by Sarah Delany
It isn’t until lunch time I get knocked down, all over again. I hadn’t heard from Tate again but that hadn’t stopped me from checking my phone constantly for new messages. I grab my tray of food and walk through the door leading outside to the guys bench, where they always have lunch when it’s sunny.
As I’m approaching they’ve got their heads together and are talking in hushed voices. It looks like they are having a secret meeting. I slow my steps in case I intrude on something, not meant for my ears.
They still haven’t noticed me and I’m nearly at the table so I blurt out, “Hey guys,” to get their attention. It has them all jumping out of their seats with guilty expressions on their faces. What’s that about? My eyebrows pinch as I glance at each of them in turn. JP hurriedly shoves his phone into his pocket, piquing my curiosity. “Was there something on your phone you didn’t want me to see?” I say with a laugh, trying to play off my interest.
“No, nothing,” Rafe says, staring at the bench while Scott looks anywhere but at me. I look to JP, trying to read his blank face. The hairs on my arms stand on end, making a chill run over me and I can feel it in the pit of my stomach. It has something to do with Tate.
“Is it Tate?” I ask, staring JP down. Rafe audibly sighs with his head hung low.
“Don’t worry about it Tamsyn,” JP tells me, but if it’s causing this much angst with them, it must be bad.
“Tell me. What is it? I’m not going to stop until I know what it is. I’ll ask Tate myself if I have to,” I huff, frustration coursing through me. I slam my tray down on the table, keeping my eyes locked on JP.
“You might as well show her,” Scott sadly says.
“No, dont,” Rafe yells at JP, trying to stop him.
“She’s gonna keep going until she gets her way,” Scott retaliates.
“Please JP don’t,” Rafe begs. Why is he begging JP not to tell me whatever it is? How bad is it? I glance at Rafe and his sad eyes lock on mine. I turn my gaze back to JP and hold out my hand, hoping if I appear confident he will give me his phone. We stay locked in a staring contest for a minute before he relents.
“Fine, but you’ve been warned. It’s not pretty,” JP says.
“We don’t know what it means,” Scott says, and I glance to Rafe as his shoulders hunch over, not saying a word. JP swipes his hand across his phone screen bringing up the thing he doesn’t want to show me. He holds it up for me to see and my breath whooshes out of my lungs. My ears block all sound except the thundering of my heart beat. My wide eyes stare at the photo of Tate, his eyes closed but a hint of a smile on his lips. His hair appears longer than it was when he left. I haven’t seen him for what seems like forever and he already looks a tad different. It’s the girl on top of him in her underwear that has me in shock. Who is she and when was this taken? I don’t feel the hand on my shoulder until they shake me.
“Tamsyn you okay? I knew you’d be upset if you saw it. That’s why I didn’t want you seeing it.” I lift my gaze away from the photo and stare into Rafe’s concerned eyes instead.
Fake smile in place I say, “Yeah, I’m fine,” as I force myself to hand JP back his phone and take a seat at the table.
“I’ll get to the bottom of it, Tamsyn. I’m sure it isn’t what we’re thinking,” JP says, trying to comfort me. I take a big bite of my apple so I don’t have to answer him. The guys all sit quietly and follow my lead, not talking. We stay like this all through lunch and I retreat further into my shell. I manage to hold in the tears. When the lunch bell rings, I scurry away from them and go straight to my safe place. My sanctuary. I spend the rest of the day, holed up in the stall hugging myself tight, keeping myself together. I don’t shed a single tear.
I’m silent all the way home and the guys let me be. They don’t try to drag me from where my mind has gone, letting me stay in the bubble for now. I say goodbye to them and walk into my house. I take a deep breath and plaster on my old mask, not wanting to upset my mum. She doesn’t need to see how much I’m hurting.
“Hey Mum, my stomach’s sore. I’m going to go lie down,” I yell to where she is in the kitchen. Her head whips my way, inspecting me.
“You okay bub? Is it a tummy bug?” she queries.
“Yeah, I’ve felt off all day. I’m gonna try to sleep it off,” I tell her, as I step towards the stairs, trying to get away from her quizzical eyes.
“I’ll check on you later,” she says with a frown, walking back towards the kitchen. I traipse up the stairs, open my door and throw myself at my bed. The door slams shut behind me. I pull my knees into my chest and close my eyes tightly, wishing the memory of that photo wasn’t melded in my brain. But it is.
My mum checks on me later before she goes to bed. I tell her I’m feeling better but going to keep sleeping, in the hopes I’ll be okay to go to school tomorrow. She turns off my light and shuts my door, leaving me lying in the darkness. Why is it always in the dark where my thoughts take control? The demons wait for the light to diminish so they can invade my mind and make me feel worse. I don’t want to lie in here and let my thoughts take over so I creep to the closet and change my clothes. I haven’t changed out of my uniform yet. I wiggle my feet into my sneakers. I should start untying the laces before I take them off.
Quietly I open my door and close it behind me, then creep down the stairs. My only thought is to get out of the house which is slowly suffocating me. However, as I walk past the living room, my eye catches the moonbeam shining through the curtain onto the liquor cabinet. It’s calling to me. My intentions have changed. I quickly step over to it and grab the already opened vodka bottle. I sneak into the kitchen and I find a plastic bottle in the drawer. Trying to be quiet so I don’t alert Mum, I tip the vodka into the plastic bottle and then refill the vodka bottle with water. My mum won’t know the difference unless she drinks it. Screwing the cap on my plastic bottle, I return the vodka bottle to the cabinet and make my escape. Sipping the burning liquor down as I race away, my thoughts focus on getting me away from the house. No destination in mind but escape. Scratch that thought, I have the perfect place in mind; my dock.
Once I reach the weathered dock, a cloak of peace rains down on me. Nothing else matters. My footsteps creak as I stride to the edge so I can sit and dangle my feet over, mimicking how me and Dad would sit whenever we ventured to the dock. I take a big gulp to wash away the thought. I wish my dad was here. He’d hate to see me upset over a boy but at least he’d be here to see it. I don’t know what advice he would give me. Me and Blake didn’t have any problems before my dad died so I was always happy on the boyfriend front. There was never any need to ask him for advice about boys.
Another scorching gulp gets forced down my throat, as my thoughts circle around the one thing I won’t let my mind stop on. If I stop, I fear it’ll crack me open again and I am only getting back to how I used to be. Happy? Is that what I used to be? I don’t know now. My brain is split into time frames. There’s me with Blake, Parker, Chloe and Leyla before my dad died. There’s me with them after my dad died. There’s me, when Tate came along and me, when Tate left. Why am I so affected by people when they leave? Why can’t I be me? Tamsyn. No catastrophic changes necessary.
Before I can continue on with my inner ramblings, I hear footsteps behind me. I swing my head around and see someone with their hoodie pulled up over their head, coming towards me. They must see the fear on my face because they quickly pull the hoodie back to show their face. I should have known one of them would find me. I turn back and ignore them as they take a seat next to me.
“How did you find me out here?” I say irritated, because my quiet moment has been invaded. He smirks at me and flicks his nose with his index finger. I roll my eyes at him and gulp down another mouthful. Breathing out between my teeth to rid the burn from my throat. He snatches the bottle from me and takes a sip before I can stop him.
“You shouldn’t be drink
ing out here alone in the dark, Ice Queen,” JP says, handing me back the bottle.
“I don’t need a lecture. Now, tell me how you found me?” I ask angrily.
He scratches his head and says, “You went quiet on us at school and you didn’t return any of my texts. I decided to come to your house to check on you and I saw you running away from it, so I followed you. You should keep an eye on your surroundings. I could have been anyone following you.” I roll my eyes at him again as I swallow more vodka down, needing to forget.
“Why do you call me Ice Queen?” I randomly ask. I’ve always wondered but he’s never confirmed it. His cheeks redden and I can’t take my gaze off his pink skin. I don’t think I’ve ever seen JP embarrassed.
“Way to put me on the spot,” he says shyly. I raise my brows at him, glad to have the attention off me for a minute. “Remember when I asked you out a few years ago?” he asks, and I nod because I remember it clearly. “You blew me off so badly in front of everyone. I didn’t take it very well and wanted to hurt you so I came up with the silly nickname for you. You were quite mean back then,” he says, laughing as he grabs my bottle for another sip, probably needing the alcohol to numb himself after his confession.
“I’m sorry. I was only mean about it because Chloe liked you at the time and I didn’t want to hurt her feelings by going out with you,” I confess, holding out my hand to get the bottle back from him.
His nose wrinkles in disgust as he says, “Chloe? No. I’d never have gone out with her. She was way more of a bitch than you were.” His reply has us both cackling with laughter. Once we stop laughing, he clarifies with a cheeky grin, “You aren’t a bitch anymore.”
“Thanks. I probably still have her hiding somewhere deep inside of me,” I tease. He offers me a small smile.
“Nah, I think the Ice Queen thawed a while ago,” he says, staring at me. We both break our gaze at the same time, turning our view out to the calm water. It looks as if it stretches out for miles into the darkness. “You okay?” he asks quietly, and I hear the question without him saying it out loud. He’s asking about the photo. I came out here to forget, not to have it dragged to the surface. The hurt I’d managed to push down bubbles up and my eyes burn. I turn to him with blurred vision and his face drops as he puts his arm around my shoulder, encasing me in his arms. Having him comfort me, forces the tears to leak out and drip down onto my shirt. He softly places his fist under my chin and lifts my gaze up to his. His thumb glides across my cheeks, one at a time, wiping the tears away.
“It hurts,” I confess, and the tears force themselves down my face in a flurry. Luckily JP is there to cuddle me.
“It’ll be okay, I promise,” he says, rubbing my back up and down, calming my sobs which are slowly turning into sniffles.
“Have you heard from him?” I ask, dreading his answer but it’s worse not knowing.
“No, his phone is switched off, which is weird. It wasn’t him who sent me the photo either. It was his friend Pierce.” My breath catches at the name Pierce. His friend from the other night. JP must mistake my intake of breath for something else because then he says, “The whole thing feels off to me. Pierce isn’t messaging back or answering my calls. I know it’s hard but try not to jump to any conclusions until we get the full story from Tate, okay?” I nod, knowing my mind will jump to the worst possible conclusions. I have no control over it in this situation.
“I miss him,” I sadly say.
“I know. I miss him too,” JP says, squeezing me closer to him. I can feel my brain getting hazy, the longer we sit here. The vodka finally kicking in.
“So do you like Penny?” I blurt. The vodka is loosening my lips if nothing else. He throws his head back laughing.
“Why, has she said something about me?” he asks, not giving anything away.
“Maybe. Maybe not,” I drag out, and he laughs again.
“Would it be an issue, if I did like her? Our friendship is the most important thing right now Ice Queen. So if it bothers you, I won’t go there. I won’t even entertain the thought,” he says, and his words have me staring at his face.
“When did our friendship become the most important thing to you? You hated me not too long ago,” I say, not believing what he’s saying. He links our hands together, giving mine a squeeze. He gazes upwards while he talks.
“For the longest time I thought you were horrible. Then Tate came along and was always telling me there was more to you. I kept pushing him when it came to you because I didn’t want you to hurt him, how you’d hurt me. The day I went off at you in the car park and then seeing you so broken in the shower afterwards,” he draws a big breath in and drops his head as he continues, “It was the worst day of my life. I felt responsible for breaking you.” He tilts his head to me and admits, “I still feel responsible.”
“I told you it was a lot of things that caused me to snap,” I say, trying to soothe him.
“Yeah but I was one of those factors. So since then, I’ve felt protective of you. I never want you to feel that low again Tamsyn. I see how Penny makes you happy and I don’t want to jeopardize your friendship with her.”
“It won’t,” I tell him.
“How can I be sure though? You’re quite good at covering up how you are feeling,” he says, and I realise he saw through my fake smile today. He chose not to say anything in the moment about it. Maybe the observation skills run in his family.
“I promise if I ever feel that low again, I’ll reach out to someone, okay?” I say, holding out my pinky finger for him.
He stares at it, his lips tugging up at the corners as he brings his own pinky to mine, linking them and saying, “Pinky promise.”
“Now back to Penny, do you like her?” I ask, eagerly.
“What did I just say? I don’t want me going out with her to affect your friendship if something happens,” he says.
“If you treat her right, we won’t have a problem,” I say, winking at him or it could be squinting. The alcohol is running full force through me now. “I give you my blessing,” I say matter of factly, causing him to laugh loudly.
“Come on, think it’s time you went to bed,” he says, as he jumps to his feet and then pulls me up to stand next to him. I sway a bit so he puts his arm around my shoulder to steady me. We walk like that, throwing my now empty bottle in the bin as we go.
“Tamsyn, I meant what I said about Tate. I know him. There must be more to the story,” he says, as we arrive at my house.
“Okay, I’ll try not to let my thoughts run wild,” I say to him.
“You going to be alright getting inside?” he asks, and I nod.
“Probably be quieter, me going in alone. Although, Rafe has managed to get me to bed twice now, without being seen,” I say.
“That’s because Rafe is used to sneaking in and out of girls’ houses,” he whispers right outside my door, and I have to cover my mouth with my hand to hold in my laughter.
“True. Goodnight JP. Thanks for following me. I feel better now,” I tell him.
He steps away from me and as I turn the door handle to go inside, he whispers, “Night, Ice Queen.” I close the door behind me as he walks away from my house. I tiptoe upstairs, shrug out of my clothes then climb into bed. My brain swirls around, making me dizzy as the alcohol flows through my system. The alcohol does its job, drowning out any worries I had of Tate, and letting me drift off into a forgetful slumber.
Chapter 15
-- Tate --
I can’t face school on Tuesday so I spend it in bed. Mum comes into my room in the morning since I never got up. I tell her I need a day off and she doesn’t push for any more information. I’m grateful. I’ve had my phone turned off since I left school yesterday. I didn’t want anyone texting me about the stupid photo. It makes me furious thinking about the lengths Avery has gone to. Why can’t she accept the fact I don’t want to
be with her?
My mind is all over the place and without thinking it through, I slide Quinn’s journal out from under my pillow. It’s been hiding there for weeks now. I haven’t opened it again since I took it from her room, scared of what other secrets I may find. At this point in time, I need a connection to my sister. Her own written words are the closest I can get right now.
I sit up, fluff my pillows behind me and lean back. Holding her precious journal in my hands, I take a deep breath and center myself before I flip open the cover. I scan pages as I flick through. A lot of what is written are random quotes; quotes about life and happiness. As I flip through, I notice the context of the quotes change. They change from happiness to depression, sadness and hope. My breathing picks up pace but I breathe deeper, staying in control. My flicking stops on a random page in the middle of the book. It doesn’t look any different to the other pages except the title catches my eye. It says Dear Quinn. I hold my breath, close my eyes and lean my head back against the wall. I don’t know if I have the strength today to open up something not meant for my eyes. Before my heart can tell my mind to stop, my eyes begin reading what it says.
Dear Quinn,
You are stronger than you possibly know. You need to pull yourself out of this darkness you are living in and see you are loved and worthy of love. You are a beautiful soul who deserves all life has to offer so stop the darkness from taking hold. Fight it with all you have inside. You can do it. I believe in you. Remember that when you feel yourself start to fade.
You have your friends, your family and everyone who loves you. You have Tate. Reach out to them when you need to. Don’t hold it in. Don’t feel guilty for the way you feel either. Try to be kinder to yourself because you are too hard on yourself. Love who you are and everything about yourself because the people in your life, love you just as you are. Don’t lose hope. Hang on and find the light again.
