I wanted to go back to two days ago and never leave her side. I would have done something—anything to make her happy. I would have told her that I was okay because even though I was heartbroken about our baby, I was lost without her. My world was crashing down around me and I couldn’t go to her. I would have lied to make her stay because I knew with time, we could heal each other.
Every minute of every day, I wanted to get in my truck and drive to Boston. But she’d told me she needed time and if I went there begging her to come home, I knew she wouldn’t. It had to be on her time.
But what if that time never came?
Fucking what-ifs!
I felt like my life started the day Nicole and I met. For so long I was searching, wanting to find that person to spend the rest of my life with and when I found Nicole, I knew; I knew she was the one. She was my reason to live. My reason to breath. My reason to love.
Now my reason to love was back to being four and half hours away. I never thought she’d leave again; that I’d wake up alone in my bed on another Monday.
Finally pulling myself out of bed, I threw on a pair of black gym shorts, a black T-shirt and my black gym shoes—everything was black because no matter how I felt, I was still mourning. I’d been ignoring everyone for the past two days and when Easton told me that we were going to the gym, even if he had to drag me there, I decided that it was time to get out of the house.
“Hey,” he said, getting out of his car when he saw me get out of my truck in the gym’s parking lot.
“Hey,” I replied with a chin lift.
“You wanna talk about it?”
“No,” I snapped. “I definitely don’t want to talk about it.”
“All right. Let’s go beat shit up.”
I nodded and followed him as we walked through the gym to where they had a boxing bag and gloves. Easton was right. I needed to beat shit up. I could feel the anger throughout my whole body. I was sad. I was depressed. I was heartbroken, but most of all, I was angry.
I knew that Nicole and I could get past this curve ball life was throwing at us. I knew that I could help her. I could take the pain away, but I was angry she wasn’t letting me.
After I’d strapped on the gloves, Easton stepped behind the bag, his body pressed to it as I began to throw punches. It started out slow. A couple of jabs, a couple of hooks, combinations of both and then it started to get more intense. Everything in the last two weeks came crashing down and I hit the bag harder. I hit it with so much force that Easton had to put his whole body into it so I didn’t knock him over.
Sweat was dripping down my face, down my body and I kept swinging.
Right. Left. Right. Hook.
Right. Left. Right. Jab.
Right. Left. Jab. Uppercut.
Right. Left. Uppercut. Kick.
Kick. Kick. Kick. Kick. Kick. I growled as I lifted my leg and kicked the bag as hard as I could, over and over and over.
“Fuck!” I shouted. Everyone in the gym turned to look at me and I fell to the floor, my hands covering my face.
“Again?” Easton asked.
I looked up at him. “Yeah.”
I got to my feet and repeated beating the shit out of the bag. Easton didn’t say any words other than asking me if I wanted to go again when I would stop to catch my breath. I beat the shit out of that bag for over an hour before I could no longer feel anything, leaving me numb.
Like my heart.
The last time I walked into Halo, most of my world was intact. I didn’t know that when I would leave, my world would be pulled from me like a rug beneath my feet. I took a deep breath, opened the heavy wood front door and walked in.
I didn’t want to be there. I wanted to be with Nicole, but I had to be at Halo. Easton had covered me enough in the last seven days, that I couldn’t ask him to do it again. Plus, Brooke had a doctor’s appointment that he said they couldn’t miss. I didn’t ask questions, I just nodded.
The lunch crowd turned into the happy hour crowd. I was going through the motions: filling drinks, taking money, and pretending I cared about any of it.
“What time do you get off?” a brunette asked me.
I stared at her for a beat. This was what women usually asked Easton—not me.
“Whenever I want,” I said, not caring if I was being nice or not.
“You want to get out of here now?”
“Yeah, but I can’t.”
“I thought you said you could leave whenever you wanted to?”
“I can.” I laughed. “I own the place.”
“Then what’s stopping you?”
“Her,” I said before I could stop myself.
“Her?” the brunette asked, pointing to Joanna, our new bartender.
“No,” I said, shaking my head.
“Girlfriend?”
“No,” I said again. It was the truth.
“Then who?”
“No one. Want a shot on the house?” I asked, changing the subject.
Her brown eyes brightened. “Sure!”
I poured us each a shot of Jameson. I’d never drank on the job before. It wasn’t my style, but given the current circumstances, alcohol seemed to be the answer and I didn’t care if I was on the clock—so to speak.
“Another?” I asked.
“Sure!” No one passed up free alcohol.
“Whatcha up to, boss?” Traver, one of my waiters asked.
“Um…what’s your name?” I asked the brunette.
“Gia.”
“Gia and I are drinking. What else does it look like?”
The look on Traver’s face told me that he knew this wasn’t my style. Employees weren’t allowed to drink on the job and that included me.
“Grab a glass,” I told him.
“That’s okay.” He gave a tight smile. “I’m going to go help the customers at the other end of the bar.”
“Suit yourself.” I leaned on the wood bar in front of Gia when Traver walked away. “So tell me. What’s your sad story?” I asked her.
“Why do you think I have a sad story?”
“Why else would you be in a bar drinking alone and wanting to pick up men?”
She blushed. “Just got dumped.”
“What a coincidence. Me too.”
“Sucks, huh?” she asked, taking a sip of her watered down Patron margarita.
“Sure does.”
“Wanna talk about?”
“Do you?”
“If you want to.” She shrugged.
“This is going to take more than two shots.” I poured us another round. “You go first.”
“Let’s just say there was a big misunderstanding. I was less than transparent and hid something. He took it the wrong way and ran.” She frowned.
“I get the running.” I sighed. “She ran.”
“I only had a few minutes to explain myself. That’s what kills me. Not being able to tell my side. I hate when people assume the worst of you.”
“She didn’t let me explain either. She left while I was here,” I said, pouring us another shot of Jameson.
“Fucking guts me,” she said, then downed the shot.
“How do we get them back?” I asked, wiping my mouth after I downed the amber liquid. It burned down into my belly.
“My plan,” Gia said, “is to go to him. He owes me at least five minutes. In that five minutes if he can’t understand why I did what I did…well, then it wasn’t meant to be.” She smiled warmly.
I took a deep breath. “She told me to give her time. I can’t go to her. What do I do?”
Gia thought for a moment. “My advice is to give her the time she asked for. If you decide that it’s not working for you anymore, call her. No, better yet, go see her. She needs to see your face.” She pushed her shot glass to me and I smiled, refilling it.
“How long is time? It’s been two days.”
“I’d say at least a week. Let her miss you. I know it’s hard. Fuck, it’s killing me also. He’s in Europ
e on tour doing God knows what. But, I know that time is essential. Let her heart ache for you for a few more days. I’m a woman. I know how hard it is for us. Believe me!” She took a deep breath then whispered, “I cry myself to sleep every night.”
I gave a tight smile. I knew her pain exactly. I might be a man, but I knew what crying myself to sleep felt like. When we got the news that we’d lost our baby, we’d cried ourselves to sleep for four nights straight. “A week feels like an eternity.”
“It’s been two weeks for me. That’s why I’m here drowning my sorrows, babe. Sucks, but it is what it is. Give her a few days. I promise it will be worth it. You push her too soon and she’ll bail again.”
“You’re right.” I nodded. “Want another shot?”
“Like you have to ask,” she said with a chuckle.
After I’d poured another shot, I went to leave to help another customer, but Gia grabbed my hand, stopping me. “I can tell you’re a good guy. Another time, another place, and maybe something could have been different. But at least we can be friends.” She smiled.
“Yeah. What’s your man’s band’s name?”
“Lethal Abel.”
“I look forward to seeing a concert with you.” I smiled.
“If I get him back,” she murmured.
“You will.” I nodded.
I turned to go help customers and I saw Easton approaching out of the corner of my eye.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“Traver called me.”
“Why?” I asked, looking over at Traver. He gave me a tight smile. Fucking traitor.
“Come with me to the office,” Easton said.
I stumbled as I made my way up the stairs; the alcohol was starting to get into my system. I didn’t know if it was the booze or my conversation with Gia, but something was giving me hope.
Closing the door behind us, Easton spoke. “Drinking on the job?”
“Fuck off,” I slurred.
“I get it, Av. Trust me, I get it. But you can’t drink in front of our customers and staff. You’ll give them the wrong idea.”
“I know, man,” I snapped.
“Plus it’s illegal and we can lose our license.”
“I know!” I yelled.
“Look, sit down on the couch and sleep it off. I’ll cover for you,” he said, trying to steer me to the couch.
“What about Brooke?”
“We’re done at the doctor’s.”
“What happened?”
“I’ll tell you when you’re sober. Just sleep it off and I’ll wake you when we close.”
I stared at the couch for a few seconds, trying to focus on it. “How many girls have you screwed around with on this thing?”
“You don’t want to know.” He laughed.
Before I closed my eyes, I pulled out my cell phone and sent Nicole my nightly text to her.
Me: I love you!
Day Four Without Avery
Avery: I love you!
For the last four days since I’d walked away from Avery, I’d thought about him. I’d thought about him every second, every minute, and every hour. I’d thought about him every single day. I’d even thought about him showing up at my parents’ house and telling me how wrong I was for leaving him. I told him to give me time and he was, but I still didn’t know if that was what I wanted.
My mother made me my favorite breakfast every morning, then my favorite lunch, and then my favorite dinner since I was finally eating again. My father sat in his reclining chair, watching sports, and not saying a word as I moped around, crying at commercials at the drop of a hat. What could he say? Fathers usually wanted to kill the boy in the relationship, but Avery had done nothing wrong. This was all me. It wasn’t Avery’s fault. It was all my fault.
I felt like a part of me was missing. It wasn’t the baby that was missing anymore, it was Avery. He was missing from my life. I was missing him. Each day, I told myself that I’d go back home, go back to Avery. But then I’d stop myself because I didn’t want to hurt Avery more than I already was.
I thought that I needed time away. Time to think. But the more I thought, the more I missed him. I was so scared that I wasn’t strong enough for him; that he’d want someone who could give him children on the first try. Each day I reread his text messages, replayed all our moments together and I knew. I knew I was a fool for walking out the door. At the time, I did what my heart was telling me to do, but each day seemed to be getting clearer, showing me that all roads led back to Avery.
As I lay on the couch, pretending to watch the Red Sox game with my dad, there was a knock at the door. My heart stopped. I looked like shit. I hadn’t changed out of my pajamas in four days. I hadn’t brushed my hair or used deodorant and I hadn’t showered since I never left the house. If Avery was at the door, he’d probably take one look at me and turn around, running away because I was a hot mess.
My mom opened the door and I held my breath, listening to her to see if I could tell who it was.
“It’s about time you showed up,” my mom said.
“Sorry, I had a doctor’s appointment that I couldn’t miss,” Brooke said.
My heart sank. It wasn’t Avery. It was Brooke.
“She’s on the couch,” my mom said.
I stared at the archway that led from the hallway to the living room and waited for Brooke to round the corner. When she did, her eyes met mine and I started to cry again. Her diamond ring on her left hand reflected the light from the lamp by the couch and I lost it. I lost it because I’d thrown my happiness away. I wanted to marry Avery. I wanted to be with him forever. And now Brooke was engaged to his best friend.
“Come talk to me,” Brooke said, motioning with her head towards my bedroom.
I sat up, my dad staring at me. “Make her take a shower too.”
I groaned, wiping my tears with my hand and followed Brooke as we walked to my room.
“How is he?” I asked, closing the door behind me before Brooke could ask the same of me.
“Pissed,” she said, sitting on the edge of my bed.
I started to cry again. Brooke pulled me to her to sit on the bed and wrapped me in her arms. We didn’t speak for several minutes as she rubbed my back until my tears started to go away again.
“Do you blame him?” she finally asked.
“No,” I said, shaking my head and not lifting it from her shoulder.
“I can’t even imagine what you’re going through, Nic. But you have to know that Avery would’ve helped you through it. He loves you.”
“I know,” I said, sniffing. “But I didn’t want him to feel like he had to.”
“Had to help you through it?”
“Yeah,” I said dryly.
“Are you insane?”
“What?” I asked, flabbergasted. Lifting my head, I turned to her.
“I’m gonna give it to you straight. For years, you told me to leave Jared. You knew my feelings for him, but yet you were still a bitch about it. Do you know why you were such a bitch?”
I stared at her, my eyes wide with confusion. “I didn’t like the guy because he wasn’t good for you.”
“Exactly. You knew he wasn’t and I know that Avery is good for you. So I’m going to give you the same treatment. You need to pack up your shit and go home, Nic. Avery’s your home now. I know why you came here. You wanted your mom and dad to take care of you. I get it. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through, but moving back in with your parents isn’t going to solve anything.”
“I know. I just needed time.”
“I came here wanting to see how you were doing and the first thing you asked me was about Avery. You obviously miss him and want to be with him. Why are you two hurting when you can be together and happy?”
“He probably doesn’t want me back. I broke his heart—I lost our baby.”
“Do you honestly believe he doesn’t want you back?”
I stared at her, trying to find an answer t
o her question.
“Do you think that, in just four days, Avery’s going to forget about you and move on?”
“No,” I said shaking my head. “Why are you being so mean to me?” I asked, trying to hold back my tears.
“It’s called tough love, Nic. You need tough love now. Two of my favorite people are hurting and if I need to slap one upside the head so she’ll open her eyes, I will.”
“But I lost my baby, Brooke. My. Baby!”
“And he lost his baby and the love of his life left him. I know it was tough—still tough. But you had a miscarriage. Women have those all the time. It doesn’t mean you can’t have children. I might… Look, why not try again? You’re not broken.”
“You might what?” My eyebrows furrowed.
“What?”
“You said you might and then you stopped.”
“Oh, I…I might force you to make another baby.” She laughed.
That wasn’t what she was going to say, but I let it slide. She was actually making a lot of sense. I thought that I might never be happy again. I’d left what would make me happy again.
“I didn’t just have a miscarriage, B. It was a fetal demise. The baby was dead inside of me for three weeks. Three weeks!”
“I know, honey. I can’t even imagine.”
I cried more on her shoulder while she held me, not saying anything. I thought about what she’d said and how I missed Avery like my next breath. She was right. It was time.
“How do I get him back?” I asked.
“I’d start with a shower.” Brooke laughed.
Day Five Without Nicole
Me: I love you!
Another sleepless night.
It seemed that I was only able to sleep an hour at a time unless I drowned my sorrows in a bottle of booze. My bed felt empty and cold and so did my heart. The pain was like daggers stabbing my heart over and over and over. I tried not to love her anymore—tried pretending. It wasn’t that easy. There was no unloving Nicole even though it would help my broken heart.
The Halo Series Boxed Set Page 46
