Accidentally...Cimil?

by Mimi Jean Pamfiloff

  His hot, wet tongue slid down the side of my neck, and I felt the scrape of his teeth. “I want to bite you, I want to taste you.”

  He could have said he wanted to shave my head or wear my panties, and I would’ve agreed. The erotic tension was at its peak. Just a few more pushes and… “Anything, anything you want, just don’t…”

  He thrust forward one more time, and my body combusted with shock wave after shock wave of orgasmic pulses. I couldn’t breathe or move a muscle. Tiny flickers of light danced across my vision, and my heart thumped wildly inside my chest. Oh my gods, that was so magnificent.

  “I cannot resist. I must taste you,” Roberto said. I suddenly felt the sharp prick of his fangs.

  In that moment, my mind kicked in. What am I doing? “Get off me!” I pushed as hard as I could, releasing a burst of pain.

  Roberto had not been expecting it because he flew across the room and landed with a hard thump against the opposite wall. Several paintings and a beveled mirror crashed to the floor. Oh, well, they were Philippe’s.

  Stunned, Roberto shook his head. “Why did you do that?

  “I was finished.” I shrugged and smiled.

  He sifted in front of me, clearly unhappy. “Well, I am not.” He reached for the hem of my neckline, looking like he was about to tear my dress in two.

  I held up my hand. “Back off, stalker. You haven’t even made it halfway through the Cimi challenge. And a deal is a deal.”

  “But I—”

  “Nope.” I crossed my arms. “Touch me and the deal is off.”

  “You are evil and cruel.” He scowled.

  “Prrrreetty much.” Gods, this was so much fun! I wanted to do a disco dance and chant that I’d gotten my fortune cookie and he hadn’t. “But knowing you, you’ll have a new woman in your bed before sundown. Oops. I forgot. You like them in threes. One to screw. One to kill. And one to drink from. Or is that two to kill and one to screw. So confusing.”

  Unchecked rage simmered in his eyes, but he managed to take a step back. “What is my challenge today?”

  “Today…” You’ve been extra naughty. What shall it be? What shall it be? “You will tattoo my face on your back.”

  “Vampires cannot be tattooed. Our skin is far too tough for a needle to penetrate.”

  I flicked my wrist. “No one said my challenges would be easy. Off you go! And don’t return until you’ve completed the task.” I turned away, covering my mouth.

  He growled. “Until tomorrow.”

  Gosh. This was getting super fun.

  * * *

  The next night, Roberto did not return for another task. Nor did he return the evening after. “I guess he gave up?” said Other-me.

  I looked up from my book, The Art of Whore, written by that crazy vampire queen. She really made me feel better about myself.

  “Pfff,” I grumbled. “Not likely. He’s a stubborn, arrogant fool.”

  “Cimiiil,” Roberto growled from behind.

  Right on cue! I looked at the grandfather clock in the corner. “A little late, aren’t we?”

  “I had to sift all the way to India to find a man they call the Needle.”

  The Needle? Hell, that sounded scary, even for me. I turned my back. “Good for you. But you’ve lost. The deal was one challenge every day. You’ve missed two days.”

  Roberto ripped off his white linen shirt and turned around. “Look at it. Do you have any idea how painful this was?”

  I turned and gasped. “You have a full portrait of me on your back… riding on Minky?”

  I. Love. It. It was the finest work of art I’d ever seen. And adding Minky was most certainly an extra-special touch.

  “It’s horrible,” I spouted. “My nose looks funny.” Again, I gave him my back and returned to my book, feigning disinterest.

  Roberto made a weird little noise. I imagined it was the sound of a vampire about to detonate. “You said one challenge for each day. You never said I had to do them one at a time, one day at a time.”

  “True.” I made a little shrug. This was far too fun to quit now. “I suppose you can have three challenges.”

  Roberto stood tall. “I am ready.”

  “Great. You will go out and buy me the finest villa Spain has to offer. Then you will go to the town square, proclaim your stupidity, and declare your undying love for me.”

  A flicker of a grin touched his lips, as if I were ridiculous for believing these tasks would come close to challenging him. “Done.”

  “Dressed as a naked clown,” I added.

  His mini-grin melted away.

  “And,” I said, “after you’ve done that, you will donate all of your wealth to charity.”

  “What?” he barked. “Are you mad? Do you have any idea, woman, how much money I have accumulated over four thousand seven hundred years?”

  I turned my head away, fighting a smile. Vampires were notorious hoarders of wealth—like me! Taking away their money was like removing a limb.

  “You do not have to do any of these things,” I pointed out. “You may quit at any time.”

  I heard the sound of his teeth grinding away inside his jaw. “I do not know the meaning of the word quit.”

  “Sure. Just like you didn’t quit us,” I mumbled under my breath. “Ass.”

  “I did not quit us. You left!” he roared.

  I popped up from the couch. “Left? Is that what you think, you moron? I didn’t leave. I died! That little fucker Mitnal plucked out my heart and used it to save you! To make you!”

  “You lie,” he growled.

  I stomped my foot. “Lie? I fought for twelve months to return to you. I was eaten by a shark! A fucking shark! Then I had to steal a fishing boat. Three times! Do you have any idea how hard it is to find fishing boats with a monkey’s ass of a chance of crossing an ocean? Do you? Impossible! That’s why they all sank! I had to swim the last thousand miles across the freezing Atlantic because someone had taken my Minky, and there was no other way. But I didn’t care. I was worried sick that that bastard was doing something horrible to you!”

  “Y-y-you didn’t leave me?” he stuttered.

  I gave him a push as bitter memories flooded my mind. “No!”

  He stepped back with cold eyes. “I see.”

  “Do you? Do you see, Roberto?” I fumed. “Because if you did, you’d know that I would have faced banishment to save you.”

  Other-me tsked in the background.

  Well, to hell with her! Err… me! Whatever. I was doing the best I could, but everyone had their breaking point.

  He turned for the door and then paused. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I didn’t know. Mitnal said you’d left me, that you’d planned to have me turned into a monster all along. The gods’ revenge for my arrogance. I killed him for saying that.”

  “Well, thank the Universe for small favors, but you’re a fool to have believed I’d work with Mitnal.”

  “Am I? I know what you’ve been up to, Cimil. I know you taught Mitnal’s disciples to use their dark gifts. You created the Maaskab. And the Obscuros.” Yes. They were two of the world’s most evil forces. The Maaskab, the twisted, powerful disciples of Mitnal and masters of dark energy. And the Obscuros, vampires who believed that innocent humans were their personal treats.

  “So what if I did?” I walked over to the couch and sat with my back to him.

  Just like all those millennia ago, he didn’t trust me. But if he’d bother to see me for who I was, he would know that I was loyal and good-hearted. There was a method to my evil, mad ways. Those ways forced me to do things I felt were wrong. It was slowly driving me insane, tearing me up, piece by piece, leaving me with only my faith to lean on. Even that was on its very last legs.

  “I know you are evil, Cimil. Why do you think I waited so long to see you? I did not want to face the possibility that my heart might belong to someone so horrible and cruel. Someone who only seeks to counter all that I fight for. However, my cold heart wants
what it wants. I had no choice but to accept my feelings and try to understand them. But believe me, I do not want to love you. Not when I know what you are or that my love cannot change a being like you.”

  My head nearly swiveled off my neck. “This coming from the king of vampires? You think you’re better than me? You’ve killed thousands of people, innocent people.”

  “In my early years, yes. I was reckless. But I have long since learned the errors of my way. I created the Pact to protect the innocent mortals from my kind. I created an army to fight my brother Philippe and the Obscuros. So you should not judge me, Cimil.”

  Well, la-di-da! Look, I’m a supercool Ancient One who can do nice things and isn’t cursed with being the bringer of the apocalypse! “Well. Maybe you should not judge me.”

  “How can I not?”

  “If you bothered to look at what’s inside you—a piece of my actual soul—you might find your answer.”

  Roberto left and a ton of emotional bricks came crashing down. Why did he have such a grip on me?

  For the second time in my existence, I cried. And for the second time, Roberto was gone. I hoped for good.

  Chapter Nine

  The next day I packed my things from the town house. I would leave before sundown and try to finally move on with my life. Which, I realized, was something I hadn’t done.

  I know I mentioned this before, but time isn’t the same for a deity as it is for a human. For us, a year feels like a second. A decade feels like a day—unless you’re trapped by a tribe of randy midgets in the Amazon, hell-bent on keeping you as a love slave because they believe you’re the Goddess of Eternal Pleasure. But I digress. Point is, although thousands of years had passed, my heart—the metaphorical one—hadn’t healed.

  But now it would. It had to. After all, I had love matches to make and a world to save. Neither of which were going so well. Other-me remained, which meant I was still dead in the future, which meant I hadn’t accomplished squat. Probably because I wasn’t making any progress with my brethren. Not one of them had fallen in love.

  Take my brother K’ak, for example. Although he was the quiet sort, he radiated with an internal strength the ladies adored. They couldn’t keep their hands off his long, flowing silver-streaked hair or that giant jade headdress he wore. So naturally, when I began my search for a mate, I looked for a woman who shared his love of jewels, knew how to wield a brush, and took comfort in silence. I visited every major city, every wealthy and powerful family, every brothel. I finally found the perfect woman for him, a gypsy with a full set of gold teeth. But sadly, she was human, so I planned to have her turned into a vampire once I confirmed K’ak’s interest. After all, humans and deities weren’t compatible physically. All went according to plan—K’ak was smitten; she was gaga over him—but the moment I had her vampirized, it fell apart. She became bitchy and demanding. K’ak dumped her after a week.

  I tried the same experiment with Ah-Celiz, the God of Eclipses, and with Akna, the Goddess of Fertility; however, the results were the same. Once a human lost their humanity, my brethren lost interest. I seemed to be the only deity with a vampire fetish.

  Well, as they say in Mexico, “Menos burros, más elotes.” Less donkeys means more corn. Yes, yes. In this analogy, I’m the ass, and the vampires are the corn.

  Anyhoo, I needed to find another solution.

  With my footmen on my heels and bags loaded onto the carriage, I stepped out my front door onto the bustling street filled with afternoon shoppers, merchants, and the usual hodgepodge of soldiers and beggars. But the moment the foul stench of humanity filled my nostrils, something triggered me to stop. There was a subtle sweetness lingering in the air. The smell of…

  “Minky?” I whipped my head from side to side. A gentle neigh to my right caught my attention. “Minky! It’s you!” There, tied to a tree—of course, no one could see her but me—was my precious Minky. She was so beautiful. Gleaming white. Giant silver uni-horn. I darted over, but before I reached her, a man strolled by within an inch of the tree. She reached out with her soft little lips and chomped down on the base of his neck. Now, the moment she touched him, no one could see—thank the gods for that—but they sure as hell heard. The man screamed like a banshee.

  “Minky! What are you doing?”

  Unsure of what was happening or who was screaming, the people in the street scattered like chickens fleeing a fox. Except my footmen. They just stood there waiting. (I’d compelled them not to notice the bizarre and unusual, which surprisingly left them standing around quite often.) I tried to dislodge the man from Minky’s death grip, but there was a loud crunch as she bit down hard and then it was too late. Minky let the man drop to the ground and licked her bloody lips.

  “Minky! What have you done?”

  She looked at me with her giant lavender eyes and made a little shrug.

  I am going to kill that vampire!

  I turned toward my footmen. “Take my things. We’re not going anywhere.”

  * * *

  It took a week, but Narmer did return. Of course, I knew he would. There’s a little thing called stubbornness, and Narmer—errr—Roberto was the king.

  Bastard pharaoh is going to pay for everything he’s done.

  I know you’re thinking I still had the big picture to think about, but ironically, I’d landed exactly where I wanted to be. You see, killing him was what I wanted to do. But while that would have made me feel warm and fuzzy all over, it really wasn’t a just punishment. Long story short, given the “do the opposite” thing mandated by my deceased self from the future, I would have to let him live. When I thought about it, there was no sweeter justice than letting him continue, trapped in his dreary, little life, wondering why after thousands of years he could not forget me. Idiot. He had my light. He’d never be able to forget me. In fact, I planned to give his obsession a little boost. I would show him a slice of heaven and then snatch it away.

  “I know you’re there, Narmer.” He’d been watching me for the last hour as I finished up the last of my gardening.

  I stood up and dusted the dirt from my hands and the front of my pink sundress.

  “Roberto. My name is now Roberto. And if I may ask,” he said, “why are you collecting bugs?”

  I looked down at the wooden bucket at my side. It was dark outside now, but I knew it was crawling with six-legged critters. “Interviewing witnesses.”

  One of my many wild gifts was the ability to transform humans into insects. I hated insects, all those little spindly, wiggly little legs. Ick! So once I cursed someone, they were tossed outside. Unfortunately, I’m not perfect. Once in a while, I lose my temper and transform someone I shouldn’t. Then I’ve got to look for them and try to turn them back. It never works out well.

  Poor, poor Smithy. But I’d warned him not to hurt Minky.

  Yes, but it cannot be easy shoeing an invisible creature.

  “Whatever you say.” Roberto dipped his head.

  I grabbed the bucket and turned for the house. “May I ask why you’re here?”

  He trailed behind me in complete ninja silence. “I have done as you requested.”

  I stopped and turned, remembering to stifle my urge to poke him in the eye. With a spork! “Excellent. However, you do realize that was one week ago—wait…” I plucked a strand of flaming-red hair from his collar. “What’s this?”

  “It is hair from the wig I wore. As I said, I did what you asked.”

  “You dressed like a clown in public, and I missed it? Hell, Narm—Roberto, where’s the fun in that?”

  “A naked clown. I wore only the wig. And your instructions did not include your having to be present. However, there are plenty of challenges left, so if you wish me to repeat the task, you merely need ask. Although…” He scratched his rough, sprouting beard. “You will need to loan me the money to acquire more makeup and another wig.”

  “You really gave up all of your money?”

  He nodded.

&nbs
p; I suddenly had the urge to spank him like a wild woman. With my tongue. While he moaned with excruciating pleasure that only I could deliver.

  “You’re serious?” I asked.

  “Of course. I am a vampire. We are always serious.”

  Oh, that was rich. Or poor. Whichever. This ex-pharaoh probably hadn’t gone one day in his entire life without a legion of servants and enough wealth to support a small kingdom. And he’d given it up for me? Swoon. Sigh. And… melt.

  “What happened to the wig?” I asked.

  “The crowd to which I declared my stupidity and love for you—which I would like to point out did not cast a very flattering light upon you—was more than happy to relieve themselves of their rotten vegetables while I stood there.”

  How had I missed this? And… dammit all to hell! I’m starting to like him again.

  What? No! You hate him. He’s a total cretin!

  “Sounds like fun. So, why are you here again?”

  Roberto followed me inside as I made my way through the kitchen, up the servant staircase and to my quarters on the third floor. “Pepe! Start me a bath, would ya?” I barked. Pepe was one of my hunky manservants.

  Pepe appeared shirtless, rippling, shiny. I sighed with a deep appreciation.

  “Yes, my goddess?” he said, standing tall and firm, like a mighty man-oak.

  Roberto growled. “Why is this man nude? And why have you told him what you are? I understood this to be a secret.”

  I tilted my head, ogling away at Pepe. “He’s not nude. He’s wearing hot pants. You like? I had them custom-made. They’re all the rage in the future. Mostly for women, but I’m egalitarian all the way. For example, during the day, I put Pepe in them to chop wood while I watch. Then I chop his wood.” I sighed for effect. “So entertaining. Almost as fun as when I have him lie down nude while I butter him with coconut oil. It’s called sunbathing.” I looked Roberto over. “You should try it sometime. That pale, pasty vampire skin doesn’t suit you at all.” Roberto used to be one of the yummiest, golden-brown men I knew, like a roasted coffee bean. Now he was the color of lightly toasted bread.

  “Sunbathing. Very amusing, Cimil.”