by Mel Wildes
“Nice spot you’ve found here.” Her smooth voice entered my world and I leaned against the concrete ledge as I watched her walk toward me, swaying her hips seductively without even realizing it.
“I like it.” I was doing my best to not look at her as she approached. I was trying to calm myself down, not rile myself back up again. Looking up at the sky, I felt her warmth find a place by my side and she cleared her throat. I could see her looking at me from my peripheral vision. “I’m sorry about before. I really am trying to control myself around you.” And I’m failing miserably.
“We don’t have to talk about it.” It was a bit of a punch to the gut knowing that she had no feelings, no urges and no curiosity about what my reaction to her meant.
“So why’d you follow me up here then?” I looked down at her and observed her eyes grow wide with anxiousness.
“I need to talk to you about something.” Her voice was shaking as I turned around just in time to observe her brows knitting together. She began fiddling with her hair but stopped herself quickly, taking a deep breath and turning to me. She smiled warmly as she looked me straight in the eyes. I hadn’t seen this look of fortitude in her eyes in a long time.
“I’m going to Seoul with Marcus.” I felt defeated as the words left her lips. “We’re flying there the day after tomorrow. We’re giving this relationship a real go, Alfie. I wanted you to know.” She turned around so she was facing the neighboring buildings across the way and I followed suite as I watched her with a blank expression. She had never been with a guy this seriously and she had definitely never made plans like this. “I’m happy, genuinely happy. I told him about the dress shop and he was understanding and that led to a serious conversation about us and we want to give it a go.” I stood baffled, unable to respond. “I just want you to know,” she paused and looked away from the buildings. Her brown eyes looking into my soul, “that we’re okay, you and I. After everything that we’ve been through the past few months and everything we’ve done, I still want you in my life. You’re still my best friend and I couldn’t be happier for you, and Tiffany. I know you know I’ve been in love with you since high school but you shouldn’t worry about me tomorrow, or anymore. For the first time I actually feel happy and content with your choices. And maybe that’s because I’m finally content with my own.” She was smiling genuinely as she grabbed my hands. A part of me knew what was coming and my heart thumped erratically in my chest. “I’ve found a way to love you, without being in love with you.”
TOO CLOSE TO THE SUN
2008
At this point I had tried almost everything to get Zadie to face me. I blasted music on my boom box to insane levels when I knew she’d be trying to read, I serenaded her with my ukulele and I threatened to tell her mom about the unfortunate incident that led to Zadie accidentally running over the neighbor’s cat. Nothing worked. She didn’t so much as flinch. As I sat on the rails of my balcony, I looked on into the abyss that was her room. A small glow of light and a shadowy figure moving around could be seen beyond the drapes. She hadn’t so much as opened the doors the past couple of weeks, despite my every attempt to sway her. As night drew near, prom was about to begin and I couldn’t bring myself to go without her. Swinging between our houses, I landed on her balcony and reluctantly approached her doors.
“Zadie?” I tapped on the door and the movement beyond the glass pane ceased. “Zadie, I know you’re in there and that you can hear me.” As she continued to ignore me, I knew it was time to take this up a notch. A mischievous idea crossed my mind as I leaped over our rails and back into my house to gather a few things. If she wasn’t going to listen to me willingly, then I was going to have to pull out the big guns and use one of her greatest weaknesses against her.
***
“Okay, this is how it’s going to go down,” I shouted from my balcony as I looked into her room and noticed her figure by the windows. The music beyond her glass doors blasted louder and I smirked as I grabbed my little brother’s abandoned toy megaphone, fully anticipating her every move. “You can’t ignore me anymore. It’s high time we talk and I promise you by the time I’m done, you will leave your room.” I was clear with my words as I jumped onto the railing and balanced myself on it, walking across it steadily. “How will I do this? You ask. Well, please allow me to demonstrate.” I paused on the railing and jumped down to collect my weapon. “In my hands lies a tub of peanut butter,” I explained with amusement and at the mention of my weapon of choice, her music dimmed and I noticed her figure get closer to her doors. “Let me take you back to fifth grade, it was a hot and clammy spring day when I went into anaphylactic shock after you shared your peanut butter and jelly sandwich with me during lunch.” Jumping back onto the railing, I continued to walk across it. “If you don’t come out of your room, you might just cause another shock.” It was low but at this point, I’d do anything for her to acknowledge me. From beyond her doors, I heard an audible groan that pleased me. To my surprise she retreated from her windows and I observed as her shadowy figure completely disappeared. My pleasure was short lived. I stood awkwardly on the railing, unsure of what to do next. I was banking on her concern for me. A ring from beyond my room only vividly entered my world as I attempted to see where she had disappeared too. As her figure returned, my bedroom door slammed open and my mom burst into my room, phone pressed tightly against her ear.
“He’s what?” Mom asked into the phone and I almost respected Zadie’s move. “Alfred Allen Montgomery!” her voice roared as she came up behind me and grabbed the jar from my hands. “Thank you, Zadie. I will talk to you later.” As she hung up the phone, she glared at me. I attempted to smile my way out of this.
“Mom, I can…” before I could finish, she held the phone up to silence me.
“Alfred, I know this is tough for you, but there are better ways to get her to talk to you that wont land you in a hospital. You’re smarter than that.” Groaning, she turned on her heel and made her way out of my room, pausing at the door. My smile faded as she looked at me softly. “Just be honest with her. Don’t wait until it’s too late.” She sighed heavily as she shook her head and gently closed my door behind her. I reflected on her words. I knew I should be more mature and patient with this, but time wasn’t in abundance for us. New York was coming and I couldn’t do it without Zadie.
“Okay, you win that round,” I sighed through the megaphone as I looked back to her room. “But next one’s mine.” At this I shoved the megaphone into my back pocket and observed the gutter of my roof carefully. I reached up to it and yanked it a little to check its strength. After it passed my test, I grabbed a hold of it and hoisted myself up until the upper half of my body rolled onto the roof. As I hoisted my legs over and sat down on the edge, I looked down at her room and pulled the megaphone out. “So here’s the thing, Zadie. You will listen to me because if you don’t, I will jump.” I was being completely serious. If I positioned myself in just the right direction, I’d land in a bush and only have a few bumps and bruises. I looked at her balcony doors and noticed her peeking past the drapes to my balcony only to notice me sitting on the edge of the roof. Her eyes opened wide as she slammed the door open. I wasn’t expecting this to actually work. Jumping up, I prepared myself for the jump and watched her as she scowled at me from her balcony.
“Are you out of your damn mind?” she spoke, nay yelled, in my direction for the first time in weeks and I warmed at the sound of her smooth voice. I attempted to hold back my smirk as I observed her mini jean shorts and long sleeve top.
“Yes. I am out of my mind,” I returned as I watched her cross her arms across her chest and look at me self-consciously. Apart of her was mad as hell, but another part of her was completely shattered by what I had said that night, I could still see it in her eyes. She fiddled with her sleeves, grabbing the ends of it into her fists. “Everything I said about you that night keeps repeating in my head. I don’t know why I strive for people’s acceptance, but that
night and everything I said, was just that. It was just me trying to fit in.” I attempted to explain but she looked up at me, unprepared for this conversation.
“Just get down, Alfie. You’re going to hurt yourself.” Her fists clenched the end of her sleeves even tighter and I furrowed my brows at the sight of this. This wasn’t one of her usual ticks.
“Not until we talk.” She shook her head and groaned as she moved to her balcony rails.
“You want to talk, let’s talk. You said it yourself; I was just charity. If anything, I should’ve realized you didn’t want me around sooner. But now I do.” I felt my heart shatter as tears threatened to escape her eyes. “You’re standing there fighting for me, but I know you really just want my acceptance like you wanted theirs. So have it, but don’t expect it to come with my friendship. You had that, Alfie. You had my respect and my love and somehow that wasn’t enough. Are we done now?” I puffed my chest out as I attempted to stop my own emotion from spilling over. Crouching down on the edge, I swung my body down to my balcony and jumped our rails so I was standing in front of her, forcing her to look me in the eye.
“I love you. And sometimes I screw up, it’s just who I am. It’s who my dad was and it’s who I’m trying not to be. And I realized these last couple of weeks that I’m trying not to be that screw up for you, but I keep failing.” As I grabbed her hands, she looked down and bit her bottom lip. “I don’t deserve you, I know that. But I will do anything to have you in my life again, because being in your orbit makes me a better person. If anything, you’ve been charitable to me since that first day we met. You let me, a grubby and angry kid, into your life and brought me back down to earth all the times I flew too close to the sun.” I lifted my hands to her cheeks and caressed them as I bit my own lips and fought back my every urge. “You’re my best friend, Zadie.” I shrugged my shoulders in defeat and she looked up at me wide-eyed. “I can’t do life without you.” Something in her eyes shifted as the words sunk in. A faint and reluctant smile eclipsed the soft curve of her mouth. Pulling my hands away from her, I felt an unspoken shift in our relationship. Before I could focus on it, I noticed pink and orange paint smudged against her cheeks.
“What the?” I stepped closer to look at it and noticed it was on my hands too.
“Oh shit,” she cussed as she looked down at her hands and then my own.
“What is this?” I asked as I grabbed her hands and noticed her sleeves stained with paint. It was why she was clutching onto them so tightly. She was hiding something.
“Nothing.” She bit her lip again as she attempted to close her balcony doors behind her.
“Zadie…” I started as I pushed her aside and opened her balcony doors.
“Alfie, don’t go in there,” she protested but before she had a chance to stop me, my eyes landed on a giant tarp, ropes, boxes of powdered paint and empty buckets.
“What’s all this?” I asked as I picked up an opened sachet of powdered paint and a bucket.
“Ugh,” she began as she closed the balcony doors behind her and took the sachet from my hands. She looked between the paint and me, before smiling. It was the first time she smiled like this in my direction, in weeks, and I forgot how much life it gave me. “It’s retribution.”
WHERE IS SHE?
2018
I couldn’t remember much from last night but what I did remember I wish I didn’t. Everything that happened after Zadie and I returned to the party was a blur. I remembered her looking me in the eyes and declaring she was no longer in love with me. I also remembered approaching the waitress soon after and asking for the strongest drink she had. Everything after that was lost to me, maybe forever. As my head pounded, I watched Mateo approach me with Advil and a glass of water. He had a somber look on his face. I looked across the room at my groomsmen getting reading, unable to locate Zadie.
“You look like shit, Alfie,” he chuckled ever so slightly as he sat beside me at my kitchen bench.
“I feel like shit.” I attempted to chuckle but the pounding in my head prevented me from doing anything beyond sitting like a zombie, perfectly still in front of my bagel.
“Yeah, that happens when you hit the hard stuff in the quantity you were hitting it last night.” I attempted to lift the Advil and water to my lips as I squinted in his direction. In that moment I couldn’t figure out why in the world I decided to live in an apartment with so many windows.
“What the hell happened after I came back from the rooftop?” I asked, unsure of whether I really wanted to know.
“Oh, I see you can remember your point of no return.” He laughed heartily and I despised him for laughing near me. “Well, let’s see. After you came back from the rooftop, you ordered a shit ton of liquor and decidedly chose not to go through with Zadie’s dinner plans.” I groaned as I remembered that part. “You instead wanted an all-you-can-eat buffet at a strip club.” I looked at him with disbelief as he grabbed a pot of coffee in front of us and poured some into an empty mug beside my bagel.
“A strip club? Really?” I hated strip clubs.
“Yeah, you were real stubborn about it. I don’t know what happened to you on that rooftop man, but you shut down.” At this point I couldn’t stop thinking about Zadie and how I must’ve treated her.
“Zadie?” I asked reluctantly and that somber look returned on his face as he poured himself some coffee.
“Well, she was a trooper. She let you run the show after you came back from the roof. You completely ignored her until,” he paused to take a sip, “Marcus showed up. He came to the strip club to pick her up but you insisted on them staying.” He lifted a brow as he continued to drink his coffee.
“Jesus, what else happened?” I asked with exhaustion as I took a sip of my own coffee. The warm bitterness worked overtime to wake me up.
“You got pretty clingy after he showed up, holding onto her and nuzzling her. Like I said she was a trooper. She just kept taking care of you despite Marcus boring holes into you.” I groaned loud enough to trigger the pounding pain in my head to reemerge.
“Are you serious?” A part of me was happy I couldn’t remember anything.
“Yeah, you were pretty shit-faced, Alfie.” He finished off his coffee as I realized he was almost fully suited up. Looking around the room, the rest of my groomsmen laid around the apartment, suits on and ready to go. “We should probably get you ready, we have to be at the church soon. Rosa is texting me like crazy,” he pointed out and I looked away from the groomsmen and back at him, suddenly aware that today was the day. I didn’t know how I felt about it. I couldn’t really focus on Tiffany when I couldn’t stop thinking about Zadie.
“How did the night end?” I asked hesitantly as I stood to my feet beside him. Mateo followed suite, standing up and grabbing his suit jacket from the back of the kitchen stool.
“You passed out. Zadie was arguing with Marcus, she wanted to take you home but I suggested she go home with him and meet us at the church in the morning. She left in a huff. Rosa and I brought your scrawny ass back here. You were barely coherent when we got back, messing around on your phone before passing out on your bed.” His phone began to blow up beside him on the kitchen counter, interrupting his hearty laughter. Before he had a chance to check it, my apartment door slammed open and a familiar petite brunette came barging in.
“Okay boys, time to roll. Where’s the groom?” Rosa’s voice piped up as she found her way to us, her eyes basically protruding from her head. “Jesus, Mateo! He hasn’t even showered! All you had to do was feed him and throw him in the shower.” She finished her scolding with a barrage of Spanish before grabbing me and pushing me toward my bathroom.
“I fed him, that still counts.” He scratched his head and she rolled her eyes.
“I’m not one of your kids, Rosa.” I attempted to gain some semblance of my pride back but my words fell on deaf ears.
“Get your ass in the shower, Alfie. You’re getting married in thirty minutes.” She sighed a
s she slammed the door of the bathroom shut behind me. I stared at the bathroom door for the longest time as I attempted to come to terms with the fact that this was happening, and perhaps not with the right person.
***
The church was packed to the brim with all of Tiffany’s family, friends and acquaintances. The people in my life were barely present, probably because I had no interest in them being here. None of this felt right or even honest. As the clock began to run out of time, I looked across the church and wondered why I was still here. I didn’t love Tiffany and I especially didn’t want a life with her. I was flying too close to the sun and Zadie wasn’t here to pull me back in.
“Where is she?” I asked Mateo and he looked to me and then down the aisle.
“She should be coming down soon,” he pointed out and I shook my head with impatience.
“No, Zadie. Where’s Zadie?” At my question, his eyes focused back on me, reluctant to answer the question.
“Does your curiosity about Zadie in this very moment not tell you anything?” he asked and nodded my head slowly as I cleared my throat.
“It tells me everything,” I admitted and reluctantly, he nodded his head as he left my side and approached Rosa who was sitting a few rows behind my mom. They whispered something amongst each other before she squeezed past my uncle and aunt and bee-lined her way toward me.
“So you finally know.” She pursed her lips as she stopped in front of me. “Hell of a place to figure it out, Alfie.” She shook her head and raised a brow.
“Do you know where she is, Rosa?” I asked and she shook her head and pulled her phone out.
“The last I heard she was on her way here with Marcus. That was an hour ago,” she whispered sympathetically, looking up from her phone. “This is a lot for her, Alfie. Whether she admits it or not.” Before I had a chance to respond I noticed Penny at the back of the church, squeezing past a few guests. She was in a rush as she finally escaped the row and exited the church. The rational part of me told me to stay and be an honorable man but the irrational part of me needed to know where Zadie was. That part of me knew this wasn’t where I needed to be. Without a word I ran across the pew and down the aisle, just as the string quartet began to sound across the church. As I approached the entrance of the church, a baffled Tiffany watched me wide eyed as I slid to a stop beside her.
