by Teagan Kade
She’s perfect.
She takes in my leather jacket, collared shirt and jeans. “Well, well, don’t you scrub up nicely? No backwards cap or popped collar?”
I brush down my jacket. “My frat house days are behind me.”
She laughs, taking hold of a small purse. “Sure didn’t seem that way when you thrust your junk in my face on day one.”
“To be fair, it was the meet-and-greet.”
She slips past me, a waft of vanilla perfume following. “We going or are you too busy regaling me about how great you are?”
I take out my keys. “Let me show you to your chariot.”
She whistles when she sees my Dodge Ram.
She stops by the passenger door looking up. “My god. Does this thing have its own zip code?”
I reach up and pull the door open. “Just about. I could probably buy a small city given what it costs to run.”
She steps up onto the running board, the hem of her dress wavering in the breeze, allowing me the briefest view of her inner thigh.
Amen.
I run around to the driver’s side once she’s in and step up, swinging myself into the seat.
She sees the towels sitting on the console, lifting one up. “What are these for? If you think I’m here to lose my virginity in the backseat of your monster truck, you can think again.”
“You’re a virgin?” I ask, seizing on it.
She tries to play it off, but her face has ‘Oh, shit’ written all over it.
I nod. “You are, aren’t you?”
She waves her hand about. “Fine, so what if I am? Is it a crime?”
“At Brown, sure. Virgins are burnt at the stake.”
“Using kegs for fuel?”
I shove the key into the ignition. “So you have been to college.”
The truck grumbles to life, the idle settling, and we’re off down the highway.
Twenty minutes later we arrive at the Starlight Roadside Diner. I pull in. “So, short of driving another hundred miles, this is the best I can do.”
Lacey smiles, hands in her lap. “It’s fine.”
The first sign of trouble is the fact the diner is empty… on a Friday night.
We enter the diner-slash-tomb and take a seat by the window, the neon sign buzzing outside, casting the glass pink.
A waitress arrives and lays down two plastic menus. “Give me a holler when you’re ready.”
Lacey examines what appears to be a cigarette burn in the tabletop laminate. “Wow, you really do go all out, don’t you?”
I pick up a menu. “I like to take my dates to the best restaurant in town. I’m talking waitlists for months, valets, secret rooms… “
Lacey looks around. “And this was the best restaurant in town?”
“It’s the only restaurant in town,” I correct.
“Dante’s does snacks.”
“Nuts and a stale chips do not count.”
Lacey scans the menu. “Burgers, hot dogs, grilled cheese—it’s like the Menu of America or something. I guess I’ll go the grilled cheese and a Coke. I mean, you can’t screw up a grilled cheese, right?”
How wrong she is. When her grilled cheese arrives, it shows a blatant disregard for culinary presentation, the cheese a strange, luminous yellow more aligned with a tennis ball. It does not look like something you’d want anywhere near your mouth.
Strike two, brother.
Thankfully, Lacey sees the funny side of it, holding the plate up. “Is that cheese or nuclear waste? What do you think?”
I look at my burger. It’s not good. “I think my chances of getting laid are slipping further and further away every second this date goes on.”
She picks up her grilled cheese and takes a bite, struggling to swallow it down, but she even manages to make this simple act look sexy. “You give up that easily? You’re telling me you weren’t King Jock at college?”
King Cock, maybe.
I laugh. “No, I was definitely the alpha. I played beer pong with my brothers, organized wet t-shirt competitions and pool parties. I wore around a shirt that said, ‘Get Off My Jock’—not kidding.”
“And you played football, I heard.”
I tighten. “Who did you hear that from?”
“Google’s a pushover. She’ll give up almost anything if you tickle her in the right places.”
“Do you?” I respond.
The corners of her mouth turn up. “I give nothing up easily, but come on, football. Tell me about it. I heard they called you the Dream Machine.” She tries another bite of the world’s worst grilled cheese before reaching for her Coke.
My burger lies half-eaten. I think it’s going to stay that way.
Make it or break it time, bud.
Although Dad had most of the articles relating to my ejection from Brown removed, I can’t be sure Lacey hasn’t read something. But it doesn’t matter either way. For once in my life I want to be completely up front and open with her.
In turn, maybe she’ll open up for me.
I push aside the image of her spreading her legs and reply, “You’re right. I played college ball. I was damn good at it, one of the best, but it fell apart.”
She wipes her mouth with a napkin. “What happened? Concussion give you a sudden moment of clarity?”
Just fucking say it. “I was kicked off the team for using steroids. I was kicked out of college, to be more specific.”
I gauge her reaction carefully, but she seems to be taking it okay. “Don’t those things make your balls shrivel?”
Good one. “You’ve seen them. Do they look shriveled to you?”
“They look like a matching pair of plums—weird, hairless plums, now I think of it. Do you shave down there?”
“I wax.”
She stands up and makes out like she’s leaving. “Well, that’s it… Thanks for the grilled cheese.”
I take hold of her arm and gently lower her back to her seat. “You’re not even going to tongue-lash me about the steroid thing?”
She shrugs, straightening out her dress. “People make mistakes, Payton. I get it. Clearly, you’ve smartened up.”
“How do you figure that?”
“You’re choosing to be a firefighter instead of a football star. You’re choosing to save lives instead of field goals. It’s honorable.”
She has a point.
She points to her temple. “You sure those steroids didn’t do any permanent damage up here, though?”
I smile. “Not enough to stop me taking ‘Top of Class’ come week sixteen.”
She laughs back, sliding her fork back and forth across the table with her finger. “The only thing you’ll be top of is the Captain’s shit list if you keep that up.”
“Like I’m not already. The guy’s got a hard-on for dishing out pain.”
Lacey looks under the table. “Beats having a hard-on, full stop,” I suppose.
She is. She’s actually flirting with me right now. Game on indeed. “I can’t help it I find you sexually attractive.”
She leans over the table, face held in her hands. “And what, pray tell, do you find so attractive?”
“Where to begin? would be the better question.”
There’s something between us, alright. I’m certain about that now.
She changes the topic. “Tell me about your family.”
I lean back. “There’s not much too tell. They’re filthy rich and I’ve never wanted for a thing. I grew up in a three-story apartment in New York the size of a baseball field. I went to a high school that cost more per semester than most people make in a year. I was a fucking brat and I’m not ashamed to admit it.”
She nods. “At least you’re honest. I grew up in a house the size of a dugout in a tiny town where the highlight is the historic clock in the town square. Dad didn’t have life insurance, so Mom lived day to day to support us. She still works, offered to help pay for any kind of education that didn’t involve firefighting, not that she has th
e money and not that I’d ever take it from her. She’s worked hard enough.”
I push the burger aside. “It sounds like we come from different worlds.”
“But they say opposites attract.”
We hold our gaze there, the neon sign buzzing, the grill sizzling in the back in preparation for tonight’s next lucky victims.
Lacey is the first to break. “Do you still play football?”
I shake my head. “I haven’t picked up a ball since they booted me from the Bears, and that’s probably for the best. Sometimes you just have to let dreams die.”
She reels back. “Whoa, way to put a downer on the evening.”
I motion at her plate. “Well, the food certainly isn’t doing me any favors, is it?”
Right on cue ‘Delores’ arrives to see if we want dessert.
I’d rather a triple bypass.
“Noooooo,” we reply in unison, struggling to contain our laughter.
Dolores looks genuinely puzzled. “Suit yourselves.”
It’s certainly the cheapest date I’ve been on, but there’s no pressure, no feigning something I’m not. I feel like I can be myself around Lacey, increasingly so.
I place down cash and a tip, going to stand. I put out my hand. “Shall we… unless you want to sample what kind of exotic virus makes for an aperitif around here.”
She laughs. “I think I’ll take my chances at the gas station.”
I stop the truck at the only gas station in town, returning with two ice cream sandwiches, handing one to Lacey as I get in. “It was either this or jerky, and you don’t strike me as a jerky kind of girl.”
She starts to unwarp her ice cream. “Maybe I’ve got a collection of guns at home, a boar’s head on the wall, a camo bedspread…”
“You’d look sexy in camo.”
“Really?” she smiles. “I hear it’s most unflattering.”
I turn to her as we pull out trying not to make a mess unwrapping my own sandwich. “’Unflattering’ is not a word that comes to mind when I look at you.”
She shrugs it off, but I can see her blushing, that bulletproof exterior starting to crack.
The way she’s licking at the end of her ice cream has me close to creaming my pants. I’m so fucking hard it’s outrageous, the top of my cock pressing against the bottom of the steering wheel. There’s no way I can hide it. It’d be like trying to force a bear trap back into position.
Lacey takes a gentle bite of the ice cream, her coral tongue flicking out to lick her lower lip. “I’m going to take a wild stab here and surmise this date isn’t going as well as you’d hoped?” she says.
“Was it the grilled cheese that resembled old chewing gum or the torn vinyl seating that did it?”
She laughs. “I’m not a fancy girl. Do you see my Louis Vuitton handbag or Tiffany earrings on display?”
“Tiffany earrings would look amazing on you.”
She rolls her head. “I mean, come on. I’m the only female at the Hot House. How many little girls do you know who want to be a firefighter when they grow up?”
“I can’t say I’ve seen any firefighter Barbies.”
She twists in the seat, the hem of her dress rising to expose the milky white of her thighs. “Actually, there was a firefighting Barbie—1994 Career Collection. She even came with a hard hat.”
I catch on. “You’re serious? You’ve always wanted to be a firefighter.
“Is it really so hard to believe? I was too young to remember, but Mom says Dad used to bring one of the trucks home, take me down to the station. Apparently they were my second family down there.”
“You’re something else, Lacey Nelson.”
I see the turn-off and take a right. “Here we are.”
Lacey looks out the window at the bone-dry landscape passing by. “I think I saw this in Breaking Bad once.”
“You think I’m dragging you out into the middle of the desert to break your legs?”
She looks straight ahead. “Maybe you’re trying to get rid of the competition, take home that ‘Top of Class’ trophy for yourself.”
“That trophy is coming home with me.”
“Is that a fact?” She looks at me closely. “I see it now.”
“What’s that? My dashing good looks?”
“No, I see the big issue between us.”
“Which is?”
She’s looking at me through slitted eyelids. “We’re both competitive, desperate to prove ourselves.”
“Last I checked, that was a positive attribute to have. Besides, competition is a part of life. It’s just our evolutionary instincts coming out.”
“To be the big, bad alpha male,” she laughs, using her fingers to air-quote. “I guess that’s going to make you feel real silly when you get your ass handed to you by a ‘girl.’”
“Are you insinuating you’re not?” I lower my eyes to her chest. “Because from where I’m sitting it sure as hell looks like you’re of the female persuasion.”
“I guess you’ve never been to Thailand then.”
“Trust me,” I tell her, “I know a real girl when I see one. And let’s not forget I have seen you naked.”
I take the left and pull up, the sign for the thermal springs well-faded, a relic from the fifties.
Lacey whistles. “Wow, I’ve seen some horror film sets in my time, but this takes the cake.”
It’s not quite the desert paradise I was picturing, but there’s still hot water (hopefully) and a chance to get half-naked.
I help Lacey out of the car. She looks over at the rock pools. “Hot springs, out here? It wasn’t exactly well-posted.”
I take out the towels. “What can I say? I had insider information.”
“But I didn’t bring my swimsuit.”
I can’t help but grin. “Funny, neither did I.”
She laughs. “If this was your grand plan to get me naked on the first date, you’re out of luck, buster.”
I haven’t been called ‘buster’ in my life. I put my hands up. “Who said anything about going in naked? Underwear’s fine by me… though if you’re desperate to see my package again…”
She rolls her eyes and pulls her dress over her head, her bra-clad breasts lifting and falling back into position. God damn they are amazing.
She’s wearing matching lace panties—a surprisingly racy shade of red.
I sling off my own shirt, catch the way she side-glances my way. It’s cute.
I strip away my jeans as she twists to take off her heels.
And there it is.
I was not expecting her to be wearing a thong, but it’s sure as fuck welcome.
She holds a finger up. “Take one look at my ass and I’ll drown you in that damn hot spring.”
“Yes, ma’am.” I point. “I guess I’ll go first then?”
The spring water looks a touch murky, but given we’ve come as all this way, I’m not about to back out.
The first pool’s circular, about the size of a small Jacuzzi.
I kick away a beer bottle as I dip a foot in, and fuck me, it’s actually hot.
“How is it?” Lacey asks, standing there nervously.
“What would you know,” I reply, “the hot springs are hot.”
There’s a sort of natural shelf to sit on, keeping most of my chest above water.
I watch Lacey step in slowly, careful to avoid showing me her backside. She sits in and reclines back opposite me, visibly relaxing. “Damn. This is kind of nice.”
She tilts her chin towards the tattoo on my chest. “What’s with the weird gypsy eyes?”
I look down. “They looked a lot better on the tattoo parlor wall, trust me.”
“I know how this went down. You were out with your pledge brothers, probably drunk…”
“You’re half right, but I wasn’t drunk.”
“So, just stupid then.”
I look down again. “Girls dig it.”
“They love the fact your right pec is staring
back at them?”
“Something like that.”
She spans her arms across the rock behind her. “What about that poor girl you were trying to put through the wall the first night?”
I laugh aloud at that. “You mean Mrs. Palmer?”
“Who?”
I hold up my hand, curling my fingers. “Mrs. Palmer and Pornhub.”
She starts to get it. “But what about the headboard banging on the wall?”
I shrug. “What can I say? I get enthusiastic. Besides, you’re the only girl on campus, remember?”
“What about the receptionist?”
I gag. “Um, no. Drive Miss Daisy I do not.”
Lacey’s gaze narrows again, her face framed by the braid above. “So, tell me, what were you looking up, on PornTube or whatever it is.”
I jerk my head to the side. “Videos featuring a particular type of girl.”
“Oh?”
“Blonde, petite, a bit feisty.”
She shakes her head at me. “Talking about other girls is not going to get you laid.”
“No?” I smile. “What is?”
Suddenly, her face bunches up. She shifts on the spot, reaching below the water.
For a moment, I think she’s going to take off her thong off, really get this party started.
That was too easy, I’m thinking.
…Until she pulls something out of the water. She looks at it in her hand.
I lean closer. “What the hell is that?”
Her head tilts left and right trying to examine it. “Um, some kind of funny white worm? A Twinkie?”
“Why does the Twinkie have a string?” I ask.
It hits us at the same time, Lacey screaming and flinging it from her hand. “Please tell me that was not a tampon I was holding.”
“That was not a tampon.” I tell her.
At the same moment, I feel something round and rubbery under my toe.
Nope.
Lacey’s out of the water so fast she doesn’t even bother to turn around, her ass on full display as she goes climbing back onto land. I follow her, definitely not keen to find out what other surprises are lurking below.
“My god. My god. My god,” she mutters, turning around and around on the spot searching for more offending female hygiene products. “Is there anything else on me?”
I’m cracking up at the ludicrousness of it all. Any chance I did have of getting laid is long gone by now.
