“Oh, but of course. On top of that I could put on a real show for you, complete with my German impersonation.”
“Now you’ve really got me curious.”
With delight Paul provided an animated explanation. “I was down there a couple of years ago and came across an impressive briefcase. It was made of hand-tooled leather – beautiful workmanship. I decided I wanted it, but knew that things like that could get expensive, even in Tijuana. On an impulse I decided to be a little devious in my approach. I’d developed a working knowledge of German during my doctoral studies at the University of Michigan. Most of the vendors in Tijuana barely have a working knowledge of English, let alone German. They memorize all those key phrases that are necessary to make a sale, but when it comes to dealing with a customer who speaks neither English nor Spanish it throws them off balance.
“Well, anyway, I walked up to this little fellow and began to speak German with him, pointing to the briefcase on display. It was a hodgepodge of words and phrases I had learned that would have been meaningless to someone who spoke fluent German, but I made the rendition sound conversational. When the vender could see that English wouldn’t work he reverted to Spanish and it soon became communication by means of gestures and facial expressions between the two of us. Before we’d started haggling I had taken all of the money out of my wallet with the exception of two ten-dollar bills. Then in the middle of our hit-and-miss dickering, I pulled out my wallet and opened it so that he could see that the two bills were all I had, and handed him one of the tens. This was a fraction of his asking price and immediately he went off like a Roman candle. I pretended dismay and just kept shrugging my shoulders as if I didn’t know what he wanted. That’s when I stuck the bill back in my wallet and started to leave. That always brings negotiations to a head. He poured out a stream of Spanish and pointed again at the wallet. I opened it up and he held up two fingers, then pointed at the two bills. I gave him a scowl, making it clear that I felt he was asking for the impossible and he began moving his hands in a way that indicated there was no deal unless he got both bills. In the end I handed them to him and took the briefcase. It was highway robbery, but of course, ‘business is business.’”
Claire laughed, and added, “I had no idea you were such a shrewd operator in the world of high finance.” Their conversation continued to meander on through a variety of topics in a light-hearted vein until they gradually emerged from the heavy downtown traffic and began to move along Interstate 8 towards the campus. It had been a delightful evening for both of them, and as Paul pulled into a parking space near Claire’s apartment complex she turned with a smile, and hearkening back to their dinner earlier in the evening said, “I’ll provide the dessert we missed earlier tonight if you’d like to come in for a few minutes.” She was referring to the waiter’s description of high-calorie dessert specialty and her response, “I’m afraid I’m stuffed; I really couldn’t eat a thing more.” As Paul shut off the car ignition she continued, making her invitation irresistible, “I do have some exotic gourmet ice cream in the freezer if you’re interested.”
Claire was good at her word, and later as the two sat at her kitchen table finishing off ice cream sundaes rivaling anything that could be ordered in the most sinful of ice cream parlors, their conversation gradually shifted to more serious things. At length they moved into the living room where Claire began a careful response to a question Paul had asked regarding her decision to leave the nursing profession.
“I don’t know whether I dare do this,” she said. “My private anxieties might raise the eyebrows of a psychologist. I have the impression that psychologists write case studies about people like me.”
Paul responded warmly. “You may have faced some challenges in your life, Claire, but you’re about as well-adjusted as any woman I’ve ever met. Sometimes personal difficulties foster your kind of personality strength.”
“It’s really a very long story,” she said, again displaying reluctance to speak of private things. “Maybe we should defer this to another time.”
“The night is young, and I am really very interested … unless it’s inappropriate for me to ask.”
Without further sidestepping of Paul’s question, Claire launched into a discussion of her childhood, the solidarity of her family relationships, and her deep love for her father. “He was the quintessential optimist,” she said. “He just refused to let people or things get him down. Early on in his marriage to my mother he took a night job on a factory floor as a means of getting through school. He had been in his second year of college when they married. One night, while driving a forklift with a load of canned goods stacked on a wooden pallet, there was a serious accident. Several of the pallets had been stacked improperly earlier in the day and when my father deposited the load he was carrying, a wall of heavy boxes came tumbling down on him.
“The forklift tipped over and he was pinned beneath the machinery and debris. He was trapped there in those difficult circumstances for several hours until a night watchman found him. My father was lucky to have escaped with his life.
“When they got him to the hospital there was emergency surgery and his leg had to be amputated. But despite the unhappy development he recovered fully and was later fitted with a prosthesis. I never knew him any other way than with that artificial leg. He made it just seem natural. We went hiking and swimming as a family. We all knew that he was just determined to live a normal life.
“Somehow he and I became very close. I can still remember going to the beach with him as a little girl. It never occurred to me that I might have been embarrassed about his prosthesis. I was terribly proud of him. He had set his heart on being a teacher and when he finished school he accepted a position in a high school in Pasadena, California. Later on we moved to Santa Monica where he took on responsibilities as a high school principal. My being a student at that very school provided a wonderful boost to my self-confidence. The night I graduated the president of the school board insisted that my father personally present me with my diploma. As he handed it to me he took me in his arms and hugged me, and the whole audience burst into applause.”
Claire went on to speak of her days in the nursing program at UCLA and the personal idealism she had felt during that chapter of her life. “I had the altruism of a Florence Nightingale,” she said, “and was very eager to do my practicum. Surprisingly, I found time to fall in love in the midst of those busy days. There must be something about the Duncan genes that make it impossible to do things halfway, and the night Curtis presented me with an engagement ring I gave my heart to him without reservation. We discussed the future and planned on being married as soon as I completed my nursing program. But that summer as the wedding approached, some tragic circumstances developed.
“My family had planned a vacation to Yosemite. It was to be a time when all of us could be together one last time before my marriage would revamp our family relationships. We had made hotel reservations and were finalizing an itinerary when Curtis asked me if I would be willing to alter my plans so as to spend time with his family. They had scheduled a reunion in Anaheim, California, during the same time frame. It was to be a big event for both his immediate and extended family with lots of time scheduled at Disneyland and Knott’s Berry Farm. The reunion had been in the planning stages for a couple of years. Some family members were coming from great distances and would not be able to return for the wedding at the end of the summer. Curtis said it would mean a great deal to his family for me be there to get acquainted with everybody.
“When he could see I was struggling with the decision he made a loyalty issue out of the whole thing. Even though the matter did cause a bit of a rift in our relationship, I ended up deciding that I was being selfish and broached the subject with my parents. As always they were supportive and encouraged me to accept the invitation from Curtis. With some of her homespun wisdom my mother added, ‘You’re not just marrying him, you’re marrying his family as well. They’ll remember that
you made the effort to be there, just like they would remember if you gave the impression that their invitation was unimportant to you. Finally the day came and I said good-bye to my family as they set out for Yosemite.”
Claire now paused in her narrative and her emotions came to the surface. “It was my last sight of them alive.” Despite her taut feelings and the knot in her stomach, she pressed on with her explanation. “A day or so later I left for the reunion. It was in Anaheim that I received word of a horrible automobile accident. It involved a head-on collision with a drunken driver. His car had apparently skidded across the highway divider before striking the station wagon carrying my family. The car rolled over twice, then burst into flames – my father and mother, as well as my four brothers and sisters all lost their lives.” And now Claire’s emotions did get the best of her. She put her hand to her eyes and wept, her tears staining the beautiful red dress she was wearing.
From what little Claire had told Paul about her relationship with her family, he sensed that this must have been an incalculable loss for her. Gently he put his arm around her shoulders and drew her to him. Her response evidenced her great need for comfort. There was grief within her that had never been resolved and pain that had never been assuaged. She leaned against Paul and wept quietly. Somehow he managed to get a handkerchief from his back pocket, which he placed in her hand. Taking it gratefully, she dabbed at her eyes.
Time passed in silence until Claire sat up with some embarrassment saying, “I’m sorry, Paul. I didn’t mean to do this. I keep telling myself I should be tough enough to handle whatever life dishes out to me, but sometimes I just feel so very much alone.”
Paul, who had been sobered by her story and tender feelings, responded kindly. “I think you’re handling life incredibly well. Maybe you’ve handled it too well. There’s always danger when we fail to acknowledge the reality of great pain. Shutting it off too soon can prolong the healing process.”
Claire could not know that Paul’s words were addressed as much to himself as to her. For Paul, this was a moment of truth and he sensed that at some point he would need to confront the dark memories and unresolved mourning he had pushed back out of the stream of his conscious thoughts where they had festered and taken an enormous toll in his life. In a way, these memories were like an emotional abscess beneath the superficialities of his life, sapping his spiritual and emotional vitality. And as the abscess must be cut open and the poison drained away to protect life, there was a comparable need in Paul’s life, although he failed to perceive it fully.
Claire, feeling some compulsion to complete her story, continued haltingly. “I don’t know how I ever managed to complete my studies at UCLA. Perhaps the grueling schedule and relentless academic demands were a blessing. I was forced to deal with things that had to be done. All of that helped me to survive emotionally, but my private moments were a torture chamber. My feelings for Curtis were numbed and I asked him for some time. We rescheduled the wedding and the clock began to tick away, everybody and everything waiting upon me and my ability to put my life back together. Following graduation I took a job as a nurse at The UCLA Medical Center and threw myself into my work.
“But one Saturday afternoon life delivered me another bombshell. I received a phone call from a girl by the name of Sonia. She said she had something urgent to discuss with me, and I agreed to meet with her. The following day she came to my apartment. She was a beautiful but hapless girl, trying to make a life for herself without an education, financial means, or family support.”
There was bitterness in Claire’s voice as she continued, “Sonia was three months pregnant. She maintained that Curtis was the father of her baby and I believed her. Obviously the child had been conceived during the period of our engagement. In all sincerity the girl said she had come to ask my forgiveness. She said she had known nothing of the engagement and that Curtis had given her reason to believe that he cared for her enough to marry her. The whole thing was a ruse on his part, and as soon as he became aware of her condition he exited the relationship, telling her that he did not believe that he was truly the father of her child.
“Although he was unaware of it, Sonia stalked Curtis for several weeks after he left her. She was distraught and couldn’t bear to be excluded from his life. It was during this time that she discovered my involvement with Curtis. She then made it her business to follow me about until she found out who I was, where I lived, and where I worked. Then, on one occasion, she noticed my engagement ring and things began to fall into place for her. Our visit together had a strange effect on both of us. Her heartache and my disbelief turned into mutual rage. If anything, I suppose, my anger was even more intense than hers. I was angry for both of us. That kind of anger is dangerous. It’s poisonous! To this day I’m not sure I’ve been able to get it all out of my system. The one redeeming aspect of it all was the compassion I felt for Sonia. I saw her as defenseless and I suppose I became her defender.
“The very evening following my visit with her I saw Curtis and confronted him about the whole thing. It sickened me to see him feign innocence and attempt to worm his way out of a difficult situation. I could not believe I had fallen in love with such a man! As for him, he continued to maintain his innocence, saying that there had been no relationship but that Sonia had made a play for him nearly a year earlier during their casual work association. He pled his case in a believable manner, claiming that he had become the object of her scorn when he rejected her romantic interest in him. With a dramatic flair he said, ‘She’s decided that if she can’t have me, then she won’t allow you to have me either.’ It was a nauseating display of duplicity.
“But he soon discovered that I was way beyond being gullible. If I ever gave a good performance with words, it was that night. I knew too many facts from Sonia and let him assume I had verified things on my own. I shot dozens of hard questions at him and there were no satisfying answers. Despite all of that he still refused to acknowledge the truth of Sonia’s accusations. It reminded me of something my father once wrote: ‘The real cowards in life hide from themselves, preferring to live life in the shadows of pretense rather than the light of truth, for they have too much to hide.’ As I managed to scrape away the veneer of his personality he became completely transparent to me. I still don’t understand how I could have loved someone so shallow in manhood.”
“And what was the outcome of your conversation with Curtis?” asked Paul.
“I returned his engagement ring that night and told him there was no future in our relationship so far as I was concerned. His response resembled that of a whipped puppy, and he said he would honor my wishes if that was the way I wanted things to be. I told him he had the picture all wrong, that I was merely allowing things to be the way he had orchestrated them himself. He, not I, had done irreparable damage to the love we had felt for each other.
“I may be from the old school of thought on these things, Paul, but I know I’m right. Simply stated, I believe that intimacy must be connected with commitment. I believe that intimacy without commitment is the worst kind of dishonesty. Sonia gave herself to Curtis because she believed he wanted her, and not just for the moment. She trusted him, she put her life in his hands, so to speak, only to discover that he really didn’t want her any more than he wanted the baby she was later carrying.
“A man who thinks like that is incapable of real love. He didn’t love Sonia, nor did he love me. It’s an ugly picture of biological selfishness masquerading as love. He might as well have openly bludgeoned her and the baby. Either you look at things this way or you have to decide that it doesn’t really matter — that intimacy is a form of entertainment with no strings attached – and I could never do that. When two people willingly make themselves disposable partners, neither of them can avoid the loss of self-respect that follows. On top of that they must deal with a fractured relationship between themselves and God.”
Suddenly it dawned on Claire how fiery her sentiments had become. “
I’m sorry about all this moralizing Paul, I’m afraid it doesn’t make very good conversation.”
“Nonsense, I’m really very interested in what you’re saying. So what happened following your confrontation?”
“I have never seen him since that night. A week or so later, parcel post brought a box from him. It contained pictures and other keepsakes from our relationship. I guess the gesture did bring a symbolic closure to things for me. But my relationship with Sonia has continued to this day. For some reason I felt a desire to correct the injustice of the circumstances. I helped her financially until several months after the baby came. From the outset I urged her to make the baby available for adoption and after a lengthy heart to heart discussion she agreed. Rather than allowing things to go through public welfare, I arranged for an attorney who was affiliated with a reputable adoption agency. The baby was placed in a good home where it would have a better chance in life than Sonia could have given it.”
Paul was struck by the depth of Claire’s feelings, as well as the strength of her personality. He, too, had intense feelings about life, yet they were rooted in a completely different, if not opposing, set of beliefs. How ironic it was that he should be attracted to her and she to him. As for Claire, she again had misgivings about having revealed so much of herself to Paul. What’s more, she had gotten so involved with the details of her past that she had never really answered the question that had prompted this lengthy diatribe regarding Curtis. Paul had asked why she chose to leave nursing and now she felt reluctance to say more – particularly on that subject. Again she spoke apologetically, “I’ve said too much. We’ll both probably regret this conversation.”
“On the contrary,” said Paul. “I appreciate being able to know these things about you. It has only deepened my respect for you. But more than that, I’m intrigued by what you’ve said – not just tonight, but each time we have visited, including that dismal exchange in Leo’s office. If I am honest with you I must acknowledge that you’re something of a curiosity to me, Claire, and I don’t say this in a critical way. You seem so confident in yourself – in your ideas, I mean. I’ve known many closed-minded people, but you don’t fit that mold. The clarity of your outlook on life reveals a kind of thinking that is impressive to me. I would like to know how you have arrived at such deep personal convictions. Where does the strength of your feelings come from and how do you sustain that strength?”
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