by Tara Brent
Bethany chuckled. “That sounds about right.” Colleen’s trees and house were also completely decked in lights, but only those yellowish-white fairy lights, with no lawn decorations, and a very simple wreath with a gold bow on the front door. “Hi Fernando!” she called up a tree. Fernando was up one of Colleen’s evergreens, fixing a star atop it. Well, that at least is more festive than I would have expected from her, thought Bethany.
“Hello Miss Bethany!” He called down. “Uno momento, almost done here!”
“Remind me again when the rest of the family arrives?” Bethany asked Joel.
“We pick them up from JFK tomorrow at around six PM or so,” he said. “Then, we find our way to the city, we meet your fancy boyfriend, and then, the concert.”
“Which I am SO excited for!” she added.
“Which concert are you more excited for? The first one, or the one next week?”
“DON’T MAKE ME CHOOSE! THEY’RE BOTH GOING TO BE AMAZING!”
“Not gonna lie, I’m a bit jealous of you.”
“What, do you want to date Tristan?” she teased.
“I mean...”
“Never mind, forget I asked.”
Fernando made it to the ground and pulled his gloves off. “Miss Bethany, this your brother?”
“Yup! Joel, this is Fernando, Fernando, Joel.”
They shook hands. “Nice to meet you,” said Joel.
“Yes, yes,” Fernando said slowly, eyeing Joel carefully. Then, he snapped his fingers. “Ah! I know who you look like?”
“Oh?” said Bethany and Joel simultaneously.
“Yes! From the Puppet movie with Rudolph! You know,” he made a scruffy voice, “‘Gold and silver, silver and gold! Bumbles bounce! Mush’”
“OH. MY. GOSH. YES. INFINITE YES!” said Bethany. “YUKON CORNELIUS! YOU TOTALLY LOOK LIKE YUKON CORNELIUS!”
“Okay,” said Joel, “you know what...—”
“Si! ‘The name’s Yukon Cornelius, the greatest prospector in the north!’”
“Very funny,” said Joel.
“Bro I will literally give you a hundred dollars if you dress up as Yukon Cornelius for Christmas,” said an ecstatic Bethany.
“You dress up as the Abominable Snow Monster and I just might consider it.”
“Dude I will do it don’t you test me,” said Bethany.
* * *
Bethany and Joel each drove a separate car to pick up the rest of the Ballard clan. Bethany took her parents, her somewhat older brother, Layton, and his pregnant wife, Trinity, whereas Joel collected the eldest brother, Wallace, and the rest of his family, which included his wife, Eden, and two kids, Spencer and Oliver. Unlike Joel and Bethany, Layton was lanky to the point of being a gangly mess, which was exacerbated by his wispy blond hair. The oldest brother, Wallace, took more after Bethany. Like her, his hair fell somewhere between a ruddy copper and a strawberry blond, with some loose curls scattered throughout. However, as he kept his hair trim, they were less obvious than Bethany’s.
As they drove, they all sang carols together. “I think Michael Bublé’s Christmas songs are my favorite,” said Bethany. “I know he’s not necessarily the best singer, but he’s just so, I dunno, fun!”
“Fair enough,” said her dad, “but I’m bit old school. Gimme Sinatra or Crosby and I’m happy.”
“Josh Groban for me,” said her mom. “I mean I love all the others too but like the way he holds that note in ‘O Holy Night’ gives me shivers.”
“Mom, are you sure you aren’t just favoring him unfairly because his rendition of ‘O Come All Ye Faithful’ featured a Mormon choir?” asked Layton.
“Sure! That helps too!” she said defensively. “And hey, based on our plans this evening, it’s not like Mormon musicians are something to be frowned upon.” The rest of the group murmured their enthusiastic agreement. “But yeah I really do like his music! And his ‘Drummer Boy’ is actually not boring.”
“Wait wait wait,” said Isaiah. “Are you seriously choosing Groban’s drummer boy over the ‘Peace on Earth’ version with Bing Crosby and David Bowie?”
“Speaking of rock stars,” said Layton, “Trinity and I definitely favor the pop-rock side of Christmas.”
“So true!” said Trinity. “I’m all about Mariah Carey, whereas he’s played John Lennon’s ‘Happy Christmas / War Is Over’ so many times that when I give birth the baby will probably be able to sing it!”
“Well wouldn’t that be something!” said Bethany. “All right, we’re here! He said he’d be waiting for us in front of the concert hall. It’s about a ten-minute walk. Shall we?”
Once the full family had their cars secured in the parking lot and they had their winter hats and gloves on, they made their way to meet Tristan.
Tristan was dressed as usual, only with the addition of a black overcoat, black gloves, hand-knitted black scarf, and sturdy black winter boots. “Well if it isn’t the Ballard clan!” he said in his usual sharp yet sultry tenor. He extended his hand to Isaiah first. “You are Bethany’s father, I presume?”
“Yes! Isaiah Ballard. Pleasure to make your acquaintance, Mr. Blackwood.”
“‘Tristan’ shall suffice, Mr. Ballard.”
“Well if I’m going to call you ‘Tristan’ you’d best believe I’m having you call me Isaiah!”
Bethany beamed as Tristan met the rest of her family. He’s such an oddball when you think about it, she thought, but I suppose he really is sweet enough after all.
“So, who’s going to tell me about this concert we are about to enjoy?”
“Wallace will take care of that,” said Eden, rolling her eyes. In a lower voice: “He totally has a crush on her.”
“What? I, whaaaa?” replied Wallace, averting his eyes. He cleared his throat. “So, yes, anyway... Lindsey Stirling is an incredibly gifted YouTube star. She’s a violinist who has created her own genre of music combining classical violin with dance and electronic music. She will literally dance like crazy while playing. It’s really something. More importantly, she released a really great Christmas album not long ago, and now that the season’s in full swing, she’s doing a Christmas tour. Also, she’s a Mormon.”
“Which I’m sure she’ll remind us of several times throughout the show,” muttered Joel, rolling his eyes.
“Ain’t nothin wrong with praisin’ Jesus!” said Eden. “Uh, no offense, Tristan.”
“None taken,” he said chuckling. “It’s hardly my place to judge.”
Well, that’s a lie, thought Bethany, simultaneously bemused and amused, but he’s being polite and not remotely condescending, so I’ll take the win.
“Besides,” continued Tristan, “I am honored to be included. Bethany is exceptionally and uniquely important to me.” He took her hand, his eyes twinkling behind his pink and black sunglasses.
“Shall we go inside?” suggested Trinity. “I really need to tinkle.”
“By the way,” Tristan said quietly to Bethany. “Your brother Joel. Doesn’t he look like...?”
“Yukon Cornelius? Yes.”
“Actually I was going to go for Hagrid as a ginger, but your answer is better, so let’s stick to that.”
* * *
“Well, I’d say that was a success and a half,” said Bethany to Tristan once they were alone later than night. The house was big enough for everybody to comfortably have two to a room (the three couples, the two kids, and Joel was bulky enough to count for two)
“Agreed,” said Tristan. “I’m surprised I was not more familiar with her work prior to this. I shall have to investigate her further when the opportunity arises.”
“And here I thought you were immune to the wiles of skinny girls,” teased Bethany.
“Hardly,” said Tristan, “but she does have a rare talent, and a refreshing creative streak. I admire any human who is true to his or herself, as she very clearly is.”
“You say human as if other humans are somehow distinct from you,” said Bethany.
“Aren’t they?”
“You know, I can never tell if you’re serious or if you’re messing with me,” she said. Bethany gave him a kiss. “So tomorrow, dinner at your sister’s house! How do you think she’s going to manage?”
She’ll be fine. It’s Orson who will have to do all the work. But even then, I imagine she will have it catered anyway.”
“I don’t doubt it,” said Bethany. She kissed him again. “I’ll see you tomorrow, my darling.”
“And you,” he said. They embraced tightly.
* * *
Colleen had not just catered the dinner as Tristan had predicted, she hired an entire wait staff. At first, Bethany felt slightly uncomfortable with the garish display of wealth, but then when she saw that both Fernando and Orson had seats as well, it brightened her mood.
The catering company had set up a sort of mini-buffet in her kitchen with a half a dozen potential entrees and at least a dozen sides, not to mention the small salad bar. No alcohol was served on account of the Ballard family making up the majority of the group, but Bethany distinctly noted that Colleen was well-armed with a bottle of peppermint schnapps and a flask that was evidently filled with high-end rum.
That said, Colleen was definitely a hit with her family. Her brash, dry sense of humor was refreshing for them. Trinity nearly wet herself when Colleen explained that her favorite Christmas movies were How the Grinch Stole Christmas and A Christmas Carol, adding, “although I was no longer able to identify with the central characters toward the ends of their respective stories.”
“I thought the Jim Carrey Christmas Carol is underrated,” said Joel. “Though I wasn’t especially fond of his Grinch.”
“Well at least he was properly grim in that one,” said Colleen. “This new Cumber-bun one makes him seem positively jolly compared to what the good Mr. Geisel intended.”
“Did you just say Cumber-bun?” said Bethany.
“Bun, Patch, Batch, whatever,” dismissed Colleen.
“However we say his name,” said Bethany, “I do find myself agreeing with Colleen. As to my own favorite Christmas movie,” said Bethany, stroking her chin, “I think it might be a tie between the original Rankin-Bass Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, co-starring our very own Joel Ballard—”
“You’re never going to let that die, are you?” said a mentally exhausted Joel.
“Oh never,” confirmed Bethany. “And the other one would maybe be Arthur Christmas.”
“Isn’t Arthur that little artichoke creature?” asked Layton.
“Artichoke??” the rest of the ballads said in unison.
“Oh—jeez, come on, you know I meant anteater. They both begin with ‘A.’”
“Not an anteater either, honey,” said Trinity.
“Armadillo?” he tried.
“Sweety I’m pretty sure Arthur is an aardvark,” said Trinity.
“SAME THING THEY’RE ALL PENGUINS.”
“Okay wait what?” said Wallace.
“SHUT UP I NEED MORE TO EAT.” Layton shuffled up to get more food.
Trinity ruled her eyes. “He’s been working extra hard lately. It took everything I had to drag him away. Plus I think he’s stressed due to my passenger,” she added, rubbing her pregnant belly. “Here’s to hoping I hold out long enough so that Christmas doesn’t overlap too closely with his birthday!” Everyone laughed.
“So Tristan,” said Isaiah. “the other day, we were talking about our favorite Christmas songs, now we’re on movies. You have one of either or each?”
“Well,” said Tristan. “I’m not exactly conventional when it comes to my favorites.” He paused. “Even if my taste is impeccable.” They laughed. “Okay, so for song, I’m going to have to go with ‘Fairytale of New York’ by The Pogues. Beautiful melody and quite Irish.”
“Oh I love that song!” said Eden.
“Leave it to Tristan to adore the only Christmas song to contain the words ‘slut’ and ‘faggot,’” muttered Colleen.
Bethany elbowed her sharply. “Hey! Language at the table!”
“It’s my table!” whined Colleen.
“And for movie,” said Tristan. “Batman Returns.”
“Oof, good choice,” said Wallace. “Not gonna lie, I prefer that one over the first one from 1989.”
“Excuse me?” said Isaiah.
Wallace shrugged. “Unpopular opinion but I think Jack Nicholson’s Joker kinda stunk.” This led to an uproar from half the table.
“Oh, and I suppose you also prefer Home Alone 2 over Home Alone?” demanded Isaiah.
“I do,” said Bethany.
“WHAT?”
“What can I say?” she said. “I love New York and the traps were funnier.”
“Orson, help me out here,” said Isaiah. “Home Alone 1 or 2 for you?”
“Well I’ve always been partial to 3 and 4,” Orson said, but he couldn’t hide his smile. “Kidding! Kidding of course. Frankly sir, the charm of the original can’t be replaced, and the second one may be a slight rehashing of the original, but I still believe in the fortitude of both.”
“I like Gremlins,” said Fernando, pleased with himself.
“Explains why he sleeps with my sister,” muttered Tristan to Bethany, who snorted into her food.
“What was that?” asked Colleen.
“I was just saying how I like that both Fernando and I enjoy Christmas movies that aren’t conventional,” said Tristan.
“I’m sure,” said Colleen, bitterly.
Dinner wound down and they made their way to the living room. The Ballards tried to help clean, but the servers insisted that everybody enjoy themselves. And so everybody was in the living room, chatting about. Bethany stood back and beamed, thrilled to see her family getting along so well not just with one another but also with Tristan and the others.
Colleen sidled up next to her. “So. You brought your whole family out to meet your golden king,” she said placidly.
“I suppose so,” said Bethany.
“I guess that means it’s getting serious between you two.”
“I think we’re past the point of it getting serious,” teased Bethany, winking.
Colleen eyed her. “I see,” she said. She finished her peppermint schnapps and carelessly dropped the bottle on the floor. Luckily, it didn’t break, and with Christmas tunes blaring and everybody talking, nobody noticed. But Bethany had seen Colleen like this before, and knew that uncomfortable territory was approaching.
“Okey dokey,” said Bethany. “Let’s maybe take a pause? Maybe a little glass of water?”
Colleen simply stared Bethany down, so many thoughts and feelings swirling in her eyes that Bethany could hardly read her. “So you say you were a virgin before meeting Tristan, is that correct?”
“Uh, sure,” said Bethany slowly. Yup. We are DEFINITELY into uncomfortable territory.
“Hmm.” Colleen withdrew her flask from her blazer and poured rum into her eggnog. “I hear that rape victims who were virgins at the time of their assault still consider themselves virgins. Was this your experience?”
Bethany took an abrupt step back, an alarmed expression on her face. “Colleen are you—” She paused, looking around wildly, then took a step closer, continuing through her teeth. “Are you asking if I’ve been raped?!”
“Of course that’s what I’m asking.” She took a swig from her eggnog.
“No! No I have not been raped!” Bethany whispered wide-eyed through her teeth.
“And according to my parents, neither was I, yet here we are.”
Bethany blinked, startled. “Excuse me?”
“Well things have surely gotten a bit better for ladies, I suppose, but much of the same arguments still abound. Was it really rape if I voluntarily drank that much? Was it really rape if the outfit that I thought was merely pretty was deemed overly revealing? Was it really rape if my parents had forbidden me from going to that party in the first place? Was it really rape if he was so handsome and popular tha
t every girl threw themselves at him? Oh yes, Bradley Kershaw was always considered tall dark and handsome by every girl at school, be they cheerleader or writers for the school paper. Even the self-proclaimed dykes craned their heads when he walked by. And after all,” she took a big gulp from her eggnog. “Boys will be boys, isn’t that right?”
“Why are you telling me this?” asked Bethany, her voice shaking horribly. “And why now?”
“Well, after I was not-raped, my parents hid me away for a while. In fact, the whole family went away for a year abroad, where nobody would recognize us, during a time in which posting every other meal on social media wasn’t even explored in the wildest of science fiction melodramas. Of course, an abortion was out of the question, and while my father was less than thrilled to have a French OBGYN—French! could you imagine!—we certainly couldn’t afford to have people talking, now could we? So I return a year later, with a baby ‘brother’ who has none of my parents’ coloring.”
Tears were running down Bethany’s eyes as Colleen casually guzzled her eggnog. “It’s remarkable how similar Tristan Looks to Bradley. Not that I ever saw Bradley again. I was sent to a girls’ boarding school upon my return. And look at Tristan now. Just like Bradley, nobody can resist his charms.” She eyed Bethany accusingly. “Not even my supposedly innocent neighbor.” She finished her eggnog and set it down, now drinking the rum directly from the flask. “Be a lamb and keep this between us girls. Tristan certainly doesn’t need to know. Now does he?” With that, Colleen sauntered upstairs, leaving Bethany shaken and crying.
“Everything okay?” asked Tristan, approaching from behind her.
Bethany quickly wiped her eyes, and strained a false smile before turning around. “Sure! Your sister just had too much to drink so she’s heading upstairs,” she said.
Tristan snorted. “To think that such an alcoholic would find her drinking limit at a Christmas party among Mormons,” he laughed, shaking his head. “Come now, back to the festivities.”
And so Bethany went through the motions, but there was lead in her chest. Oh no, oh no, she thought to herself. Colleen is his mom and I’ve been sworn to secrecy! But how can I keep this from him? What am I going to do?
And so the fake smile carried on through to the end of the party, and Bethany was no closer to knowing what the correct move would be.
