by Erica Ridley
“One night. Just for us.” He lifted her in his strong arms.
She held on tight. “A night to remember.”
In a few swift strides, they reached the bedchamber and tumbled atop the bed.
She pushed all thought of losing him out of her head and focused on being fully here in this moment. The soft down of her bed. The hard muscle in his body. The bright crackle of the fire. The matching flame deep inside her.
Her heart soared higher with each kiss. She had dreamed of this, dreamed of him. The weight of his body pressed against her. She thrilled at the sensation, at the knowledge that soon she would know him more intimately than she had ever dreamed.
When he slid to one side, separating from her, she tried to break the kiss to complain about the loss. Before she could do so, his hand lifted her breast from its bodice and words failed her completely. She felt beautiful. Cherished.
Her fingers dug into the mattress with pleasure as he toyed with her bosom. Each touch of her nipple sent waves of desire through her body. This was what she had longed for. True connection.
When he moved his mouth down to her exposed breasts, she flung her arms up over her head and arched into him. She gave her body to him and in return he aroused her more than she had believed possible. It was all she could do not to claw the clothes from their bodies.
As he teased her bosom with his mouth, he tugged the hems of her skirts from her ankles to her hips. She gasped at the sensation of cool air against her exposed skin, of his hot mouth over her nipple. When his hand cupped between her legs and dipped in teasing circles, her body responded at once. She gripped his shoulders, digging her fingernails into the material to ensure he did not cease his ministrations.
A tightness was uncurling deep inside her. A fullness, a wanting. Every lick of his tongue, every flick and dip of his finger brought her closer and closer to the edge. Every time he gave, she wanted more. It was heaven and torture twisted into one. Her body pulsed with need. Something was happening. Something like…
All at once, she could withstand the delicious pressure no longer and shattered against his fingers.
“More,” she gasped when she finally caught her breath. “Not your hand. I want you.”
He covered her mouth with his as he unbuttoned the fall of his breeches. At once, the weight of his shaft fell against her, hot and heavy, nestled perfectly against the juncture of her thighs. He reached between them, as if making certain she was ready for him.
She was more than ready. She was impatient. She wanted to give him the same pleasure he had given her. She wanted to find an even greater peak together.
As he eased into her, inch by inch, she wrapped her legs about him and brought him closer, deeper. Not just into her body, but into her heart. Into her soul.
The sharp stab of pain as he entered her was quickly replaced by renewed desire. Her pulse raced as she lost herself in his kiss.
Joining with him was more than she dreamed. But when he rocked his hips and started to move… She held on tight, allowing the sensations to run through her, opening herself to him completely, taking everything he had been trying so hard not to give. In return, she would share everything she had.
If only for one night.
Chapter 13
Noelle awoke alone. When she stretched her arm out toward Benjamin, there was nothing beside her but cold linen and an empty bed. Her breath shuddered.
The wind outside whistled through cracks between the windowpanes, indicating the weather outside was as turbulent as her heart. She pushed her leaden feet off the edge of the bed and forced herself to the window. The glass was almost covered in frost. Snow was falling too deep and fast for any tracks to be visible in the streets below. There was no sign of Benjamin.
Perhaps he was halfway to London. Perhaps he was just down the corridor in his chamber, arranging for his trunk to be loaded into his carriage. Preparing to abandon her a second time. Her fingers shook with panic.
She forced her gaze from the window and sucked in a deep breath. Benjamin was incapable of abandoning her. Only someone who had made a commitment to stay could abandon another person. They had both been careful to make no such statements. There had been no promises. Benjamin was behaving exactly as he had warned from the start. If she didn’t want her heart broken, it had been up to her to prevent it from becoming involved.
Besides, his departure today had nothing to do with last night, she reminded herself. A duke like Benjamin had duties, responsibilities, all sorts of things that were more important than her. Noelle’s stomach twisted. Who knew? Maybe her parents had also had better things to do. More important priorities than keeping an unwanted daughter. She should be used to being alone by now. Of course Benjamin must return to his real life.
A life that didn’t include her.
She touched her trembling fingers to her chest. The golden locket did not feel cold, but warm. Heated from her flesh, her dreams, this nightmare. It seemed to pulse against her skin as if it had a heartbeat of its own.
By giving her the locket, Benjamin had given up the thing that he loved most. Surely she was strong enough to do the same. No matter how it hurt. After all, that was the deal she had made. One night. Nothing more.
With listless movements, she cleaned her face at the basin and put on a day gown. She did not feel like freshening up or going anywhere at all. But what she wanted even less was a protracted goodbye with the man she loved.
Having to stand before him as he made his rejection official would be more than she could bear. Even if she’d known to expect it all along.
She wrapped herself in her warmest pelisse and fled from her bedchamber, from the castle, from anywhere she might spy Benjamin leaving her for good. That was the only defense she had left.
If they did not say goodbye, if the words were never spoken, perhaps it would be as though their parting had never happened. As if their story was not yet over. As if she could hold onto a small part of last night, a small part of him forever.
Even if it was all a lie.
Chapter 14
Benjamin was desperate.
He had searched everywhere in the castle for Noelle and couldn’t find her anywhere. After he had slipped out to order her favorite breakfast, she was no longer in the bedchamber where he’d left her. Nor was she up in the counting house working on journals. She wasn’t in the breakfast room, the greenhouse, the aviary…
She had vanished without a trace.
“Your Grace?” a footman murmured. “Your carriage is ready.”
Of course his coach was ready. Benjamin had summoned it two hours ago, when he had believed Noelle was awaiting him in her chambers. But she was not there, she was not anywhere, and he was standing at the castle exit with his heart bleeding out of his chest. He had to say goodbye.
Yet he could not dally any longer. He should not even have stayed last night. At this point, he would have to race south, stopping for fresh horses as often as possible, to have a prayer of reaching London in time to be in his seat when the current session of Parliament began.
“Your Grace?” the footman tried again, his voice hesitant. “Should we have your driver return the coach to—”
“No. I’m going now.” Benjamin whirled away from the empty receiving hall and strode outside into blinding sunlight.
Some might consider Cressmouth at its most picturesque with a fine layer of snow dusting every surface and even more snowflakes drifting lazily from the skies. Benjamin was not fooled by its beauty. This morning’s windstorm had been warning enough. He needed to get off this mountain and back to a main road as quickly as possible. Even if it meant leaving without seeing Noelle.
He climbed up into his coach and took his place against the plush squab. His hands should not be shaking. He had known this moment would come. Had been looking forward to leaving Cressmouth behind.
Now it felt as though he was leaving the most important part of himself behind with it.
He swung hi
s gaze from the empty heavens to the castle. There lay another hard truth. Grandfather might have kept the locket from him all these years, but the old man had never possessed the power to deprive Benjamin of loved ones.
That was something he had been achieving on his own.
He signaled his driver and the horses started off down the snow-packed lanes. Soon Benjamin would be home. His chest should not feel this empty. He had known attachments could not last. His mother’s gold locket had proven love was only a symbol, not something he was destined to keep. Just like Noelle. He was glad he had given her the locket. She was just as dear to him as the people inside. And destined to remain far out of reach.
The wind picked up force. He ignored it. No matter how low the temperature dropped, it was far colder in his heart. A wise man would lower his shields for no one, but Benjamin feared it was too late for that. The drawbridge had already been breached. Noelle was inside.
Any more time with her, and the damage would be irreversible. His soul would be inextricably linked to hers. Retreating while he still could was the only way to protect his heart.
If there were any pieces left unbroken.
The castle slipped from view. He tried not to feel the loss. There was no room in his life for sentimentality. He was expected to speak on a new law within a week. To meet with a half dozen committees dedicated to improving the lives of citizens all over England. That was his priority. His duty. How could a man in his position possibly choose one person over many, no matter how much he loved her?
He almost slid out of his seat in shock. He loved her.
Bloody hell. It was too late for defensive measures. He had not fortified his shields in time. Precisely as he had feared, his soul was bound to hers—and he still had to leave.
He tightened his fists in his lap. This desperation clawing through his chest proved the point. If he married Noelle, he would want to spend every moment of his time with her, wherever she might be. That wasn’t a choice. Such a union would either mean shirking his duties to Parliament or his commitment to his wife.
Neither outcome was acceptable. He could not force Noelle to London only to leave her in an empty home while he spent all his time in the Palace of Westminster, embroiled in endless committees. Besides, she had no wish to leave Cressmouth. He had asked her. She had been clear.
The carriage clopped by a merry red sign partially dusted with snow:
* * *
Thank you for visiting Christmas!
* * *
His gut twisted in revulsion. Was it any wonder he hated the holiday? All it had ever brought him was loss.
This time, he had caused the loss himself.
Driving away and leaving Noelle behind wasn’t allowing him to return to his old life. It was destroying an alternate one. A better life he couldn’t have.
His heart clenched with longing as he thought of how sweet she had looked in the morning light, sleeping softly by his side. She was an angel.
A sudden drop of ice pierced him inside at the realization of what he had done.
He had hurt her so badly the first time he had left, never to return. Now he was doing it all over again. No wonder she was avoiding him, as though he didn’t exist. As if the passion they had shared was meaningless. Soon, it would be.
All that would be left was the imprint each had left behind.
Chapter 15
The further Benjamin got from Cressmouth, the emptier he felt inside. The long empty path ahead seemed both physical and metaphorical. How he hated that he hadn’t been able to find Noelle before he left! One more separation without a goodbye in a long, sad history of regret.
The snow swirling all around him evoked the sleigh ride they had shared. The frosted tips of the evergreens lining the road reminded him of how warm it had been in that greenhouse when he’d finally given into temptation and kissed her. He was a long way from home and the distance was getting further with every mile.
At that thought, his chest tightened. When he had clasped the locket about Noelle’s neck, he wasn’t giving her his heart. She was his heart. The locket was now just an object, but she was everything. And he had been forced to leave her behind.
The horses slowed as they pulled the carriage over a narrow bridge. It felt as though he were crossing not just a stream, but from one life to another. From laughter to loneliness. From Noelle… to nothing.
His stomach twisted. Returning to London should not feel like a part of him was dying. He was being responsible. He was performing his duty.
Yet all he could think about was Noelle. Watching her giggle and tear up at a play she had seen a dozen times. The mirth on her face when they realized Mr. Fawkes had delivered a pear tree instead of a partridge. The way she had teased him about goats and birds and perfume. How brilliant she was. The counting house, how helpful she was to her friends, how quickly she had arranged the opening ceremony for the aviary. His breath grew shallow.
Every moment of the northern holiday he had never wished to take, Noelle had stood by his side. She had done much more than make it bearable. Whether they were laughing together, working together, or making love together, she filled his heart with joy. He was his happiest when he was with her. She was the missing piece he had been looking for all along.
And now she was gone. His heart banged against his chest in protest.
The driver picked up speed. This far from Cressmouth, the snow had disappeared. The ground was no longer frozen. The steeds carried them further, faster. No matter what Benjamin’s heart might want. He rubbed his face.
The only person he could blame for leaving Noelle behind was himself. This morning, he had chosen to summon his horses, climb in his carriage, return to London. But he’d put up his walls long before that. Years ago when they’d shared their first kiss, he had already become cold and inaccessible.
This time was worse. He had closed her off from his heart when all he wanted was to let her inside. She made him a better person. Her willingness and ability to force him out from where he was most comfortable had been good for him. Good for them. She enriched his life.
And she didn’t even know.
He slumped back against the squab. He had been a fool to leave without telling her. Without explaining how much she meant. Even if he returned for occasional visits… it would be far less than she deserved. Far less than he wanted.
He touched the scarf about his neck. The one Noelle had knitted for him, even before he had given her a reason to forgive him, much less trust him. All he’d given her in return were more reasons to lose faith in him all over again. All in the name of England.
The road widened as the carriage exited the forest and clattered out between wide swaths of farmland. At this pace, they would make it to the first posting-house in no time. Be in London earlier than expected. One more face amongst the many. An automaton serving the House of Lords and nothing more.
Was this who he wished to be? Cold, dutiful, emotionless? He was not that man anymore, if he ever truly had been. He would have to do better. Noelle deserved so much more than he’d been able to give.
Sharp, familiar fear pricked the edges of his mind. The terrible conviction that if he opened himself up, if he let himself love, if he admitted the truth out loud, he would lose her anyway. He drew in a shallow breath.
Weren’t some things worth everything? Wasn’t Noelle worth the risk?
For so long, Benjamin had believed he would be worth nothing as a gentleman if he did not give his all to the House of Lords. He now suspected the lowlier man would be the featherwit who let the chance of the love of a lifetime slip away yet again.
What use was being the hero of Parliament, if he could not be a hero to the woman he loved most?
With a sudden movement, he signaled the driver to stop the coach at once.
The horses halted obediently. It was Benjamin’s heartbeat that ran amok.
Carefully, the horses turned the carriage about in the slippery lane and headed back in
the direction they had come. He urged the driver to make haste.
Winning Noelle back wouldn’t be easy. Perhaps he was already too late. He had left her twice. She might be unwilling to try a third time. But it didn’t matter. He had to try. She was worth any risk at any price. Love was worth it.
The horses raced back up the narrow path curving around the mountain. There would be no return toward London today. By the time the beasts would arrive at the castle, they would be too exhausted to continue on.
Benjamin didn’t want to continue on. Not alone. He wanted Noelle. He needed her to know how much he loved her. How much he regretted every moment without her. How he hoped never to part again. He had to get to her. Snow sprayed from the wheels of the carriage as he took curve after curve.
Mr. Fawkes was right. It was better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all… But it was even better to get his imbecilic arse back to Cressmouth posthaste and do his damnedest not to lose Noelle.
He knew how much she loved her mountain village, how much a part of her it was. She had no reason to trust him. She might not wish to share her life with him even if she believed his heart was true.
Perhaps the issues weren’t insurmountable. He would beg her hand and find a way. Although he couldn’t promise himself solely to Cressmouth, he could promise himself to her. Even if he turned out not to be enough, Noelle was worth fighting for.
He had to try.
Chapter 16
Noelle sat at Penelope’s dining nook with one elbow propped upon the table and her chin in her hand. Although her dear friend did her best to distract her with impassioned scientific explanations about the chemical compounds in her newest perfume, nothing could keep Noelle’s mind from Benjamin. No quantity of piping hot tea could chase away the endless chill inside her heart.
