by Henry Roth
“Oh! What makes it?”
“Makes wot?”
“He’s all light inside.”
“Well ’at’s ’cause he’s so holy.”
“Oh,” David suddenly understood. “Like him, too!” He stared in facination at the picture. “De man my rabbi told me about—he had it!”
“Had w’a’?” Leo drew abreast of him to look up.
“Dot light over dere!”
“Couldnda had dat,” Leo asserted dogmatically. “Dat’s Christchin light—it’s way bigger. Bigger den Jew light.”
David had turned around to face Leo, but now he stopped, stared at the opposite wall. Directly above his chair all this time the same bearded figure had been hanging. Only this time David recognized him. He was made of flesh-tinted porcelain, and with what looked like a baby’s diaper around his loins, hung from a glazed black cross. “Dat’s him?”
“Sure! Yuh seen him befaw, dintcha?”
“Some place, yea. But I didn’ know he wuz righd over me.” With a feeling of dread he eyed the crucifix. “Oncet I seen him in a ’Talian funeral store. He’s a’ways wit’ nails, ain’t he?”
“Yea.” Leo took another slice of bread.
“But I didn’ know dat wuz a—You ain’ gonna git mad, will yuh if I ast you?”
“Naw!” And a second crab. “Ast me!”
“W’y is dat dish on his head busted over dere?” He pointed to the crucifix. “An it ain’ busted over—hea.” He pointed now to the picture.
“Ha! Ha!” he guffawed through a mouthful of food. “Aintcha de sap, dough! Dat ain’ a dish; dat’s a halo! Dintcha ever see a halo? It’s made ouda light! An dat ain’ a dish, neider,” pointing to the figure on the cross, “dat’s his crown o’ t’orns—sharper’n pins wot de Jews stuck on him.”
“Jews?” David repeated, horrified and incredulous.
“Sure. Jews is de Chris’-killers. Dey put ’im up dere.”
“No?”
“Sure, youse!”
“Gee! W’en?”
“Long ago. T’ousan’s o’ years.”
“Oh!” There was a little comfort in remoteness. “I didn’ know.” A hundred other questions clamored at his tongue, but fearful of further revelations, he stifled them. “Gee! He’s light inside and out, ain’ he?” was all he dared offer.
Without bothering to answer, Leo licked his fingers and reached for the candy. “Ummm! Ammonds! Oh boy, bet I could put about ten o’ dese in me mout’ at oncet. D’ yuh ged ’em ev’ytime yuh go dere?”
“I don’ go dere.”
“Yuh don’? Cheez, I’d go dere ev’y day if me a’nt owned a canny staw!”
“It’s too far.” He was answering because he knew Leo expected an answer, but within him, something strange was happening, something that swelled against his sides and bosom, that made his palms damp and clinging, his speech muffled and reluctant as in drowsiness.
“Wot of it?” Leo sucked the fragments from his teeth. “Grab a hitch on a wagon w’y dontcha?”
“Didn’t see none.” He wondered how Leo had failed to hear the pounding of his heart.
“Didn’t see none!” he snorted incredulously. “On Avenue D—dat’s w’ea yuh went—dintcha?”
“Yea.” The strangeness was grown almost as palpable as phlegm to his breathing. Terrific desire seemed to sicken him. He must ask! He must ask!
“Well, wudja go dis time fuh?”
“Skates. I taught maybe—” his voice trailed off.
“Didn’ she have ’em?”
“No.” He found himself resenting the thorny brightness of Leo’s voice—a brightness that kept pricking him always out of a passionate yet monstrous lethargy.
“Make ’er buy ’em faw ye den. Dat’s wud I’d do. She’d gid ’em cheaper ’n’ you—”
“Leo!”
“W’a?”
“C-can you gibme—” A slow finger rose and pointed “G-gib me—one o’— one o’—” He couldn’t finish.
“One o’ wa-a-a?” Leo clapped hand to chest in sharp surprise.
“Yea.” He felt giddy.
“Me scappiler? Cheesis, yuh mus’ be nuts! W’at de hell d’ye wan’ ’at for?”
“I jos’ wan’ id.”
“Are you tryin’ to git funny er sumpt’n.” Suspiciously.
“No!” He shook his head vehemently. “No!”
“Well, yer a Jew, aintcha?”
“Yea, bud I—”
“Well, youse can’t wear ’em—dontcha know dat? Dey’re fer Cat’licks.”
“Oh!”
“Ain’t got one anyhow—nutt’n ’cep’ a busted rosary, me ol’ lady foun’ in a ressarint.”
“Wot’s dot—rosary—” eagerly. “Can I have?”
“G’wan, will yuh! Are yuh bugs or sumpt’n?”
“I c’n giv yuh a lodda cakes an’ canny—even my penny—See?” He displayed it.
“Naw! It ain’t mine an’ it costs way more’n dat. Cheez! If I’d aknown you wuz such a pain inna can I wouldna let yuh come up hea.”
“I didn’ know.” He could feel his lips quivering.
“Aw yuh never know!” There was a harsh silence.
“Yuh wan’ me tuh go donn?” His voice was desolate.
“Aw yuh c’n stay hea.” Leo growled. “But stop bein’ a pain inna prat, willyuh?”
“Awrigh’,” humbly, “I won’ ask no more.”
“Is yer a’nt stingy too?” Leo irritably ignored the apology.
“No.” He thrust desire and disappointment from him and gave all his attention to Leo. “She gi’s me anyt’ing.”
“Well why don’tchuh do like I said—ast her to buy a pair of skates and den sell ’em to ye on trust, or sumpt’n.”
“Maybe I’ll ask her nex’ time.”
“Sure. Go dere every day till she gizem tuh yuh, dat’s de trick.”
“I don’ like id.”
“Wot, astin’ her?”
“No. Her kids. Dey ain’ her real kids.”
“Step-kids yuh mean.”
“Yea.”
“Wotsa matter wid ’em? Snotty or sumpt’n? W’yncha gib’m a poke innie eye?”
“Dere bigger’n me. An’ dey holler on yuh an’ ev’yt’ing.”
“Yuh ain’ scared of ’em are yuh? Don’ let ’em bulldoze yuh!”
“I ain’ so scared, but dere doity an’ wants yuh tuh go donn in de cella’ wit’ ’em an’ ev’yt’ing.”
“Cellar?” Leo grew interested. “W’yntcha say dey wuz goils.”
“Yea, I don’ like ’em.”
“D’ja go down?” Grinning avidly he bent forward.
“Yea.”
“Yuh did? Wadja do—no shittin’ now!”
“Do?” David was becoming troubled. “Nutt’n.”
“Nutt’n!” Leo gasped incredulously.
“No. She ast me to stay inna terlit an’ she peed.”
“Yuh didn’ do nutt’n an’ dey ast yer to come down de cella’ wid ’em?”
“On’y one of ’em ast me.” Confusedly he fought off Leo’s insistence.
“Oh!” he crowed, “Wot a sap!”
“’Cause, she said she’d gib me anyt’ing.”
“Wee, an’ yuh didn’ ast ’er?”
“I wanned skates—a old pair,” he beat a lame retreat. “I t’ought maybe she had.”
“Oh, boy, wot a goof! Yuh said yuh wuz ten yea’s old. Oh, boy! She letcha see it?”
“W’a?” He refused even to himself that he guessed.
“Aw! don’ make believe yuh didn’ know—” his legs spread. “De crack!”
“Dey wuz fight’n in bed,” he confessed reluctantly, and then stopped, wishing he had never begun.
“Well, wot about it?” Leo exacted the last scruple.
“Nutt’n. Dey wuz just kickin’ wit—wit deir legs, and so—so I seen it.”
“Chee!” Leo sighed, “No drawz?”
“No.”
“How big ’re dey?”
“Bigger’n me—about so moch.”
“Bigger’n me?”
“No.”
“Jist me size—oh boy! Wa’ wuz ye scared of, yuh sap! Dey ain’t yuh real cousins. Oh boy, if me an’ Patsy was dere—oh boy! Wish he wuzn’ in de camp. Oncet we took Lily Aglorini up me house on elevent’, an’ we makes believe we wus takin’ de exercise up de playgroun’ in St. Joseph’s—bendin’, yuh know? An’ we bends ’er over a chair an’ takes ’er drawz down—oh boy! Hey! Le’s go dere, you’n’ me—waddaye say? I like Jew-goils!”
“Yuh mean yuh wanna do—yuh wanna play—” David shrank back.
“Sure, c’mon, le’s bot’ go now!”
“Naa!” His cry was startled, “I don’ wanna!”
“Watsa madder—ain’t dey dere now?”
“N-no. But I—I have to go home righd away.” He had slid off his chair. “Id’s dinner time.”
“Well, after den—after yuh eat!”
“I have tuh go t’ cheder after.”
“Wot’s dat?”
“W’ea yuh loin Hebrew—from a rabbi.”
“Cantcha duck it?”
“He’ll comm to my house.”
“C’mon anyways, ’fore yuh go t’dat place.”
Again that warping globe of unreality sphered his senses. Again the world sagged, shifted, Leo with it—a stranger. Why did he trust anything, anyone? “I don’ wanna,” he finally muttered.
“Waa! I fought yuh wuz me pal!” Leo sneered in ugly disgust. “Is zat de kind of a guy y’are?”
David stared sullenly at the floor.
“I’ll tell yuh wot,” the voice was eager again. “Yuh wanna loin t’ skate, dontcha! Dontcha?”
“Y-Yea.”
“Well, I’ll loin yuh—right away too. I’ll lenja mine w’en we goes over dere—one skate apiece.”
“Naa! I’m goin’ down.”
“Aw, yuh sheen—C’mon I’ll give yuh some o’ me checkers—got a whole bunch o’ crownies. Look, you don’ have t’ do nutt’n if yuh don’ wanna. Us’ll go togedder, but you kin stay outside. I ain’ gonna do nutt’n—jes’ give ’em a feel.”
“I don’ wanna.” David was at the door.
“Yuh stingy kike! Yuh wan’ it all yerself, dontchuh? Well, don’t hang aroun’ me no maw, ’er I’ll bust ye one! Hey!” As David opened the door. “Wait a secon’!” He grabbed his arm. “C’mon back!” He dragged David in. “C’mon! I’ll tell yuh wot I’ll give yuh—”
“I don’ wan’ nutt’n!”
“Jis’ wait! Jis’ wait!” Still calling to David, he dragged a chair across the kitchen to a dish-closet above the pantry, climbed up on the pantry ledge, and reaching over his head, drew down a dusty wooden box, which he dropped on the table as he climbed down. In shape it resembled the chalk boxes in school and even had the same kind of sliding cover. But it couldn’t be a chalk box, for David had just enough time to glimpse the word God printed in bold, black letters—though curiously enough the letters were printed right above a large, black fish. But before he could bend closer to spell out the smaller letters under the fish, Leo, with a “Hea’s wotchuh wanted,” had whipped the cover off. Inside lay a jumble of trinkets, rings, lockets, cameos. Leo fumbled among them. “Yea, yuh see dis?” He pulled out a broken string of two-sized black beads near one end of which a tiny cross dangled with a gold figure raised upon it like the one on the wall. “Dat’s de busted rosary me ol’ lady foun’, dere’s on’y a coupla beads missin’. I’ll give it tuh yuh. Come on it’s real holy.”
David stared at it fascinated, “C’n I touch id?”
“Sure yuh c’n, go on.”
“Does id do like de one around’ yer neck?”
“Course it does! An’ it’s way, way holier.”
“An’ yuh’ll gib me id?”
“Sure I will—fer keeps! If you take me over witchuh t’morrer it’s all yourn. Waddaye say, is it a go?”
Head swimming, he stared at the definite, unwinking beads. “It’s a-a go.” He wavered.
“Atta baby!” Leo whirled the beads enthusiastically. “Look! you don’ have t’do nutt’n’—jis’ lay putso like I tol’ yuh. Dey ain’ yer real cousins—wadda you care—oh boy! W’eadja say yuh took ’er?”
“I didn’ take her—she took me.” Now that he had consented dread gripped him in earnest.
“S’all de same—w’ea?”
“In de cella’—huh cella’—unner de staw w’ea dere’s a terlit.”
“We’ll take ’er dere too huh?”
“Butchuh have t’go troo de staw.”
“W’a? Cantchuh sneak in troo de outside?”
“De staw?”
“No de cella’.”
“I don’ know.”
“Sure ye c’n! Door’s open I bet— Wot time we goin?”
“W’ad time yuh wan’?”
“In de mawnin—oily—ten o’clock. How’s zat? I’ll meetcha front o’ yer stoop wit’ me skates. Awright?”
“Awri’,” he consented dully. “I’m goin’ donn now.”
“Wot’s yer hurry?”
“I have tuh. I have tuh go home.”
“Well, so long den! An’ don’ fergit—ten o’clock.”
“No—ten o’clock.”
He went out, the door closing on Leo’s final chuckle. And he groped toward the dim stairs and descended. Hope and fear and confusion had drained him of thought. His mind was numb and suspended now, as though he were drowsy with cold. Without word, without image, he sensed again the past and the future converging on the morrow. And either he found a solvent for his fears or he was lost. He walked into the dreary rain as into an omen.…
XI
HIGH morning.
His nervous gaze wandered from frosted window to clock and returned to the window—
“Turn, turn, turn, little mill-wheel,” her voice barely more articulate than a hum, sounded curiously distant now. “Work is no play, the hours steal away little mill-wheel.” With only her legs hanging in the kitchen—the slack soles of worn house-slippers curving down from bare heels—his mother sat on the sill wiping the outside of the pane. Under the vigorous strokes of the rag the snowy shores of cleaning powder parted rapidly from a channel to a gulf. And in the widening clarity first her throat appeared, straight between lifted chin and old blue dress, and then her face, pale and multiplaned and last her brown hair catching the sun in a thin haze of gold. “Turn, turn, turn, little mill-wheel.…”
—Wish she came in! Get scared when she sits like that. Fourth floor too—way, way, down! If she—! Ooh! Don’t! And that window it was. Can see the roof from here. Yes, there where they—Son-of-a-bitch!—there where they looked.
Irritably, he shifted his gaze to the other window, which was open and looked out on the street. The sky above the housetops, rinsed and cloudless after rain, mocked him with its serenity. In the street, too far below the window to be seen, the flood of turmoil had risen with the morning and a babel of noises and voices poured over the sill as over a dike. The air was exceptionally cool. Between the drawn curtains of an open window across the street, a woman was combing a little girl’s hair with a square black comb. The latter winced every time the comb sank, her thin squeals skimming above the intricate crests of the surging din of the street.
—Louse-comb. Hurts. Sticks in your head … wonder if—wonder if—! Late now, but dassent look out. If he’s waitin’—But can’t be there any more. Must have went. Sure! Now is—? Nearly ha’ past eleven. Ten, he said. Must have went. Ha’ past eleven and ha’ past eleven and all is well … Where? Watchman then, in book. Three A, yea. Clock. Someplace had. Hickory dickory, dock. Clock. Never had. But—wheel—what? Once … Once I … Say again and remember. Hickory, dickory—crazy! Why do they say? Hickory, dickory, wickory, chickory. In the coffee. In a white box for eight cents with yellow sides. In a box. Box. Yesterday. God it said and holier than Jew-light with the coal. So who cares? But that fish, why was that fish? Couldn�
�t read all the little letters. Wish I could. Bet it tells. The beads made you lucky, he said. Don’t have to be scared of nothing. Gee if I had!—but don’t want it, that’s all. Ain’t going. And that funny dream I had when he gave me it. How? Forgetting it already. Roof we were with a ladder. And he climbs up on the sun—zip one two three. Round ball. Round ball shining—Where did I say, see? Round ball and he busted it off with a cobble and puts it in the pail. And I ate it then. Better than sponge cake. Better than I ever ate. Wonder what it’s made of—Nothing, dope! Dreams. Just was dreaming—
The squealing window stalled his fitful revery.
“There!” His mother sighed with relief as she ducked under the sash. “Now all it lacks is another good rain to ruin it.”
His gaze followed hers. Spotless now, the panes betrayed no more of their presence than a jeweled breath—except where tiny flaws spiraled inexplicable hues into warping rarities.
“They’re all clean,” he said with emphatic reassurance. “You don’t have to sit outside any more.”
“So they are,” she washed her hands under the tap. “I’ll hang my curtains up now.” And reaching for the towel. “You don’t intend to go down today, do you?” Her smile was perplexed.
“Yes, I do!” he protested warily. “But later, maybe.”
“Do you know,” she unfurled the curtain, “you’ve been acting of late almost the way you did in Brownsville when you clung to my side like pitch. And how you feared that short flight of stairs! That can’t be troubling you now?”
“No.” He suddenly felt cross with her for cornering him. “There’s nothing to do down stairs. I told you.”
“What’s happened to all your friends.” Her rapid hand wound the curtain string about a nail. “Have they all moved?”
“I don’t know—don’t like them anyway.”
“Ach!” Despairingly. “The skein the cat’s played with is easier to unravel than my son. Yesterday it rained from noon till nightfall—you flew up and down those stairs like a butter-churn. And after supper, between Albert’s bed-time and yours you sat there beside that window as fidgety as a bird—only more silent. I saw you!” She lifted a mildly admonishing finger. “Now what’s the trouble? What is it?”
“Nothing!” He pouted moodily. “Nothing’s the matter.” But his brain was already at work martialing the excuse.
“I know there is,” she insisted gravely. “This morning you woke when I did—seven—and yesterday too. But yesterday you would have spurned your breakfast if I had let you in your eagerness to go down. To-day—Now what is it?” A faint impatience colored her tone.
