by J. O Mantel
“This hasn’t been easy for me, Hunter. I saw how heartbroken you were after Bree died, and that was why I wanted to tread carefully. I had no desire to tell you how I felt about you at a moment that was so gut-wrenching for you. You’d just lost the most important person in your life, and I knew you’d be crazy to even think about dating someone else, especially me. But it didn’t change how I felt about you, how I still feel about you.”
Hunter studied him closely as he tried to digest exactly what Andy was telling him. First there was a combination of shock and disbelief, but when he saw the sincerity that Andy was showing him, Hunter didn’t know what to say or do, except listen.
“The last thing I want to do is freak you out, or more importantly, lose you as a friend. That was also one of the reasons why I didn’t tell you sooner, because I care about our friendship too much.”
“How … how long has this been going on? I mean, have you been watching me? Stalking me?” Hunter inquired.
“No! Nothing like that. I’ve had these feelings for quite some time now, since Bree died, but I’ve never said anything, not to anyone. I don’t spy on you or watch while you’re having a shower, or anything like that. I’d never do that to you, Hunter, but I’ll be honest, seeing you without a shirt on… drives me fucking crazy.”
Hunter crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back on the couch, totally bewildered and unsure of what to say.
“But I don’t understand. I’m straight, Andy, and you’ve known that the entire time you’ve known me. Why would you even have these thoughts if you knew nothing would ever happen between us?”
“Doesn’t mean I can’t dream, but, if I’m being honest, I kind of hoped that if we—”
“Don’t finish that sentence,” Hunter told him. “Andy, I’m straight, okay? I’m a guy. What I feel for you, what I could ever feel for you, is nothing more than friendship. I’m sorry, I know it’s not what you want to hear, but since we’re having the discussion, I need to be up front with you, considering.”
“Considering what?” Andy asked.
“Considering we’re living together at the moment, and that things can’t get awkward between us, especially since I promised your parents I’d take care of you while they were gone.”
“And what about me? What about what I want?”
“I’m not sure I understand your question?”
“You said you’re being upfront. Well, now I want to be upfront with you. Hunter, I ...” He thought very carefully before allowing himself to say the words he’d been dying to tell Hunter since he first started having feelings for him. “I love you, Hunter.”
What?
Hunter’s eyes widened. He leaned forward and pushed himself off the couch. He walked over to the window and stared out onto the busy Saturday evening traffic.
“Love?” he scoffed. “How can you possibly love me, Andy?”
“Quite easily, Hunter.”
“That wasn’t a question.” He turned his head, now giving his full attention to Andy, “I’m all kinds of fucked up at the moment, not to mention confused.”
“It’s okay to feel confused. I don’t expect you to understand it all, but I do, and it feels very real to me. I want you to know, Hunter, I didn’t tell you this to hurt you. I told you because I wanted to be completely honest with you.”
Hunter remained frozen and kept his hands in his pants pockets, looking at the expression on Andy’s face. There was a lot more going on here right now than Hunter wanted to think about, fuck, he didn’t even want to deal with it. An electric current was traveling through his veins and all he wanted to do, was get the fuck out of there, forgetting the fact that all this was happening right in his very own living room.
But as much as he wanted to escape, he also couldn’t explain the feeling in the pit of his stomach that was keeping him in the room. His gaze scanned his surroundings, doing everything possible to avoid eye contact with Andy. A sensation washed over him, a sensation that made him suddenly feel alone and left out, which sounded completely stupid considering Andy was sitting less than two feet away from him, telling him that he was in love with him.
“I’m not sure I know exactly how to respond to any of this,” Hunter confessed. “This … this is a lot for me to process right now.”
“Talk to me, Hunter, tell me what you’re feeling? What’s going through your mind?” Andy asked.
“Right now? A whole damn lot, actually. And you know what, I can’t believe you picked today of all days, to tell me this. Do you have any idea how important today was … is?”
“Of course I know how important today is. I get that you’re angry, but I wanted to tell you now before—”
“Before what, exactly?” Hunter cut in. “Before I realized that maybe I might be attracted to you, too?”
Fuck!
Now it was Andy who looked at Hunter with wide eyes. He stood from the couch and took a step toward Hunter, who was still standing motionless beside the window.
“What did you just say?” Andy asked.
“I … uh, I’m not thinking straight, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”
“But you did, Hunter, you did say it. Which means there’s more going on here than both of us are letting on.”
“There’s nothing going on here, other than the fact that I’m standing in my own living room, having a conversation that I shouldn’t be having.”
He headed over to the coffee table and scooped up his phone, placing it in his pocket before he picked up the dishes and stalked to the kitchen to stack them in the dishwasher. Closing the door, he leaned over the kitchen counter, clasping his hands together.
“It’s okay to be afraid of trying new things, you know,” Andy said, making his way toward the kitchen. “The last thing I want is for you to get hurt, but what you have to understand, is that these feelings I have for you are very real.”
“Stop it. I … I need to get my head around this, all of this. I need to get my head around you.”
Hunter’s confession made Andy’s body react. To what exactly was anyone’s guess, but judging by the way Hunter was thoroughly eyeing him right now, Andy had to wonder.
“You’re saying you need to get your head around everything, but tell me, what does your curiosity say?”
“My curiosity?” Hunter questioned.
“Yeah? You haven’t stopped looking at my body the entire time I’ve been here.”
“What?! No, I … uh … I’m …” But Hunter’s words failed him.
“Does being alone in the same room with another guy make you feel uncomfortable?” Andy asked.
“No, of course not. It’s not that, it’s ...”
“What is it?” Andy questioned.
“Andy … this is crazy, nuts even. Right now, I have all sorts of crazy things going through my mind. Things that I shouldn’t be thinking about, especially today.”
Andy continued to stare at Hunter. He wanted to get inside his brain and figure out exactly what he was thinking about. But as he stood there, his eyes locked with Hunter’s, he could feel himself getting lost in them.
“Why, Hunter? Why shouldn’t you be thinking about them?”
“Because it’s wrong. All of it. These … these unexplained thoughts that I have, these feelings ...”
He immediately paused. The last word escaped his lips before he had a chance to take it back. He sighed in frustration and slammed his fists on the counter before walking toward the liquor cabinet. He opened the door and reached for the bottle of Jim Beam. He filled a glass before he picked it up and drained the contents.
“Shit, I had no idea that a confession would cause you to become a struggling alcoholic,” Andy said.
Hunter put the glass on the sink before he turned around and leaned over the counter again. “I’m glad you think this is funny. You have no idea how hard this is for me right now.”
Andy took a step forward and placed h
is palms on the counter next to him. “Was I laughing? I don’t think so. I’m just trying to understand you, Hunter, trying to understand what you’re feeling.”
“You could never, ever understand what I’m feeling, Andy,” he snapped.
Hunter reached for the Jim Beam again and poured himself another glass.
“Would you stop and talk to me,” Andy ordered.
“No. There’s nothing to talk about,” Hunter replied, taking a huge gulp of his drink.
“So, you’d rather stay up all night and drink yourself into a coma, than talk about it?”
“Sounds like a great plan to me.”
He lifted the glass to his lips again and drained the rest of the contents. With a shaky hand, he placed the glass on the counter. Andy looked at him and settled his hand over Hunter’s, trying to calm him down.
“Don’t do this, Hunter. Don’t shut me out. I’m here to talk, there’s no one else here, just you and me.”
Pushing the glass aside, Hunter stood straight and turned to face Andy, crossing his arms over his chest. “Why?” he asked.
Andy raised his eyebrows and gave him a confused look.
“Why now, why did you choose today, of all days, to tell me?”
Andy scanned his body from head to toe, and Hunter could tell that he was getting frustrated with the lack of answers, and the truth was, Hunter wasn’t entirely sure he even had the answers for Andy, not the answers he was looking for anyway.
“It’s the most romantic day of the year, Hunter. What better day to tell someone how you feel about them, than Valentine’s Day?”
“Yeah … one of the most painful days of my life,” Hunter snapped, turning away so that he wasn’t tempted to stare at the eyes he knew were directed at him. He took a deep breath and turned toward the bedroom.
“Hunter, please,” Andy pleaded.
Hunter stopped and quickly turned around so that he was now looking Andy directly in the eye.
“I don’t have answers for you, Andy. I need time… to think and process everything. Not to mention, there’s someone else here that I need to think about.”
“You need to think about your happiness, too, Hunter, and your future. You need to think about what’s going to make you happy. If you can’t do that, then you’re never going to find happiness. Is that what you really want?”
“Maybe it is,” Hunter quickly snapped.
“Oh, come on, you don’t really mean that.”
Hunter didn’t say a word, and the two of them remained silent for several seconds. Hunter contemplated pouring himself another drink, but his mind was already spinning. Whether it was from the conversation or the previous two drinks he’d had, he wasn’t entirely sure.
Valentine’s Day had really turned out to be an interesting, not to mention, extremely complicated day, and certainly not the Valentine’s Day Hunter was used to. Standing there, with Andy directly in front of him, made his heart skip several beats and his insides fill with an unexplained sensation, making him want to run and escape the confines of his own home. He turned and leaned over the counter again, placing his head in his hands before he shut his eyes.
A small part of him was hoping that he’d open them and Andy would be gone and all this was just a crazy, complicated dream. Another part of him wanted to explore the unexpected feelings that he’d been having these past weeks, but the thought of that freaked him the fuck out. He rubbed his hands over his face, trying to gather some form of control. It was getting late and he was tired, all he wanted to do was climb into bed, curl up, fall asleep, and just forget this entire conversation had ever happened.
“Hunter, I don’t expect you to understand any of this, but I can tell you that the feelings I have for you are very real, and they have been for a while. I know that sounds crazy and fucked up, and you probably don’t want to hear it, but I can’t lie. I can’t lie about my feelings for you, and right now, from where I’m standing, you’re pretty fucking perfect.”
Hunter pushed off the counter, and as he found himself staring at Andy once more, he felt his nerves kick in. His heart was pounding so hard it almost made his chest hurt, and he waited for whatever else Andy had to say, but when no words came from his mouth, a fear of rejection swept over Hunter. As confusing and uncertain as things were at the moment, the last thing Hunter wanted was to lose his best friend. He blinked several times, and as they both remained perfectly still, eyes locked on one another, Hunter realized that Andy wasn’t going anywhere. The pounding noise in his head made it difficult for him to form a sentence, as he tried to comprehend what Andy was saying, but he still remained silent.
“I don’t know what I’m supposed to say or do. I can’t even make sense of what I’m feeling, especially what I’m feeling for you. I have so many reasons going through my mind for why this is wrong.”
Andy took a step forward and leaned in closer to Hunter so they were only a few inches apart. His lips curved into a smile as he studied Hunter’s confused expression and said, “Maybe it’s time to rewrite the stars, Hunter.”
“Rewrite the stars?” Hunter questioned.
“What if this is your fate? What if this is exactly what was meant to happen for you, Hunter?”
Was this fate? Was this what Bree had meant when she told Hunter that he needed to love again after she died? Andy’s gaze didn’t leave his, and Hunter came to realize that maybe there was a future for them. His eyes were threatening tears, and the thought of being with anyone else made him feel as though he was being unfaithful to Bree.
“I’m sorry, Andy, but I can’t, none of this feels right.”
“Only because you’re not giving it a chance to feel right. Tell me, haven’t you ever been curious?”
“Curious?” Hunter asked.
“Yeah, you know … ever wondered what it would be like to be with a man?”
“No! It’s not something I’ve ever thought about, it’s not natural. Bree was a part of my life for so many years, our love was so strong that I never even thought of spending my life with anyone else. This isn’t right, and I feel like I would be betraying her and the love we once shared,” Hunter said.
“Then tell me, Hunter, tell me what I can do to make it feel right,” Andy pleaded.
“I … I don’t want you to waste your time,” Hunter said on a shaky breath.
“Waste my time?” Andy questioned him.
“Waiting for something to happen, because I can’t promise you that it will. I don’t even know what I’m feeling right now. All I know is my head is telling me one thing, and my heart is telling me something else.”
Andy smiled, and Hunter was almost positive he could see tears in his eyes as Andy spoke his next words. “Then go with your heart,” he whispered, brushing a hand along Hunter’s cheek.
Hunter closed his eyes, and he could feel the tears threatening to escape.
Fuck! Why am I feeling like this?
“I’m so sorry, Andy. There are a million reasons why I … we can’t do this.”
As Hunter’s eyes flashed open, they locked with Andy’s.
“Don’t you ever apologize for the way you feel, but I can tell you now, I can think of only one reason why we can do this,” Andy whispered, his voice resigned, and Hunter knew he was disappointed. Andy’s body pressed against Hunter’s as he leaned forward and whispered in Hunter’s ear. “Take all the time you need, I’m not going anywhere.” As he said the words, he pulled back until his eyes locked with Hunter’s once more.
Hunter stood there, completely paralyzed, processing, and making sense of everything Andy had just said. He also couldn’t deny how his body reacted whenever he was in the same room with Andy. He was a mess—a confused and emotional mess—and he needed to sort himself the fuck out.
“This is all so crazy. I’m confused as fuck right now, and I just need some time to process all this. I’m sorry, I hope you can understand that.”
“Of course
I can understand that,” Andy started. “I think there’s been a lot of confessions tonight, and I know this is all overwhelming for you. I think it’s best if we both just crash and go to bed. We can talk about this when you’re ready,” he finished.
The two of them continued to stare at one another. Hunter sighed and turned his attention away from Andy. There was no way he was going to get any sleep tonight, not when his mind was racing a million miles an hour with reasons as to why this was all sorts of wrong.
But why? Why is this wrong?
The memory of Bree made his throat burn and his head hurt. They were the real deal, and they thought nothing on earth could ever tear them apart, but it had, and Hunter continued to blame himself. The memory slowly drifted away, and once again he found himself drawn to the present moment and the man standing in front of him, giving him a warm smile.
“You’re a beautiful man, Hunter Cassidy, and you deserve to be happy. You deserve to fall in love again, and when you’re ready to finally let me in, I’ll be right here … waiting.” He leaned forward and ghosting his mouth against Hunter’s, Andy whispered, “Happy Valentine’s Day, Hunter.” And he pressed his lips against his.
GETTING OUT OF the shower, Hunter shook his head before grabbing the towel and wrapping it around his waist. His stomach ached as it twisted in knots, and he wasn’t entirely sure what had come over him. It had been a week since Andy had … kissed him, and the tension in the room between them was so intense, Hunter almost felt claustrophobic. Marion and Jack were due to fly in from Paris next weekend, and he knew Andy would be returning home. While the two of them were by no means fighting, Hunter wanted to fix things between them before he left. The only problem was, he didn’t have a fucking clue what exactly he needed to fix.
After Andy had revealed himself as the mysterious Cupid, and a man, no less, who’d been sending him Valentine’s cards, and confessed his love for him, it had definitely changed the dynamic of things. Why had Andy felt the sudden need to tell Hunter all this now? Why hadn’t he come to him when this all started? Why did he wait? His entire body was turning red, and it wasn’t from the hot water. As much as he tried to convince himself otherwise, Hunter couldn’t deny the definite feelings he had. They were strong. But was it love? He wasn’t entirely sure, and the question he kept asking himself was, “Isn’t it too soon to fall in love again?”
