All of it pushed her nerves to the brink, and she devoured her novels like a starving woman in a bid to stay her thoughts. Torturing herself over her interactions with Will only gave way to her worries over Forrest. She hadn't heard from him in nearly a week, with his last missive assuring them that all was well and he expected to be home soon, but the positive words mattered not one whit with her nerves and body betraying her.
Not even her time alone with her books had provided comfort as usual. The characters on the page had seemed thin, their concerns trivial. Life on the frontier was exhausting. And by the night of the dance, Julie was a nervous wreck.
Despite all that, the spring dance was a success. Or at least it appeared to be in Julie's estimation. The schoolhouse overflowed with the citizens of Gold Sky, and the canvas pavilion hastily erected around the makeshift dance floor for the night spilled over with merrymakers. It was enough to cheer her heart after the stressful week.
Julie breathed in and smiled at the scene of merriment from her position outside the schoolhouse, which was festooned in brightly colored ribbons and lanterns for the occasion, every last window open to the warm breeze of the night.
It was lovely, and she was proud to have played a part in bringing this type of magic to the small town she had come to think of as home.
“Mrs. Wickes-Barnes?” a voice called to her, and she turned to see Rhodes walking toward her with a bucket of ice in his arms.
“Rhodes! Hello there.” She smiled as warmly as she could despite the familiar feeling of nausea making her nervous.
“I was directed to ask you where you would prefer the extra ice.” Rhodes nodded at the large bucket he carried.
“Oh, I thought…” She bit her lip and looked around for Will, who had insisted on organizing all the necessities for refreshments. Her heart plummeted when she spotted him at the center of the dance floor with Rosemary in his arms.
“Ah, that would be around back. Lily said she was setting up the bar there.” Julie strived for nonchalant, but she knew she failed when her smile wavered, and Rhodes’s eyes narrowed at the sight.
His eyes flicked to the dance floor and his lips pressed into a thin line. They stood together in silence for a moment before he turned to her with a worried expression.
“I’m fine,” Julie said, holding up a hand when Rhodes opened his mouth to speak. He snapped it shut with a sigh and gave her a nod.
“I know better than to question a woman when she uses that tone,” he joked, making her blush.
“I’m sorry.” Julie sighed. “I’ve just been rather tired lately. It's been affecting my mood. I didn't mean to use a tone with you, Rhodes."
“It's no worry at all. Would you like me to fetch Will?” He nodded at the dance floor where Will spun a laughing Rosemary. As much as she hated it Julie was able to pick out the other woman’s laugh above the music and chatter of the dance.
Julie shook her head. “No. That won’t be necessary, but thank you, Rhodes. I’ll just come along with you and have a refreshment to perk me up. I'm sure a treat is all I need.”
“If you’re sure,” Rhodes said, but his expression said he was doubtful a cool drink was the answer. She was glad when he didn’t press the issue and she gratefully took a glass of cold lemonade from the refreshment offerings.
Julie idly sipped her drink and continued to watch the dance proceedings under the tent. For a moment she thought about going inside the schoolhouse where there was a plethora of foodstuffs for the evening, but she found the mere thought of food turned her stomach. Food was not something she wanted, even if her corset and dresses were beginning to fit her a tad too loosely.
With a shake of her head, she nursed the sweet drink in her hand, grateful her stomach didn’t object, and walked toward the dance floor. She liked seeing so many happy faces, even if Rosemary’s was one of them, even if the source of the woman's happiness was her very own husband.
Glancing around the dance floor, Julie frowned when she didn’t see the other woman’s familiar figure in the crush of people. Biting her lip, Julie looked for Will. After a few frantic seconds of searching, her body went tight when she realized he was also missing from the celebration. Julie sucked in a deep breath and tried to keep a composed smile on her face while she began to walk the length of the pavilion, her eyes moving furtively over the crowd.
“He just needed to step out for a moment,” she said to herself as she walked. “Nothing to worry about.”
Yet the second time Julie made the circle of the pavilion and even ducked into the schoolhouse for a quick look around, she began to panic. There was no way to stop the flood of adrenaline that had her breath coming short when she could find neither Rosemary nor Will.
It was like they had vanished into thin air.
Julie sighed and walked out toward where the buckboards and horses of visiting families waited, about to give up hope of finding her husband when she heard Rosemary’s voice from somewhere nearby.
Holding her breath, Julie poked her head around the buckboard she had been leaning against and frowned when she didn’t see anyone immediately. She could clearly make out the agitated tones in Rosemary’s voice, so she crept forward.
“That doesn’t mean anything,” Rosemary exclaimed.
Julie stepped around the buckboard, careful not to make any heavy sounds, and felt her breath catch when she finally caught sight of the couple. Will stood with his back to Rosemary, arms crossed over his chest while the woman stood at his back with a pained look on her pretty face.
“You don’t owe her anything! No one made her come out here!” Rosemary reached out, catching one of Will’s arms, and pulled him around to face her. “She’s no one to you.”
“She’s my wife,” Will said, his voice gruff.
Julie waited for him to continue on, but when he said nothing she leaned her forehead against the back of the wagon she hid behind. A sinking feeling in her stomach pulled at her, making her feel like she was drowning. Her worst nightmare since her confrontation with Rosemary had come true in front of her, and she had no clue what to do.
Lady Pim had never prepared her for what to do when discovering an assignation between one's husband and another. And all she could find the strength to do was tremble while she listened to the couple and prayed for the best.
“And? I could be your wife,” Rosemary countered. “I almost was your wife except—except for my failings at childbearing.”
“Rosemary, don’t say that.” Will took a slight step back, pulling his arm away from her.
“It’s true, and we both know it! You wanted me.” Rosemary crossed her arms, closing the space between them with a single step. “You still do. You’re just scared of losing Forrest, so you gave him Julie. When are you going to see that he isn’t going to walk away from you just because you don’t love that woman! He's going to stay with you no matter what woman you choose.”
Will took another step back. “Don’t bring Forrest into this.”
“Why won’t you let yourself be happy? Why is it so hard to let yourself love after Clarissa?” Rosemary caught his hand in hers, pulling it to her chest. “We both know I can give you that back. You said I reminded you of her.”
“You do.” Will sighed. “That’s the problem.”
“That isn’t a problem! This is your, no, our second chance at happiness. We could be so good together and—”
“Julie’s pregnant.”
“What?!” Rosemary froze. “What do you mean?”
Will tugged his hand away from Rosemary. “Just that. She’s pregnant. Figure she’s about a month along.” He rubbed a hand along his jaw. “That’s the way it is, Rosemary. I’m sorry, but you need to move on. There is nothing here for you. I’m married to her, and she’s pregnant. She's my family now. I’m not walking away from that. I swore in front of Forrest, this whole town, and God.”
Julie struggled to breathe. This wasn’t her husband turning away another woman because he didn’t w
ant her.
It was him sticking to his word.
This was him not breaking the vows he had made in a church, to not just her, but to Forrest.
Julie squeezed her eyes shut, suddenly feeling dizzy. Her ill feelings weren't just a product from the shock of finding her husband having a less than proper conversation with another woman, but the news he had so casually delivered.
She was pregnant.
Had been for the past month.
A month.
Suddenly all of Will’s overprotective behavior made perfect sense. His unwillingness for her to wear herself out with planning the dance and the fact that he watched over her eating and bouts of nausea with the attention of a mother hen. She had mistaken all of it for him caring, an outward proof that he was happy as her husband, happy in their marriage.
That he loved her.
None of it was real. It had only been because she was pregnant.
Julie blinked at the hot tears that threatened to fall from her eyes and pushed herself away from the collection of wagons with a deep sigh. No longer caring if they heard her, she took off at a fast walk back toward the dance, but then at last second she veered toward the lane that would take her home.
Julie had to get home.
First to mourn what never was. And then to plan her next move.
There was no way she could stay in Gold Sky and sleep in the same bed as a man who didn't want her. Her pride wouldn't allow it.
Julie clapped a hand over her mouth to stifle the sob that wanted to burst from her. All she could think of was how fixated both her husbands had been on her becoming pregnant, even from the first. How, when she fell asleep in Will’s arms, his hand always came to rest against her stomach. All of it threw the tenderness and closeness she had experienced with her husbands into sharp relief, and even Forrest’s gentleness suddenly seemed suspect.
It made Julie feel sick in a way that her nausea could never touch.
Though she guessed that was how Will had known she was pregnant, when she hadn’t even thought of it herself. How terribly naive of her, with her husbands’ regular talk of a family and children. Somehow Julie had thought they had wanted her for who she was. Their original advert for a wife had stressed the need for their future wife to be skilled as a teacher, but how could she not have realized her womb proved just as valuable as her talent in the classroom?
She had fallen in love with them. Yet they viewed her as an asset, as something to be laid out in pros and cons versus the other women. Over a hundred other women.
Will's conversation with Rosemary proved just as much.
How can you be so selfish, Rosemary had asked her.
Julie swallowed hard. The last statement from Rosemary repeated in her mind until it became a mantra, and Julie paused in the foyer, her eyes going to the mirror that occupied the wall beside the door. She looked tired, the hollows of her cheeks more pronounced, the skin beneath her eyes all but bruised.
Gone was the girl from New York City. She didn't recognize the woman in the throes of grief who stared back at her.
“You don’t deserve this,” Julie said, though she wasn’t talking to herself. Her hand rested against her stomach. “You deserve better. A family who loves each other for the sake of love.” Her fingers flexed on the material of her dress.
“You deserve a mother who isn’t content to be a duty to the men she loves.”
There was no world in which Julie would allow her child to see her slighted. If she didn’t provide an example, if she didn’t demand more for herself, then how would her child know what they were worth? What they deserved? And though Julie was heartbroken at how she had found out that she was with child, she knew one thing for certain, and that was that she already loved the little soul with all her heart.
“You deserve better," Julie said again, “and I intend to give it to you.”
Chapter 13
By the time Will came home Julie was already in bed and fast asleep, or at least she pretended to be. It took everything in her not to stir when she heard him moving around as quietly as he was able.
Two hours had passed since she had returned home, and she began to wonder what had occupied his attention during that time. She clutched the quilt that lay over her tighter and squeezed her eyes shut. This was madness, and she would drive herself crazy if she let herself think about those missing two hours.
Whatever it was, Julie forced her thoughts from it and concentrated on keeping her breathing even. A feat that became herculean when Will slipped into bed and pressed a kiss to her shoulder before he tugged the quilt up and over them.
Thankfully, she had fallen asleep not long after because she had finally decided on a plan. Though it was a plan that required she be as rested as possible, especially when she wasn’t sure how long it would be until she was able to lay in a bed again.
It would be a rough journey on the train back to New York City.
Julie shuddered, thinking of the weeks she had in front of her on a train as she packed her bag with the essentials she would need for the trip home. The two trunks she had brought with her would have to stay, as there was no way she would be able to load them in the buckboard without help, and she had no intention of giving herself away by asking for it.
What she would say when she arrived back home in New York pregnant and heartbroken was anyone’s guess, but Julie suspected she would be able to think of something on the nearly month-long journey.
Julie shook her head, thinking of what her mother would say, or what the press would have to say, but she pushed the thoughts away. It was best to approach her obstacles as they came because if she thought too far into the future, it all seemed impossible.
Closing her bag with a snap of her hands, Julie walked over to the bedroom window that faced the lane in front of the ranch. There was no one in sight, though Will had left just a few minutes before. She planned on having breakfast, a simple meal of black tea and dry toast, before she hitched up the buckboard and left Gold Sky forever.
Which seemed like a well-enough and simple plan until she stood with the horses and realized she had no idea how to hitch up the buckboard.
“Don’t suppose The Lady’s Cooking Compendium has anything to say to this, now does it?” she asked the horses.
It was just as well, she supposed, stabling the horses again. She would have worried about the horses being left alone at the train depot, but if she moved quickly enough, she might be able to catch passage on the coach straight to Butte City, or even farther than that given Butte City was anything but gentle.
Grabbing her bag, Julie walked as briskly as she could down the lane and into Gold Sky. She did her best to appear inconspicuous, but it was difficult with so many of her students’ families out on the bright and happy weekend. She had just managed to duck around the corner from a favorite student when she heard a voice call out:
“Coach to Butte City! LAST CALL! LAST CALL!”
Daring to step out into the open, Julie raised her hand and waved at the coach driver. “That’s me, sir! How much?”
“Ten dollars," he said, giving her a friendly smile.
“Certainly.” Julie pushed the currency into his hand and returned his smile when he swung down from the driver’s perch and grabbed her bag from her.
“We’ll be off soon as I get this tied up,” he said, already scrambling up the coach’s side with her bag in tow.
Julie nodded and stepped into the coach, which was blessedly only occupied by one other person. An elderly woman she didn’t recognize dozed away in one corner. Settling on the opposite bench, Julie let out a little yelp at the sudden lurch of the coach as it sprang into motion. She adjusted her bonnet and leaned back against the soft cushion of the bench seat, soothed by the gentle rocking motion of the coach as it began its journey out of Gold Sky. She peeked out of the window and bit her lip, seeing the town she had come to love as her home start to slip away.
Before long they were on the outskirts
and speeding toward the open plains of the Montana Territory.
Julie’s heart clenched, seeing the stretch of road she hadn’t been on since she had arrived with her husbands at her side.
Now she was seeing it alone...no, not alone. She smiled, putting a hand on her stomach. She had a bit of them with her and that, she supposed, would have to be enough.
Bracing her arms on the window, she pulled up the shade and let out a sigh as daydreams of what could have been if she stayed in Gold Sky played out in her mind's eye. In that world she was happy, she had four more children, Forrest cooked with her, Will gave her gentle smiles meant only for her. It was absolutely perfect and helped dull the ache in her heart.
In this fictional world, they would tell her they loved her, they would stop her from leaving, swearing she was the first and only woman in their hearts. It was enough to make her romantic heart weep with joy.
So lost was she in staring out the window that she didn’t see the rider coming toward them until he was almost in front of her, which was why when the man jerked up in his saddle suddenly and called her name out she sat in stunned disbelief.
“Julie?” the man exclaimed again before he jerked off his hat and yelled at the driver. “Stop this couch now!”
“Says who?” the driver yelled back. Julie blinked, trying to figure out if what she saw was real or a mirage.
“Says her husband!” Forrest roared, wheeling his horse around to stare at her in disbelief. “Where do you think you’re going, little bird?” he asked as the coach slowed and came to a stop.
“I—I…” Julie jerked back from the window when she realized she hadn’t imagined Forrest, but that he was really in front of her, really leaping off his horse and wrenching open the door.
“Home,” she said weakly.
Heart and Hand: Gold Sky Series Page 19
