by Lake, Rae B.
"I know until then I'll just enjoy what I've been given." I shrug, not even caring anymore. They’ve threatened to kill me at least once an hour since I walked through the door.
Ink gets a beer from Pope and just sits next to me and drinks. There is no animosity from him or hatred. He’s just sitting there to be in my company. When did I become the calm one? "How is Jazmine? I haven't seen her yet." I ask, hoping beyond hope she wasn't taken away from him as well. There’s just no telling with everything that’s happened since I was gone.
"She's ok. She's asleep. She sleeps a lot." He says and looks away.
"What happened to them?" I know he doesn't have to tell me what went down. I was on the outskirts, but just from the look of the place, I can tell that they’re all still suffering, still stuck in a place they don't need to be in mentally.
"I don't want to talk about it." Ink looks away, and his fist clenches against the bar top.
"I can understand that, but just because you don't want to fucking talk about it doesn't mean you shouldn't. I know nothing I will ever do will change the fact that I wasn't here to help when I should have been, but maybe I can fucking lend an ear now. I mean, for fucks sake, it's not like we have anything else to do.”
He heaves out a sigh and places his beer down on the bar. "They raped her. They raped all of them."
My mouth drops open. I wasn't expecting that. I wasn't expecting Ink to say they’d been so completely devastated like that. No wonder they’re only a shell of what they used to be. Someone had come into our family and ripped out their souls. "Fuck. I'm so sorry, man." I reach over and clap him on the back. It’s the least I could do to show him that I’m here for him.
"She's been telling me she’s ok, but she isn't acting like it, and I don't know what I can do to help her. I want to get her some help, but she doesn't want it. Angel tries to help her, but it's like she's a ghost. Maven is the same way. The kids don't even come out of their rooms to play anymore. We don't know how to fix it, and neither do they. We’re just stuck."
I think back on what happened after Vale tried to violate Duo. I wanted to ease off. I wanted just to let her be because I knew she’d just gone through something tragic, but she didn't let me. She wanted to be treated like she was the same as she was before. She didn't want to be a victim.
"What have you two been doing with each other? You know these women like to be wined and dined and shit. You loving on her like you used to?"
He scoffs and grabs for his beer again. "We haven't had sex since then."
My head tilts to the side right at that moment, "I can't be the one to tell you about your woman. Only you know her, but maybe that’s one of the problems right there."
"What the hell do you expect me to do? I'm not going to fucking force her to do something she isn't ready for. I love that woman, and I'll fucking wait for her if that’s what I need to do."
"I know it, Ink. There’s nothing about you that says you won't wait for her. What I'm saying is maybe you’re waiting for her when she's already ready. Maybe she thinks you're not ready. Does she feel like you still want her? Do you still want to fuck her?" I ask, and when the man turns those deadly eyes on me, I have to put my hands up to show I meant no disrespect.
"Of course, I still want her."
"I'm pretty fucking sure she doesn't know that. That bastard took her confidence away, and it's going to be a long time before she gets it back. You gave her the time she needed. You stayed back and waited for her to come to you. Now I think you need to take some control here, brother. Maybe she needs you to tell her how much she still is everything you could ever fucking want."
He doesn't say a word, just picks up his beer and takes another swig, “What the fuck were you doing with Vale?" He asks, and I knew it was coming. I knew they would want to know if I were still down with them, why I was running around with the enemy?
"I thought I could bring him back," I reply. I know it’s a shit poor excuse to Ink. Vale brutally beat him and set him up to die so many times, and nothing can be done to fix the bridge between the two of them.
"Bring him back to what, Storm? I'm going to kill him. I promise you I'm going to fucking kill him. Even if Clean tells me not to, that man will die if I have to die right along with him. So, what exactly were you bringing him back to? He is no longer part of this family. Vale chose the quick buck and some status over us. I don't understand what you don't see.”
"I know he fucked up. I know there’s nothing I can do to save him now, but when we were down at Archer's club, it was so final. There was no discussing it. I felt he deserved one final chance to at least try and make amends. I know now that was futile. He's not who I think he is, and I don't know if he ever was."
"He's your brother. You knew him before the patch." Clean somehow managed to sneak out of the back room without me noticing, not that I was paying attention to what was happening around me.
I turn to face him, "Yeah, I did know him. I don't know what the fuck he's become now, though. He kills like it’s nothing. Sure, I've killed with you guys before, but never without just fucking cause. I never want to be like him. Brother or not, that man isn't who I need to be around."
It feels like I’m letting him go. Like I’m washing my hands of the entire situation, and even if it is the right thing to do, it’s hard for me.
"He's still your brother." Clean sits down at the bar next to me, and Pope gives him a beer.
I shrug my shoulders and look at the man beside me. He lost his child. There is nothing that could ever replace that.
"What about you? How is Maven?"
His eyes go dark, and I can feel the tension get thick in the air. He is angry. "We don't need to talk about that shit. It's over; it happened."
"It isn't over, at least not for the girls. And from the way things are in this clubhouse, it's not over for you guys either. The longer y’all sit on this, the harder it's going to be for them to come back."
"What the fuck? Did you get your fucking degree in psychology while you were off running the globe with a fucking sicko?"
A lightbulb flashes in my head, "No. I didn't, that’s for fucking sure, but maybe that’s what they need. Has anyone suggested they talk to someone? Like a professional?"
Clean smacks his lips and starts to get off the stool. I grab his arm to stop him. He looks down at it like it’s a piece of shit, and I quickly move my hand away. I don't want him to break it. "Look, I'm not trying to be stupid or disrespectful, but maybe they need to talk this shit out."
"You think I haven't asked her if she wants to go to see a therapist. There’s no way we could go to one on the outside. What would we say? Yeah, our wives were raped by a bunch of drug dealers and gangsters, and even though we killed the person responsible and burned his body in the backyard, we still haven’t finished getting our revenge. They would have us downtown in the fucking clink before we could blink and call child protective services. They’d take June and July. We can't afford to let anyone in on our business. We need to keep everything close to the chest. If you ain’t family, you can't fucking know what the fucking is happening."
"Maybe the family could expand," I suggest, thinking back on the few people I knew from the past who had shown interest in the Wings when we were on the top of the mountain.
"No, fuck that. The last time we tried to do all this expanding shit, we fucked ourselves over, and we destroyed everything we’ve ever worked for. No one else." Clean shakes his head and gets off the stool.
I don't want to stop him again, but I know what needs to be done. These women need a fucking shrink, and I know just where I could find one.
Duo POV
The entire clubhouse is stuffy as fuck. I swear I’ve been in prison cells that were more alive than this place. From what I’ve heard from Storm and the rest of the boys, I can't blame them. They’re all traumatized. The problem is if you stay stuck in your trauma, it consumes you. To live, you have to move forward. They aren't doing that. In
stead, they are just laying back and letting it eat them alive.
I knock on one of the doors and see a woman with short hair lying on the bed. I know she isn't sleeping, but she doesn't even turn around to address me.
"Hey, can I come in?"
"Sure." Finally, she turns and gives me a small smile, trying to be polite.
"I know you don't know me, but I was a little lonely. Thought I could come and sit down with someone for a while."
"I don't know how much company I'm going to be today. Maybe we can chat another time?" She tries to lay back down on the bed.
"Jazmine? Right?" I’m not going to take no for an answer. Not only am I a survivor myself, but I’m a trained fucking psychologist. I never wanted to go into practice because I couldn't deal with all the fucking red tape that went along with it. That doesn't mean I don't know what the fuck I’m doing.
"Yeah."
"I need a friend right now. I feel so alone." I do my best to play on her empathy. She knows what it feels like to feel alone. I would put money on it that she feels that way right now.
She smiles a little more and pulls her knees up to her chest. "Ok, sure. Let's talk a little. I bet you must be nervous about your father coming."
"Oh, I'm more nervous for Storm than anything else. If I can't get my father to hear me out before he sees Storm, my father may shoot him dead on the spot. My family isn't a bunch of talkers." I shrug my shoulders and sit down cross-legged on the chair, trying to get comfortable and show her there is no need for her to be uncomfortable as well.
"Yeah, I've seen a few of your family members before. Mostly from one of the other wives who used to be here with us. She's gone now." Her voice drops at the end of the sentence.
"Keeley?"
Jazmine just nods.
"Yeah, she's my cousin. I wish she were here. She always knew just the right thing to say."
Jazmine sighs and lets her head fall. "I miss her."
"I do too. It only makes sense for you to miss her. You've gone through a lot, then to lose more friends right after. It's a lot for anyone to take on."
"So, I don't want you to take this the wrong way because it doesn't matter to me, but you don't look very Croatian. Did you grow up there?" She asks. I laugh and can sense her uneasiness. Of course, I don’t look very Croatian. My mother was dark-skinned. It was completely taboo for my father to have a child with a woman of a different race, but there’s one thing I can say about the Juric Family, they don't give a fuck about what anyone thinks. My father thought my mother was attractive enough he decided to fuck her and get her pregnant. Being of a darker complexion never made him question if I was his or made him any less proud to have me as his daughter. I never felt less than.
"Yeah, I get that a lot. I spent most of my formative years over there. My mother and my father stop seeing each other completely after a few years, but when I turned eighteen, I came to the States to pursue my degree, not that it did me any good." I pick at my nails. I don't want her to think I’m trying to play her or anything like that, but I knew she’d ask me what my degree was.
"What kind of degree did you get?"
"I majored in psychology. Got my masters and everything." I smile at her, and I can see her face drop a bit. Most people act like that when they discover I'm a psychologist. No one wants to be shrunk.
"Oh, so you’re a psychologist?"
"Yes, I am. Also, a very good listener."
"Hmm. Well, that’s good for you," she says and looks away.
"Sometimes, other times, it feels like people don't want to talk to me because of it. Just because I might understand more of what they feel than the average joe doesn't mean I know you. I just want to get to know people again. I want to share what I've been through and maybe find someone who can help me through things too. I don't know. Just sometimes I need to talk too." It is true. It's rare that I really get a chance to just talk to anyone. It's one of the main reasons I took up the bartender's job; people were so open there. They just let their feelings pour out, especially after a few drinks. Unfortunately, it was all a bit one-sided.
"I can listen. I mean, I’m not a psychologist, but I'll listen." Jazmine turns more toward me, giving me her undivided attention.
"Really, you sure? I mean, I've had a few fucked up things happen in the past few weeks. I don't want to overburden you."
"Yeah, I'm sure. Lay it on me."
"Ok, well, I don't think I’ve ever been so scared to be with someone in my life." I talk from the heart.
"You mean with Storm?"
"Yes, he brings things out of me I didn't even know were there."
"Well, I think that’s how it's supposed to be with the people that we fall for, right? I mean, what’s the point of being with someone who doesn't challenge you to be better than what you are? To become more than what you used to be. Sounds like Storm is exactly what you need."
"I don't know. He scares me sometimes. He looks like his brother, and I know they are two different people, but sometimes I wake up and see him and just want to scream. Vale tried to break me. He almost did. I've been kidnapped before and beaten before, but Vale wanted to do things to me that I don't know anyone would think of doing. It's so hard to look at Storm and know he’s the man who can turn me on so thoroughly, yet his brother is the same man who forced himself on me." My heart clenches as the words come out of my mouth. I didn't want to admit them to myself before. They are true, though, even if it was only one penetration. The second he held me down and forced himself inside of me without my permission was rape.
“Oh my god.” Jazmine reaches out and hugs me before she moves a little closer to me. “I can't imagine what that must be like. I mean, did you tell him you feel like this?"
"No, of course not. He would never touch me again. That's not what I want him to know. I want him, and I want him to want me. If he felt like he was hurting me or scaring me, he wouldn't do it."
I let it hang there for a second, hoping that by me sharing and being truthful with Jazmine is enough to have her open up to me. It might not happen, but I could only try.
"Ink scares me too." She admits, her hands folded tightly in her lap.
"Why, you think he would force himself on you?"
"Oh no, never. Nico loves me. He adores me, and I know it." A slight smile crosses her face.
"So why are you scared?"
"I'm used. Broken. What if Nico grabs me like one of them did, and I freak out? He shouldn't be stuck with a woman who can't give all of herself to him. It's not fair. I'm just so scared he’s going to realize that and leave me. He's going to realize that I'm damaged goods, and I'll just be a piece of his past."
Now it's my turn to console her. I put my arms around her, and she collapses against me. When was the last time she had someone to talk to? "You're not broken. You're still you. Yes, that man took something from you that you didn't want to give, but that doesn't mean you are any less, Jazmine, than you were before it happened. If Ink loves you like you think he does, and I believe it, then he may be just as lost as you right now."
"How do I figure that out? What can I even say to him?" She whispers against my neck.
"Tell him. You have to be honest with him. He loves you and wants to help. He just needs to know how to help. You have nothing to be ashamed of, ever." I pull her back to look at her face, and her eyes jump from mine to over my shoulder. When I turn around, I see Maven at the door. Her eyes are wet, and her arms are crossed around her midsection.
"I lost his baby. I did that. It's my fault. He hates me.” She cries and squeezes herself.
I hop off the bed and pull her into my arms as she wails in pain. When I look out the door, there’s another woman there. One with long dark hair and wide eyes. She isn't crying, but I can see she wants to come in too. I grab her arm and pull her in.
I put them on the bed, and we all sit there in a small circle, just holding each other.
"None of this is any of y’alls fault. It's not their
fault. The ones at fault are the ones you got your revenge on."
"So why does it hurt so fucking bad? Why does it feel like every damn breath rips my heart out of my chest?" Maven's tears wet my shirt.
"Because you're human. You wanted that baby and loved that baby. He was yours, and they stole him from you. It's not going to stop hurting. I promise you it won’t, but you can grieve together. You can find even the glimmer of hope together, you and Clean. He needs you. There will never be a replacement for that baby, but losing him doesn't make you less of who you are.”
"I don't know if I can do that again." Maven whispers, letting go of the secret hiding inside of her. She didn't want to get pregnant again.
"Then don't. It's your body, and Clean will respect your wishes. If you don't want to, then don't. If you need to wait, then wait. You are in control. Clean isn't going to force you to do anything you don't want to do." Maven nods her head hard, and tears fall in big drops on her legs.
"I want to kill all of them. I want to find every single last one of those bastards and kill them." The other woman speaks from where she sits.
"Amen, Siren, I'm right there with you."
Siren. I don't know much about this one. Only that she had been locked up for a long time, leaving one traumatic experience for another one.
"I'm not going to tell you it's wrong for you to feel that way. Fuck it. I'm not even going to tell you it's wrong for you to do it. My family kills people who wrong them over breakfast, so I know sometimes people just have to fucking die, but you are in control of how that affects you. Are you going to let them overtake who you are just because you of a vendetta?" I let my head hang to the side. I can see this girl is stuck in a fighter’s mindset; it's probably what she's had to do for a long time, "You may never get the opportunity to kill them. You going to let them have this power over you for the remainder of your life?"
"No, I'm tired of being mad. I'm tired of wanting to hurt people all the time or waiting for someone to come and hurt me. Why is there always so much fucking pain?" One tear pops from her eyes, and the girls both wrap their arms around her,
