by Asha Lemmie
“I didn’t like it at first,” he said with a chuckle. “It was awfully difficult. But once I realized how happy it can make people . . . I was never good enough to be professional, of course, but I love children, so, you know, I pass the joy on.”
She caught herself staring at his lips. His perfect pink lips. Nori sat on her hands to stop herself reaching out to him.
She looked away. “I think that’s time.”
He smirked at her. “It was time an hour ago. I was wondering when you’d notice.”
She flushed. “I didn’t want to interrupt.”
He nodded. “So, Nori. Are you going to marry me or not?”
She bristled. “Don’t joke.”
“I’m not joking,” he said simply.
She rose from her seat and smoothed her skirt. “No.”
He nodded, unperturbed. He’d expected this.
“Maybe tomorrow, then.”
Nori pressed a hand to her mouth and walked away.
* * *
The days rolled together. She’d stopped counting.
Christmas came and went, with Nori getting three new dresses from Alice, a pearl necklace from George, and a handmade card from the girls.
Alice was busy and happy, throwing herself into decorating the nursery upstairs. She was confident she would conceive again soon. This time, it would be a boy. This time, surely, he would live.
Nori was grateful for her friend’s distraction. Whatever this thing was between her and Noah, it was growing harder for her to hide.
He got her two sugarplums and something called a pasty, which was quite good.
Though she did not wish to encourage his affections, she made him a scarf from gold yarn.
She knitted constantly, to quiet her thoughts.
The two of them took long walks in the snow, with their heads bowed against the wind, saying nothing. He wrapped his arm around her waist, and she did her best not to think how warm he made her feel.
He made her feel safe. And that was a luxury she had so rarely known.
They talked about music often, and she could see his idolatry of her slowly shift into something deeper.
Against her will, she told him everything. She even told him about William. It was the only time she’d seen him truly angry, but he had reluctantly agreed not to tell anyone.
Every night, at the end of their fireside chats, he would ask her to marry him.
She would say no, he would nod, and that would be that.
He never tried to kiss her, though she could tell that he yearned to by the way he held his body very close to hers. Their hands would rest half an inch apart, their eyes would meet, and it would feel just like a caress. She felt shameless before him, full of a wild desire that she had never known, had never even contemplated.
Nori knew she had to stop this. There was no future for it, none at all.
She would not be his whore, and she could not be his wife—society wouldn’t stand for it, even if the law allowed it—so what was there? What end to this was there but disaster? Had her mother’s treacherous lover and William not been enough warning?
If she had the sense that God gave a goldfish, she’d tell him plainly that they could never be and that if he continued to persist, she would have him sent straight back to the countryside.
In fact, she had resolved to tell him this a great many times. But never could.
Noah had tapped into her secret, shameful need to be wanted. She was drunk on his attentions; she reveled in his love of her skin and hair like it was salve on a lifelong burn.
She had brief snippets where she could see herself through his eyes. And there was so much beauty there it brought her to tears.
All her life she’d felt like an elephant lumbering among delicate things.
But in his honest gaze, she was no longer the elephant. She was the swan.
The days drew to a close, and though they had long given up the facade of “ten minutes,” she knew that eventually, he would tell her the words she lived in perpetual terror of hearing.
Because she had to tell him no. And that would break his heart and she found that she truly, truly didn’t want to do that.
She did care for him. As much denial as she cloaked herself in just to survive, she was forced to admit it.
He was tenderhearted, honest, generous, and full of laughter. He was more mature than his years, but still brimming with idealism. He was a wonderful person. And he fit neatly inside the tumbled mess of her psyche.
It just felt like he belonged.
But Nori was quite sure she was incapable of the love he deserved. Her heart had been snatched from her chest on the side of a dark road.
As they rang in the New Year of 1965, Nori made sure that she was well out of sight. Alice had filled the house with well-dressed strangers, and Nori had no desire to be gaped at like a circus attraction.
High in the branches of a tree, she hid.
She’d hiked her black dress up and left her shoes on the ground. It wasn’t ladylike, but it worked.
Everywhere in the world there were trees. She was immensely grateful to them for their constancy.
Someone called her name. She took a firm hold of a sturdy branch before looking down.
It was Noah, wearing a thick winter coat and the scarf she’d given him.
She contemplated staying right where she was.
“Come down or I’ll come up after you,” he shouted playfully. “And I can’t climb, so I’ll probably crack my skull open.”
She knew he wouldn’t, but she came down anyway. She moved with practiced ease, swinging down from branch to branch until she landed before him with a thud.
He smiled at her. “Nori.”
And just the way he said her name made her want to run. “Noah . . .”
He held up a hand. “I have ten more minutes.”
He looked at her, and she could tell from the warm light in his eyes that they had come to it: the inevitable conclusion. She knew what he would say, and she knew what she must say back to him.
The noise from inside faded away, and the only sound was the wind rustling through the trees and the obnoxiously loud beat of her heart. “Don’t,” she whispered, but even as she spoke she knew there was no stopping it.
“I’m in love with you.” There. He had said it.
Don’t. Please don’t.
He gave her a soft smile. He looked sad. “I know you wish that I wasn’t,” he said. “I wish that I wasn’t too. But I am. I’m in love with you, Nori, and it isn’t going to change. I was in love with you yesterday. And I’ll be in love with you tomorrow.”
Don’t.
“I don’t expect you to say anything,” he continued. “I know you think that I only love you because you’re beautiful. And you are, Nori. But that’s not why. I’m not a child—I don’t worship you. I see you for what you are. And I know that you’re stubborn, that you have blind spots the size of mountains. I know that you want one thing one day and the very opposite the next. I know that you have no idea who you are or what you want to be. I know you think life is over for you because your brother is gone, and you’re just filling the time until you die. And I know you think that I’m just a boy who is too blind to see all of that.” She really couldn’t breathe now. The wind picked up and she felt herself sway.
Noah took her hand, and she was too stunned to do anything about it.
“But I also know that I love the way you hum in the mornings,” he went on, and though his hand was shaking his voice was not. “I love the way your curls refuse to lie down on one side some days. I love the way you think that honey is better than diamonds. I love how tender you are towards all God’s creatures. I love your sharp mind and your enduring heart. I love . . . God, I love everything about you, Nori. Even the things I wish I didn’t, I d
o. I love you more than . . . anything I ever could have dreamed of. And that’s how I know it’s real, what I feel for you. Because I never could have imagined anything like this. I never could have imagined you.” He let go of her hand. His beautiful face was a strained mask. He kissed her, just once, and she felt a deep pulse in the very core of her being.
“Marry me,” he said.
Her mouth opened and closed and no sound came out.
“If you won’t have me, I’ll have to go,” he said quietly. “There’s no point in trying not to see you. You’re everything to me.”
He smiled at her one last time and went back inside the house.
Nori sank to the ground and buried her face in her hands.
Go after him.
Get up. Get up.
But she could not.
* * *
The next morning, it was Alice who found her sitting by the fire in the study, staring at nothing.
“Noah’s packing,” she said. “Can you tell me why?”
Nori let out a small groan.
Alice sat beside her. “He told you he loves you, didn’t he?”
She nodded.
Alice took her hand. “Ah, my dear. You must have known.”
“But why did he have to say so?” she burst out. “Because now he has to leave and I don’t want him to leave.”
Alice stroked her hair. “But you love him too.”
Nori did not deny it. “You told me he was a poor nothing,” she scoffed. “That he was beneath me.”
“Oh, he is. But I think he is a good man. And I think your brother would have liked him.”
There was no higher praise.
Nori shut her eyes. “I can’t handle this,” she said bluntly. “I am incapable of it, Alice. Really. I can deal with injustice. I can deal with tragedy. I can deal with loss.”
“But you can’t deal with the idea that maybe it’s time for you to be happy?” Alice said gently. “That terrifies you so much that you’re willing to lose him?”
She bit her lip so hard that she tasted blood. “I don’t know.”
“Well, you had best figure it out. He’s asked if I’d have my driver drop him at the train station.”
“Tell me what to do,” Nori begged. “Alice, you know things about love. You know about men. Tell me what I should do.”
Alice sighed. “My dear, I cannot tell you what to do. It’s your path to walk. I have mine already. You are welcome to live your entire life as a part of mine, if that’s what you wish. But you must ask yourself, truly . . . if there’s any piece of you that wishes for more.”
Nori shook her head. “But what if I choose wrong?”
Alice smiled and kissed her cheek. “No matter what you choose,” she whispered, “I will always love you. And you will always have a home with me.”
* * *
Nori waited for him at the foot of the back staircase.
He came down, wearing his coat and clutching a small suitcase. It struck her that everything he owned in the world was inside.
He looked at her with a calm face. “Do move,” he said, pleasantly enough. “I’m expected.”
She swallowed the lump of air in her throat. “Please don’t go.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Why?”
“I don’t want you to go,” she said weakly. She knew what he wanted to hear, but she could not say it.
“Not good enough.”
“Noah!” she cried. “I’m trying!”
“Try harder,” he said simply. “I won’t accept half of you.”
She planted her feet and spread her arms so that he could not get around her. “Don’t be so stubborn!”
“Look who’s talking,” he scoffed. “You have kept me at arm’s length at every chance, and now you command me to stay.”
“I’m asking you,” she croaked. “I have no commands to give. I’m asking you not to leave me.”
He put down his suitcase and crossed his arms. “Why should I stay?”
She began to gesture wildly with her hands, as if they could convey what her words could not. “The girls adore you. And there is nothing for you in Cornwall now, you said so yourself. And you . . . well, you . . .”
He sighed. “If this is all you have to say, Nori, I have a train to catch.”
Gently, so gently, he pushed her aside. She turned to stare at his back, and it hit her, full force, what a familiar sight this was. The back of someone she loved.
Be brave.
She flung herself at him, wrapping her arms around his waist.
“Stay,” she whispered.
She felt the tears sliding down her cheeks.
“I love you, Noah. I love you with everything that is left of my heart.”
He turned to face her and cradled her face in his hands.
“Ah, my love. Now, was that so hard?”
She choked back a sob. “Don’t leave. Don’t ever leave me.”
He kissed her. “I won’t.”
And the strangest thing happened then: Nori believed him.
“So are you going to marry me or not?”
She laughed as he hoisted her up high in his arms. “Maybe tomorrow.”
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
CHRYSANTHEMUM
London, England
May 1965
The dress was made. Alice had hired an army of seamstresses to craft an ivory number that paid homage to a kimono, with long bell sleeves and a plunging neck.
The venue was set—a small chapel nestled in the ruins of a castle. Charlotte was thrilled and demanded that she be the one to choose the bridesmaids’ dresses, while Matilda, who was just learning to argue, insisted that the duty should go to her instead.
Alice was debating with George over which of their many country houses they should assign the newlyweds to live in. Noah would be promoted to George’s private secretary, with a substantial income boost.
Nori was grateful, but in truth paid little attention to any of it. She was constantly intoxicated, nothing more than yearning sinew and aching bones. On those rare occasions she could drag herself out of Noah’s arms, all she wanted to do was dream.
Her happiness was complete.
Well, almost.
There was something missing. There would always be something missing. But she knew he would have been happy to see this.
It was in these sunny days that she finally told Noah about the diaries.
For whatever reason, she had been holding on to this secret. This and one other thing—she had never spoken about the night Akira died. Nor would she. Ever.
She took his hand and led him to sit on the stone bench beneath the birch trees, with the branches fanning out over their heads like protective halos.
The last of her mother’s diaries, which she had never finished, lay heavy in her lap.
Noah looked at her with his honest blue gaze. “So why have you not read it?”
She waved a hand as if to say that there were thousands of reasons. He snatched it out of the air and kissed it.
“Is it that you are afraid that your mother will talk about your father?” he asked simply. “Or that she will talk about you?”
Nori fidgeted. “I read them because I wanted to know who she was. Before me. I never wanted to know who she was after. There must be a reason I can’t remember. Maybe I’m not meant to know.”
“Do you think she hated you?” Noah asked, with that country bluntless that she hated and loved so very much. “Do you think she will say that she hated you?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, obviously you must read it, then. Come on, I’ll sit here with you.”
She gave him a pained expression. She could not bring herself to tell him that it took her hours to read one line, days to read one passage, months t
o read one full entry. This journey through her mother’s past was like a very steep climb. She had always done it carefully.
And now Noah wanted her to just read it.
He laughed at her pout. “Come, come, love. You wouldn’t have told me if you didn’t want to read it. You’ve always wanted to know, but you doubted that you could bear it. After your brother . . .”
“Please don’t,” she whispered through numb lips.
“I only mean that without him, you could not risk it.”
“Risk what?”
He squeezed her hand. “Anything.”
She looked away. “Oh, Noah.”
He smiled that enchanting smile of his. “But I’m here now,” he said brightly. “So you can put your past to rest, and the future is all ours.”
She shook her head. “I can’t read this with you here.”
“Of course you can,” he teased. “I’m to be your husband. You can’t hide from me, Nori. You really must stop that.”
He chided her as an optimist to a cynic, and she knew that there was no point in arguing with him. Besides, she did not want to disappoint him. She had grown protective of his joyful spirit, as one should always be protective of rare and delicate things.
And he was right: she was ready now to face whatever lay inside these pages.
“Fine,” she conceded, ignoring the frantic pounding of her heart. “But you must turn away. I really can’t do it if you stare. And I may take my time.”
He beamed at her. “I’ll go up in the tree,” he promised. “I won’t come down until you summon me.”
“You can’t climb trees, my love,” she said warmly.
“I have been practicing. Soon I will catch up to you, and where will you hide from me then?”
He stood up and leaned down to kiss her tenderly on the mouth. “I love you,” he said simply.
Her cheeks blazed; she could feel the heat from her collarbone to her forehead.
“I love you too,” she whispered.
She took the diary and retreated to a small corner of the garden, sinking down into the damp grass.
