by Sarah Ivens
This summer, my kids and I developed a love for lavender. We hunted for it, sniffed it, rubbed it between our fingers and declared “lavender power” as the greatest healer for all things. We breathed together deeply, stopping for a minute, sucking it down, the three of us united. I know—I hope—that for as long as they live, when they see or smell lavender, their brains will be awash with a feeling of love and exploration, and of me, their often brash battleaxe of a mother, not on her phone but playing with them!
MINDFULNESS MINUTE
Each member of the group should choose a flower, a feather or leaf, then sit together, forming a circle. For a minute, pass your finds around the circle, thinking of the first thing you notice—the smell, feel or sound it makes. Place your foraged pieces in the center of the ring and then take it in turns to tell everyone which item was your favorite and why.
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Being at One with Nature
Live in each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influence of the earth.
Henry David Thoreau
This chapter is all about taking time for self-care, building self-esteem and making the most of alone time—especially alone time in the great outdoors. The modern world doesn’t seem to be built for either of those two things. The frenetic pace of FOMO, competitive work practices and the urbanization of our lives is taking us away from our basic need for silence, peace, contemplation and nature, and it’s hurting us. But a commitment to reconnecting with yourself and the world around you will bring many positive changes, very quickly.
I think we’re alone now
Being a social butterfly and a party animal is good, but sometimes being alone with your thoughts and ideas—especially when coupled with the soul-enlivening, mind-expanding bloom of forests, lakes, mountains and oceans—is invaluable. Solitude is not the same as loneliness. Solitude is not a negative state. Looking for it does not mean you are depressed, antisocial or sad; it means you are self-aware enough to know you need a break from the constant claxons of commuting, children’s chatter, cyberspace and that internal voice telling us we’re wrong, bad or could do better. We are overstimulated and overwrought, overstretched and overanxious. Alone time, in a location that makes us feel calm and nurtured, can soothe, replenish and rejuvenate.
The power of one
There are many physical and psychological reasons to make following your own path a priority:
• Being constantly at the whim of others doesn’t give the brain time to unwind. Being by yourself without constant distractions gives your mind the chance to unravel everything and relax.
• Travelling alone, or starting a new hobby tout seul, can help you to meet more like-minded people in the long run. If you try these things in an already established group, you are less likely to be open to new people and new friends.
• Taking on a new challenge? Concentration improves without interruptions, and your productivity will go up too.
• When you spend time alone, you get to silence the voices around you and think and decide for yourself who, what and where you want to be. You make time for others; give yourself the same courtesy.
• We all have an introverted side, however much we try to hide it, and alone time will refill our cup of sociability so that we can mix and communicate better over the course of the following day or week.
• The never-ending whirl of chatter and movement prevents you from thinking deeply and creatively. Be still and let the new emotions and ideas flow. Solitude is the perfect state for specific problem solving.
• Hanging out with yourself is less stressful and can be just as fun as hanging with others. You want to explore a city park and you want to do it now, so go! Why wait for others to fit you into their agenda, and then let you down at the last minute? Be your own wingman. That way you get to do exactly what you want to do.
• Being alone in nature will allow you to reconnect deeply with the living world around you without feeling the social pressure to make small talk.
• Taking time on your own could actually stop you from feeling lonely. The more time you spend getting to know yourself and what you want, the easier it will be to truly understand who you want around you and why—and that those who don’t give you the warm and fuzzies don’t deserve any of your time.
Go, go, solo!
The benefits of being alone are numerous, but I’m not suggesting always shutting yourself indoors away from the world, stuck in a rut in central heating and in front of a television. The benefits come from isolating yourself from society to clear your head and de-stress, and the benefits are multiplied when these moments are taken in nature, out in the natural world rather than hiding away in your human-made one.
Sometimes it feels awkward being out and about alone, though, and I understand that. Learning to be alone is hard at first. I used to have to travel a lot on my own for work, and would find myself friendless and clueless in new cities all the time. At first, worried about looking like a loser or weird, instead of getting out and exploring, I’d order room service in my hotel room and only emerge from my bunker when I had a business meeting. Something clicked when I turned thirty. No one was looking at me, judging my solo status. They were too busy worrying about whatever was in their own head. That was liberating to realize—unless you rock the boat or draw attention to yourself, no one is focusing on you. Soon, I was not only exploring cities on my own, dining in street pavement cafés and observing the world as it drifted by, but I was actually choosing to go on vacation alone too.
I remember, aged thirty-two, being dumped by a live-in boyfriend and being so heartbroken that after a few days of sobbing, my face looked like it had been stung by 1,000 bees. “Go away,” advised a girlfriend, “go somewhere friendly, and walk and think and chill out.”
“Will you come with me?” I begged, feeling a bit vulnerable in my newly single state.
“No, you need a personal epiphany to appreciate he was wrong for you. You can only process that on your own. Me telling you won’t resonate deeply enough. You need to be alone to work out your new identity as a single woman.”
I went into the hills for the weekend and climbed over my hurdles. Alone.
We’re all losing the capacity to be alone, even taking our phones into the bathroom—I hate to admit that I’m guilty of this on occasion—so we can even feel connected while we’re on the toilet. Two minutes with our own thoughts seems like two minutes too long. But if we can rediscover the richness in self and solitary moments, we are far less likely to feel lonely, even when we’re alone, and in modern times, that is crucial. And we’re also more likely to get to like ourselves.
Melanie, 45
“Just sitting quietly on a boulder in the middle of the stream changes me. The water acts as an instant meditation. No techniques needed. The water literally washes my thoughts away. Often, as I leave and start to feel the to-do lists, worries and frenetic energy of the world again, I realize the magnificent gift nature just gave me: a quiet mind and a break from all the constant activity. For my health, I’ve created a life where nature is a part of my daily experience. Whether it’s the mountains, the ocean, a forest, a park or my back garden it’s where I go to heal, to exercise, to relax, to recharge, and for fun! For me, nature is my reset button if I’m feeling overwhelmed, confused or just needing to settle my mind. The answer is always the same. In nature, I can see and feel that everything is alive, and if I go with the intention of being receptive I can receive all the messages nature has for me. It’s a profound practice in listening.”
Do you have rushing woman’s syndrome?
This new term has been invented by nutritional biochemist Dr. Libby Weaver to describe the damaging state of being busy, busy, busy that many modern women find themselves in and are unable to escape from, even when they notice the detrimental effects it has on their health. Analyzing how this non-stop lifestyle is affecting our nervous systems, she believes that operati
ng in such a permanent state of stress is turning today’s women into anxious, moody and forgetful people who can’t say no. Worryingly, she has uncovered the impact this 24/7 circus is having on our hormones, making everyday life—and the already disruptive time around menopause—even harder.
Two of the solutions she mentions in her book, Rushing Woman’s Syndrome, are to savor solitude, which she describes as a powerful way to let your body recharge, and to take gentle forms of exercise, such as yoga or walking. As a peri-menopausal woman, increasingly a victim of cyclical mood swings and anger, who is self-medicating with silent nature walks, I couldn’t agree more.
Why take a solitary walk on the wild side?
When we engage with Mother Nature, connecting with her meaningfully, studies show that we are overwhelmed with awe and comforted in a multitude of healthy ways: we feel positive, we feel creatively stimulated and we feel calmed when surrounded by her wild beauty and earthy vibes. It would be a shame if we missed all these life-improving benefits because we were gossiping about a neighbor, or dealing with a tantrum, or staring at our Facebook page.
Sometimes we want to be social in nature, sometimes we benefit from going rural and rustic on our own, when the wonders of the world can wash over us without distraction or interruption. So be smart and safe, then reap the many benefits of going stag in the wild:
• Trusting your instincts is a must in nature. The choice of which path to take is important. There is no one to ask for advice, so you learn to rely on yourself. Venturing into nature might feel like a risk, so you learn to become braver and better at making the right decision—for you. Spending time alone in nature will increase your self-awareness about just what you, your mind and your body can do.
• Learning to listen to nature will make you a better listener in your everyday life. You’ll become attuned to subtleties and softness. You’ll start to recognize the sound of your subconscious and not block it out.
• You’ll appreciate your insignificance, and therefore the insignificance of present worries or past mistakes, when you’re walking peacefully beneath a canopy of towering trees, or alongside the untamed sea. The perennial vastness of nature will comfort you: some things are fleeting, like the seasons. Some things you have no power over, as the trees have no power over the changing seasons. Acknowledging this can free you from minute fears or hang-ups.
• You’ll learn to stop blaming others and to hold yourself accountable—for stepping on an anthill, or slipping off that rock—which will be valuable in all aspects of your life. Sometimes the buck does stop with you. Own it, don’t moan about it. Be the solution you seek.
• Being at one with nature will also make you feel powerful and strong—you are part of something majestic. You can climb that mountain, swim in the waves, swing from a tree and help to protect and shape the flora and fauna around you for the next generation by making the right decisions today.
• Heading into nature alone requires courage and determination, and a cheerleader. And because there is only you, you have to learn to become your own biggest fan. Talk to yourself, sing out loud, release a celebratory “Yeehaw!” when you do something you’re proud of. Self-encouragement is a pretty good skill to have in every aspect of your life, even when you’ve returned from the woods and you’re heading back into work and relationships. Actually, make that especially when you’ve returned from the woods and you’re heading back into work and relationships. Give me a Y! Give me an O! Give me a U! YOU!
How to make a solo nature walk spectacular
Five easy steps:
1 Look down at your feet for small creatures, not down at your phone screen for status updates. Be mindful of what you are stepping on.
2 Lose the shoes and gain perspective. If it’s safe, let your bare feet feel the grass or sand—even crunchy leaves and mud feel nice if you’re careful.
3 You’re not a bull in a china shop, you are a nature lover in the wild. Be as quiet as you can. This way, you’re more likely to be approached by friendly animals, or wilfully ignored and allowed to observe their daily shenanigans.
4 If you can’t quiet your mind as quickly or as easily as you’d like to, distract yourself by focusing on your breathing. Counting slow, deep, rhythmic breaths should keep your mind away from niggles until you relax into your solitude.
5 Enjoy it. There are so many worse things you could be doing right now than having quality you time, observing the changing seasons, in a place of beauty, knowingly replenishing your entire being.
You and yoga
The essence of yoga is that it is a personal journey and a non-competitive practice. It is about individual goals and private reflection. What ideas can be lifted from yoga and taken to all aspects of your solo time, whether you’re downward dogging or beach strolling?
• Wherever you are, slow down and breathe deeply.
• Stand rooted to the floor, ground yourself to planet Earth, feel the power of being part of this beautiful world.
• Move with intention, don’t waste your time and energy on places and people that you don’t want or need.
• The soft gaze used during yoga practice could be useful for everyday life, too. Be cognizant of the world around you, but stay focused on your own role in it and how you feel inside.
• You should only be in competition with your better self, or the you from the past or the future. Make your own place in the world; don’t constantly look around to see what others are doing.
• In yoga, the instructor constantly reminds us to notice how our body is feeling. Do this in all practices. If you feel sad, think of the cause and how it can be remedied. If you feel happy, work out why and hold on to it.
• During a yoga class, breaks are encouraged if it gets to be too much. If your body—or mind—is tired, wherever you are, it is okay to rest, to say no to things. Be as kind to yourself in real life as you would be in a class.
• Going through yoga movements puts you in the moment, in the present. Living in the moment is another way to reduce worrying about things that we have no control over.
• Namaste. I bow to you. Most yoga practices finish with this, an expression of self-acknowledgment, peace and gratitude. Namaste.
Future fabulous
There is no better time to untangle the torments and to ask yourself some serious questions than when you’re on your own, in natural beauty, your brain’s constant whirring slowing for a while. Evaluate and re-evaluate when you have the time. Harness nature’s invigorating strength, free will and constant renewal to improve your own life.
1 Do I like me?
2 Do I respect me?
3 Am I happy?
4 How could I be happier?
5 What do I need to change or do every day to make that happen?
Journaling your journey
There have been times in my life when writing has worked as therapy for me. The best example I can share was when I lost a much-longed-for first pregnancy at 14 weeks. Grief-stricken, I turned to words for solidarity, support and self-expression. When I couldn’t articulate my despair to my family, and I sat mute to the concerns of my husband, pen and paper became my only tools of survival. I would sit in our garden and write countless poems, then tear them up, or read them over and over again, pages of my diary falling apart, dampened by tears, covered in scrawl. The self-revelation was powerful; each sentence allowing me to process and clarify my feelings around my loss of identity and motherhood. It didn’t have to be good, I didn’t have to edit it, I didn’t have to share it.
I happened to be taking a literature class at this time on trauma narrative with Dr. Suzette A. Henke, a professor I felt comfortable sharing my personal situation with. She informed me that she had coined a term for this journaling process I and countless other people had gone through: scriptotherapy. Dr. Henke explained to me how we’d been using words to heal for centuries—in letters to siblings, in diary entries, in declarations to partners that no one would ever read.<
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Far from being a vain, self-centered approach to healing, as I had feared, scriptotherapy—or journaling—is undergoing something of a resurgence, and it’s popular within modern psychology thanks to its ability to offer healing without confrontation, to give closure without reproach. Writing can unleash the subconscious even more than Freud’s “talking cure.” Nothing is repressed because we feel we have control over the ink and paper.
Art therapy, like journaling, is another great way of working through your thoughts and emotions. Creativity allows you to intuit, feel and understand yourself and to remove roadblocks to self-improvement. To take a sketchpad or easel to a peaceful spot in the wilderness to draw or paint your pain using the landscape and your imagination, is remedial. Venting on paper—with a pen, pencil or paintbrush—is a safe haven, a private place, where you can truly be yourself and begin to heal with honesty. Where better to heal than in the wilderness, when our temperaments are already improved by the fresh air, phytoncides, vitamin D and beauty—when art and nature mix to mend the broken spirit.
