That evening an additional development further compounded this crisis in Paul’s life. Andrea had been undone by the problem. She felt threatened by all that had happened. These things encroached on the station she had created for herself in the eyes of so many people. And so, without diplomacy or sensitivity, she issued her own words of warning to Paul as they sat together in her immaculate living room.
“You have become an embarrassment to me, Paul. These kinds of problems must end here and now. I forbid you to bring discredit to the Kirkham name. And if you refuse to meet my expectations, I shall refuse to claim you as a son. Do you understand what that means?”
Paul stared blankly at his mother. As a matter of fact, he did not grasp the implications of what his mother had said.
“I did not want children when your father and I married, but he felt otherwise. He had a picture of family life in his head that was wonderfully idealistic. But I couldn’t warm up to his vision of things. It just wasn’t what I wanted. The subject came up again and again until it became such a source of contention that I finally relented and you came along.”
As she spoke there was intensity in Andrea’s bearing that demanded Paul’s attention. Her manner was formal and didactic, yet her eyes were so searching, her gaze so focused that she achieved penetrating intimacy. Personal conversations between her and Paul had come infrequently during Paul’s childhood, which added to the significance of these moments together. He would painfully remember what she had to say the rest of his life.
“Your father was ecstatic when you were born, and I coped with the added responsibility reasonably well. But things didn’t go as he had expected. You have never been an easy child to raise. Your stubborn nature was bewildering to him. You threw tantrums when you didn’t get what you wanted and he found it easiest to give in to you. In the end, the whole business of discipline was left to me. Whatever it was that your father expected from you as a son never materialized, and ultimately you became such a challenge to him that he gave in and admitted that he didn’t know how to deal with you. I think he was actually fearful of you. Your father is a weak man, Paul. He runs away from anything that challenges his ability. As for my feelings, I can only say that if I had anticipated the challenges you would bring to my life, you would never have been born.”
These words seemed to hammer upon Paul’s psyche with devastating power. He felt a numbing sensation engulf his senses, dismissing his value as a human being and threatening to annul his very existence.
Andrea continued, making her intent abundantly clear. “But even though I have frequently regarded your presence as a mistake, I have acknowledged the fact that you are my child. My blood runs in your veins, and I have accepted the responsibility of raising you, something your father would not do. I have provided a comfortable home for you and have seen to it that you had those things you needed. I have given you a respected name. Above all else I have given you the ability to make a mark for yourself in life – you inherited your strength from me, Paul! And now you’ve got to use that strength. You’ve got to decide what you’re going to do with your life. If you make the right choices I will support you. I can open many doors for you. And, Paul, I expect you to make the right choices. If you do not; if you continue to be an embarrassment to me I will turn my back on you! As of the day you come of age you will be on your own. You’ll have to pay your own way and make your own place. I’ll have nothing more to do with you. Do you understand me?”
Paul nodded. He understood perfectly.
These days became a line of demarcation in Paul’s life. Though he didn’t understand the emotional pain that consumed him, he fought to extricate himself from it. The sense of self-loathing that had accompanied him for years now escalated to the point that either he had to remedy it or simply choose to remain miserable. Paul was bright enough to clearly discern the differences between himself and those who had made their way to the center of life’s stage. He resolved to conform to the pattern he saw in their personalities and behavior. Throughout his sophomore year at Franklin High he threw himself into athletics. It had dawned upon him that this would be an important avenue to social acceptance. He pushed himself mercilessly, excelling to the point that he secured a place on the varsity football team as his junior year commenced. By this time he had come to his full stature physically, and a grueling personal workout schedule brought increased strength and muscle mass. His competitive nature, together with newly acquired skills, qualified him to become a valuable defensive lineman. He was also a tackle on the offensive line and repeatedly made plays that brought recognition. During his senior year he also became the team’s offensive field goal kicker.
Paul worked at cultivating an engaging personality. At first his efforts were clumsy, if not a little laughable, but he was as tenacious in this arena as he had been on the football field, and in time he began to relate to others without drawing unsavory attention to himself. His conversational skills increased enormously, as did his ability to use humor that was more good-natured and less sarcastic. In all of this, however, there was an element of pretense that supplanted genuine sincerity. There also continued to be lingering doubts regarding his identity and personal worth. Consequently he continued to hold himself somewhat aloof from others. Despite the image of confidence he came to project, there were always underlying feelings of insecurity.
The emotional distance between Andrea and Paul increased significantly during these days. While she was gratified at the discernible changes in his life, even taking pride in his achievements, she remained a cold, impassive spectator. On Paul’s part, feelings of disdain towards his mother festered within. There were moments when he saw their unwholesome relationship with clarity, realizing that he had haplessly yearned for her affection throughout his childhood when, in reality, he could never have truly secured it. He came to realize that her rejection had nothing to do with his inability to please or qualify for her approval; it was simply because she did not love him – he had been an intrusion – an inconvenience to her from the beginning. Though this painful realization ignited deep resentment and turned him away from Andrea, he could not fully rid himself of an unfulfilled yearning for her love.
The incident involving Stuart King ever remained as a haunting specter in Paul’s thoughts. He maintained contact with a friend at Bay View High who kept him apprised of Stuart’s medical progress. Although he had returned to school some four months after his initial hospitalization, there were complications that had persisted throughout the balance of the school year. It seemed that Stu’s ability to intellectually focus had been impaired. His school performance was sufficiently poor during the second half of the year as to make normal academic matriculation impossible and it became necessary for him to spend an additional year in school before he could graduate. As serious as his learning handicap had been it was believed to be transitory and his doctors did anticipate a full recovery in time.
Paul had wished for the opportunity to see Stu and somehow make amends for what had happened, but he could not bring himself to make contact. Nevertheless there was one difficult moment when circumstances brought the two boys together. It was in the midst of a football game between Franklin and Bay View during Paul’s junior year. The game was played on Bay View’s field, making the event something of a déjà vu experience for Paul – one he later wished he could have avoided. It was during the third quarter when the two boys made visual contact – Stu in the second tier of bleachers on the “home” side of the field and Paul taking his place in the offensive line following a second down play. Neither evidenced recognition in the blank stare they exchanged, but later, as Paul found himself on that part of the field, his eyes again scanned the bleachers. Stu had left the game!
During Paul’s junior and senior years he did some cautious dating. This aspect of social life was particularly challenging to him. His studied approach to social interaction broke down when there was a need for a genuine emotional connection, and though his tee
nage hormones were normal, he feared their demands. Indeed, any form of intimacy was intimidating to him, but when it came to physical closeness, the words, gestures, and sense of obligations involved required more of him than he was capable of giving. During his senior year Paul made a breakthrough in this regard. He began dating a beautiful Hispanic girl, Rita Sanchez.
A cheerleader, Rita had admired Paul as the football season progressed. She was aggressive enough to make him aware of her interest. As Paul began to respond the relationship immediately flourished. Her adoration was almost smothering, but it was satisfying to Paul, and despite their cultural and intellectual differences the relationship brought him a liberating feeling he had never known before.
Gradually the elaborate facade he had created for himself gave way. He felt secure in Rita’s presence, and as their relationship deepened, new elements within his personality began to emerge. Her “hero worship” devotion brought reciprocal warmth and trust on Paul’s part, and for the first time he found himself deeply caring for another person. Despite the emotional confusion that still plagued him, Rita’s affection brought Paul his first sense of wholeness. It was with her that he first discovered the tenderness of affection, together with the power of its touch and embrace. This new facet of his life seemed to fill a void that had been present since early childhood and he found himself clinging tightly to the relationship, feeling more deeply about its permanence than his and Rita’s immaturity could justify.
Observing the intensity of Paul’s feelings and the rapid flowering of this teen-age romance, Andrea was alarmed. In her mind, “white hot” youthful love was both blind and irresponsible. She feared the possibility of a teenage marriage that, in the case of Paul and Rita, could be disastrous so far as she was concerned. Andrea regarded Rita as having come from a lesser place in Southern California society. Moreover, her mother was a divorcée, barely able to hold her large family together. Andrea assumed that government welfare was her primary means of support. No, she was not willing to see her son step down to this common level of living.
And so it was that she broached the subject with Paul. What she had to say was not so much a plea for restraint and good judgment, but took the form of a mandate – the relationship was unacceptable! Paul’s response was angry and defiant until the subject became an impasse between a strong-willed mother and the son who refused to bow to her wishes. Paul had taken offense at Andrea’s condescending regard for Rita and stiffened against her heavy-handed demands. He would do as he pleased!
Ironically, as Andrea fretted about her son’s relationship with a girl whose family was “tainted” by divorce, it was about this time that her own marriage began to unravel. The distance between her and Stanley had continued to increase over the years until they now lived completely separate lives. Stanley felt out of place in the whirlwind of Andrea’s business and social life and that spark of desire that had once bridged the enormous differences between them had waned and died. For Andrea it was a marriage for social appearances, and for Stanley it had become a burdensome, obligatory thing, devoid of the commitment that makes marriages work. His work was his life, and what spare time he had was lavished upon professional and college sports. He not only was an avid fan of San Diego State athletics, but also held season tickets for football, basketball, and baseball attractions in Los Angeles. Stanley loved the roar of the crowd. Later on he would campaign vigorously for the construction of the San Diego Jack Murphy Stadium where the Padres and the Chargers would play. This increasing involvement with competitive sports corresponded with the gradual deterioration of his marriage. Andrea’s take on all of this was that Stanley’s intense passion for sports evidenced something of a mid-life crisis.
The formal break came one Saturday evening. It was Stanley’s birthday, and at Andrea’s suggestion, they had gone to dinner at a downtown restaurant. The atmosphere was romantic, but Stanley’s frame of mind was decidedly not. Throughout the day he had steeled himself for the impending confrontation, and finally, amidst the awkwardness of forced, artificial conversation, Stanley said what had been on his mind for months.
“Andrea, I’m going to move out,” he said bluntly. “I’ve arranged for an apartment here in town. It’ll be closer to work and … well, I just think it will be better for both of us.”
As he had expected, things became difficult. It was as if Andrea perceived for the first time that Stanley had needs and feelings independent of her own. She was incredulous and responded with genuine bewilderment. “But why? I don’t understand! Why would you want to do such a thing?”
“I’m not happy, Andrea. I don’t expect you to understand,” he said coldly, “but I just need to do this.”
Still reeling from the initial jolt, Andrea struggled to maintain emotional control. In silence she studied the man who had been her husband for twenty years, the man who now seemed to be a stranger. When she spoke there was sharp accusation in her voice, “Is there someone else?”
Stanley held up his hand in protest. “Believe me, it’s nothing like that.”
“Then what is it? Can’t you give me something more than a lame explanation?”
Despite his anticipation of this uncomfortable moment, Stanley was unprepared to explain his complex feelings. As always, he felt himself incapable of handling a full-scale confrontation with Andrea. “I’m just tired of the way things are between us. Most of the time I feel like a houseguest or a lapdog. I just don’t want to do it anymore.”
There was anger in Andrea’s quick response. “And you think that’s my fault? You think I’ve liked having a husband that’s on the sidelines of everything? If you don’t like the way things are, why don’t you try to make them better instead of running away!”
Stanley felt weary – nearly twenty years’ worth of weariness. He was unwilling to spar with Andrea at this late stage in their marriage. She was too skilled at it. Her words always left him feeling like a little boy. He was not willing to replay the old arguments and feel their sting anew. “There’s no point talking about all of that,” he said. “I could never make you understand.”
“Well I think we should talk about it! After all these years you suddenly announce that you’re going to walk away from our marriage, and you think there’s no point in talking about it?”
“It’s done, Andrea. I’ve signed a contract on the new apartment.”
Andrea turned away from Stanley, her feelings shifting from anger to hurt as she contemplated the reality of a separation. She felt the stigma of a failed marriage, as though this new arrangement of her affairs were already in place. After more moments of silence she turned her troubled face towards him. For her, these circumstances intruded into her life as a complete surprise. They were sufficiently painful to bring tears – something Andrea rarely experienced. “Can’t we try things again?” she said sincerely. “I don’t want you to leave.”
Without hesitation Stanley shook his head. “I can’t do that, not now. Let’s see where things are after a few months.”
And so it was that Stanley made his break with Andrea. Initially she made some effort to stay in touch with him. She was more conciliatory than he had ever known her to be throughout their marriage. Nevertheless, he remained distant and unyielding. In time Andrea’s damaged pride healed. The next move was Stanley’s, she reasoned, and from that point she pushed him and her awkward circumstances into the back of her mind. Gradually her life returned to normalcy with thoughts of Stanley occupying no more of her interests than they had in the years preceding this recent development.
Although Stanley severed his ties with Andrea, his contacts with Paul were frequent and the relationship between the two of them became closer than it had ever been in the past. He took pride in Paul’s performance on the football field, leaving work for his afternoon games and arranging to be among the spectators whenever Paul played in the evening.
It was true that Stanley’s decision to move into an apartment had nothing to do with any extramarital
involvements, but some months after his relocation there was a new wrinkle in his life. Sylvia Vaughn, an attractive, slight-of-build blonde (blonde by choice), was part of the secretarial pool at N.E.L. Nearly ten years younger than Stanley, she was a mother of young children, a boy of eight and a girl who was five. She was still recovering from a nightmare of a marriage that had ended in divorce. Since the divorce her life had been in financial chaos. Such were Sylvia’s personal challenges when chance circumstances brought her and Stanley together.
Having made arrangements for the care of her children, Sylvia had worked late into the night on an urgent project. At the close of this demanding day she left her workstation and crossed a nearly empty parking lot to her car, only to discover a flat tire. She had planned to buy new tires months earlier, but the expense didn’t fit into her strained budget and she had postponed the purchase. Earlier in the week Sylvia had dealt with tire problems on the way to work. A service station mechanic had attempted to make a repair, but finally gave it up. Not only was there a puncture, but the casing had been perforated to the point that the tire was no longer usable. After installing the spare he sent her on her way, urging her to come back and buy a new set of tires. “With the looks of those other tires, you’re driving on a hope and a prayer,” he had said as she left.
Now, as she surveyed her unhappy circumstances, Sylvia was at a loss as to what to do. She was on her way back to the office to call for some emergency assistance when Stanley came onto the scene. It had been one of his late nights at work and now, as he drove towards the main gate he saw Sylvia. Immediately perceiving her problem he drove in her direction, and rolling down the car window, asked if he could be of assistance. It was only a matter of minutes before Sylvia was wearily resting in Stanley’s car as he drove her home. Although the two had never met previously, her dismay at being without a car made her more willing to commiserate with someone she hardly knew, and by the time they had reached her home Stanley had a bird’s eye view of her past and present challenges.
Braided Gold Page 15
