Midwife's Baby Wish

by Gill Sanderson

  And then, suddenly, there was Adam. She turned and he was beside her, looking amazing in his dinner jacket. His smile was genuine but puzzled, and she guessed he wanted to know who this young man was whose arm she was clutching.

  And she wanted to tell him at once. ‘Adam, I’d like you to meet Josh Harrison, he’s going to join the practice as a registrar. I’m introducing him to people. Josh, Dr Fletcher is with us just for a few months, but he’s making a definite impression.’

  Josh shook the offered hand vigorously. ‘Pleased to meet you, sir. I’ve seen your programmes on TV. I think they’re very sound. We were told to watch them in med school to learn how to talk to patients.’

  Adam smiled. ‘That’s good to hear. And, please, Josh, it’s Adam. Not “sir”.’

  ‘Of course … Adam.’

  ‘You’d better carry on with your introductions,’ Adam went on to Lyn. ‘I gather there’s going to be dancing later. Save me a waltz?’

  ‘My card shall be marked with your name. Now, come on, Josh. There’ll be a test on all these names later.’

  She thought she had handled that very well. Or perhaps Josh had handled it well.

  The next person they met was Enid Sharpe, the district nurse who job-shared with Jane. It just so happened that she’d treated a much younger Josh, and could even remember him.

  ‘You bent me over your knee and stuck a needle in my bottom,’ Josh accused. ‘However will you be able to treat me as a doctor with that in your mind?’

  ‘I also remember you as a St John Ambulance cadet. I thought when I saw you working then that you’d the makings of a really good nurse. But you let me down and became a doctor. You’ll enjoy it here.’

  Lyn was enjoying herself now. She had met Adam, with no problems on either side. Later on perhaps she’d be able to join him. But for now …

  Behind her there was a long fanfare. The band was starting to play and to considerable applause Jane and Cal took the floor first. After a while other couples joined them. Hesitantly, Josh said, ‘Would you like to dance Lyn?’ She agreed.

  He was a good dancer and a pleasant young man. As they circled the floor she saw Adam looking her way and she thought – she hoped – he looked understanding. The second time she saw him he was dancing with Eunice Padgett.

  They left the floor. Josh asked her if she’d like to dance again. ‘Or is there someone you’d rather dance with?’ he asked. ‘Someone special?’

  This was too accurate. ‘No one at all,’ she assured him, and they danced a second time. However, halfway through the dance they heard a female voice call. ‘Good Lord, it’s Josh – Josh Harrison. Josh, what are you doing here?’

  They were confronted by a young couple who had known Josh at school. There seemed to be no point on carrying on dancing so they went in a group to the side of the floor where they met even more people. Apparently they all knew Josh from school days and were glad to see him rejoining them.

  ‘You seem to be with a group now,’ Lyn said to him, ‘and you’ve met most of the practice members. I’ll leave you to it, then.’ And she slipped away. Perhaps she could have a dance – perhaps just one – with Adam. She had seen him over by the far corner and …

  ‘It’s the gorgeous midwife Lyn! Come and dance with me, Lyn, and we’ll see if we can win a spot prize.’

  Before she could make her way over to where she thought Adam was, she was grabbed by Dr Jeff Standish. She knew Jeff quite well. He was the senior partner in a practice a few miles away and the two practices often worked together.

  As usual on social occasions, Jeff was slightly drunk and entirely happy. They had a couple of noisy and not too unpleasant dances, and then Lyn was dragged back to the table where the rest of Jeff’s practice was sitting. She was made very welcome there. Someone brought her a drink and she realised that if she wished she could spend the rest of the evening with the group.

  It might be a good idea to stay with them. If she danced once with Adam then she’d want to dance again. Something in their body language was certain to alert other people. There’d be gossip and … she realised that she didn’t care about the gossip. What was worse was the way she’d feel. She might weaken – as she had weakened on the cruiser. Yes, she’d keep her distance from Adam this way. It would hurt – but it was what was necessary.

  She had a dance with another member of Jeff’s group and when she returned she accepted another drink. Casually she glanced round the now full marquee. As expected, it was a successful party; it was easy to see that people were enjoying themselves.

  And then she saw Adam. He was with a group, chatting politely, and she saw him glance her way.

  Their eyes met. There was such misery in his expression that she knew at once what she had to do.

  ‘I’ve been here long enough,’ she said cheerfully. ‘I must circulate. Hope to catch you all later.’ And then, in spite of protests, she left and walked directly towards Adam.

  She saw him looking at her as she approached, his face assessing, curious but half-pleased. He detached himself from the group and walked towards her so they could meet alone.

  ‘I just had to come to you,’ she said. ‘I couldn’t help myself and I’m sorry. I intended to keep a distance between us, but I can’t and that’s just terrible.’

  ‘There’s a table just outside,’ he said. ‘Come and sit down.’

  There were other people in the garden so no one thought it strange that they should be, too. He led her to a garden seat, where they could sit in the moonlight, hear the music from the marquee but not be disturbed.

  Under cover of the table he reached out and stroked her arm. She hadn’t realised how such a simple caress could bring so much pleasure.

  ‘You’re with me now,’ he said, ‘and we have plenty of time. I want you to know that just sitting with you brings me so much pleasure. For now I don’t want anything from you, no promises about the future, no plans about what we might do. I just want to be with you. Now, sit here for a while and, so that people won’t talk, in a moment we’ll go back inside and dance.’

  ‘You’re saying what I was telling myself. Why should I care what people think?’

  ‘You care because they’re your friends. Shall I fetch you a drink?’

  ‘I’d rather you stayed here with me. We can get a drink in a minute.’

  ‘As you wish.’

  Lyn reached out and took his hand. No one could see now. And as she held it she wondered why she was so agitated. Probably it was because she knew she had caused him pain. And she, who had suffered so much pain, didn’t want to cause it in anyone else.

  ‘That new registrar, Josh Harrison, seems quite a pleasant chap,’ Adam said. ‘I think he should be an asset to the practice.’

  It was what she wanted. A nice, safe, non-controversial topic. ‘He’s from round here originally,’ she said. ‘At the moment he’s with a group of old friends. He’s going to fit in well.’

  ‘I heard he trained in Liverpool. I know a couple of people there, they’re doing some good work on Alzheimer’s.’

  They talked further about medical matters and slowly her heart returned to its normal pace and she felt more at peace.

  ‘I’d like to dance now,’ she said. ‘I want people to see my new dress and to see me with the best-looking man in the room.’

  ‘Then you must dance with Cal. I’ve never seen a man look happier, and because he’s happy he looks good.’

  Lyn thought about that. ‘I know what you mean. It’s working for Jane, too. But right now it’s you I want to dance with.’

  So they danced. She should have known Adam would be an expert dancer. Or perhaps he wasn’t expert, perhaps it was just that she found it so easy to guess how he was going to move next. Whatever it was, she loved being in his arms. And as they walked off the floor they were waylaid by Jane and Cal.

  ‘He’s going to make an honest woman of me at last,’ Jane said cheerfully. ‘Look, I’ve got my ring back. It’s been at the
jeweller’s, being altered to fit me.’ She showed it to them, bright, sparkling, on her left hand.

  ‘It’s beautiful,’ said Lyn honestly, and then went on, she couldn’t help herself, ‘It’s an antique, isn’t it? A cabochon sapphire?’

  She looked up to see Adam looking at her thoughtfully, and she knew he had picked up something from her tone. But happily neither Jane nor Cal had.

  ‘That’s right,’ said Jane, ‘and I love it.’

  ‘So you’d recommend getting married?’ Adam asked cheerfully.

  ‘It’s wonderful,’ Jane said, ‘I’ve opened a file on my computer and started planning already.’

  ‘It’s very hard work,’ Cal said, and then added when Jane had playfully hit him, ‘But I really enjoy it.’

  Another couple came up to congratulate the pair, and Lyn and Adam walked away.

  ‘Happy, aren’t they?’ Adam said. ‘It makes me happy to look at them. And slightly envious, too. They knew what they wanted and they’ve both gone for it.’

  ‘Are you trying to hint at something?’

  He beamed at her. ‘Would I do a thing like that? Certainly not. Let’s join the queue and get something to eat.‘ So they did, taking plates of food to a table.

  To Lyn’s surprise she discovered that she was hungry. Perhaps emotion took energy and so she wanted to eat.

  ‘You can tell me something if you want,’ he said – when they had both eaten enough, ‘but you don’t have to and I won’t pry.’

  ‘You can only ask,’ said Lyn.

  ‘When you saw Jane’s ring. You knew at once that it was a cabochon sapphire. Is that the kind of thing that all women know?’

  After a moment’s silence she said, ‘Some do, some don’t. I knew because my engagement ring was a cabochon sapphire. The two are a little alike.’ She lifted her hand, showed him her ring finger. ‘I don’t wear it now, it gets in the way. I just wear my wedding ring.’

  ‘So you recognised the similarity.’ His voice was gentle. ‘It must have taken you back to a happier time. How did you feel?’

  Lyn looked past him, out of the open marquee entrance to the darkened gardens beyond. Was this the time for complete honesty? Or should she pretend? That might be easier. But she found she couldn’t deceive him.

  ‘For nearly all of the past three years it would have upset me. It would have reminded me of Michael, of getting engaged to him, marrying him, living with him. The wonderful time we had together. But not now. It was good but now it has passed.’

  Adam nodded. ‘I think I see. So you were surprised yourself that you didn’t feel so bad?’

  ‘Yes, I was a bit surprised. But you have to look forward. There was a past, now there is a future. Though what it holds I don’t know.’

  He touched her arms again, she liked it. He said, ‘You have your life in front of you and there’s no need to hurry it. I hope that I can … can help in some way.’

  She laughed. ‘I think you’ve already done that. In what my old headmistress would call “a very real fashion”.’ Then, even though it was dark, once again she blushed.

  ‘A very enjoyable fashion,’ he said. ‘But you know you mean much more to me than that. It’s quite a warm evening for this time of year, shall we go for a walk?’

  ‘OK, just let me get my wrap.’

  When she returned he took her arm and they strolled out of the marquee and into the garden. Others were doing the same as it was a hot night. But soon they were lost in the shrubbery and no one was near.

  He stopped and put his arm round her waist, she rested her head on his shoulder. He felt big and warm and comforting. ‘You’ve been honest with me,’ he said. ‘I’ll be the same with you. When I thought you were deliberately ignoring me this evening, I felt worse than I’d ever felt in my life. No woman ever has affected me like you have. I just didn’t know how I could cope. And it’s not like me to admit to a weakness.’

  ‘It’s not a weakness,’ she protested. ‘It makes you a real, a more lovable person. I get fed up with these macho men who won’t admit to their feelings. You think that if they don’t show their feelings then perhaps they don’t have them.’

  ‘Possibly,’ he said.

  With a slight feeling of panic she realised she’d talked herself into a corner. ‘But there has to be some distance between us,’ she said. ‘We’ve agreed there has to be that.’

  ‘No, we haven’t. You’ve stipulated it, I’ve had to go along with it. And you still haven’t told me why we have to keep apart. You must know that we … that I … have a regard for you.’

  For a moment she was tempted to tell him about the letter. But she daren’t. She knew what his instant reaction would be, knew that he would protest that it didn’t matter. And she just could not rob him of the chance of having children.

  So she temporised. ‘I’m afraid,’ she said.

  He kissed her gently on the cheek. ‘That’s understandable,’ he said. ‘Let’s go back to the party, enjoy the evening together and there’ll be no more tough talking.’

  Then she felt worse.

  Lyn had arranged to stay the night at Cal’s house as she was going to look after Helen and put her to bed. When they returned to the party Lyn looked out for her little charge, who was showing distinct signs of fatigue.

  ‘I’m going to have to take this young lady away in ten minutes,’ she told Adam, ‘it’s nearly bath and bedtime for her. You don’t mind do you?’

  ‘Perhaps it’s a good thing,’ Adam said. ‘But I do feel that things between us have progressed. We’ll get there in the end.’

  She didn’t ask him what he’d meant by that. Perhaps it was a good thing if she didn’t know.

  Chapter Eight

  Helen had often stayed with Lyn in the past, and the two were old friends. Regretfully Lyn changed out of her red dress into a serviceable T-shirt and shorts and then bathed and read a story to the little girl. Helen had had a wonderful time and thought she would never get to sleep. But soon the little eyes closed and Lyn was left silent, sitting on the side of the bed.

  She looked down at the perfect features, curled a strand of hair round her fingers. What was it really like to have, to bring up a baby? If she could feel this love for her friends’ little girl, what would she have felt for a child of her own?

  As a midwife she had learned to respond to the delight in a mother’s face when first she saw her baby. It was one of the things that made being a midwife worthwhile, one of the joys of the job. Would she ever feel that joy herself?

  Whenever it was possible, she liked to have the husband – or partner – present at the birth. It helped the mother, it made the father more fully a member of the family. And quite often there was joy on even the most hardened man’s face when he saw his newborn child. She had seen tough farmers weep with happiness when she presented them with a scrap of humanity wrapped in a blanket.

  She thought that Adam might weep, too. How could she deny him that happiness?

  Lyn went to the window and peered out from behind the curtain. The party was ending now. She wondered if she might catch a glimpse of Adam, but he was nowhere to be seen. How she wished she could tell him everything, explain how she loved him but that they couldn’t get married because she could never bear him the children he so much wanted. It just wasn’t possible.

  Lyn went straight to work next morning but when she dropped in at home at lunchtime there was a message on her answering machine. Emma, Adam’s sister, had called. Emma sounded happy, carefree, said that this wasn’t a serious message but could Lyn ring her back? Lyn wondered for a minute, then did so.

  ‘How was last night?’ Emma asked first. ‘Adam’s been talking about it for days. Anyone would think he’d never been to an engagement party before.’

  ‘He was the best-looking man there,’ Lyn said softly. ‘We both had a wonderful time. In fact, everyone did.’

  ‘I’m so glad. So you spent the evening with him?’

  ‘Well, most of it.�
� Lyn was cautious.

  ‘Good. We’ve been invited up to see the cottage and meet Cal and Jane. The kids are looking forward to it, but Adam says he’s pretty busy right now and we’ll come when things are a bit more settled.’

  ‘Looking forward to seeing you,’ said Lyn.

  ‘Yes, me too.’ Lyn thought that Emma sounded hesitant, as if unsure what to say next. Then Emma went on, ‘Look, Lyn, this isn’t my business and Adam would be howling mad if he knew I was interfering. But he’s still my little brother. You know we were brought up in St Mark’s?’

  ‘Yes, he had told me.’

  ‘Well, the staff did their best but when we first went there we just didn’t know where our parents had gone and things were hard for us. I cried every night, Adam never would. It would have been good for him, ’cos he suffered so much and only I know it.’

  ‘He was so lucky to have you,’ Lyn said, her voice hoarse.

  ‘We had each other. We got through things and now we’re happy.’

  Lyn thought she could hear a tremor in Emma’s voice. Emma went on, ‘Adam phones us a couple of times a week and we chat about this and that. He sounds happy, he’s now a doctor, a big man, confident in what he does and really enjoying this new job. But when he talks to me sometimes I think I can hear that little boy’s voice again. He’s hurting.’

  Lyn leaned back in her chair and in desperation rubbed her forehead with her free hard. She didn’t know what to say. ‘I … I like him a lot,’ she mumbled. ‘We get on well together, there’s no man I’d rather … but I’m worried that … Emma, I wouldn’t deliberately cause him pain!’

  ‘I know that, Lyn,’ Emma said gently. ‘You’re obviously a nice person. We all thought Adam was so lucky when he brought you to see us. I just wanted to let you know that if there’s any way I can help, then I will. Hope to see you soon and the kids send their love. Bye.’ And she rang off.

  Lyn sat there, unable to move. Emma’s words had hurt her more than she liked to admit. The thought of the suffering of that little boy – he must carry it still with him. Had she been unfair to him? But she couldn’t think of anything she could do.