Jill’s problem had its origin several months earlier when she had taken a liking to an upperclassman she met at a sorority-fraternity exchange. She had dutifully joined one of the Greek sororities at the beginning of her freshman year on the advice of both her father and mother. They suggested that sorority membership would broaden her social horizons and that it would aid her immeasurably as she attempted to find her niche in campus life. After all, this was the path Jill’s mother had taken many years before. For her it had provided entry to an inner circle of important people, giving her a good start up the social ladder towards the life of prominence she came to value so very much.
The dizzying relationship that grew out of Jill’s flirtatious efforts seemed to offer great promise at the outset. There were many dates and phone calls, as well as a display of affection that both gratified and disarmed her. Things moved rapidly in the ensuing weeks, but Jill was reluctant to discuss these developments with her parents. In fact she felt real reluctance to discuss personal things with them at all. There was always much telling and little listening on their part. She knew that disclosing her romantic involvement would surely bring criticism. Evelyn and Julian Fairclough felt that serious courtships should be postponed until maturity, in all its dimensions, made marriage a “next logical step.” They felt that there was a time and season for marriage, and that youthful inexperience and novice social standing were decidedly not compatible with well-orchestrated and advantageous marriages!
Soon Jill’s budding romance, with its urgent passions, brought her into the throes of personal conflict. Though socially avant-garde, Jill’s parents had always spoken reproachfully of premarital liberties. They were prominent, practicing Catholics and were firmly opposed to the “new morality” that had come into vogue in recent years. Evelyn and Julian Fairclough prided themselves in their inflexibility when it came to accepting the call of many for sexual liberation.
Although these expectations had been inculcated into Jill’s mind throughout her teenage years, her resistance began to crumble as physical advances became a dominant part of the relationship that had won her heart. Then, amidst the fire of ardent desire, her pursuer dropped her as suddenly as he had initiated their relationship. Jill assumed that her continual resistance to “inappropriate things” had become such an annoyance to him that his ardor had cooled, only to be lavished upon someone else who was less prudish.
Jill was heartbroken! Her loss became even more unbearable when she discovered that a sorority sister whom she regarded as one of her best friends had assumed her place of romantic importance. A few more years of maturity might have given Jill the wisdom to handle the setback without deriding herself for being a “cold fish,” but for her, an insecure freshman removed from high school days by less than a year, there were brutal self-recriminations.
As usual, Jill poured her heart out to Tony, who was most willing to provide a listening ear. The platonic nature of their relationship made him a trusted listener in her mind. She supposed that her relationship with Tony was immune to normal courtship dynamics. But in Tony’s sincere efforts to comfort Jill, there was the kind of physical contact on one occasion that sparked a surprising new twist in their relationship. Innocent at first, intimate contact soon became charged with passion. To complicate matters, there was something about the feelings of rejection still plaguing Jill that made her unusually vulnerable. There may have been a need for her to prove something to herself or about herself that made things she had once resisted now seem acceptable and, for the moment, important. Without thinking about what was happening she was swept away in the crescendo of the experience, only to fall into self-loathing as she realized that her attempt to assuage feelings of inadequacy had involved a remedy worse than the malady.
Now Jill withdrew from Tony, resisting the emotional commitment that naturally attends intimate expression. She did not love him nor did she want to feel obligated to love him. What had once been a warm, enduring friendship now became cool, guarded, and formal. Reluctantly, Tony adapted to the new ground rules between them, continuing to be patient as he had been for so long. His sustained hopes had been briefly fulfilled in a moment of unanticipated intimate expression, and he would wait, hoping for some future turn of circumstances that might still give her to him permanently. Though he sensed this prospect to be highly unlikely, he could not bring himself to turn away from her.
Tony continued to look forward to seeing Jill in the class they were taking together – General Psychology. The class was very large because of its popularity with students. Always alive with controversy and spirited criticism of traditional values, Dr. Kirkham’s lectures were sprinkled with irreverent humor. At times there were dark and cynical elements in his presentations that fearlessly and contemptuously spoke of mainstream norms or political programs he considered to be hypocritical. With verbal pyrotechnics he railed against the Viet Nam War – passionately called for aggressive approaches to population control – and campaigned for the ending of legal restraints against abortion.
In this same vein he spoke of social sanctions against free sexual expression: “They are threadbare ‘hand-me-downs’ from the Victorian era,” he said. “A caveat against people’s ability to freely choose how and when they express their love is tantamount to an illegitimate restraint of human nature. This kind of unwarranted social control brings the rigid religious expectations of a few into the center of secular life where they have never belonged. If a handful of believers are willing to submit to the abrogation of their rights and make themselves religious zealots in the definition of right and wrong, let them do so. But in the name of reason and personal freedom, let all others remain unintimidated as they create a new morality of responsible choice and mature mutual consent.”
Throughout the semester such polemics had regularly found their way into presentations that commenced on the same footing with conventional Psych 101 classes, and then rapidly became a conceptual roller coaster ride for teacher and student. Among the “hot buttons” that set Dr. Kirkham off was continuing legal sanctions against the recreational use of psychedelic drugs. He likened the laws against the use of marijuana to the legal blindness of the Prohibition era and called for a libertarian approach to the issue. “These are personal choices,” he said. “Let’s leave such decisions in the hands of the individuals involved rather than the state.”
This intertwining of college course material and social comment had not been without its effect upon Jill as she examined her own values, but the controversial presentations became even more relevant to Jill when she discovered that she was expecting a baby. Unexpectedly she began to reluctantly open her mind to the possibility of having an abortion. The revelation of Jill’s pregnancy brought Tony a certain satisfaction. Unlike Jill, who felt that her life had suddenly spun out of control, he was gratified in the feeling that he had become part of her inner life in a more intimate way. He assumed full responsibility for the mishap and willingly assumed the role of protector, showing earnest concern for her welfare. He openly professed his love for her and cautiously suggested that she consider a marriage of necessity.
But there was no reciprocity on her part. And despite Tony’s hopeful anticipations, it soon became apparent to him that marriage was not an option at present. He tried to comfort Jill as she agonized over the devastating consequences of her condition. The sexual revolution that would shortly sweep the country was still in its early stages, and for a family of high status in the social strata of Southern California, known for their conservative sentiments regarding contested moral values, the birth of a child out of wedlock would be irony to the extreme.
Even though Jill had never experienced a loving relationship with her father, she feared his scorn. And then there were the privileges of family status and fortune. These were obviously at stake, as was the approval of the many important people who associated her with her father’s name. She feared the social humiliation that would surely come as her indiscretion became
a matter of society banter and juicy gossip.
Insecure in her own self-perception and fearful of the coming crisis, Jill had searched in vain for an escape – any kind of escape. In earlier years she had passively acknowledged her father’s strong stance against abortion. But now his position was of immediate, personal concern. His reputation as an anti-abortion spokesman had been enhanced in the public mind by courtroom successes wherein he had represented litigants in malpractice suits against physicians who had performed illegal abortions. In these civil suits Julian convinced juries that his female clients had suffered severe emotional trauma as well as physical harm in consequence of unethical and incompetent services. The judgments involved had brought enormous financial settlements to the aggrieved parties.
For Jill, the situation rapidly became a catch-22 dilemma. She could not face the prospect of being the Fairclough daughter who had given birth to an illegitimate child, nor could she accept the possibility of a forced marriage to Tony. Though having an abortion did offer an alternative, she cringed at the thought. It not only struck fear into her, but it also plunged her into spiritual conflict with herself. She knew the arguments against abortion; she had heard them repeatedly in her own home. Although she had never felt strongly about the issues in the past, now she was compelled to ask herself what she really believed. This she did over and over again, finding it impossible to override her reservations. Each time she began the process of self-justification a sense of loathing and abhorrence swept over her.
Such were Jill’s feelings of inner turmoil as she waited outside Dr. Kirkham’s office. Finally the door opened and Paul emerged. Smiling with reassurance he extended his hand. “Miss Fairclough, I’ve looked forward to getting better acquainted with you,” he said warmly. “I’ve had my eye on the two of you in class. You’ve done pretty well at staying awake, I’d say.”
Jill smiled in return. “You’ve never given a boring lecture yet.”
“What year in school are you?” asked Paul, obviously referring to Tony as well as Jill.
“We’re both freshmen,” replied Tony.
“And what brings the two of you to San Diego State?”
“We both live in the San Diego area,” said Jill, “no particular reason for coming to San Diego State other than that.”
“It’s a family thing for me,” added Tony. “My folks were both students here.”
“I’d be interested to know what brought the two of you into my general psychology class, but that’s a discussion all of its own. Why don’t you and I get started, Miss Fairclough?”
Jill glanced self-consciously at Tony as she stood.
“Did you want Mr. Ballard, here, to come along?”
There was a hint of discomfort in Jill’s answer. “No, I guess that’s not necessary.”
Paul gestured towards his office door which stood ajar and Jill followed his lead, wondering how she would manage to reveal an intimate chapter of her life to the scrutiny of a stranger. Paul’s office was small but tastefully appointed. The floor was covered with a soft gray carpet and bookcases lined two of the four walls. A large vase with beautifully crafted artificial flowers stood in one corner of the room, and knickknacks, statuary, and a variety of memorabilia had been carefully set in place about the office. A cluster of framed nature photographs, together with diplomas and assorted wall hangings, covered another of the walls. Paul’s desk was made of chrome and mahogany, as were the upholstered chairs. He pointed to one of the chairs and Jill seated herself, still feeling uneasy.
Avoiding undo formality, Paul chose not to sit at his desk but drew a side chair near to Jill. His bearing was casual and his speech was entirely conversational, not nearly so animated as Jill remembered him in his classroom presentations.
“Miss Fairclough, I don’t know why you’ve come to see me, but I’ve never yet encountered a student who didn’t have some apprehension about visiting privately with a teacher. Let me assure you that you are safe here. Whether you have a question about something I said in class or are in need of some personal advice, just know that you don’t need to worry about impressing me or avoiding my criticism – there will be none of that. Now, why don’t you tell me what’s on your mind?”
Both Paul’s manner and his words were reassuring to Jill. She began haltingly and cautiously, but gradually her reserve gave way and she began to speak openly about the problem she had discussed with no one other than Tony. She outlined her recently failed courtship and the emotional emptiness it had precipitated. She spoke of her long-standing friendship with Tony which, with one accidental exception, had been without amorous aspect on her part. With less difficulty than she had anticipated, she spoke of the unexpected pregnancy. There was also discussion of her family’s high social profile, their religious moorings, and her father’s vigorous opposition to abortion.
Paul listened intently, interrupting only to ask an occasional question or to bring clarity to Jill’s explanation. His interest, even his questions, increased her confidence in him until she was speaking with the kind of trust that is uncommon in such newly established relationships. As Jill’s narrative began to wane it became apparent that she had made her concerns transparent and was now hoping for guidance in the impossible choice that lay before her.
“You mentioned that you had considered the possibility of an abortion. Are you emotionally capable of taking that step?” Paul asked.
Jill agonized. “I’m not sure … I …” Her voice trailed off.
“And if there were no bad consequences?”
Jill’s brow wrinkled. “Is that possible?” she asked, searching Paul’s face for reassurance.
“That is a very private choice, is it not?”
“It is, but …”
“But what?”
“It would be taking the baby’s life,” she said tremulously.
“Even the experts don’t agree on that one.”
“But it just seems hideous to me.”
“And that’s important, Jill. It’s probably one of the most important things you’ve said here today. Remember that the issue here is just this: What would that step mean to you, personally? But let’s come back to your comment that an abortion seems like a hideous choice. Why do you feel that way? Is it because of social stigma? Is it because of things you have been taught, and if so, have you personally thought these things through for yourself?”
“It just feels wrong, that’s all.”
“Yes, it may well be wrong for some people.”
“But why would it be wrong for some and not for others?”
“Is abortion wrong if it saves a mother’s life? Is it wrong if she does it to save her life from ruin? Is it wrong if she does it to reclaim a place of worth that will allow her to marry whom she wishes or to become a mother when she chooses to be a mother? On the other hand, we might also ask: Is it wrong if a woman’s conscience is so demanding that going through with an abortion would render her emotionally unstable for years to come? Probably so. Do you see what I’m getting at?”
“And what is it that causes some people to have a demanding conscience?”
“You have to understand what conscience is and the way it works, Jill. In reality it is the sum and total of what you have been taught about right and wrong. If that teaching has been rigid or demanding … well, you see my point.”
“But aren’t some things right or wrong for everybody?”
“There is no rule or law that can apply to all people in all possible circumstances, Jill. It’s true that there have to be rules in all societies, otherwise people would take what they want from life at other people’s expense. And for these rules to be established there must also be some recognized authority to enforce them. This is the role religion and governments fill. But as civilizations evolve and individuals mature there comes a point where personal responsibility and social conscience replace the need for rigid laws or strict enforcement of standards.”
“What do you mean by personal respon
sibility and social conscience?”
“It’s simply a matter of people honestly asking themselves how they can solve their problems in a way that will enrich their lives and enable them to contribute to society without hurting anybody else in the process. But it is extremely difficult for some people to do that.”
“And why is that?”
“Because it sometimes requires that they set aside what they have been taught or what they have been made to believe. Jill, I do not wish to impose my own thinking upon you, but I must say in all good conscience, that if you have been made to believe that having an abortion would rob you of personal value or make you a scarred individual for the rest of our life – if you have been convinced that in taking a step to reclaim your life you would be left an irresolute sinner, then you have been subjected to a great injustice. On the other hand, if you really believe that kind of rot and cannot divest yourself of it, then by no means should you go through with an abortion.”
Jill spoke timidly, almost apologetically, “But what about God?”
“Are you certain of God’s existence? And if so, are you certain that he would not allow you to make your own decision in this matter? But Jill, if you are really convinced that God does not want you to take this course, then by no means should you do it. I would plead with you, however, that you not be unduly influenced by fear in all of this. Fear of the unknown is typically groundless. Like superstition, it hovers overhead as a dark cloud. That kind of anxiety can only be dismissed by a firm decision to move forward despite the uncertainties involved.”
There were more questions and answers, more skillfully given counsel with the intent of enabling Jill to do what she obviously wished to do. And then Paul brought the discussion to its crucial focus. “But now let’s turn again to the critical question, Jill: Has all of this talk helped? Are you any closer to a decision?”
Braided Gold Page 4
