by VR Baucke
“Tell me about it,” I mumbled.
Grabbing the key, I went outside and re-hid the key as exhaustion hit hard. All I wanted to do was soak in the bath then be served a home cooked meal before passing out in bed.
I found Mickey in the lounge, watching TV with his feet kicked up on the coffee table.
“Can you cook dinner tonight? Don’t think I won’t stoop to begging, because I will if I have to.”
The beer paused halfway to his mouth. “Again?”
“Please, Joshy, I’m so freaking beat. Today was a shit one.”
He looked as shattered as I was, and we shared a moment of understanding. I could tell that something serious had happened.
“Is everything okay?” I murmured.
He took a long pull of beer then huffed to his feet. “Everything’s fine, Lil, same ol’ shit making me question why the fuck I do what I do.”
“Hey,” I stopped him with a hand on his arm. “Talk to me, Joshy.”
Mickey’s expression closed off and hardened. “Not when you cop it at the other end of the emergency services line. Just wish there was more I could do.”
“You do all that you can, we both do, and we do it because a, deep down we love it, and b, we’re both damn good at what we do.”
He breathed a smile and slung his arms around me as he made for the kitchen, not saying another word about the burdens of our career choices.
“Dinner’s not gonna be fancy. We need to do shopping again.”
“You!” I pointed at him and sassed. “You need to do shopping for once!”
“Pfft. Just go relax or something while I sort this.”
I headed for the stairs where I stopped on the first step and half-turned.
“Josh?”
“What?” he asked without facing me.
“Thank you.”
He looked at me then and his features softened with sibling affection. “You’re welcome.”
~
Lowering myself into the steaming water, I panted as the hot water claimed my body. The heat immediately soothed the ache in my legs and feet, and my eyelids fell closed with a deep sigh of relief.
I was dozing when a muffled but swift knock sounded on the front door below me. It can’t have been one of the crew; we didn’t knock.
I scoffed and held my breath while I strained to hear who it was. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want it to be Gage coming back early to surprise me.
Hearing nothing but the door slam, I sank low in the bath water and exhaled a long, blissful breath. Blocking out footsteps on the stairs, which rhythmically sounded like Mickey’s, I focused on recapturing my relaxed bodily state.
The bathroom door flung open, slamming hard against the shower frame and causing the glass to rattle precariously.
Pure reaction caused me to sit up, sending a wave of water sloshing onto the floor. I hastily sank back and rearranged the bubbles to ensure I was decently covered.
“Mickey what the fuck! Get out!”
He slapped a hand over his eyes while the other gripped the door frame with a piece of paper pinched between his fingers.
“Fuck, Lil, some things can’t be unseen you know.”
“Says the person who barged into my bathroom time. I told you I was in here! Why didn’t you just psycho message me like normal? That’s twice in one afternoon!” I exclaimed in irritation.
“This...” Mickey hissed waving the paper around while still imposing self-blindness, “...was attached to the door and no-one was there.”
Huffing at his vagueness, I held out a wet hand and waved it impatiently. “Give it here already!”
Mickey shuffled forward with his arm outstretched and I pushed back a frustrated scream as he inched his way across the room. Snatching the paper the second it became reachable, my blood chilled in an instant. Fear pooled in the pit of my stomach as I read the scrawl.
I’LL BE SEEING YOU SOON WHORE.
I wheezed as I struggled to suck in the oxygen I so desperately needed.
“What the hell? Mickey, look at me, dammit!”
He cautiously cracked an eye then opened the other once he established I was fully covered. Pacing back and forth across the tiles, he ran his hands over his face and looked as freaked as I felt.
“I don’t know, Lil, but I’m not getting a good feeling about this. It’s gotta have something to do with that random car and the guy you caught lurking around.”
“All the doors are locked aye?”
“Sure are, I did a quick check before coming up here.”
“I have a stalker?” My voice quivered. I was so fucking scared.
“I dunno, Lil, but it appears that way. Any ideas of who it could be?”
“No idea,” I cried. “I mean, sure I’ve had the odd run in here and there but nothing that would warrant a threat of violence!”
“Fuck, I’m glad I’m here with you right now, but what happens when our shifts don’t align?”
I paled and swallowed painfully. “I’ve two more day shifts then two days off before I’m on nights again.”
It didn’t help answer his question, but it was what he needed to know. Mickey resumed his pacing, now with his hands on his hips.
“I’m on days until Sunday then start nights on Wednesday, so at least I’ll be here at night with you until then. I’m sure Gage won’t mind hanging out either,” he drawled, tone heavy with irony before he pressed his lips together.
“We gotta tell Dad,” I whispered, knowing full well Mum would absolutely flip and Dad would enforce a crackdown of epic proportions.
It had almost come to that a couple of weeks ago just from mentioning the prowler. Dad was going to lose his shit over this. Mickey stopped pacing and met my eyes.
“Without a doubt,” he replied quietly. “I would never forgive myself if anything happened...”
“Don’t, because it won’t,” I snapped. “Before you ring him, I’ll need a glass of wine the size of a soup pot.”
I knew Dad would be here like a bat out of hell with Mum hot on his heels once the call was made, and I needed every minute I got to prepare myself. Mickey nodded and cursed, sounding as morbid as I felt.
THIRTY-ONE
LIL
THE FOLLOWING TWO days passed in usual fashion with nothing out of the ordinary occurring. As a bonus, my scrubs remained unsoiled, which made for a great day.
I received a message from Gage telling me he was heading back to Auckland after lunch and was looking forward to getting his hands on me tonight. I couldn’t stop the goofy grin becoming a permanent fixture on my face as I went about my final day shift before a couple of days off.
“Someone’s looking like she’s gonna get some later,” Jess—my good friend and colleague—sniggered as I passed her with a hand full of dressings.
“I hope so, it’s been forever.” I shoved the dressings into the holder then playfully kicked her leg.
Jess laughed and flicked my ass. “Wow, he must be good if a week seems like forever. Where can I get me one of those guys?”
Her big, dark-brown eyes turned dreamy for a moment, then her long blonde hair swayed in its ponytail when she shook off the fantasy. Jess was gorgeous inside and out, and she had curves. Her life hadn’t been an easy road; growing up rough meant that she didn’t take shit and had to work her ass off to get to where she was today—a highly respected doctor of an Emergency Department.
“Does he have a brother?”
I giggled. “Sorry, chick, he’s got three sisters.”
The hope faded from her eyes but lit a little when I added, “He’s got a hot cousin though. You’ve heard me speak of Mace before. He can pull the ladies without even trying.”
“Hmm.” Jess pursed her lips. “That’s not my style. Besides, I d
on’t have time to attempt a relationship.”
Her statement was tainted with bitterness. With a sigh, she turned her attention back to the patient notes in her hand.
“Who said anything about relationships? Maybe you just need your egg scrambled.”
“Jeez, Lil!” Jess hissed and quickly glanced around then backhanded my bicep. “Get your ass back to work.”
I threw a sarcastic salute off my brow. “Yes boss.”
Jess rolled her eyes; she really was my boss.
With a grin and a feigned kick aimed at my ass, she waved me off and got back to handover prep.
Driving home, I psycho messaged Mickey to let him know I was detouring to Mace and Gage’s place instead of going straight home.
I scoffed and eyerolled despite being in the car by myself.
Our meeting with Dad and Mum the other night went as expected—finishing on a lecture from Dad that someone was to be with me at all times of the day or night. I ignored how my cheeks heated from Mickey’s glare as he internally bitched that he was sure Gage would willingly take one for the crew.
Mickey and I were taking Dad’s advice seriously though, each of us making an effort to be extra vigilant.
I pulled up at the curb outside Mace’s house and became instantly nervous. The excitement and apprehension over seeing Gage again was making my stomach churn.
Taking a deep breath before exiting the car, I got out and breezed past both Mace and Gage’s utes in the driveway.
The side door of the house was open, and as per the crew’s code, I walked in without knocking. My pulse spiked when I heard their voices casually conversing in the kitchen. I paused briefly to try and regain control over my breathless state, and that was when I caught words that made my heart plummet.
Gage had his back to me with his hands tucked in the front pockets of his jeans, while Mace leaned his ass against the bench with his folded over his chest.
“So, did you go see her?” Mace asked, a worry crease deep between his brows.
Gage nodded then raked a hand through his hair. “Yeah, I did. I had to see her again. It had been too long and I promised I would be back sooner than that. I’ve missed her...” he added in a whisper that was barely audible to my ears.
I was in the wrong, wrong, wrong place right now and my legs refused to remove me from the situation. I was stuck, frozen to the spot, as my heart tore to pieces. With every one of their exchanged words, the painful lump in my throat grew, and I barely contained a sob when I realised I’d been totally played, yet again. Played by a guy who had snuck his way into my heart without my permission and took a piece for himself.
I palmed my mouth in the hopes to hold in the gasps as I fought to catch my breath. I had to get out of there A.S.A.P and back to my car where I could let my heart shatter in private.
My sneakers were silent as I took a step backwards, not taking my attention off the guys despite them blurring through the sheen of moisture gathering in my eyes.
Mace caught my movement in his peripheral vision and snapped his head my way. The look of horror on his face when he realised I had inadvertently overheard their private conversation was enough to confirm my assumptions. Noticing Mace’s reaction, Gage spun.
“Shit, Sunshine! I didn’t hear you arrive. How are y-”
Gage took a step closer but halted as his eyes skipped over my expression. It was then he knew I overheard something that I shouldn’t have.
I couldn’t speak, just stood there shaking my head in disbelief, desperately searching for something to say to the two men I loved, yet hated in this moment.
Mace came towards me with his arms outstretched but all I could do was inch towards the door, torn between the desire to fall into the safety of his arms and not wanting him to touch me.
“Lil Bean,” he whispered.
“Don’t, Mace.” I could hear the tremble in my voice and I forced myself to swallow the lump that blocked my throat. “I wasn’t sneaking in to spy, I swear. But… I, I heard...”
Unable to finish my sentence, I looked between Mace and Gage, hoping like hell that one of them would provide some form of logical explanation to clear up the misconception; to tell me I’d heard incorrectly.
In that moment of halted time, Mace snagged my arms and pulled me against him. I resisted the urge to melt into his familiar body that had provided endless comfort through the darkest of my days.
I pushed against Mace’s chest, feeling how hard his heart was beating beneath my palms. We engaged in a silent struggle, one where I refused to look at his face out of fear it would leave me in tears. Instead, I craned my neck to peer around his body at Gage.
He stood with his eyes closed, pinching the bridge of his nose between forefinger and thumb, while his chest heaved like he was on the verge of losing control. I couldn’t even bring myself to ask if he was cheating on me, and from what I’d just overheard, I didn’t want further details
“You!” I hissed, the vehemence in my tone surprising my own ears. “How could you?”
Gage’s head snapped up and his stricken gaze found mine. They blazed with all kinds of fury, angst, regret and hurt. Seeing how broken he was made my heart ache for him, and that in turn fuelled my resentment. Despite knowing my efforts were futile, I began struggling hard in Mace’s arms.
With instantaneous decision, Gage strode over to us and pushed Mace firmly out of the way. He then stood before me with my forearms firmly captured by his strong hands. His fingers squeezed as I thrashed in his hold, fighting against Gage’s physicality as much as the energised charge his contact evoked under my skin.
“It’s not what you think, Lil. I promise,” Gage clenched his teeth and growled.
My heart and head were at war, and my gut was screaming at me to flee.
“Don’t touch me! Don’t ever fucking touch me,” I yelled at the top of my lungs, losing control further by the second. I sought out Mace; he also lay at the root of my pain. “How could you! You of all people, Mace! After all that we’ve been through. How could you keep something like this from me? I love you both and you’ve both fucking destroyed me!”
“It’s not what you think, Lil. I didn’t fucking cheat!” Gage roared.
“That’s exactly what cheaters say, Gage. I even told you that my fiancé cheated on me, and what do you know, here I am again, a walking, talking, fucking joke!”
My head snapped on my shoulders as Gage shook me a little, frustration rolling off him in palatable waves.
“You gotta hear what I’m saying. I didn’t fucking cheat,” he yelled again, well past breaking point with his tone exuding the heartbreak I felt within.
A sob tore from my mouth and Mace looked like he was shattering as much as I was. I blinked through my tears and leaned towards Gage, making sure I had his full attention.
“We are done. We are SO FUCKING DONE! Don’t come near me ever again!”
Gage seethed, anger and desperation combining into a frightening expression. “Not happening!”
“Goddammit, just fucking listen, Lil Bean,” Mace yelled and forcefully grabbed one of my arms as if I was his last dying hope.
I felt like a puppet. A stuffed and battered rag doll that two people were tugging over, both wanting to have, but in reality, neither could.
“Let go of me! Let go, let go, let fucking go.” I thrashed wildly against them both.
Gage clenched his teeth and growled, “For fucks sake, Lil, stop thrashing and hear me out. Calm down and I’ll explain exactly what’s going on.”
“I’m not sticking around to listen to your bullshit. Let. Me. Go!”
Gage wore the brunt of my fist when his grasp faltered. It connected with his eye, making it water on impact. Mace released my other arm, and the three of us stood glaring, heaving for breath, and burning from desolation from the inside out.
“Shit, Lil. Please!” Gage pleaded.
“Nothing you can say will ever fix this, either of you,” I said quietly, trying to keep the tremor from my words. I utterly failed.
Turning on my heel, I took off running while frantically digging the car keys from my pocket.
Mace and Gage were arguing as they followed me. Mace stopped at the letterbox and slapped his phone to his ear, whereas Gage didn’t halt until he reached my car.
With a quick twist of my wrist, the engine sparked to life. I scrambled for the internal door locking switch, cursing myself for not doing it sooner when Gage wrenched the door open. His eyes were full of hurt and despair, and his voice broke with conviction as the softly spoken words flowed from his lips and stabbed at my heart.
“She’s dead, Lil.”
I shook my head, not wanting to believe a single word that came from his mouth even though I knew full well that it was more than likely the truth. You simply didn’t say things like that without them being factual.
“I don’t know what to believe anymore. I hate secrets, Gage. And I hate lies even more. Do you honestly think that now you’re back in Auckland we can just pick up like everything was so damn peachy?” My tone pitched, heightened by the suffocating distress that bounced between us. “I refuse to be second best.”
Gage’s features contorted with pain as the full impact of my words slammed into him and penetrated deep. The quiet confession that came slipped from his lips next made my soul shatter.
“Lotte was my everything, my entire goddamn world, and she fucking died.”
His face was red from yelling and his breath was hot on my face with each ragged breath he took. Gage looked into my eyes, breaking me apart impossibly further with a whisper so raw and agonising that it made my entire body ache.
“Lotte died! Do you have any idea how fucked up I feel to love two women?” His quiet words grew in volume until he was bellowing in my face. “To love and pine for a woman I can never have again, the very one that broke my fucking life apart while loving another, which a huge fucking part of me resents for making me feel those feelings again?”
