The next day, Nicole and I lay cuddled on my couch watching TV. Each moment I wanted to blurt the words that I loved her. But I wanted the moment to be perfect and not while we sat on my couch watching The Food Network.
“Want to do something before you and Brooke go home?” I asked.
“Like what?” Nicole asked.
“I don’t know. Maybe we can have lunch in the park?”
“That sounds nice. Let me text Brooke.”
I kissed her before she got up to get her cell phone to text Brooke. This was when I was going to tell her that I loved her. It would be perfect. The sun was shining, flowers were in bloom, and the weather was warm and perfect to sit out on a summer day.
I grabbed a blanket, made us some sandwiches, and we were off to the park—my heart on my sleeve and all.
We arrived at the park, laid out the blanket under a tree with pink flowers and both laid back, staring at the bright blue sky, my hand in hers.
“What if I told you that I wanted you to stay another night?” I asked, still looking up at the sky.
I saw Nicole turn her head out of the corner of my eye. “What about Brooke?”
“Right…I just don’t want you to leave,” I said, looking over at her.
“I don’t either. It’s hard getting through the week now.”
“I know,” I sighed, asking her to move in with me on the tip of my tongue. “But Brooke needs you since Easton’s here.”
“I know. She’s having a second opinion on Wednesday and then I think she’s going to schedule her surgery.”
“You know I’ll be there, right?” I asked, turning onto my side to face her. “When she’s having surgery.”
“I do. And I love you more because of it.” She paused for a beat, leaving me staring at her mouth. “I mean…”
I moved, rolling on top of her, and silencing her by kissing her. “You love me?” I asked against her lips.
She nodded, not saying anything.
“I love you too. I’ve wanted to tell you since our last night on the cruise, but I didn’t want you to get scared and not give me a chance.”
“I knew I loved you since that night too.” She smiled.
I smiled back, leaning down and kissing her again. I kissed her for a few seconds then sat up, grabbing our sandwiches and handing her one with no cheese. “Now the week is only going to be harder,” I said, taking a bite of my ham sandwich.
“I know,” she sighed with a sad smile.
I paused mid-bite. Nicole loved me. I loved her. How were we going to live apart? I couldn’t live each night alone in my bed knowing that she was hours away alone in hers. “I have an idea,” I said, setting my sandwich down.
“What’s that?” she asked around a bite of her sandwich.
“Move in with me.”
Her eyes got big and she started to choke slightly on her sandwich. This wasn’t a good sign. “Here in New York?” she finally asked when she could speak again.
“Yeah.” I shrugged. If she was going to say no, then I needed to put my guard up and not show her that it would kill me with that two letter word. I wanted the three letter one.
“Okay,” she said, shrugging back.
“Okay?” I asked, taken aback.
“Yep.” She smirked.
“You will move in with me? Here?”
“Yes.” I loved that three letter word. “But not until Brooke has her surgery. I need to be there for her.”
“I wouldn’t have it any other way. Well, I would, but I understand. Next weekend, when I come visit we’re packing up all your shit.”
“Good. Because the sooner I can sell it, the sooner I can move.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.” She smiled.
“I love you so much,” I said, leaning towards her and bringing her lips to mine.
“I love you more.”
“Not a chance.” I chuckled against her lips.
After we ate, I draped her legs over mine and kissed her until it was time for her to leave to head back to Boston. One day soon, I wouldn’t have to watch her leave for Boston with my heart as she drove away for the week.
Walking hand in hand to my truck, she stopped, halting me. Looking over her shoulder she said, “I’m going to remember that tree as our tree.”
“Our tree. I like the sound of that.” I looked around then tugged her back to our tree.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“You’ll see.” I dropped her hand, reached in my jeans and took out my pocket knife that I always carried with me. She watched as I carved our initials in the bark with a heart around it. I didn’t care that I was over thirty and this was something teenagers did. Nicole was right; this was our tree. The tree where we finally professed our love.
I wanted to tell Brooke that I was moving, but I couldn’t. Part of me felt like I was leaving her behind, but I needed this. I loved Avery. I think I’d loved him since the first time we’d kissed on the side deck of the cruise ship. Everything was right about him. He made me feel things that I hadn’t felt in a really long time. He made me feel cherished.
“You were right,” I said to Brooke as I drove us back to Boston.
“About what?”
“He loves me,” I grinned.
“Shut up! Seriously?”
“Yep.”
“Did you tell him first?” she asked, smiling back at me.
“Yes, but not on purpose. It slipped out.”
“Regardless, we’re both in love with best friends. How’d that happen?”
“Fate as Jane said.”
“Yeah. She did say that, huh?” she said in a dreamy voice.
“Yep.” I smiled. I don’t think my smile had faltered since the park under the tree with pink flowers.
That would always be our tree.
Mondays.
I was starting to really hate them.
On top of it being Monday morning and not waking up in Avery’s arms once again, I had the worst heartburn. I didn’t have time to deal with heartburn. Brooke was having surgery on Friday and I needed to be well for her. By lunch time, it still hadn’t gone away. I worked for a doctor’s office and we were bound to have something stronger than the chalky Tums that weren’t helping.
“Ah,” I groaned, rubbing my chest where my heart was, as if it would help the burn go away.
“What’s the matter?” Kym asked.
“I have heartburn.”
“Still?” Jenna asked. “Didn’t you have that when you got here this morning? I saw you take some Tums.”
“Yeah, it hasn’t gone away.”
They both looked at each other, then back down to their food.
“What?” I asked, raising my eyebrows.
“You want me to tell her?” Kym asked Jenna.
“Tell me what?” I asked.
“Yeah, go ahead,” Jenna said.
“You’re pregnant,” Kym said, smiling.
I laughed. “You two are full of shit.”
“No, seriously,” Jenna said. “You’ve told me that you’ve been really tired, have a weird smelling issue with cheese, and now you have heartburn.”
Kym nodded yes as I shook no in disbelief. “I can’t be pregnant. I’m on the pill.”
They both laughed. I was going to kill them.
“What’s so funny in here?” Dr. Sam asked, walking in.
Kym and Jenna stopped laughing. So did I. Shit, how do I tell my boss that I may be pregnant…and moving?
“I…uh…these two think I’m pregnant,” I blurted. Dr. Sam was more than my boss; she was like my family and she’d eventually find out if I were going to have a baby.
“Are you?” she asked, grabbing a glass and filling it with water from the water cooler.
“I’m on the pill and we use condoms if you all must know,” I said, rolling my eyes.
“Then you’re good. If you just told me that you’re on the pill, then I would remind you that it’s only ninety-
two percent effective. So if you’re combining the pill and a condom each time, then you have nothing to worry about.”
“Oh my God,” I gasped, covering my mouth.
“What?” all three asked in unison.
“Uh…the condom broke the first time,” I whispered behind my hands that were in front of my face, trying to hide from embarrassment.
Tired all the time—check.
Boobs hurt like a bitch—check
Smelling horrible smells around food—check.
Heartburn—check.
I left my Chinese chicken salad on the table and went down the hall to grab a pregnancy test from our storage cabinet.
I couldn’t be pregnant…could I?
I’d thought we were safe each time, and we were…besides that first night when the condom broke, but I thought we were good since I was on the pill. It never crossed my mind that I could become pregnant. I assumed everything was related to my period…my period which was late.
Shit!
With everything going on with Brooke, I didn’t think about calculating dates. I was in a new relationship with a great guy—in love with him, in fact, and my best friend had a fucking tumor. Being pregnant never once crossed my mind.
I grabbed three home pregnancy tests, figuring that if one was positive and one was negative, then the third would be correct. That was logical…right? I had ten minutes before our next patient and I locked myself in the bathroom and took a deep breath, and stared at my reflection.
Was I going to be a mother?
Maybe I should have waited until I got home to take the tests, but I wasn’t a patient person. If I was pregnant, I needed to know now.
After I’d peed on all three test strips, I laid them on the counter with a paper towel under them and waited the longest five minutes of my life.
I wanted to call Avery and tell him. I wanted him to tell me that no matter what the test said, we’d be okay, that he’d want this baby. He told me before that he wanted children, but did he want them with me? Sure, he asked me to move in with him and he told me that he loved me, but kids were a big deal. Were we ready for an eighteen year commitment?
Biting the finger nail of my pointer finger, I stared at the countdown timer on my phone as I waited. Then doubt set it in. What if I told Avery I was pregnant and he didn’t want me anymore. What if he blamed me? What if he said that I got pregnant on purpose? All of it was ridiculous and absurd, but what if?
There I go again, living a “what if” life.
I took a calming breath. Whatever the test showed, I’d be okay with it. If I wasn’t pregnant, I wouldn’t tell Avery about this little scare. And if I was pregnant…shit was going to get real and I was still moving in with Avery no matter what he said. We would have created this baby together and I wouldn’t let him change our course because of this.
What was I saying? Avery wouldn’t do any of that. He loved me. He showed me every day, even if it was just on the phone. He also showed me in person before he said he loved me. And since he told me yesterday that he’d loved me, he’s told me several times. We would be okay.
My brain was going a hundred miles a minute while I argued with myself about what would happen. I had two seconds left before it was time to check.
I stopped the timer, took another deep breath, and picked up the first stick.
Pregnant—check.
All three strips were positive.
Shit just got real.
The best thing Easton and I ever did for the bar was promoting Bethy to manager. I couldn’t believe that we hadn’t done it before. Having the three of us switch off during the week to close gave me time to talk to Nicole before she went to bed. She still went to bed around nine at night and that didn’t work well with my schedule when I had to close the bar.
Since Bethy was closing tonight, and Easton and I had the night off, we were having a family dinner after Cheyenne’s softball practice. I couldn’t wait to hear what Jimmy and Jane thought about Nicole. From what I saw, they’d loved her, but I still wanted to make sure.
Before I left for their house, I called Nicole. She didn’t answer. I double checked the time and she should have been home and waiting for my call. It’s what we did every night. Thinking that she must have just been away from her phone, I left a message telling her that I’d call once I got home from dinner.
I pulled up to Jimmy and Jane’s just as Easton pulled up with Cheyenne. Cheyenne ran over to me while Easton slowly got out of his car. We nodded our hellos.
“Oh my God, Uncle A! Today in practice, I dove for a ball. I dove like Brooke told me she used to do.”
“That’s awesome, C.C.!”
“Except, I didn’t stop the ball.”
I laughed slightly. “It takes practice, C.C. Took me a few tries to get the timing down and I still would miss some.”
“At second base?”
“Yep.” I walked towards the front door with my hand on her head. She didn’t complain about her hair like she had when Easton touched her hair on the plane. Softball was toughening her up already.
“Do you miss playing? I mean, since you’re old?” She smiled.
“Peanut!” Easton scolded from behind us. “I told you we’re not old.”
“Then why don’t you both still play?”
“Because we have you, munchkin,” I answered.
“I’m old enough to go to your games.”
“Our games would be late at night and past your bedtime,” Easton said.
“Well, I love playing and I think that you two should play again.” She opened the front door, not waiting for us to respond.
It had been years since either one of had played baseball, but the more I watched Cheyenne play, the more I missed it. Maybe she was right? Maybe we should see about joining an adult league.
“Sorry about that. You know she doesn’t know why you stopped playing,” Easton said.
“Nah, it’s cool. Maybe we should?”
“Really?” His eyes lit up.
“Really what?” Jimmy asked.
“Maybe Easton and I should start throwing the ball around again.”
“Really?” they both asked in unison.
“Yeah.” I smiled. “I’m starting to miss the game, and if C.C. wants me to show her my moves, I need to start practicing.”
I left Easton and Jimmy staring at each other. They had both been there when I gave up and didn’t join the minor league. They’d supported me. I hadn’t thrown a ball since my last game in college, but things change. People change.
It was time for me to change.
“Av, can you open this?” Jane asked, handing me a jar of pasta sauce.
“Smells good in here,” I said, taking the jar from her hands.
“It’s just spaghetti.”
“And garlic bread,” Jimmy said, walking into the kitchen.
“With extra cheese?”
“Of course. I know how my boys like it.”
“I can’t wait. I’ve been trying to cut down on my cheese intake.”
“Why?” Jane asked.
“Nicole’s been having a bad reaction to it lately, so I try not to eat it in front of her. She says she loves cheese, but can’t eat it.” I shrug.
“Well, you better get your fill now,” Jimmy said.
“I plan on it.” I smiled. “I asked her to move in with me.”
“You did?” Jane beamed.
“Yeah, but let’s not tell East. I don’t want him to feel like he has to ask Brooke, and we don’t want to tell Brooke with everything that’s going on.”
“Your secret’s safe with me,” Jane said, using her fingers to lock her mouth.
Easton and Cheyenne came in a few minutes later and we sat down for dinner. I hated keeping secrets from my best friend, but Brooke was having surgery on Friday. Once she was well, Nicole was moving.
Period.
After dinner, Cheyenne told us all about softball. I think we all loved the fact that she was
taking after Dana in some way. I remember Dana playing high school softball. She was pretty good at fielding, but a terrible batter. Maybe I could talk Easton into letting me help coach?
I left about an hour later. It was almost nine and I needed to say goodnight to my girl before she crashed. I hadn’t talked to her all day and she hadn’t called me either. She knew I was having dinner with The Crawfords, but I still wished she would have at least texted me. I missed her.
I drove home, trying her cell again with no answer. I was starting to worry. She knew I’d be calling after dinner. I tried her again, still no answer. I was about to call Easton and ask him if the girls were together tonight, but as I pulled up to my townhouse, I saw Nicole sitting on my front steps in her work scrubs.
I parked quickly and jumped out of my truck. “What are you doing here?” I asked, pulling her to me as she stood.
“I have something to tell you,” she said, hugging me back.
“It’s not that I don’t love that you’re here, but you couldn’t tell me over the phone?”
“No,” she said, shaking her head.
I stared into her beautiful blue eyes that were dark from the night sky and her face only lit by my porch light. “What is it? What’s wrong?”
“Let’s go inside,” she said, giving a sad smile.
I took a deep breath and unlocked my front door. If she were breaking up with me, then this night had just become the worst night of my life. But would she drive four and half hours just to break up with me? Why would she break up with me after we’d just said we loved each other?
I didn’t like not knowing.
I slowly opened the door, looking over my shoulder as she smiled tight again. I let her walk in first, and then I shut the door behind us. The silence was killing me, and the few seconds it took to open and close the door felt like an eternity. I even felt like I was physically moving slower. Maybe I was. I didn’t want time to speed up if she was leaving me. Maybe I shouldn’t have asked her to move in. Maybe I was moving too fast. Maybe I scared her away.
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