by Mary Adkins
* * *
from:
[email protected]
to:
[email protected]
date:
Mon, Aug 31 at 10:12 PM
subject:
re: Paging Benjamin Franklin!
* * *
Just set everything else aside and focus on this.
* * *
from:
[email protected]
to:
[email protected]
date:
Mon, Aug 31 at 10:33 AM
subject:
re: Emergency
* * *
Me again. Just left you another message. Call when you can?
* * *
from:
YOPLAY
to:
[email protected]
date:
Mon, Aug 31 at 10:37 AM
subject:
re: YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE THIS B AS IN BULL + S AS IN SATIRE
* * *
WE ARE WAITING FOR RECORDS. PLEASE SEND SO HE’LL LEAVE ME ALONE. I TOLD HIM I WANT TO GET IT OVER WITH now SO I DON’T HAVE TO COME BACK AGAIN
HE IS SO MEAN
SO I BOUGHT SOME GOATS ONCE SO WHAT??
* * *
from:
[email protected]
to:
[email protected]
date:
Mon, Aug 31 at 10:56 AM
subject:
re: Emergency
* * *
You here? Ringing your buzzer.
* * *
from:
[email protected]
to:
[email protected]
date:
Mon, Aug 31 at 10:57 AM
subject:
re: Paging Benjamin Franklin!
* * *
Good news! I know you said to set it aside, but Deshi from GiveUsYourWork is on his way to pack up the boxes, and he’s only charging $10 plus shipping costs. (How does he even make ends meet? I’m really beginning to see what my Social Contracts in the Modern Age professor meant when he bemoaned the booming freelancer economy. Still, for our immediate purposes, #worthit.) (Omg, how quickly I became #partoftheproblem . . . so many feelings . . .)
But BACK TO IT (banality of evil, ugh)—fastest method, you said, right? I’ll tell him FedEx Overnight.
Oh, he’s already here!
* * *
from:
[email protected]
to:
[email protected]
date:
Mon, Aug 31 at 11:05 AM
subject:
re: Emergency
* * *
At coffee shop across the street. Your office light isn’t on.
Are you getting my texts? Will wait here till you’re back.
* * *
from:
[email protected]
to:
[email protected]; YOPLAY
date:
Mon, Aug 31 at 11:29 AM
subject:
Regarding the video assignment
* * *
Dear Smith and Phil,
As a (relatively) straight man, I have long been troubled by my possible role in perpetuating homophobia. This current assignment raises ethical concerns for me. I have been charged with creating a video in which I replace male-to-male amorous activity with female-to-male amorous activity. Yes, they are Muppets. But as Muppets, they are gendered. The goal of this video is, apparently, to dial back the suggestion that Phil is gay. But the underlying message of this project is homophobia.
After a thoughtful twenty minutes of self-struggle, I have determined that I cannot complete this project while maintaining my integrity. I am, however, attaching an article on the historically disproportionate distribution of male vs. female characters among the Muppets, which began to be remedied in the 1990s and yet remains unequal even today.
Sincerely,
Carl Van Snyder III
Senior Intern
Simonyi Brand Management
* * *
from:
[email protected]
to:
[email protected]; YOPLAY
date:
Mon, Aug 31 at 11:32 AM
subject:
re: Regarding the video assignment
* * *
Carl (and Phil),
While I understand your concern, we can deal with homophobia another time. This is important to Phil.
Thx to both of you,
Smith
* * *
from:
[email protected]
to:
[email protected]
date:
Mon, Aug 31 at 11:33 AM
subject:
re: Regarding the video assignment
* * *
Carl,
(Took Phil off) Please do not communicate with clients without my permission apart from scheduling appointments. This is very important.
* * *
from:
[email protected]
to:
[email protected]
date:
Mon, Aug 31 at 11:44 AM
subject:
re: Paging Benjamin Franklin!
* * *
Boss,
It’s fine! He already wrote back, and you won’t believe it, but he had no idea the video was speculation about his sexual orientation! In fact, he seems to be completely in the dark re: all those memes about him being closeted. What bliss, to be so naïve! I almost hated to tell him.
But he took it like a true ally. He is not upset, and he agrees that we should abandon the video, as he does not want to be affiliated with bigotry. What a relief—that Phil Gergel is so decent!
Honestly, there’s another reason it’s best to forgo projects like this one for the time being. Did you know Mercury is in retrograde, so it’s a dangerous time to be technologically innovative? Things made of technology tend to break down out of nowhere. Last night my roommate broke his phone by dropping it onto his own face. Probably his head didn’t give way much due to the fact that his pillow is memory foam. (Those make me sweat, do they you??)
By the way, Phil also asked me to send over some bank records. So he gives you an account and you can just access it as needed? How convenient. Looks like the log-in is saved on this computer, too! Consider it done.
PS—Did you sleep in the office last night? Just wondering because when I arrived there was a blanket bunched up on the bottom of the lobby couch. And if that’s an option, I’m definitely interested. My roommates are now into assigning chores to one another and policing the hell out of the chore sheet. I just don’t have it in me, not this summer.
* * *
from:
[email protected]
to:
[email protected]
date:
Mon, Aug 31 at 11:45 AM
subject:
re: Paging Benjamin Franklin!
* * *
Carl,
Wait.
Do not send any financial files or information until I return.
* * *
from:
YOPLAY
to:
[email protected]
date:
Mon, Aug 31 at 11:53 AM
subject:
re: YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE THIS B AS IN BULL + S AS IN SATIRE
* * *
DID YOU KNOW PEOPLE THINK I’M GAY?????
* * *
from:
YOPLAY
to:
[email protected]
date:
Mon, Aug 31 at 11:55 AM
subject:
re: YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE THIS B AS IN BULL + S AS IN SATIRE
* * *
I SPEND BECAUSE I CARE
I HOPE
NO I DO
I DO
I LOVE THAT CARL B
Y THE WAY
HE SAYS YOU ARE OUT N ABOUT SO HE IS GOING TO SEND THE FILES
* * *
from:
[email protected]
to:
[email protected]
date:
Mon, Aug 31 at 12:00 PM
subject:
re: Paging Benjamin Franklin!
* * *
Uh-oh. Did I do something wrong? Was just trying to be helpful . . .
* * *
from:
YOPLAY
to:
[email protected]
date:
Mon, Aug 31 at 12:06 PM
subject:
re: YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE THIS B AS IN BULL + S AS IN SATIRE
* * *
SMITH WHAT IS BARRY SAYING TO ME RIGHT NOW
I CANNOT BELIEVE MY EARS AND HEARING
* * *
from:
[email protected]
to:
YOPLAY
date:
Mon, Aug 31 at 12:09 PM
subject:
re: YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE THIS B AS IN BULL + S AS IN SATIRE
* * *
I am going to pay it back. I can explain. I am very sorry, but it isn’t what it looks like.
* * *
from:
YOPLAY
to:
[email protected]
date:
Mon, Aug 31 at 12:12 PM
subject:
re: YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE THIS B AS IN BULL + S AS IN SATIRE
* * *
YOU STOLE FROM ME?
ET TU, BRUTE?
* * *
from:
YOPLAY
to:
[email protected]
date:
Mon, Aug 31 at 12:13 PM
subject:
re: YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE THIS B AS IN BULL + S AS IN SATIRE
* * *
STOP CALLING MY PHONE I CANNOT FACE YOU IN THIS MOMENT
* * *
from:
[email protected]
to:
YOPLAY
date:
Mon, Aug 31 at 12:16 PM
subject:
re: YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE THIS B AS IN BULL + S AS IN SATIRE
* * *
I did have to move some money around to cover my mother’s rent. I am going to pay you back right away. Today if possible. I have a new prospective client—huge—an author—I just need a day or so to sign her. I promise it will work out if you’ll just trust me.
* * *
from:
YOPLAY
to:
[email protected]
date:
Mon, Aug 31 at 12:34 PM
subject:
re: YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE THIS B AS IN BULL + S AS IN SATIRE
* * *
WITHDRAWALS WITH NO FEES INVOICED, BARRY SAYS
SUMS MISSING, GONE
FOR MONTHS NOW
AND YOU BLAME IT ON YOUR MOTHER? ISN’T SHE A CRIPPLE?
so
low
A CRIPPLE
YOUR ASS SHOULD BE IN A MANILA FOLDER ON THE DESK OF A KHAKI DETECTIVE THIS INSTANT
MY ACCOUNTANT WANTS ME TO PRESS CHARGES!!!
BARRY SAYS WHAT YOU DID IS CRIMINAL.
AGAINST THE LAW.
HOW CAN YOU STEAL FROM ME AFTER ALL THIS TIME? I AM IN GOOD MIND TO SUE BUT AM WILLING TO TALK FIRST TO HEAR YOUR SIDE OF THE STORY, MOSTLY CAUSE I NEED THE KARMA
HOWEVER YOU AND I ARE THROUGH
FOR GOOD
JUDAS
I only tried to see the good in you.
* * *
from:
[email protected]
to:
YOPLAY
date:
Mon, Aug 31 at 12:35 PM
subject:
re: YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE THIS B AS IN BULL + S AS IN SATIRE
* * *
I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say.
* * *
from:
[email protected]
to:
[email protected]
date:
Mon, Aug 31 at 12:44 PM
subject:
re: Paging Benjamin Franklin!
* * *
Oh no. What have I done. Am I fired?
* * *
from:
[email protected]
to:
[email protected]
date:
Mon, Aug 31 at 12:49 PM
subject:
Goodbye, Marcus
* * *
Marcus,
Thank you for the clarity of your email this morning.
Please consider this email my resignation.
Jade
* * *
from:
[email protected]
to:
[email protected]
date:
Mon, Aug 31 at 12:53 PM
subject:
re: Emergency
* * *
dude I was at the gym. u ok? whats going on
http://dyingtoblog.com/irismassey
January 7 | 1:43 AM
I did a little research into how memory works. Turns out when you remember something, what you’re remembering is the last time you remembered it. So every time you do, it’s different.
Happens.
When you remember it
* * *
Then you remember it again
* * *
And if you don’t remember it
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It shrinks up
Like a muscle
* * *
Or old love
Until eventually what you remember
* * *
is pretty much all memories of memories.
I am writing down dots
* * *
The mangled dots.
COMMENTS (49):
BonnieD: Told u pics get u on the popular page, congrats! now watch out u are famous lol
HarryBeastMan: tits tits titties tits tits titties
GloriaGlowing: @moderator see above
HarryBeastMan: u want me glowbird u know it
Moderator: User has been removed. Apologies for the insensitive remarks. As you were!
Click to see 43 more . . .
BigJessBarbs: This blog reminds me of my knitting days!
Tuesday, September 1
* * *
from:
Bro-vado
to:
[email protected]
date:
Tue, Sep 1 at 4:49 AM
subject:
WHO’S THE MAN?
* * *
YOU ARE! Here’s a breakdown of your most recent session:
High: $32,319
Low: $0
Walkaway: $0
ProTip: End your session while you’re up . . . then come back with more to play with the next time.
