bed, practically swallowing him up in all the activity. And all she wanted was to hold him. “I’m glad you’re going in with him,” she said. “He needs you there.”
“There’s nothing I can really do, but it felt like I had to be there anyway.”
“Because you’re a surgeon, Eric.” She looked up at him. “That hasn’t changed. And I hope you realize that before you’re gone from it so long you can’t go back.”
“Do you think I’ll go back?” he asked her.
“I think that once we’re through this and Riku is recovering nicely, you’ll have an overwhelming need to stay close to the things that make you happiest in life. At least, that’s what I’m hoping for myself. And I think we’re a lot alike in that. If surgery is what makes you happiest...”
* * *
Choosing what made him happiest. Becoming a doctor might have been the only time he’d ever done that. In a way, it was an odd concept but a good one.
“‘Medice, cura te ipsum,’” Eric said. Physician, heal thyself. A saying from a Greek proverb.
His whole body ached because he’d probably slept badly in a chair much too small for him, but he was doing what he always did before he performed a procedure...he called it warming up his surgeon’s mind. Going over, in his head, the procedure. Step by step. Looking at it from every angle, anticipating the problems, listing all the things that could go wrong and gearing up to correct them if they did. Here, in his pre-surgery shower, that was what he always did, and even though he had no authority in the OR this time, the habit was still there.
* * *
“I could, um...after the surgery is over and we get into that waiting phase of recovery,” Michi said, mustering all the optimism she could, now that the surgery was mere minutes away, “I could stay awake and wait if you need to take a nap. You look exhausted.”
“Probably because I am,” he said, from the shower. He w
as inside, while she was standing outside, leaning on the wall, waiting for him to emerge.
“But you’ll be okay to be in surgery with him?” The room was steamy and warm, but not too warm that she was working up a sweat, as all she could feel now was the stark, cold chill of fear.
“I’ll be fine,” he said, finally stepping out, bare-chested, barefoot, with a towel wrapped around his middle.
He was a good-looking man, she thought. Even now, when everything she had was focused on Riku, she did take a moment to admire what she had in front of her. The memory had always been vivid. Eric was as beautiful physically as any man she’d ever seen. Now, and then. “But if you start to get too tired...” she said, as he grabbed a pair of clean scrubs off the hook near the shower and began to drop his towel to the floor.
Even though he wasn’t modest, hadn’t been that night, didn’t seem to be now, she spun around to allow him a modicum of privacy, and to allow herself to think about something other than the physical man.
Eric chuckled. “We made a baby together. You don’t have to be shy.”
“Well, you’re certainly not. But I... I need to keep my thoughts focused on Riku.”
“And I would distract you?”
“Everything would distract me, Eric. Right now, I don’t want to think about what I have to think about, and any distraction will do. Which is why I can’t be distracted.”
“But I’m not just any distraction, Michi.” He took hold of her shoulder and pulled her around straight into his arms, straight into his bare chest, where she buried her head and shut her eyes. Thankfully, his scrub pants were on, but his feet were still bare, and his hair dripped water down the side of her face. “We’re going to get through this,” he said, holding her tight. “And on the other side, when Riku’s better, we’ll figure out what we are, and who we are.”
