We stood there, officially entering our third moment of uncomfortable silence, and neither of us made a move to leave, making it feel like the end of one of those phone conversations where you keep telling the other person to hang up first. If we were dudes, we would have already shaken hands or bumped fists. If we were old friends or lovers we would have hugged or kissed. Since I didn’t know what we were, I decided to keep it simple and use words.
“Alrighty then, I’ll see you in the morning,” I said.
“Yeah, or maybe sooner,” she responded, as she handed me back my drink then retreated into her room and closed the door.
Interesting. Was Tatyana hinting at a potential love connection, or was that me attempting to fabricate a foolish male fantasy? I continued to ponder that thought as I headed back to my cabin, only to inadvertently cross paths with John. He was headed in the direction I had just come from, which meant he was most likely on his way to Tatyana’s cabin.
“Hello, Sasquatch. What brings you out here?”
“Just getting a midnight snack.”
“Yeah—maybe if tits were one of the four food groups.”
“They’re not?”
“Depends on the situation. Some might categorize them as dairy.”
“Well, don’t worry, my friend, as I’m just off to the galley,” he said, in his best politician’s voice.
Yeah. We both knew damn well where he was headed.
“Say hello to Tatyana for me,” I said, as I continued on to my room.
John certainly put the vice in vice president. I reached the door to my cabin and heard the unmistakable sound of snoring coming from the direction of Lux and Corn’s room. At least that cherub of a man was asleep in his bed and, therefore, not bedding Lux. The thought of them being married was bad enough, but the idea of them actually consummating their marriage within earshot might induce a little late night nausea. I slipped into my cabin, closed the door, and plugged my iPhone into the stereo system and instantly felt better to have a little downtime on the Vandenberg jet—which was oddly starting to feel like my home away from home. With the music playing, I headed for the bathroom and set my drink next to the sink then undressed and stepped into the fancy bathtub. I decided to keep it simple and skipped the Jacuzzi option and went with a plain old shower. Still, the hot water felt just like heaven as I lathered up and listened to the music, all the while enjoying the remnants of my vodka buzz. After rinsing off all the important parts, I stepped out and dried off.
As I pondered what I was going to wear to bed, there was a knock at the door, and I had to wonder who in the hell might be my late night visitor. It certainly wouldn’t be Corn, as I could still hear and feel the rumble of his snoring coming through the wall. It was also doubtful it would be John or Tatyana, as they were probably in her cabin, where he was most certainly relaying his undying love. Having his majesty the vice president and a single woman as beautiful as Tatyana on the same plane with him was like dangling a filet mignon in front of a Doberman Pinscher. I wrapped my towel around my waist then walked over and opened the door to find Lux standing there wearing only a silk robe over her particularly sexy bra and underwear. Sweet titans of temptation!
“Hello, Tag.”
“Hello, Lux—what brings you by at this hour?”
“Can I use your shower?”
“No.”
“I’m serious.”
“So am I.”
“Come on. Stop fucking around and let me in.”
“Do I get to wash your boobs?”
“Yeah, if you think you can you handle the job,” she said as she exposed her breasts and gave them a seductive wiggle.
I was, of course, caught completely off guard by the gesture and stared stupidly, which gave her the opportunity to push me aside and make her way into the room.
“So, Jugs, is there any actual reason why you’re not using your own bathroom?”
“Corn is passed out drunk in the tub.”
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”
“Nope. Unfortunately for me, he decided to sleep in there, so he’d be close to the toilet in case he needed to throw up.”
“Ahhh—the joys of marrying a midwestern farm boy.”
“Yeah, and now you get to enjoy the view that the farm boy is missing because he chose too much booze and a night in a bathroom over me,” Lux said, as she abruptly slipped off her robe and removed her bra and underwear.
I gazed in quiet wonder at the curves that had haunted my every day and night for the last ten years and realized that the experience was making me feel a little weak in the knees but strong in the groin.
“You, of course, know that you could have undressed in the bathroom,” I said.
“Yeah, but it wouldn’t have been as exciting for you.”
“There is nothing as cold as the cold calculating cruelty of a woman.”
“Probably true,” she said, with a smile as she disappeared from view and closed the door.
I heard the shower turn on, and I decided to sit down on the bed, sip my cocktail, and think about what an awkward situation this all was becoming. The former love of my life was naked in my shower, while her husband, my former best friend, was dozing peacefully in the very next room. Stranger still, at the other end of the plane, the Vice President of the United States was very likely trying to bed one of our pilots. I took another sip and tried to clear my mind, but images of a naked bathing Lux and our brief, though exciting, tryst on Soft Taco Island kept resurfacing, and soon a familiar tingling in my gentleman region made it clear that I was on the verge of a semi. Fuck.
There was another knock and, now, I had to wonder who in the hell my next visitor might be. I walked over, opened the door, and there stood Tatyana looking sinfully delicious in a sheer silk robe over the same bra and underwear from earlier, and, again, my eyes were drawn to her enticing curves. Being in the presence of this much bare-naked beauty in such a small space was suddenly making me feel like a diabetic in a donut shop, and my head was starting to spin. Or perhaps it was all the alcohol, though a more accurate diagnosis was that my weak male brain was emptying of blood—the majority of it flowing south to the organ that resided just below my waist.
“What brings you by?” I asked.
“I wanted to talk.”
“About?”
“Sex, mostly.”
Gulp.
“Um.”
She pushed past me, sat on the bed, then pointed at my towel.
“Nice outfit. Were you expecting company?”
“You didn’t get the Evite? It specified bedroom casual.”
“No, I missed it. Will this do?”
“Absolutely. Drink?” I asked.
“I’d love one.”
I went to the mini bar and poured her some rum.
“Cheers,” I said, as we clinked glasses and took a sip, whereupon Tatyana lit up like a child on Christmas morning.
“Holy shit is that good rum!” she said.
“It is, isn’t it? I got it on Soft Taco Island.”
There was a noise from inside the bathroom, and Tatyana looked concerned.
“Company?” she asked.
“Kind of. Lux needed to borrow my shower.”
Before Tatyana could respond, the bathroom door opened and there stood Lux in a towel.
“Ah, the rum. You know that he stole that case from the presidential palace and smuggled it out while the entire Soft Taco Security Force chased us across the island,” she said.
“It was certainly worth it,” Tatyana countered.
“Thank you. I thought so too,” I said, giving Lux a smug smile.
After a short, awkward silence, I decided to do the gentlemanly thing and offer Lux a drink as well.
“Rum, Lux?”
“Obviously,” she said, as she strolled over and sat on the bed across from Tatyana.
“I could use a refill as well while you’re at it,” Tatyana said, holding out her glass.
/> I refilled their glasses, and the three of us drank quietly—no one sure what to say. Tatyana finished her drink first then reached across and put her hand on Lux’s shoulder and smiled.
“I didn’t realize that Tag had company. I should probably be going,” Tatyana said.
“Absolutely not! I was just borrowing Finn’s shower, because fucking Corn is passed out in mine.”
“Oh, well, in that case, I’ll take a refill.”
“Me too,” Lux said.
I had suddenly gone from a quiet night alone to an impromptu cocktail party, the dress code particularly casual, the guests particularly beautiful, and I had to wonder how this evening would end. I refilled their glasses then sat behind them on the bed, and, soon, everyone was chatting like magpies and powering through the rum. The longer I sat there, the more I found myself drunkenly hypnotized by my two scantily clad guests, and I had to make a point not to stare or drool. It was truly paradise on earth to be sitting smack dab in the presence of this much beauty, and part of me considered refraining from drinking any more alcohol for fear I would do or say something unbelievably stupid. Fortunately, I managed to avoid any major social faux pas, and the three of us continued talking and drinking until our evening appeared to be coming to an end when Tatyana looked over at the clock and sighed.
“Oh wow, it’s getting late, and I should probably get to bed,” she said.
“No, I should leave,” Lux, countered.
“No, I should.”
“Ridiculous, I should.”
“It’s OK, Lux, I’ll go.”
“No, seriously, you should stay, and I’ll go,” Lux responded.
At that point my drunken inner man-voice became my outer drunken man-voice.
“Why don’t you settle it with a pillow fight? Isn’t that what you two would have done in college?” I blurted out.
“Oh—my—God! Did you seriously just say that?” Lux asked.
“No,” I responded, feigning stupidity having realized I was treading on dangerous ground.
“Oh yes you did, and now you’re going to pay for it,” she said, her voice slurring ever so slightly as she picked up a pillow and stared ominously at me.
“Seriously, I was totally kidding,” I said.
Lux didn’t respond, and worse still, Tatyana also reached down and picked up a pillow.
“Easy there, tigresses. There’s no need for anyone to get hurt.”
“Except, perhaps, you.”
I realized that my fear of saying something stupid had finally come to fruition when each of them moved into attack positions on either side of me. It seemed oddly ironic to punish a misogynistic remark with a male fantasy scenario, but this apparently hadn’t dawned on either of my tipsy guests. I looked down and saw one remaining sip of rum at the bottom of my boot glass, and I decided I better finish it while I still could. I gulped it down and put my glass on the bedside table, where it would hopefully be safe from any collateral damage should the inevitable battle occur.
“Come on now! A pillow fight? Seriously?”
There was still no response or sign of de-escalation, so it would appear that I potentially faced a new kind of war—one fought with pillows, honor, and a lot of heart.
“OK, I’m sorry. It was a stupid comment.” I said, making a final attempt at resolution.
My efforts had obviously failed for they both proceeded to nail me square in the face with their pillows. Before the next round came, however, I brought my hands up to shield my head from the blows, but was surprised at how quickly they changed tactics and came back in with strikes to the body. The third wave was even more effective, as they started alternating their target zones to create openings, and each time I dared to open my eyes I’d see a flash of white just an instant before I took a hit to my face or body. The pillows, which I once thought of as innocent things of the night, became down filled flails in the capable hands of raucous women. Men always made jokes about women having pillow fights in their skimpy underwear, but I was starting to think that fantasy might be based on the true accounts of the few men who survived such deadly encounters. These weren’t the playful hits of sorority sisters. They were out for blood, and, faced with no other alternative than my impending mortality, I retreated in desperation by trying to burrow under the blanket. My foes were incredibly tenacious, however, and drew me out by firing off simultaneous shots to my groin and face, and, if I were to stand any chance of seeing the dawn of another day, I would need a weapon.
Lux took a weak swing, and I managed to trap her pillow, which seemed like a good move until she yanked off my towel. Now I was naked and trapped, but you don’t really worry about things like that when you’re in the shit. It’s all about survival at that point, so I swung and hit Lux before turning the pillow on Tatyana. She giggled drunkenly and returned the blow, the impact making her breasts wobble hypnotically. Her laughter made her next hit weak, and I got hold of her pillow, thus giving me two weapons and a real chance at survival. I got off four good consecutive blows utilizing the two-weapon stick fighting techniques of Arnis—an ancient and effective Philippine martial art that translated perfectly to the soft art of pillow fighting. Now that I had the advantage, however, they used their superior numbers to move in and attempt to disarm me. I fought their onslaught with the might of Hercules, but my efforts were as futile as a child’s, for they overtook me and subsequently retrieved their pillows. In the confusion of the next brutal melee, I blindly reached out to slow their advance and inadvertently ended up with Lux’s breast in my left hand and Tatyana’s in my right—each of my index fingers conveniently resting upon one of their nipples.
“Sweet victory is mine!” I yelled, triumphantly.
Tatyana refused to accept defeat and, in a last ditch effort, grabbed hold of my man-parts. With my attention diverted, Lux knocked me onto my back, engulfing my face in her bountiful cleavage. They were desperate though still giggling like schoolgirls, fighting hard, and willing to risk everything to win the day. I, therefore, needed to take back the advantage and that entailed reaching up and using Lux’s breasts as leverage points to roll her sideways, but I hadn’t counted on her using that freedom to join in Tatyana’s assault on my groin. It was officially the first time in my life that I had two women’s hands on my privates, so it was no surprise when the inevitable occurred only a moment later. With the certainty that the sun rises and sets, I was soon sporting a proud and unflinching boner.
Both women stopped fighting and grew quiet as they stared at my manhood—the outrage evident in their angry expressions. I had, apparently, brought an illegal weapon into the fight, but what did they expect after wrestling around in their skimpy unmentionables? It wasn’t fair that women didn’t sport such obvious signs of arousal. What did they have to worry about? A red flushing of the skin, hard nipples? Big deal. How the hell was I supposed to hide the pink obelisk standing between my legs? We men were like open books, and our penises a bold bookmark to detail our unabashed arousal.
“What the hell is this?” Tatyana asked, with my hard penis in her vice-like grip.
“Yeah, where the hell did that come from you fucking pervert?” Lux added, whose hands were also still latched onto my manhood, one above Tatyana’s on my shaft, the other cupping my balls.
It wasn’t fair. No man could have remained boner-free after that pillow fight, least of all, with the boobsy twins double teaming Lord Boneroy and his twin dull witted stepchildren Harry and Satchel. Before I could answer, however, the door opened and in walked Corn, his eyes red and his expression dull.
“Is everything all right in here? I heard the commotion and wondered what the hell was going on,” he said, with a slow drunken slur.
“Oh hi, honey,” Lux said, smiling innocently, as she immediately let go of my privates.
It was a nice try at innocence, but her disheveled appearance told a different tale, and it certainly didn’t help that one of Tatyana’s breasts had fallen out of her bra during the me
lee. If only the pillow fight had lasted just a little longer, I probably would have had the other one out as well. Just then, John came in and stood beside Corn, also looking utterly confused or, perhaps, jealous. Honestly, I was too drunk and uncomfortable to be sure.
“Wow, what did I miss?” John asked.
Tatyana noticed John staring at her breast and quickly slipped it back into her bra.
“Oh—just a little pillow fight,” I said, using a pillow to cover my manhood.
“Why are you naked?” Corn asked, slurring his words and rocking ever so slightly as he tried to remain on his feet.
“I wasn’t when it started. Things got a little out of control.”
“What’s with the boner?” John asked, stifling a laugh.
“Conflict is an aphrodisiac.”
“What?” Corn said, shaking his head groggily.
“You don’t remember all the boners we used to get?”
“No,” John and Corn said at the same time.
“It’s OK, honey. We’re just having fun. Go back to bed, and I’ll be over in a minute to tuck you in,” Lux said.
Corn rubbed his head and looked confused.
“I got this,” John said, before walking Corn out of the room.
The door closed, and the three of us looked at each other.
“Awkward. What do you think he’ll remember in the morning?” I asked.
“He’s completely hammered, so hopefully nothing.”
The door opened a moment later, and John came back in smiling as he walked over and held up his hand for a high five.
“Dude—seriously awesome!” he said, as I brought my hand to his, thus completing the act of male revelry.
“I must say, I am both impressed and also extremely jealous,” he added, before turning and walking out of the room.
I looked at the girls and felt mildly embarrassed by the exchange with John.
“Men are pigs,” Lux said.
“Seriously,” Tatyana added.
“Well, I guess I better get to bed,” Lux said, as she walked out of my room.
“Good night, Finn,” Tatyana said, following her out the door.
I lay back on the bed and tried to come to terms with the last ten minutes. It was quite a battle, and one I would surely never forget.
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