Thinking of her back then has memories of our first night together flashing through my mind. Remembering how beautiful she looked beneath me, tasting her lips and every inch of her skin as I catalogued what I thought would be our last night together.
I would’ve thought coming back to Everton after all these years would’ve been harder. Having to face my dad and everything I left behind is difficult, but having Ryan at my side has only solidified who she was through some of my most difficult times.
Even before I acted on my feelings for her, her mere presence always had the ability to ease the pain I carried with me. Her fire and passion shined a light in the bleak darkness.
Drawing myself out of my thoughts, my eyes focus on Ryan’s face. Her eyebrows are furrowed as her eyes try to decipher what I am thinking.
Turning, I lean forward and pull her into a deep kiss. She reaches up onto her tiptoes, meeting me halfway, as her arms wrap around my neck, pulling me close.
“Let’s get in before the water turns cold,” I whisper against her lips.
She nods her head and moves to step into the bathtub.
Reclining against the side of the tub, I open my legs as she slides in between them, resting her back against my chest.
“It’s been so nice being with you this week. Thank you for coming today. I know I said you didn’t have to, but it meant a lot to have you there.”
She tilts her head back, resting it on my shoulder as her eyes gaze up at mine.
“You don’t have to thank me. I wanted to be there for you.”
Her fingers wrap around mine as she continues, “I know it wasn’t easy for you to come back to Everton. I know it may not seem like it, but I’ve always been here, for whatever you need.”
For as long as I can remember, I’ve dealt with everything on my own. The things I’ve witnessed during my time in the military is not the type of shit you want to burden other people with. It’s enough to make it difficult for anyone to rest easy when they lie down at night.
“Have you thought about what you’re going to do now the funeral is over?”
I sense a hint of hesitation in her voice as she turns to focus her attention ahead.
“I got a message from the realtor this morning on my way to the church that someone put in an offer on the house. I’d already told him the first offer we receive we’re going to accept. I want to wipe my hands of this place.”
I’m not sure if it’s the bitterness in my tone or what I said, but I feel Ryan’s body tense against mine as she moves to turn and face me. It’s distracting really, having Ryan’s naked body on display for me, but the look on her face clues me in that she’s not at all interested in the two of us being naked in here together.
“So, I guess this is it then? You’re not going to take Graham and Dean up on the offer to work at Compass?”
My eyes narrow. “I thought you knew I wasn’t planning on staying here long. I have to report back to base next week.”
She nods her head, biting her lip. Her eyes focus somewhere else, lost in her own thoughts.
“Can you tell me one thing? What was this to you then? You come back here and drudge up all these old feelings. What was the point, Maverick?”
“Are you kidding me? It’s not like that and you know it. I care about you more than anyone, so don’t demean what this is.”
Her jaw clenches, shaking her head as her eyes look away. “Are you planning on coming back or is this it?”
“Ryan, I have a duty to my country and to the men who are still over there serving. I would never ask you to walk away from your art; I know how much that means to you.”
“You wouldn’t have to ask, Maverick.”
She shoots up, the water cascading down her body as she grabs for the towel and wraps it around her naked body.
I want to stop her, to pull her back against me and hold her but I don’t.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“If it came down to it, choosing between this life and you, I’d choose you. That’s where we’re different. I’ve spent the past four years hoping and waiting for you. I told you I wasn’t going to give up. I thought this was it. I thought you were finally coming back but I was wrong.”
“It was only a matter of time though, right? You left me once, I should’ve known it was bound to happen again. I’m just glad this time I was worth more than waking up to you gone with only a letter left behind. For as long as I’ve known you, you’ve kept yourself locked up and closed off. I didn’t push you. I didn’t want to because I thought if you got to see how much I cared, eventually you would trust me enough to let me in fully but you never gave me a chance. I know what happened with your dad back then had to have been tough, but you didn’t have to give up. You didn’t have to walk away. As much as I want to spend however much time I have left with you, I can’t do this to myself again.”
“Ryan, wait...” I shout as she turns, opens the door and walks out.
“God dammit,” I mumble as I stand up and grab a towel. I quickly dry off, wrapping a towel around my waist, hoping to stop her before she leaves.
“Will you just hang on? Stop and talk to me.” I hold my hand out, wanting to pull her against me. My heart is beating wildly, like a caged animal in my chest.
I watch as she swiftly pulls her jeans up her legs, sliding them beneath the towel that still wraps around her chest. I hate that even now, she’s covering herself up from me. How did things go so terribly wrong in just a matter of a few minutes? I didn’t want it to be like this.
“What more is there left to say?”
“Ryan, I can’t give you what you want. That’s not who I am, as much as I want it to be.”
Ryan scoffs, shaking her head as she picks up her bra and turns away from me to finish dressing.
“Will you just look at me?”
“Maverick, I honestly can’t bear the thought of looking at you right now. I still replay the last night we had together through my head and I don’t want to memorize the look on your face as you tell me goodbye.”
I hate the sound of her voice right now. I sense the wall she had let down around me go up, blocking me out. The worst part is I know there is nothing I can do or say to her right now that’s going to help her feel better.
When she’s finished dressing, I watch her as she walks around the room and grabs the boots she was wearing. Sitting on the edge of the bed, she slides her feet in and zips them up her calves.
“Please just stay,” I mutter. The words sound distorted even to myself.
Glancing up at me, her eyes stare into mine. I know now what she meant when she said she didn’t want to remember the look on my face because seeing the heartbreak behind her eyes tears my heart in two.
“I’m not going to stay to appease your own guilt, Maverick. I know you feel this between us and it’s bullshit that you’re going to take the easy way out and leave. I just want you to remember when you go that it wasn’t me who left. I’m not walking away from you because it’s what I want. I’m walking away because I don’t have a choice. You are not and never will be mine; I realize that now. I hope you take care of yourself.”
Reaching down, she grabs the strap to her purse and slides it over her head. The sound of my phone ringing echoes through the quietness of the room, mixing with the loud beating of my heart drumming in my ears.
Crossing the room, I pick up my phone from where I tossed it on the nightstand and check the caller ID. The number is listed as unknown.
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
“Of course,” she says as I hold the phone to my ear and answer.
As soon as the call connects and I hear Sergeant Jackson’s voice filter through the phone, I know whatever it is will change everything. Whatever I thought it was going to be, nothing had prepared me for the news I was about to receive.
My eyes close as the dam breaks, unleashing tears unlike anything I've felt since losing my mom. I'm reminded that nothing in th
is life is guaranteed and anything can change in a moment’s notice.
His words sound distorted as he relays the details of the mission gone wrong. My heart aches for my friends who lost their lives and for the ones who are fighting to hang on in a hospital in Germany.
Fighting through the tears, I glance around the room hoping to find Ryan still here with me only to find that I'm all alone.
It hits me hard that I just let go of the only good thing I've had in my life. It's that realization that allows the darkness to emerge and threatens to swallow me whole.
Ten
RYAN
Swinging open the front door of Tattered, I hear Evenge Sevenfold blaring through the speakers. Chris glances up from his workstation before turning his attention back to what he’s working on.
Andi is seated in the office chair, reclined back with her feet up on the desk with a magazine in her hand. Distracted by the music, she doesn’t seem to pay attention to me or maybe she’s so out of it she doesn’t even hear the doorbell.
“Excuse me!” I shout over the music. That must be the wakeup call she needs as it forces her into action, setting her feet on the floor and pressing her hand against her chest.
“Holy hell!” she shouts back before holding the remote up to the stereo, bringing the volume down to a more manageable level.
“You going to get up and actually do some work around here?”
“I’m sorry, I was taking a break.”
The foot traffic in and out of the shop is very rarely slow. We are one of the leading tattoo shops in the area, which is saying a lot considering the size of Des Moines. Growing up in Everton, it was nice having a small town feel not too far away from the big city. It made it an easy decision when we were deciding where to open our shop, knowing having it here would be the best place to bring in new customers.
“Break is up. I can think of a hundred things that you could be doing that are not putting your feet up on my fucking desk. If you want a break, go get a coffee, then come back and get to it.”
I add that on the end to make it less angry because despite how annoyed I was coming in to see her like that, I’m actually in a good mood.
I spend the next twenty minutes going through my schedule for the upcoming week. Maverick will be leaving soon and the best way for me to keep my mind off him leaving is by keeping occupied.
I haven’t spoken to Maverick in a week since our fight. After I stormed out of the hotel room, I swore to myself I wasn’t going to put myself through the heartbreak of reaching out to him. He was the one who was in the wrong here, not me.
Truth be told, I had every expectation of never hearing from him again. That didn’t stop me from driving by the hotel every morning on my way to get coffee. It was pointless really; I could’ve walked to the coffee shop. I knew what I was doing though.
I wanted to see if he had left town yet. I’ve spent every minute since I left preparing myself for it to happen. It wouldn’t be the first time he walked away without giving me much of an explanation.
The weight I felt lift off my chest when I saw his dad’s pickup parked in the hotel parking lot felt like a ten-ton boulder being released from my chest. He hasn’t been driving it; I’m not sure if it’s because it was his dad’s and the resentment he holds toward him, or if being in the pickup brings back memories of us.
I know he was dead set on selling it before he left town and I didn’t think he’d leave without doing so just because we got into an argument. I even called the hotel to see if he had checked out and they confirmed he still had reservations. I could’ve easily found out his plans if I called Dean and asked, but I was forcing myself to move on from Maverick. Or at least that’s what I was telling myself I’ve been doing.
After picking up my coffee, I went back to my place and grabbed my notebook. I was going to sit at my desk and do some sketching. It was something I often did when I had a lot on my mind. Feeling more awake, I snagged my board from where it sat against the wall. Sticking my notebook and pencils into my backpack, I take off with no real destination in mind.
I needed some fresh air and I knew wherever I ended up would leave me inspired.
The feeling of the warm breeze against my face and the sunlight beating down heated my skin. I was dressed in a black tank top and a pair of skinny jeans, topped off with my signature snapback. My sun-kissed skin still looked bronze from my trip out to California and I promised myself to try and keep the warm glow through the rest of the summer.
The sound of the wheels beat against the cracks on the concrete, using my right foot to help pick up speed. I wasn’t planning on coming down here when I left, but the closer I got to the water, the slower I went.
I’ve continued to come down by the river, the place where Maverick and I spent my birthday together, over the years. Although, now that I think about it, it’s been a few months since I’ve been down here. It was just after the cooler weather started to warm up and I found myself anxious to claim my board again.
Using my foot to press down on the back of the worn wood, I skid to a stop in front of the dock. There is a park down by the Cedar River with picnic tables and trails, winding around the edge of the water. Setting my board on the grass underneath an old oak tree, I lean against the tree and slide my bag between my feet.
Reaching inside, I pull out my notebook and start flipping through the pages of drawings I’ve kept over the years. I never got rid of the notebook Maverick gave me. I only pulled it out when I found that the memories got to me too much.
Stopping on one of the pages, I let my finger trace over the word ‘rebel’ etched on the page. Flipping to the next, I look at the heart I had drawn as a sketch of the tattoo that now lives on my skin. The heart looked a lot like the one Maverick had asked about on our first night alone together. Only now, the heart in this picture looks every bit of the one I felt beating in my chest after he left.
Looking back now, I was so young and naïve to think that I could so blindly open myself up to him and share parts of me I hadn’t even told my best friend. He may have been Dean’s best friend, but Maverick was still a stranger to me on the outside. I had given my heart to a stranger and even after all these years, I feel like I still haven’t got it back.
I was so willing to give myself to him that I left myself unprotected. In doing so, he took my heart and left it torn and tattered, barely beating. I remember when I drew this tattoo, I promised myself I wouldn’t be so reckless with it again. I would guard myself and remember what it felt like to barely get by every day.
My fingers run along his initials, which I hid in the shading of the tattoo. When Chris transferred the sketch to ink, I asked him to make sure that he kept them there. Looking at a glance, you’d likely never even notice them, but I knew they were there and that was all that mattered to me.
I had let my mind drift off, remembering all those emotions I felt when I was drawing, that I never even heard the pickup pull up in the parking area not too far from where I was sitting. I certainly never heard Maverick get out of the truck and walk up to me, peering over me as the memories crash over me in waves.
“You okay?” The sound of his voice coming out is more of a grumble taking me off guard.
Flipping the notebook shut, I hold it against my chest and peek up at him. The sunlight behind him makes it difficult to see. He steps closer, using his body to shield the light from my eyes.
“Yeah. What are you doing here?”
“I was driving down to meet up with Graham and saw you on your skateboard,” he stops, looking out onto the water as if he’s lost in thought before his eyes drag back down to mine. “When I saw you stop here, I waited, not sure if I should approach you. But then you took out your notebook and I couldn’t help myself. Can I see?”
His hand reaches out, pointing to the notebook now pressed against my chest. My heart rate picks up and my palms turn sweaty as I glance down, not sure what to say or how to respond.
I think he
senses my hesitation, dropping his hand to his side. My eyes dart to his. His jaw is set, making his expression unreadable.
“I’m not sure you deserve the right anymore,” I croak.
My words hit him like a punch to the gut. Running his palm over his jaw, his eyes focus on the ground.
“I guess you’re right,” he says, looking up at me.
I almost regret my words when I see the hurt on his face.
“Listen, about the other night, I know I shouldn’t have said what I said. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking—”
Holding my hand up, I stop him. “Maverick, I don’t think we owe each other an explanation anymore. I mean, you said it, you had no intentions of moving back to Everton. Your focus is on your job, I get that, because right now that’s where mine is, too. Let’s just leave this at what it is, a really great week with two friends who were catching up.”
His nostrils flare at the mention of us being friends and I can’t help but feel the same. Calling what is between us friendship is bullshit. There isn’t a bone in my body that wants to be friends with Maverick, but I know that I love and care about him enough that if that’s the only capacity I can have him, I’m willing to accept him.
The growl that emanates from deep within his chest has my head jolting up toward him as he falls to his knees down in front of me.
“You didn’t let me finish and I’ll be damned if you think that’s what I want. I may not have had intentions of moving back to Everton, but it doesn’t mean I never planned to come back for you.”
Reaching his hands out, he runs them down my forearms toward mine. Letting the notebook fall back into my lap, I look up at him. He’s struggling with what he’s about to say but I don’t stop him.
“After you left, I got a call.” He stops, squeezing his eyes shut as he lets out a stuttered breath. He’s on the verge of tears and this is a side of Maverick I’ve never seen.
Tattered (Tattered Heart Duet Book 2) Page 6
