by Sam Hall
"I can't," I said, backing away and seeing the hurt on his face, which only had me scuttling further. I cared for these men, would do anything I could to protect them from pain, but I realised then that I was the biggest threat to them. Left alone by my Tirian, Jack's words hit me like knives. "I'm sorry, so, so sorry—"
"It's OK, love. You don't look happy, and we have a few days. Did you want to—"
"I need a shower. I'm covered with cum."
His smile darkened at that, became somehow predatory.
"It doesn't make me feel sexy. I feel like shit."
His smile dropped, but his eyes softened. "Then let’s get you clean."
"No, no." I held back the tears that suddenly pricked at my eyes, hating the sound of them in my voice. "I need to do this myself."
"I don't think that's right," he said, placing a hand on my shoulder and steering me through the bathroom door. "Jules, you need someone to look after you."
"No." I shook my head, a few drops fighting their way free now, and my sockets burned as they came through. "No, I can't keep doing this."
"Doing what?"
He pushed me under the shower head and turned the water on. For a moment, I just looked up at the spill of water, glad for the opportunity it gave me to cry without it being seen.
Or was it? Aaron ditched the towel and poured soap into his hands, moving them over my body and washing me meticulously as my ribs shook with my sobs. He then went to work on my hair, soaping it up.
"No," I said as I felt the slow unravelling of tension under his fingertips, trying to move away from him.
"Yes," he said, yanking me back. "You need this."
So I let him clean me, care for me, and soothe me, right when I felt I deserved it the least.
He had needs that cried out to be cared for as well. As per usual, his cock was hard as he worked. When he caught me looking down, he shrugged. "I'm always going to respond to you, Jules. I did in the car when I first met you, when you made a ridiculous attempt to fire that gun, and I am now. Just because I'm hard, doesn't mean anyone needs to do anything about it."
"Can you get some relief with another guy? It doesn't have to be Brandon. If I'm fucking a legion of guys, I can hardly complain if you do."
He chuckled at that and pulled me in against his chest.
"Doesn't work like that for me, Jules. I'm not like Jack and Hawk. I've never been emotionally interested in guys. In the past, it was just a hole, a mouth to get me off. Now, I like the performance element of it." His thumb brushed the corner of my mouth. "That you're watching the two of us fuck, getting wetter and wetter so that when I bury my face in you after Brandon's come inside me, you cover me from nose to chin."
I felt that low down thrum of arousal, so easy to summon forward since I'd come to Sanctuary, but I beat it back. The memory of the black wolf's licking of his fingers as he touched me quenched that quick smart.
"I'm sorry," I said, not totally sure for what specifically.
His thumb brushed across my cheek. "It's OK, Jules. It'll all be OK."
He left me in the main bedroom to dry off and get dressed. It smelled like them, a woody, musky scent that provoked a momentary desire to jump on the bed and roll around in it. Instead, I pulled on warm clothes, covering every inch of my skin that I could. I needed the protection, a buffer between the guys and me. When I walked back into the lounge room, they were all clustered around, drinking coffee or chatting. That all stopped when they saw me. Aaron was now in a tight khaki t-shirt and some shorts, and he smiled at me encouragingly as I moved closer.
"Jules—" Brandon started as he leapt down from the counter, walking towards me, but I stopped him with a shake of my head.
"Everyone, just sit down. At the dining table, I think."
I got my fair share of searching looks and expressions of concern, but they did as I asked. Of course, they did. That was the thing about this place. I'd thought it was some kind of paradise, where women ruled the roost and there was an embarrassment of riches when it came to hot men. But I realised with plentiful dick comes great responsibility. I was free to sleep with whomever I liked, but it was more than that for these guys. Women were by default precious, due to our rarity. If I was to be what they said I was—a pack leader—I needed to start acting very differently.
I took the chair left to me, the one at the head of the table. I paused, just letting myself take them all in. God, how had I ever gotten so lucky? Even Jack's guarded face and Hawk's haunted one were important to me. These were good guys, guys I wanted to be around, spend time with, get to know better. I blinked, Shaun's face popping up as well, for a moment. No matter what my beast thought, that was an ugly and shit way of dealing with things and as leader, it was on me to do my level best to avoid that and make amends when I could.
"First of all, I want to start by saying sorry." I turned to Finn, who sat by my right hand. "You stepped out to do some work for a few hours, and then came home to total chaos. You must despair of us, feel like you can't leave us alone without adult supervision. I'm sorry you feel like it falls on you to try and be that person, though I'm thankful every day that you do. I'm sorry you have to carry this burden. I'm going to try and be the leader of this pack that I'm supposed to be, and start taking some of that from you, but I'm probably going to need your help."
Finn's hand snaked over to take mine, and I squeezed it for a second. "I can't let myself touch you for long," I said as I pulled it back. "You guys are so fucking addictive. You said the heat would abate, but it doesn't seem to be. I had sex...more times than I could count yesterday. That's not me, that's not my life. I feel like I'm just this clit on legs, dragged hither and thither by what turns me on in that moment. For at least some of you, this is about more than just getting off with a willing female, am I right?" Most of them nodded their heads. "I need to start taking that into account, and I need you to remind me when I get caught up in the physical side of things. Any woman would be proud to have you by their side." My eyes skipped along each of them until they settled on Jack and Hawk. Hawk's eyes simmered with something, I didn't know him well enough to guess at what at that point, but Jack's burned. "You deserve better than what you've been getting.
"Slade..." my voice broke as I said his name. The glow of what had happened surged in my chest as I looked upon him. "Last night was... Fuck, there's no words for that, there just aren't. Just know it was the most intense, most beautiful thing I've ever participated in. And you're right, you can be a bit of a cunt, but I'm so glad it was with you. Because under all that bluster and bluntness is someone with a big heart. I'm sorry it took me longer to get where we are, that I was lagging when you were leading. I'm sorry I bailed on your parents and—"
"Princess, you've gotta stop. You're nailing yourself to a cross none of us want to see you on. My mother is a busybody, a nice one, but she's full on. I'd nick off over the fence if I had the chance, believe you me."
When I laughed, the tears I'd been holding back spilled freely. "It stands, though," I said when I sobered. "I need to talk to you about these things, rather than run to Brandon. Which brings me to you."
Brandon's grey eyes watched me. He wasn't giving away a lot, so I had no idea how he felt about this. "Everyone relies on you to keep the relationships we seem to be ignoring ticking along. You were hurt by what happened with Slade and I, and I went to you to help process what I was going through. I am so sorry for that. You have needs as well, but you aren't letting me know what they are. I accepted your token, which means you're a potential, but if this doesn't flow both ways, we are never going to be able to develop a relationship. Tell me no, tell me to piss off and sort my own shit, or reciprocate. I know it’s all been about me thus far, but I need to turn over a new leaf."
"You might live to regret this," he replied with a careful smile.
"Then today's on track to being a normal day." I turned to Aaron. "I'm sorry I haven't really got to know you. What happened yesterday with Shaun..." The
low thrumming sense of guilt spiked for a moment. "It made me realise that's the case with a few of you, most of you on some level. The heat was my excuse, but now it’s not. What you did in the shower, that resonates with what I've seen of you. You're sweet, protective, considerate, and sexy as hell, but I have no idea how you like your coffee, what you want from this, what your dreams are for the future. I want that, I want to know. Introduce me to the people who are important to you, show me your life. Make it happen, even if the dramas are peaking around here, because they always are."
"Black and two sugars, what we all want, Jules, and I'd like that," Aaron replied.
I nodded in recognition of this, pausing for a second. He was right. They all wanted a relationship, one that would last a lifetime in theory. The time for playing was over. I needed to make working out if that was possible a priority, or there'd be more pain left in my wake.
"Which brings me to Jack and Hawk. Thanks for sticking around. I'm not sure I would have after last night. Jack turned up to take Hawk home," I explained to the other guys. "He told me some home truths." A few rumbles went up round the table, but I held up a hand. "He's not invested in anything here, nothing except for Hawk. It was good—no, that's not the right word. It’s important to know what kind of impact I'm having here. I had no idea. I feel like a raging bitch, to break up families, to take dads from their kids." I stared at the wooden tabletop for a moment, tracing a seam in the panels with a finger.
"Jules..." Finn said, but I shook my head.
"Fuck, I understand your anger, Jack. Really, I do. I'm going to see if I can talk to Shaun today. I can't offer him what he wants, I know that now, but if he wants to tell me to go fuck myself as some kind of closure, I'm willing to do that. I've hurt so many people, and I had no idea I was doing it half the time. Have I been cock drunk? Have I just not adjusted well to this world? I don't know. And I hurt the two of you."
I focussed on Hawk, saw the tight muscles in his arms crossed across his chest, saw the narrow squint of his brown eyes. "You wanted to try things with a woman, and instead..." My eyes flicked to Jack, who sat with his hands clasped on the table, shoulders leaning forward, a picture of coiled strength. "Instead, I basically sexually assaulted your lover in front of you. I could blame it on my beast, she well and truly had the reins last night, but I'm not taking that cop out. I think any woman who lets you into her bed will be very lucky, and I'm sorry I didn't show you that."
"Jack," I turned to Hawk's partner before I could see his reaction, not able to bear that right now. "I'm so, so sorry for what went down. Take Hawk with you. You obviously love each other intensely. Don't let this shit, whatever dumb attitudes about your relationship prevail in this community, stop you from making the most of what you have. Don't offer another pawn for me to play with when I'm not doing a great job with the ones I already have."
He chuckled at this, a harsh, dark sound, shaking his head and tracing circles on the table top. His eyes burned just as bright when he looked back at me. "Got it all sorted out in your head, have ya, sweetheart? See Shaunie. If you've got a hard on for falling on your sword today, he's your best audience for it. As for the hot fuck on the couch? Apart from wanting it for Hawk first, it was no great chore for me. Came so fucking hard I thought my nuts would explode. You have a cunt like a vise." He shook his head. "Nope, with that and the hot monkey sex afterwards..." He looked at Hawk, placing a hand on the other man's shoulder, his fingers caressing the muscle there slowly. "Let’s just say hot angry monkey sex is even better. It's why we're still here, why I called in sick from work. Big, bad, and brooding here has been nailing my arse to the mattress in your spare room the whole night and has a better refractory time than he did when we were teens." His eyes dropped down to Hawk's crotch, and he smiled at what he saw there. "You're welcome to join us, but I'm riding the dick of the man I love until my prostate is so bruised, I can't walk."
The other men instantly started to grumble, but it was Hawk shaking off Jack's hand and getting to his feet that quietened them.
"I get that I'm a quiet bloke, and easier to ignore because I'm not mouthing off all the time. Never seen the point of it myself, all that meaningless blather. Action talks and bullshit walks in my opinion, but it seems sometimes I've got to put things on the table in a language that others understand. I'm not a token, not a green boy sniffing after his first pussy, not Jack's partner, not some sad case you need to bestow pity sex on."
He looked down at Jack. "What I saw between the two of them that's mated? I deserve that. We've been together since we were kids, Jack. You say you love me, but that, I've never had that, and if I'm never going to, I'm out." His eyes jerked over to me. "Last night, there was a connection, honest desire, if the slickness of your pussy was anything to go by. I deserve that. If you want me, tell me. Let me make the decision whether or not to take it further. Living with him, you think I don't know exactly how good a hate fuck can feel? I saw him and you, ripping into each other, and it was hot. I'm not so petty as to be sitting there with my hand on my cock, sniffling because it’s not me you're riding. None of it was a hardship. I licked every trace of you off his dick, wanting that taste, and he sucked the cum from my balls. Now, I’ve got to check in with my supervisor, make sure we don’t lose our fucking jobs over this. That’ll be where Shaun is, if you want a lift.”
I nodded, oddly feeling a lot better about everything.
“One last thing. I think I’m bonded to the black wolf.”
12
They'd wanted to talk for ages about that. Of course, they did, I'd totally buried the lead, knowing if that was on the table, they wouldn't hear anything else. Finn shut everyone up and listened stony faced when I told them the story. Slade got up and inspected the new scar, Aaron looked stricken, then furious, grabbing his phone and ringing his CO. Brandon sat down beside me and held my hand and asked me how I felt. Jack watched the whole thing with an incredulous smirk, and when Hawk announced he was going, I jumped at the chance.
"I'll come with," Jack said, slinking up next to us, "for moral support, of course."
"You're supposed to be laid up in bed with the shits or whatever excuse you used," Hawk said, slinging an arm around my shoulders. "And anyway, you need a cab of your own for your bloody ego. I'm taking Jules, and you're going to have to broker some peace with the rest of them, because you might have dumped me here, but I'm staying for the interim. C'mon, love."
Hawk was right about me, I thought as I walked over to his truck. He was a big, boofy man, perfectly capable of looking after himself. I hadn't wanted anyone's touch clouding the issue as I got what I had to say out, scared I'd be knee deep in yet another twelve-orgasm orgy within seconds if they did, all my good intentions tossed aside with my clothes. But his touch felt kinda different. It was more like that exciting but awkward, first date feel, rather than me feeling an immediate need to shove my hands down his pants. Though as he walked away from the passenger side, after having opened the door for me, I looked at that perfectly proportioned arse and imagined just what Jack had been doing to it. Hawk's dark bulk juxtaposed by Jack's slightly more streamlined blond... My teeth sunk into my bottom lip before I realised what I was doing. Hawk looked at me quizzically as I climbed in beside him, his nostrils flaring. Then he smiled, that supremely confident smirk men do when they know you think they're hot.
Of course, I think they're hot, I thought grumpily as I clipped my seat belt. After watching Brandon and Aaron together, it'd opened a whole new world of hard bodies, and my libido and imagination were pretty keen to plumb every depth of the live gay porn show I got on occasion. Perhaps that's why I watched him light his cigarette with hungry eyes, those big hands going through the motions with practised ease. I jumped when Buddy landed on my lap, obviously having leapt in through my open door. He plonked his furry butt in the space between us and I shut the door.
"You're not the first one, y'know," Hawk said as we drove away from the house. I looked at him, confused. "
Only time I get noticed is when Chuckles isn't around."
"Hawk..." My hand went out before I thought about it, Buddy stopping me from patting his leg. Patting his leg. What was I thinking? I barely knew the guy, and he'd already said we were treating him like a child.
He shot a look at me and shook his head. "It's alright. I know what people see in him. I'm in love with the ungrateful bastard. He shines pretty fucking bright, everyone else can't help but lurk in the shadows."
"Hey, I saw you first that day—"
"In the field? I know. God, your fucking scent half yanked me across the grass before I'd even had a chance to process it. That's when I knew." His eyes slid sideways. "I haven't participated in a mating contest since we were in our 20s. No point when we know how the women'll react. I dunno, there was something about you. I was scrambling around, trying to find some kind of suitable token when the news went out last night, but fucking Jack..."
I was shocked out of my study of the man when he pulled over the car suddenly, reaching between Buddy's legs to yank the handbrake on.
"C'mere," he said to me. He wasn't sure I would, I could see that in the angle of his shoulders, the closed off expression on his face.
"C'mon Bud," I said to my dog, swapping places with him in a series of clumsy gestures. This ended up with Bud leaning against the window, scanning the landscape beyond for cool stuff, and me sitting in the half seat, legs either side of the gear stick.
"What you did today, that's a good thing. You tried to consider what people need, how they feel. You should, but you were missing one important thing—our input. I'm assuming you've never been with a bloke that’s in a relationship with another bloke?"
"No, it's just been a fun thing the guys have done."
