My new instincts resisted my desires, warning me not to find them, to divulge my secret. It was so strong that the now-familiar sense of nausea my body used in response to a threat rose in my chest. I forced it down as I pushed my way out the old doors and into the sunlight. I scurried quickly away from the open and stayed close to the sides of the old, run-down buildings. I searched for cover as I made my way, though I was relatively certain that if anyone was trying to find me, they wouldn’t have much difficulty, given my current presentation.
I stopped as I caught sight of my reflection in a window splattered with broken bits from previous assaults or the ravages of time. I inspected my appearance through the filthy glass and noted that although the twine had helped somewhat to make my body appear smaller under the burlap, I still appeared to be some sort of demented-looking hunchback. It didn’t help that my face was caked with dirt and blood, whose blood I was sure was Sam’s. A tear trickled down my cheek, and I wiped it away, making the mess even worse. I was about to turn away when I noticed feathers popping out from under the burlap, dragging along behind me. Cursing in frustration, I shucked the burlap down lower and hoisted my wings higher, reaching into the sac and pulling the twine as tight as I dared lest it break. My wings shuddered and fluttered angrily, protesting their confines. I was aware of an overpowering urge to release them and let them flex and stretch, though I pushed the feeling down and picked up my pace.
I made my way through the dirty streets, ducking here and there against any walls or anything that could potentially serve as cover, deathly afraid of finding my would-be captors lurking around the next corner. They never came though, and I continued along until the broken sidewalks scattered with debris and rotten bags of garbage eventually shifted into well-kept lawns and landscaped gardens.
I found myself in front of Kaila’s stately home that she shared with her parents and siblings. I ducked behind a hedge as the front door opened and saw Kaila’s parents quickly kiss each other goodbye. Her mother took her younger sister and brother and loaded them into their Porsche Cayenne. Her father held his briefcase in one hand and placed a thermos of coffee on the roof of his own car while he patted around the pockets of his suit. The scene was one of such normalcy and comfort. It both warmed and pulled at my heart to see such them, knowing this would never be a childhood memory I could ever share.
Before I could submerge too deeply into self-pity, whether rightly or not, I saw Kaila emerge next from the house, and my heart leapt at the sight of her. I wanted desperately to run and throw myself into her arms sobbing and hear her inevitable words of comfort. She always had a way of making things right, and I wanted nothing more than to hear her say whatever she could to make the horrors of the last 24 hours disappear. I nearly forgot myself and took a step forward, before remembering I was wrapped up in a rotting sack of burlap and covered head to foot in grime and blood. Plus, there was the little issue of the feathers dragging along behind me on the ground. I cursed them tearfully and pulled my wings tighter, adjusting the burlap. I stifled a quiet sob and ducked down behind the hedge before I could be spotted, wondering what I had been thinking in coming here. I could hear Kaila’s mom chastising her for taking too long, reminding her they would all be late for school. The bickering was mingled with the laughter of her younger siblings as they clamoured into the vehicle.
There was complete oblivion to the abomination that lurked only feet away behind a decorative hedge.
“Coming!” Kaila called, and I again resisted the urge to rush forwards toward her. I wondered briefly at something more sinister – whether my coming here in the first place was risking them all to Ephreim’s unscrupulous, murderous wrath. I cursed myself for my stupidity, turning around quickly in my paranoia to check again that I had not been followed, just as I heard the vehicles turning on in the driveway.
I skittered awkwardly around the hedge as it led to the rear of the property and waited until they had pulled away. The sound of the car driving off into the distance – the sound of further separation from my friend, caused a terrible anxiety within me. I had no idea what to do. None whatsoever.
I sat there for some time, thinking about how Kaila and Gee would be waiting for me outside the school near the usual place. Gee would likely divulge some bit of gossip he’d heard or be making some plea for acceptance of Tripp. Kaila would be laughing, enjoying his company. I wished more than anything in the world I was there with them as though it was any other normal day. They would be worried about me by now, surely, though I hoped my supposed sickness from yesterday would stop them from coming to find me.
The thought made me gasp. If Ephreim and the others had found me so near to my home, they must know where I lived. The thought of my friends coming to check on me at lunch and finding a murderous lot of bird-men with swords waiting to decapitate them was more than I could bear, and I jumped up, quickly running towards my house. I ducked behind and between parked cars, trees, anything that shielded me from curious eyes as I ran. It was a long process, but I knew I’d arrive home in time to thwart any attempt to find me.
I rounded the corner near my home, sorely out of breath. Every fiber of my being hurt and my wings ached from their confinement. I was desperate to release them, but I pushed the thought aside and ran up the broken sidewalk leading to my front door. Then, I stopped. The door was broken clean off its hinges, lifted and discarded as though it had been made of cardboard. I could hear a dog barking somewhere off far away, and the sounds of the airbrakes of a large truck as it groaned against the weight of its cargo.
I stayed frozen for another moment, considering whether I should turn back and run away again given the very real possibility that the other winged creatures were laying in wait for me inside. I absently flicked my hand in front of my face to chase away a fly that seemed to find me of interest. Then another. And another. I stepped forward and realized I could hear the thrum of the sound many flies make as they congregate in one area at once – either over garbage, or. . .
I ran forward into the threshold, looking into the living room.
My father lay in a heap on the floor, and while it wouldn’t be an unusual sight under normal circumstances, this time was different. I knew it the second I saw the blackened and dried blood below him that was still wet in places. I knew from the blank stare of eyes that would never see again. Flies were swarming around his body, and my first instinct was to run forward and chase them away – check his pulse. See if I could help, no matter how much it may be in vain. Then my second instinct kicked in.
I walked forward into the living room and kicked my dad’s body as hard as I could.
I kicked him over, and over, and over again, screaming at the top of my lungs. I didn’t care if Ephreim and a whole bird army were waiting beyond in the kitchen, so intense was the rage within me. This was all his fault. A stupid thought, but it wasn’t about the wings. It was about everything else. The nightmare my life had been, the nightmare it had been for Sam. Losing years I could have spent somewhere else, happy. Normal. Unscarred both physically and emotionally from the ordeals of my youth, from the memories I would always harbour as long as I lived and breathed. Because I had been deprived of everything. Of everything.
I felt pure, unadulterated hatred of this man on the floor.
I felt pure, unadulterated hatred because I hadn’t been the one to kill him.
I froze at the thought, slowly returning to my senses. Horrified at the blackness I was capable of here in this terrible moment where my father lay slaughtered on the ground before me. I limped over to the filthy sofa and sank down on it, laying my head against one of the armrests and willing myself to stop shaking. It was uncontrollable. Once it had started, I found I could not stop it.
I don’t know how long I had been attacking Dad’s lifeless body, screaming as I had. It must have been for some time, and it must have been more unusual than the sounds of rage and horror that filled our house, as it had likely alerted a passerby who had call
ed the police. The sirens approached, and I leapt up, remembering myself. Nobody could find me like this. As I turned to flee, something caught my eye. Dad’s phone. I snatched it off the ground near his body, also caked in his blood. It appeared he had been trying to use it before succumbing to his injuries, probably to call for help. I allowed myself one momentary glance of disgust and anger in my father’s direction, anger that Sam had been deprived of such luxury as he had used the last seconds of his life to try to save mine. My heart knew that Dad wouldn’t have done the same.
I turned and ran towards the back of the house, making my way through the yard to the area of broken fence I had escaped into the night before. This time, my girth had increased considerably, and binding my wings did nothing to lend litheness to my frame sufficient to escape out of the hole as I had before. Instead, I burst through it, taking a large part of the fence out in the process – easily, and I found myself running, yet again, as far as my legs would take me.
I found myself back in the warehouse district, the one place where my haggard and strange appearance would escape most notice. Shaking, I pushed myself between two large garbage dumpsters, filled to overflowing and reeking of decay. More sirens could be heard heading towards the direction of my now former home. I wedged myself between the bins as far as I could go and I sat down, flinching in response to the sudden discomfort caused by sitting on top of my wings. I reached my hand behind me and tried to move them into a more comfortable position before slumping back against the wall, closing my eyes and gasping to catch my breath.
I flipped open the phone, hastily keying in Gee’s number. He answered on the second ring, likely between classes.
“Hello?” he asked, confused. He recognized the number on the rare occasions I had gained access to the phone but was obviously surprised to hear from me in the middle of the morning.
Before I could speak, he said, “Lar, you won’t believe this. You’re still sick, right? Ok, so you won’t believe this. Kai and I were walking to class and Jacob was getting screamed at by Nichole – it was such a thing of beauty, you would have loved it! She was going on and on about —”
“Gee,” I said, strangled.
“. . .you remember how she was—”
“GEE!” I cried, louder. He stopped cold.
“Lar? Are you ok?” he asked, suddenly alert. “What’s going on?”
“I can’t. . . I can’t explain. Just please. Promise me. PROMISE me you won’t go ANYWHERE NEAR MY HOUSE. Tell Kaila. I’m completely serious,” I urged, trying to convey the desperation as best I could through the phone line.
“Lar, what the hell?” Gee said, “What’s happening? If you don’t tell me I’ll come right -”
“GEE!” I shrieked this time, before hastily lowering my voice, wondering if I should have called Kaila first. “Listen, Gee. . . listen good. This is a matter of life or death. Do. Not. Go. Near. My. House!” My hand shook as I wiped the tears off my face. There was silence on the other end for a moment. I could hear scuffling and Kaila’s voice. She was clearly trying to grapple the phone away from Gee. I huffed in frustration, scared to death that my desire to protect them had had the opposite effect. I hoped I could get Kaila to see reason.
“Larin,” Kaila said authoritatively. “What the hell is going on? Tell me right now!”
I suddenly started to weep. Through the tears, I warned her again not to go to my home.
“Larin, WHY?” Kaila demanded. “What’s happening to you? Are you in trouble? Should we call the police? Is there someone there making you say this? You don’t have to tell us anything more, just say ‘I’m going to get lunch now’ so I know you need me to call the cops, ok? But if it’s something else.. if. . . is it Sam? Has he done something to you?”
“No!” I croaked, falling apart again. “No, Kaila. Sam is dead. He’s dead.” I was sobbing now, pangs of grief stabbing me in the stomach like a hot knife.
“WHAT?! Gee. . .” There was a shuffling sound, and I could hear her telling him the news. This was evidently met with shocked silence and Kaila quickly came back on the phone.
“Has there been an accident, Larin? Tell me where you are, and I’ll come get you.”
“Kaila, no. Please. You don’t understand. You just have to trust me. I’ll call you back. But for now, just stay away, ok? Stay away!” I shouted into the phone. “I mean it!”
“Larin, I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m calling the police to come and check on you. I’m seriously freaked out right now. I don’t know what to do!” she cried suddenly, and I could hear Gee breaking down beside her, asking what was happening.
“You don’t have to. They already know,” I said, which was met with another wall of shocked silence as Kaila took in the magnitude of all she’d been told. “Just don’t try to find me. Don’t do anything unless I call you, ok?”
“Okay,” she cried reluctantly. “Okay, Larin. . . I love you.”
“I love you too,” I said, flipping the phone shut. I leaned my face into my knees and sobbed harder than I had in my entire life. I didn’t care at that moment who heard or about the danger, but I couldn’t stop.
After a while, I became aware of a cooling sensation as the weather took a turn. My bones told me a storm was coming. I looked up at the slowly moving masses of clouds as they made their way across the path of the sun, oblivious to all but their course. I felt a burning desire suddenly to be a part of them, and my wings reacted violently, knocking me over, as though to try to take flight. There was no way in hell that was going to happen though. I’d had enough excitement to last me a lifetime. I just wanted to sit in my cover and just. . .cease. Stop. I was crushingly exhausted.
I laid my head down again and closed my eyes. The wind picked up, bits of garbage being blown around just beyond me. As the rain started, I felt nothing other than my own misery. I sat that way for several hours as the rain pelted down upon me, saturating every inch of my body. My wings shuddered and flexed, but I ignored them utterly, content to do nothing. As long as I knew my friends were safe, were out of reach, then I didn’t care anymore what happened to me.
Just before dawn I reached down for the phone and called Kaila, just to assure myself once more that she was safe. I had no plans. I didn’t know what to do. I just wanted to remain in one place forever. I had to know. . . just once more. . .that my friends were safe.
Kaila answered on the first ring.
“Larin.”
“Thank goodness,” I sighed, “I just wanted to check that you’re okay.”
“Larin, it’s been all over the news. The police were here all afternoon asking questions. I had no idea what to tell them, other than I was afraid you were in some kind of terrible danger! They’re. . .they’re looking for you. Sam. . .your father. . .” she choked briefly and I grimaced, not knowing what to say.
“Did you kill your dad?” she whispered into the phone.
Of course, it made sense. There would be my footsteps all over the murder scene, plus whatever damage I’d done to his already broken body. But I had made it worse and of course, I would be the primary suspect. Seeing the inside of the house, the place of filth and decay, of course they would think that. . .that. . .
“Kaila, no,” I sniffed, “I didn’t kill him.” But I wanted to, I admitted quietly in my mind. We both sat silently for a moment before she spoke.
“I believe you.”
It was all she needed to say. I wanted desperately to be there with her. But I could never do that again. Not safely.
“Lar, please. Tell me what happened.”
“Kaila, I can’t. But trust me. I didn’t do this. I loved Sam. I should have been honest with you about how bad things were at home. I never wanted you to see. . . to know. . .” I cried. “I just couldn’t bear your pity.”
“I understand Larin. I... we should have been better friends to you. We should have gotten you out of there. You could have come to live with me!” she cried, though we both knew that wasn’t th
e truth. My father would have fought every step of the way. Kaila’s family had their own life, they didn’t need to contend with a violent and unpredictable drunkard. I would have been thrust into foster care, somewhere far from the reach of those I knew and loved.
A flash of awareness struck me, and I opened my eyes wide in realization as something dark gripped my heart. I suddenly knew, understood, that both Kaila and Gee would have known more than they led on. That they were content to let things be because they didn’t want to disrupt the bubble of happiness we’d created with each other. I felt something new. A seed of resentment bubbling up inside me. Resentment they knew something was terribly, terribly wrong with me and did nothing to stop it.
I blinked and shook my head, and the wave of darkness passed. I pushed it down in shock, angry at myself. They loved me. Maybe they suspected, but I worked tirelessly to prevent them from discovering the truth. None of this. . .none of any of this was their fault. I frowned, deeply disturbed at these dark thoughts. They seemed to be becoming a thing of habit.
“Did they find Sam?” I whispered into the phone, dreading the answer.
“Yeah,” Kaila snuffled, pausing to blow her nose. “Yeah, Lar. They found him.” I closed my eyes and held the phone to my chest, grateful that they had gotten to him. That he hadn’t been left there alone for long.
“I love you and Gee so much, Kaila,” I said softly. “Tell him that. Tell him, I didn’t do it. I didn’t do any of this. But please, for your own sakes, separate yourself from anything to do with me as much as possible. Don’t talk to anyone, the media, anything. Your lives may depend on it.” The darkness contained in the warning lingered in the air for a moment, and I heard Kaila take a shuddering breath.
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