Grateful as I was for his efforts, I felt that if I never saw another spreadsheet in my life, it would be too soon.
‘Just tell me,’ I suggested.
‘Okay, so.’ Adam tapped his phone’s screen and I saw a series of graphs flicker to life. I knew that all the numbers were right there in his head, but he wanted the chance to admire his own handiwork. ‘We see a series of significant peaks and troughs. I’ve controlled here for the normal movement of the markets; all other things being equal, what this represents is Lorenzo Volta’s emotional state – or at any rate, the way his emotional state impacts on his decision-making – over the period from last summer through to today.’
I couldn’t resist. ‘Oh, go on then, show me what you’ve got.’
Adam slid his phone across the table, and I leaned in and had a good look.
It was weird as fuck. All the dates that were important to me were so imprinted in my memory that I didn’t even have to check them on my own phone, and I knew that they were accurately reflected in Adam’s figures. There, following a steady upward trajectory last summer, was an even higher peak correlating with the time when Renzo had first asked me out. The line stayed highish for a couple of weeks, wavering a bit before veering upwards right around when we’d had that first amazing weekend together in Paris. It stayed high after that – sky-high – right until just before Christmas, when it dropped way down and stayed there for a week.
‘Whatever position he held the day before the Christmas break was a disaster for him,’ Adam said. ‘And then he went away for a week, so he wasn’t trading and it remained static. But take a look at the figures for January.’
I did. I saw the graph veering up and down – never achieving the heights it had before, but not plumbing the depths either. I couldn’t be sure, because I’d erased all those desperate, mortifying messages from my phone, but I suspected there was a pattern revealing itself.
‘And here,’ Adam said. ‘Sudden peak.’
I nodded. That was the Monday after I’d seen Renzo at Annabel’s. The night he’d met Felicity. It could mean something or nothing.
‘Now we see a slight upward trend,’ Adam went on, far too engrossed in the figures he’d plotted to notice how I was feeling about them. ‘Fairly steady, from January through the first quarter. Not as high as we were looking at last autumn, but a reasonable performance, although there was a noticeable dip a couple of weeks back. But look at today.’
I didn’t need to say anything; the red line said it all. That very morning, Renzo’s position in the markets had dived big time.
‘Are you sure?’ I asked. ‘I mean, couldn’t it just be, like, random volatility, or something?’
‘Potentially.’ Adam took his glasses off and polished them on a paper napkin. ‘Only it’s not. Because he spoke to me.’
‘He did?’ My heart was hammering eagerly in my chest. ‘What did he say?’
‘He said, “So you guys have a new housemate?” Adam recounted. ‘And I said, “Sure we do, how did you know? He’s Tansy’s ex from way back.”’
‘You never did?’ I gasped.
‘Yeah, well, I thought it might help you. A bit of creative exaggeration, you know. I told him his name’s Josh, and he’s been living in Australia, and he was in a band that had a number one single.’
I yelped with laughter. I knew that Josh’s band had never even come close to emerging from obscurity, never mind making the charts. Who knew Adam had such a talent for invention?
‘And what did he say?’
‘He said, “Not so much ex, by the looks of things.” And then I got called into a meeting, so he didn’t say anything else, and he was narky as hell all day. And look at those numbers, going down and down.’
I felt a flash of pity for Renzo. I knew how passionate he was about his job, how proud he was of being Colton Capital’s top performer, how much the admiration of his colleagues and the validation of a massive annual bonus meant to him. It must be torture for him to find himself at the mercy of his emotions like this, his judgement clouded, his natural impulsiveness turning into reckless risk-taking. He must be really miserable, I thought, and his terrible results would only be making it worse.
‘He won’t get sacked, will he?’
‘Not if he gets his shit back together,’ Adam said. ‘He’s had a few strong weeks this year, after all.’
‘So you’ll carry on talking to him about what’s going on between me and Josh?’
‘Maybe. What is going on, anyway? What did the two of you get up to over the weekend that got Renzo so worked up?’
I pressed my hand against my face. I didn’t want to tell Adam that Josh and I had snogged – that the physical evidence of another man in my life had triggered the cataclysmic fall in Renzo’s performance at work – even though it was pretty much the reaction I’d hoped for. I knew that Adam – no matter that he wasn’t exactly Josh’s number one fan – would take a seriously dim view of me actually getting physical with him in order to make a point. And if I said that it had all been Josh’s idea – nothing to do with me at all, honest, guv – Adam would feel the same about him, and his attitude towards Josh would segue from mild resentment to outright dislike, making the atmosphere in the house seriously toxic.
I was saved from having to say anything by the urgent trill of my phone in my handbag. My heart leaped with hope – Renzo? But it was Josh’s name that flashed up on the screen. I turned it so Adam could see who was calling, then answered.
‘Hey, Josh.’
‘Tans. Are you still at work?’ He sounded out of breath, like he’d just got in from one of his runs.
‘No, I’m just up the road, in the Daily Grind. Adam and I popped in for a quick one.’
I felt a twinge of guilt, because we should have asked Josh to join us, but we hadn’t.
‘Thank God,’ Josh said. ‘How soon can you get home? It’s Freezer.’
‘Freezer? What, has he gone AWOL again?’
‘No. He’s here. But he’s sick, and the neighbours aren’t home.’
‘Fuck. Sick how? Never mind, we’ll be right there.’ I didn’t ask for more details – there was no point. It would take as long for him to explain as it would for us to leg it out and get back to the house. I cast a panicky glance towards the bar, but Luke wasn’t there.
‘We’re on our way right now,’ I said.
I didn’t need to hurry Adam along – he was already on his feet, his phone stowed away, rushing towards the door.
Together, we walked round the corner and into our road, faster and faster until our walk had practically become a sprint.
‘Fuck,’ Adam gasped as I panted along in his wake, feeling sweat beginning to snake down my spine from anxiety and the early summer heat. ‘If something happens to him…’
‘I know. What would we tell Luke and Hannah?’
‘Never mind about them. It’s Freezer I’m worried about. What if he’s in pain? What if he…’
He couldn’t voice the rest of that thought. He kept powering along, but I noticed him brush his cheek with the back of his hand and heard him sniff. Adam crying was almost as worrying as whatever was happening to Freezer.
Still, in spite of his distress, Adam hadn’t lost the ability to use his phone. The device looked like an extension of his arm as he tapped the screen, simultaneously striding along like an Olympic power-walker and fishing in his pocket for his keys.
‘Hannah gave me the number for the vet last time they were away,’ he said. ‘But they’re closed already. There’s an emergency number to call.’
I knew he would have memorised it effortlessly, and he was dialling as we reached the house.
But Josh was already outside, holding a cardboard box carefully in his arms, tapping away at his own phone.
Seeing the box gave me a jolt of horror. What if we were too late?
But Josh said, ‘They’re expecting us at the emergency vet. There’s only one nearby that’s open twenty-four hours.
I’ve ordered an Uber.’
The car arrived seconds later and we all piled in. Josh handed the box containing Freezer to Adam, who cradled it on his lap. From inside came a plaintive yowl.
‘I guess we don’t have a cat carrier,’ Josh said. ‘I didn’t have time to look for one, anyway, so I just grabbed the nearest thing – this box was in your room and I put one of your T-shirts in, too, so it smells familiar for him. I hope you don’t mind, mate.’
Adam shook his head. Josh could have ransacked his bedroom and made off with his new iPad Pro and he wouldn’t have cared at that moment. ‘What’s wrong with him?’
‘He hasn’t been hit by a car, has he?’ I asked.
‘I don’t think so,’ Josh said. ‘I’m pretty sure it’s not that. I came out of the shower and he was in your room – the door was open and he was lying there on the floor, twitching and howling. He was kind of drooling, too. I think it might be some kind of seizure. But I don’t know. I just thought I needed to get him to a vet straight away.’
The cardboard flaps of the box looked like they’d been torn open, their jagged edges leaving enough of a gap to give Freezer air. Adam peered down, lifted a corner and said, ‘He’s conscious, anyway. But he’s still twitching. And he’s clawing and biting at my shirt. He’s not right.’
Then he lowered the flap carefully back, as if he couldn’t bear to look any more.
‘Do cats get heatstroke?’ I suggested tentatively. ‘It’s been so warm, maybe if he wasn’t drinking enough water…’
Josh and Adam both shook their heads. They didn’t know, and neither did I.
The rest of the journey took less than fifteen minutes, but it felt like an eternity. The cab crawled through unfamiliar streets, choked with traffic, before eventually turning into a side road and stopping.
‘Animal hospital,’ the driver said. ‘I hope your cat will be all right.’
Thanking him, we trooped into the vet’s waiting room. I hung back and Josh and Adam walked to the reception desk together and gave their names and Freezer’s. Josh filled in a form, while Adam held the cardboard box. I could see his shoulders trembling, either with suppressed sobs or with tension.
‘The vet will see you now,’ the receptionist said.
I watched as the two boys pushed open the door to the consulting room and carried Freezer in, hesitating.
‘Coming, Tans?’ Adam said.
Suddenly, I felt not just superfluous, but almost like an intruder. It wasn’t that Freezer wasn’t my cat – he wasn’t Adam’s either. It was partly the knowledge that, for whatever reason he had formulated in his feline brain, Freezer didn’t like me and, given the choice, probably wouldn’t have wanted me there. And partly, it was knowing that if something was terribly wrong and an awful decision needed to be made, it should be made by Adam and Josh, who loved him.
‘I’ll wait here.’ I perched on a plastic chair and watched as the door closed, straining to hear the murmurs of conversation from inside. But I couldn’t make out a word. For ten minutes, I just sat there, not even looking at my phone, just watching the featureless expanse of pale yellow-painted wood, wondering what was going on behind it and fearing the worst.
Then I heard a shout of laughter.
The door burst open and Adam and Josh came out, both grinning and shaking their heads. Josh was carrying the box now.
‘He’s fine,’ they both said together.
‘But what…?’ They were too busy paying the bill and thanking the receptionist to explain, so I had to wait until we were all in another taxi, heading home.
‘What happened?’ I demanded.
‘The vet tipped him out of the box, really carefully, in case he was injured,’ Josh said.
‘And he sat right down on the examination table and started licking himself,’ Adam went on.
‘She asked about his symptoms, and whether he had any history of feline epilepsy, and she listened to his heart and looked in his mouth.’
‘And palpated his stomach, in case he’d eaten something toxic.’
‘But she couldn’t find anything wrong. And Freezer was just sat there, having a good old wash.’
‘And then,’ Adam said, and even in the dark car I could see a blush creeping up his neck, ‘she looked at the label on the box.’
‘And she said, “He’s off his face on catnip.”’
‘Mortifying, or what?’ Adam said. ‘I’d actually forgotten I’d even ordered the stuff for him. Extra-strength Canadian catnip buds. The parcel must have got held up in customs, in case it was weed or something.’
‘And Odeta must’ve left it in your room.’
‘And Freezer found it, and broke into the box.’
‘And was like, “This is the good shit, right here.”’
‘Oh my God.’ The release of tension, as well as the absurdity of the picture their words painted, made me start to giggle, and that set the two boys off too. By the time we got home we were all weak with laughter and I felt positively exhausted from all the drama.
The lights were on in Luke and Hannah’s house so, as soon as he was released from the box, Freezer hopped out through the window and scaled the fence, already shouting for his supper.
‘I guess I’d better pop round and tell Hannah what happened,’ Adam said, ducking his head and blushing again at the prospect. ‘Their lights are still on, and I heard her talking to Freezer.’
‘Shall I put the kettle on?’ I asked.
‘I don’t know about you two,’ Josh said, ‘but I could do with a drink. I bought a bottle of seriously good whiskey when I was in Ireland. Fancy a drop?’
‘Oh, go on then,’ Adam said. ‘I’ll go next door first, though, and confess to Hannah that I gave her cat an overdose.’
‘I’m sure she’ll be fine with it,’ I said. I was sure, but at the same time I was glad explaining to Hannah was Adam’s job, not mine.
‘It’s not your fault, mate,’ Josh said. ‘He was basically high on his own supply.’
Adam headed out into the night, and I heard his polite tap on next door’s knocker.
‘He’ll be ages,’ I said. ‘Hannah never lets anyone leave until they’ve had a drink and something to eat. And the two of them can chatter on about Freezer for hours.’
‘In that case…’ Josh carefully unpeeled the seal and eased the cork out of a squat, dark green bottle and sloshed some golden liquid into two wine glasses. ‘We really ought to be drinking this stuff out of cut crystal tumblers, but we’ll work with what we’ve got. Ice?’
‘I don’t know. Are you meant to have ice with it?’
‘Purists say not, just a bit of water. Ideally filtered. But I like ice in mine, and I won’t tell anyone if you do, too. Hell, have ginger ale in it if you want.’
I laughed. ‘We haven’t got any.’
‘True. On the rocks it is, then.’
I sipped my drink and almost choked. ‘Bloody hell. What is this stuff? It tastes kind of burnt.’
‘That’s the smokiness from the peat. It’s meant to taste like that. Would you rather have a glass of wine?’
‘No.’ I sipped again, and this time I could begin to see the point of the drink. It was heady and warming and tasted somehow incredibly grown-up. ‘I think I could get to like this.’
‘It’s good to try new things,’ Josh said easily. ‘You never know what you’ll discover you like.’
He looked at me, smiling slightly, and I knew he wasn’t talking about the whiskey. He was talking about our kiss – as strange and unexpected as the taste of this drink, and as surprisingly moreish.
‘That’s a very profound observation,’ I said carefully, taking another, larger gulp of whiskey and trying not to choke as it seemed to set fire to my throat.
‘Is it? I was just talking about single malt.’
‘Of course you were.’
We looked at each other. He was still smiling, and I felt myself smile, too. Our eyes met, and held together for what felt like the longest
time, until I broke away from his gaze and looked back at my glass. Why the hell am I feeling like this? I hate him. He humiliated me, one part of me protested vehemently. Hate away, the other part argued back. But he’s the key to getting Renzo back. Do you want that, or don’t you? And besides, added the inner voice – which by now I was thinking really needed to STFU – you liked kissing him. A lot. Didn’t you?
‘But we could talk about something else, if you like,’ Josh said. ‘We could talk about what happened in the club the other night.’
Or what happened at the Plaza cinema eleven years ago.
‘We could.’
‘Tansy, I know you only recently split up with your bloke. I don’t know if you’re ready to start something new. I don’t know if I am, either. But what happened that night – it felt great, to me.’
The smile that had felt so natural just a minute before felt kind of forced now. If I was going to do this – use my feminine wiles to play him – I had to do it now. And I found I didn’t have a clue how.
I wasn’t sure I even had any feminine wiles. Whatever they were.
‘It felt great to me, too.’ I tried to do a sort of fluttery thing with my eyelashes, which I kind of needed to do anyway, since my eyes were watering a bit from the whiskey. I was sure my mascara must be smudging down my cheeks. ‘But Renzo – it’s all really recent, like you said.’
‘He certainly didn’t look best pleased when he saw you with me,’ Josh said, and my heart jumped with renewed hope, just like it had when Adam had shown me his graph in the Daily Grind earlier.
‘It’s over between us,’ I said. ‘There’s no going back, even if I wanted to. He’s dating Felicity now.’
‘But do you want to?’ Josh pressed.
I couldn’t lie to him, I realised. However much I wanted him to play along with my plan, that would be going too far. I couldn’t lie, but I could let him draw his own conclusions.
I reached my hand across the table to him and said, ‘I don’t know. It’s really hard. I just don’t know.’
It's Not You It's Him: An absolutely hilarious and feel-good romantic comedy Page 22
