He had heard me. I waved him off. “Not even a big deal, and it was only the truth.”
“It is a big deal,” he argued gently. “He called to ask when he could visit again. I know what he’s like… thank you.”
“I’m glad he took it to heart, and seriously, it’s nothing. You should meet my ex’s mom. I’ve got a lot of experience.”
That gray gaze swept down to my mouth, and his voice was low. “And thanks for how much you do for Am.”
“Meh. I love that kid. But not in a weird way. He’s just a good, sweet kid, and I’m a lonely old lady that he doesn’t totally hate. Honestly, I think he just misses his mom, and I guess I’m old enough to be kind of a weird mom figure, so he puts up with me.”
“That’s not it,” he claimed, a hint of a smile flashing around the corners of his mouth.
A question bubbled up into my brain. Maybe because he seemed to be in a good mood and I wasn’t sure when the next chance I’d get to ask this would be. Or possibly just because I was nosey and figured I had nothing left to lose except possibly getting a stare in return. So I did it. “Can I ask you something personal?”
He thought about it for a moment before nodding.
All right then. “If you don’t want to answer, you don’t have to, but… were you planning on never getting married?”
The face he made said he hadn’t been expecting that question.
I tried to rush on. “Because you had Amos so… unconventionally. So young. You were what? Twenty-six when your friend and his wife asked you to be a donor? Or did you just want to be a dad then?”
Realization dawned on him, and he didn’t have to think about it. “We were twenty, I think, when Billy got into a bad mountain biking accident. He had trauma to his…”
“Testicles?” I offered.
He nodded. “Billy’s wife is older than us by eight or nine years—yeah, that face was the same one everyone made back then. It took Johnny a while to get over his friend and his big sister getting together. But, that’s why they were insistent on having a baby then, if they could. I stayed over at his house a lot growing up… because I didn’t want to be home,” he explained, matter-of-factly. “To answer your question, I didn’t see myself ever getting married. There’s a lot of things I can commit to, but most people will disappoint you.”
I heard that. But I knew not everyone was like that.
Rhodes’s eyes swept over my face as he kept talking. “Besides one girlfriend in high school who dumped me after two years, and a few women I dated but not seriously, I haven’t been in a long-term relationship. I had to choose between focusing on my career or trying to get to know someone, and I chose my career instead. At least until Amos came along, and he became the only thing more important than that.”
More important than his career. It took everything in me not to sniff.
“I always liked kids. I thought I’d be a good dad someday, and when they asked, I thought that might be my one shot at having a real family in case I never met anyone. My only chance at knowing I could be a better parent than mine were. That I could be what I wished they had been.” Rhodes shrugged, but it was a heavy one that pulled at my heart.
So I said the only thing that I could think of. “I understand.” Because I did.
Since my mom, all I had ever wanted was stability. To be loved. To love. I needed an outlet. And unlike him, at least in one way, I’d looked in the wrong place. Held on for the wrong reasons.
There were some things in life that you had to prove to yourself. I had come here for that exact reason. I got it.
Rhodes shifted in front of me and asked, out of nowhere, “Did your ex cheat on you?”
It didn’t feel like a punch to the face this time. This question. When I’d spent a week with an old roadie of Kaden’s when I’d gone through Utah, he had asked me the same thing… and it had felt exactly like it. Mostly, I think, because I guess some part of me wished it had been that simple. That easy to explain. Kaden had had women throwing themselves at him forever, and that would have surprised no one.
Luckily, I’d been born with what my uncle called more self-esteem than a group of people combined, but my aunt said that I’d just been so confident in how he felt about me. That I knew better. That Kaden knew better than to cheat on me because he had loved me—in his own easy way. I had never been jealous even when I’d had to stand at the sidelines and people touched his butt and his arm and put spectacular boobs in his face.
I wished, at more than one point, that he had cheated on me. Because I could’ve excused the end of our relationship more easily. People understood adultery and its impact on most relationships.
But that wasn’t what happened.
“No, he didn’t. We took a break once, and I know he kissed someone, but that was it.”
More like his mom had come up with a stupid-ass idea that he’d tried to sell me on. Mom thinks it would be a good idea to be seen with someone else. Out. There’s been posts about me, you know… being into guys. She thinks I should go out with someone—just as friends! I would never do that to you. For publicity, beautiful. That’s all.
That’s all.
Instead, that had been the first piece of my heart he’d broken. One thing led to another, me asking if he would be fine if I pretended to go out with someone, him getting red-faced and saying it was different. Blah, blah, blah, I didn’t care anymore. And it had ended with me saying he could do whatever the hell he wanted, but I wasn’t going to stick around. He kept insisting it wasn’t going to be like that, but at the end of the day….
He did exactly what he wanted. He went on that date, thinking I was bluffing. So I left.
I spent three weeks with Yuki before he came around and begged and pleaded for me to come back. That he would never do something like that again. That he was so sorry.
That he had kissed Tammy Lynn Singer and he felt terrible.
I didn’t imagine that Rhodes’s voice got deeper as he asked, “Then why did you get divorced?”
The urge not to lie to him was so strong in my heart, I had to think about how to word this without giving more than I was ready to. “It’s pretty complicated….”
“Most breakups are.”
I smiled at him. He was so close, I had the best view of those full lips. “There were a lot of reasons. One of the biggest was that I wanted to have kids, and he kept putting it off and off, and I finally figured out that he was going to keep making excuses forever. It was important to me, and it wasn’t like I hadn’t made that clear to him from the beginning of our relationship. I probably should have known he was never going to fully commit to our future when he kept insisting on condoms even after being together for fourteen years, right? Too much information, I’m sorry. And there was his career. I’m not really the clingy type or need a lot of attention, but his job was number one through ten on the list of priorities in his life, and I was… going to be number eleven forever when I would’ve been happy being three or four. I’d prefer number two, but I could settle.”
The lines across his forehead made another appearance.
“And it was just a bunch of other stuff that compounded over the years. His mom is the Antichrist, and he was a momma’s boy. She hated me with a passion unless I could do something for her or him. We just ended up growing into totally different people who wanted totally different things… and now that I think about it, I guess it really isn’t that complicated. I guess I just wanted someone to be my best friend, someone good and honest who doesn’t make me second-guess being important. And he would never give up his job or even try and compromise.” I felt like it was always me that had to give and give and give, while he took and took and took.
I made a farting sound with my lips and shrugged at Rhodes. “I guess I am a little clingy.”
His gray eyes roamed my face, and after a moment, he raised his eyebrows and dropped them back down with a shake of his head.
“What?” I asked.
He snickered. “He sounds like a fucking moron.”
I smiled faintly. “I like to think so, but I’m sure there are some people who would think he was too good for me.”
“Doubt it.”
That got me to full-on smile at him. “I used to want him to regret the end of our relationship for the rest of his life, but you know what? I just don’t care anymore, and that makes me pretty damn happy.”
It was him that touched my arm that time. His thumb a two hundred degree point on my wrist. The gray pools of his eyes this close were deep and hypnotizing. Rhodes was so handsome in that moment—so much more than usual—all partially scowling and so focused on me, it was easy to forget we weren’t in the middle of the woods, just the two of us alone. “He was an idiot. Only somebody that’s never talked to you or seen you, would think you were the lucky one.” Rhodes’s gaze flicked to my mouth, and he let out a soft sigh through his nose, his words a hoarse whisper. “Nobody in their right mind would let you walk away from them. Not once and no way in hell twice, angel.”
My heart.
My limbs went numb.
We looked at one another for so long, the only thing I could hear was our steady breaths. But eventually, with this loaded moment strung so tightly between us, he looked away first. Mouth parted, eyes going to the top of the tent before he picked up the tablet and tapped the screen all while clearing his throat. “Ready to watch the movie?”
No, no, I wasn’t, but somehow I managed to say, “Yes.”
And that was what we did.
Chapter 21
I scrubbed my hand over the back of my neck as I filled the last of my water bottles. Through the window overlooking the sink, the sun was barely beginning to peek out. If I’d had just about any other plans, I would have still been in the tent from last night.
Only my mom could get me to roll out of bed this early. I’d had a dream about her the night before. It wasn’t that I could remember what had happened in it, because I couldn’t, but there was a certain feel to my dreams when she was in them. I woke up happier. The happiness usually tapered into sadness, but not the bad kind.
I figured the dream had to be some kind of omen for the hike I was doing today.
I was here because of her, after all.
But, some part of me couldn’t help but wish that I’d stayed in the tent last night with Rhodes.
Lying on the sleeping bags, me in my pajamas, and basically lined up along that incredible body, we had watched one movie and started another. The night had been quiet and comfortable, with only the slight sounds of the occasional car driving down the county road, interrupting the voices of the actors coming from the tablet.
Honestly, it had been the most romantic night of my life.
Not that Rhodes had known that.
And as we’d rolled up the sleeping bags and torn down the tent, he had asked me what I was taking with me to do the hike I was going to knock out today. Rhodes had given me some quiet warnings, and sitting in the camp chairs afterward, we’d checked the weather on his phone.
And that was exactly why I’d drug myself out of bed at five thirty in the morning. I needed to get an early start. This might be my last shot at doing the Hike From Hell, unless I wanted to wait until next year. Snow was going to be hitting the highest peaks soon.
And I probably would have waited, but… I needed to do it.
I had to.
The reminder of how short life was had blossomed in my head and stayed there, and I knew I had to at least try and knock another hike out of the way since I actually had the time. Might as well. Go big or go home, and my mom had been a supernova of guts and fearlessness. I had to do it for her.
I’d pumped myself up to try and make this hike my bitch once and for all. The forecast was good. There had been a post I’d found on a forum from someone who said they’d done the trail two days ago and it had been great.
So why not? I’d gotten my things mostly together, and I was going to do this. To prove to myself that I could.
For my mom and for all the years she hadn’t gotten. For all the experiences she had missed. For the path that her life’s course had paved for me.
I was here, in this place, with hope in my heart because of her. It was the least I could do.
And that was probably why I was so caught up in my head, as I finished lugging my supplies downstairs to my car, that I didn’t notice the figure approaching from across the driveway until Rhodes asked quietly, “Are you good?”
Over my shoulder, I caught a glance of his silvery hair and smiled at the handsome face looking at me. “Yeah. I’m great, just thinking about my mom,” I answered before dropping my backpack into the back seat.
“Good thoughts or bad thoughts?” he asked softly before covering his mouth for a yawn. He was already in his uniform, but the top buttons were undone and he hadn’t put his belt on.
Had he come out here just because he saw me through the window?
Turning around slowly, I took in his heavy features, those slashes of cheekbones, the subtle cleft in his chin. He was pretty awake even though he couldn’t have been up for long.
“Both,” I answered him. “Good as in I’m here because of her and I’m really happy that I came back and things are going good, but bad because….”
He watched me closely, so good-looking it made my chest ache a little.
I had never really spoken the words out loud. I’d heard them from other people’s mouths but never mine. But I found that I wanted to. “Did you ever hear that there were some people who didn’t believe she got hurt and couldn’t make it out?”
Rhodes’s eyes bounced from one of mine to the other, but he didn’t bullshit me. He took a small step forward and dipped his chin, still watching. “There were a few trains of thought that she—” He sucked in a breath like he wasn’t sure he wanted to say the words either, but he did. “—harmed herself.”
I nodded.
“Or that she walked away to start a new life,” he finished quietly.
That one specifically had stung the worst. That people would think she would leave everything behind, leave me behind, to start over fresh.
“Yeah,” I agreed. “I wasn’t sure how much you’d heard. I never thought she would leave like that, not even because of all the financial issues she was having that I didn’t know about. How she was going to have to declare bankruptcy, how we were about to get evicted… or how she might have….” The words bubbled in my throat like they were acid, and I couldn’t say the S-word. “Not come back on purpose,” I settled for. “I know the police knew about how she was on medication for depression.”
Rhodes nodded.
“I was just thinking about that, I guess. How her going on her hike and all those things and how that one decision of hers changed my life completely. How I wouldn’t have moved to Florida and gotten to know my aunt and uncle. How I wouldn’t have gone to Tennessee, and then I wouldn’t have lived that life there… and then eventually ended up back here. Life is just weird, I guess, is what I was thinking about. How one decision that you don’t even make can affect another person’s life so dramatically.
“I just miss her extra today, I guess, and I wish I had answers. I wish I knew what really happened,” I finished telling him, adding a shrug to hopefully make it seem like it was all casual and fine. It wasn’t the first time I had mornings or days like this, and it wouldn’t be the last.
You didn’t survive someone taking a wrecking ball to your existence and not have thousands of fractures to live with the rest of your life.
The hand he had over mine lifted and Rhodes set it on my shoulder, his fingers curling around, lying flat against me. “It was a strange case, and maybe if I didn’t know you, I could see why people would think that. But now that I do—know you, Buddy—I don’t believe she left intentionally. I told you, I don’t know how anybody could let you walk away. Or how anyone could be the one to do the walking. I’m sure she loved you very much.”
“She did,” I told him before pressing my lips together for a second and blinking. “I think so at least.” I swallowed and eyed him. “Can I have a good-morning hug? Is that all right? If not, don’t worry about it.”
He didn’t even use his words.
His answer was to open his arms before coaxing me into them after the first step I took.
And I thought to myself that I fit in them pretty damn well.
His palm skipped over the patting thing he’d done before and went straight into stroking up and down my back once. What was minutes later, when my heart was beating nice and slow and the scent of his laundry detergent clung to my nostrils in a way that I hoped lasted all day, he asked, “Are you going for your hike still?”
“Yeah. Clara hasn’t texted me yet, but we’re going to meet at the trailhead.”
He pulled back just enough for our gazes to meet. The fingers on my back brushed the strap of my bra. “If you change your mind and want to wait, I’m off next Sunday.”
He was offering to go on a hike with me. Why did it feel like a marriage proposal? I knew for a fact he’d already done the trail a couple of times before—as I’d learned the first time I’d tried it—and he knew that I knew that. “I’d rather do a new one another day so you aren’t bored like when we did Four-Mile. If you want to.”
“If you want to,” he agreed. “And I wasn’t bored.”
That made me smile up at him. “And here I thought you were miserable the whole time.”
“No.” His nostrils flared just a little. “If you change your mind, I’m hanging around here today,” he said quietly. “I’ve got a couple of poaching issues I need to check on.”
“I’m going to try and do it; I’ve got everything packed. The faster I get it over with, the faster I can do another one. Maybe with you… if you’re free. Maybe we can get Am to come too. Maybe we can bribe him with food.”
It was his turn to nod before he eyed my collection of water, food, and emergency supplies of a tiny blanket, tarp, flashlight, and first aid kit. I’d gotten pretty decent at figuring out what I needed and how much. It was too long and hard of a trail to go crazy and over pack, but I didn’t want to starve either. I got way too cranky for that. My choices must have been approved by him because he looked back at me and nodded.
All Rhodes Lead Here Page 32
