by Lisa Swift
‘Ignore her, Con,’ Theo said. ‘She’s going to have a great time.’
‘Now, have you got everything you need before we go?’ Lexie said. ‘There’s chilli in the fridge, and I’ve left a list of emergency numbers next to the phone. If anyone you don’t know knocks at the door then don’t answer it, and if your dad rings and starts badgering you about that suspension—’
‘—tell him to eff off, I know.’
She smiled. ‘Well, maybe tell him to call back later so I can tell him to eff off. Now, we’ve both got our phones in case you need us so—’
He laughed. ‘Lexie, I’m fourteen, not three. Just go and have fun or be miserable or whatever you’re doing at this party.’
‘Right.’ She went to plant a kiss on his curls and he grimaced, shaking her away. ‘I’ll be back before midnight. Make sure the house is still standing, eh?’
Chapter Eighteen
Theo’s mum lived in the small upstairs flat of a terraced house high on the hills that circled the pretty town of Hebden Bridge. She beamed when she answered the door, and Theo bent to give her a bear-like hug.
‘Hiya, Mum.’ He gestured to Lexie, standing awkwardly at his side. ‘This is Lexie, the friend I told you about. Lexie, this is my mum, Candy Stratford.’
‘Pleased to meet you, Mrs Stratford.’ Lexie held out a hand, but Candy put her arms around her for a warm hug instead.
‘Hello, love,’ she said. ‘Here, come in and we’ll have some tea and a little cake each, shall we? We always have vanilla slices on Wednesdays.’
‘It’s Saturday, Mum,’ Theo said as she ushered them inside.
‘Oh. Yes. I suppose it must be,’ Candy said absently. ‘Well, then we’ll have fondant fancies, which is just as nice. Come and sit down, you two. Don’t mind the dogs, they’re big softies.’
As soon as they’d entered the house a terrible din had arisen, the air shaking with barks. Several mongrels of unidentified heritage came bounding towards them, and Candy rebuffed them expertly. In the living room, she brushed a couple more hounds from an ancient-looking sofa and gestured for her guests to take a seat.
‘Um, thank you,’ Lexie said, sitting down somewhat gingerly beside Theo as she tried not to get dog hair on her dress.
Candy’s place was small and very bare, with a distinctly doggy smell hanging around and furnishings that looked like they must’ve seen better days shortly after the war. The only ornaments were a carriage clock and a souvenir seashell from Blackpool on the mantelpiece, and a framed print of Durdle Door hanging on one wall.
It wasn’t at all what Lexie had been expecting. For some reason – perhaps because she knew his dad had been a university professor – she’d always imagined Theo as having had quite a comfortable childhood, but Candy seemed to live almost in poverty.
‘Where’s Graham?’ Theo asked his mum.
‘He just popped out for a paper. Now then, what was I doing? Oh yes.’ She bustled over to the kettle in her open-plan kitchen and flicked it on, then took a packet of fondant fancies from one of the cupboards. Lexie noticed that her hands shook constantly as she made the tea. ‘I do love to have visitors. It’s the perfect excuse to indulge, isn’t it?’
‘How are you, Mum?’ Theo asked, and Lexie noticed a gentleness in his voice quite unlike his usual half-teasing tone. ‘Do you need anything? Money, help in the house, anything like that?’
‘Oh, no, not really. Although…’ She took a pile of unopened letters from a drawer. ‘There were these. Do I need to do anything with them, do you think?’
Theo frowned as he took them from her. ‘These are bills, Mum. Did you show them to Graham?’
‘No, I don’t like to keep bothering him. He has so much to worry about since he got laid off.’
Theo stood up to put an arm around her shoulders.
‘Mum, you really need to show these to him or me as soon as they come,’ he said gently. ‘You remember when they turned off the electricity? Here, I’ll take them back with me and make sure they get paid.’
‘Well, just take what money you need out of the biscuit barrel as usual,’ she said, staring with unfocused eyes into the distance. She roused herself to smile at him. ‘Thank you, sweetheart.’
He gave her a squeeze and shooed a few dogs out of his way so he could sit down by Lexie again.
Lexie watched Candy as she brought over the tea tray. Although she had the shuffling gait you might associate with someone very elderly, Theo’s mother was relatively young still: a petite woman in her mid-fifties, very pretty. She had her son’s fine green eyes, only hers held a sort of vacant innocence that suggested she wasn’t quite on the same plane as everyone else in the room. She smiled warmly at Lexie as she handed over a mug of tea.
‘There you go, Alison. One sugar, the way you like it.’
‘Who’s Alison?’ Lexie whispered to Theo.
‘Her niece. Don’t say anything.’
‘Oh! Theo,’ Candy exclaimed suddenly, clapping her hands. ‘Guess what? We’ve had the television people in town again.’
‘Which television people were they this time?’ he asked.
‘The ones who do that programme… oh, you know. It’s like Pride and Prejudice, only with lesbians. Her off Corrie was in it. They were here filming.’ She nodded at Lexie, as if she’d attempted to deny it. ‘Yes, they were, I promise you. We get all the television people here. We’ve had the ones for that policewoman programme, you know, with her from Corrie – not that one, the other one, Raquel as was – and all sorts.’ She let out a little giggle. ‘We’re like the Hollywood of the North, Graham says. He says a lot of clever things like that.’
Theo smiled. ‘That’s great, Mum. Maybe you’ll be talent-spotted, eh? You could be the next Kim Basinger.’
She blushed and giggled again. ‘Oh, Theo. You’re a daft sausage.’ She frowned. ‘Now, what was my other bit of news for you? I can’t quite… oh yes, I know. Your father. He passed away on Monday.’
Theo’s head jerked up, tea sloshing over his smart suit.
‘What?’ he whispered.
‘Well, he was seventy-nine, you know. I don’t imagine you’d call that a good innings these days, but it’s not too bad, is it? Not considering those cigarillo things he used to smoke. Anyway, I suppose I’d better send some flowers from us. I know he doesn’t really deserve them, but you shouldn’t wish ill to the dead.’
Lexie could feel Theo trembling against her, his face ashen. She took his hand and held it tightly. Candy, oblivious to the way her son’s face worked with strong emotion, had already drifted back to talking about the film crew who’d been in the area, excitedly listing the celebrities she’d seen out and about, the costumes and set dressings that had transformed the town.
Theo had just about managed to compose himself by the time his stepfather returned.
‘Theo!’ The man beamed as he strode in and grasped his stepson by the hand. ‘Well well, this is a nice surprise.’ He raised his eyebrows when he spotted Lexie. ‘Oh. You brought a girlfriend to meet your mam, did you? That’s a new one, lad.’
‘No.’ Theo forced a smile. ‘It’s only Lexie – you remember, my partner at the Blue Parrot. Actually, we just dropped in for a cuppa on the way to a function so we can’t stop.’
‘Ah, well, that’s a shame. I’ll see you both out then.’
Theo stood up and gave his mum a big hug.
‘Look after yourself, sweetheart,’ he whispered. ‘Ring me if you need anything, OK? I’ll come for a longer visit next week and we’ll go out for dinner.’
‘Yes, yes. Don’t fuss at me so, Theo, it gets me all in a fluster. Now you and Alison go have a nice time at the wedding.’
‘Thank you. We will.’
Graham walked Theo and Lexie to the door.
‘How’s she doing?’ Theo asked him in a low voice.
‘She phases in and out,’ he said soberly. ‘She seems happy enough though, even on days like today when she’s not so lucid. As
long as she’s happy, I’m happy.’
‘She’s been hiding bills again.’
Graham groaned. ‘Has she?’
‘Don’t worry, I’ve got them here,’ Theo said, patting his pocket. ‘I’ll sort them out. You need any more money sending?’
‘No, no, we’re fine. I feel bad enough about what you send already.’
‘Graham, come on. The truth.’
Graham sighed. ‘Well, we have been struggling since I got laid off. Who wants to employ a fifty-eight-year-old brickie with a bad back, right? I’m not at pension age but it feels like I’m on the scrapheap, all the same.’
‘I’ll increase the direct debit, soon as I get home.’
‘You’ve no cause to do that, Theo.’
‘Yes I have. I don’t want you two struggling. Mum’s my responsibility.’ He wrung Graham’s hand. ‘Look after her for me, eh?’
The older man smiled sadly. ‘You can count on me for that, at least. Long as I’m still here.’
As soon as they were back in the car, the tears Theo had been struggling to hold back started to fall. Lexie pulled him to her for a hug. He sobbed against her, his whole body shaking.
‘What are you feeling?’ she whispered. ‘Tell me.’
He laughed through his tears. ‘It’s ridiculous, isn’t it? Someone who’s a complete stranger to me dies: a person I can’t even remember, that I’ve got every reason to despise. Someone I promised myself a long time ago I’d never shed a tear for. And yet…’ He choked on a sob. ‘…here we are.’
‘He was your father, Theo. No matter what he did, it’s natural you’d feel something. Grief, anger, sadness, guilt – it’s all right, all of it.’
‘It’s not all right!’ he exploded, slamming his fist into the side of the driver’s seat. ‘He doesn’t deserve it. That bastard doesn’t deserve to have me feel a single fucking thing for him. And I hate myself because…’ He laughed wetly. ‘Because I still do,’ he whispered.
‘It’s not about what he deserves,’ Lexie said quietly. ‘This is about you. What you need to feel to be able to deal with this.’
‘I don’t think I’m even crying for him, really. Not the reality of him. More for what might’ve been – or what ought to have been. The father–son relationship I couldn’t quite talk myself out of wanting.’
Lexie held him until his sobs subsided.
‘Has your mum always been that way?’ she asked.
Theo took out a tissue to wipe his eyes. ‘She has her ups and downs. That’s my dad’s fault as well. She couldn’t quite cope with life after he broke her heart; her mental health’s been fragile ever since. He went back to his wife and left her holding the baby – put it all behind him, as if me and her had never happened. But Mum couldn’t brush it aside that easily, not when she had me as a reminder. She’d built this castle in the air for them… she just craved love. She still does – every time I visit she’s fostering another rescue dog. Jack Chamberlain was old enough to be her father and he took advantage of the way she was.’
‘That’s your dad? I never heard his name before.’
‘I try not to say it. It tends to stick in my throat.’ He sighed. ‘My mum’s like a kid, Lex. I love her to pieces, but she gives me so many sleepless nights. She’s just… in her own world, more and more. It gets harder to break through every time I see her.’
‘Oh, sweetheart,’ Lexie whispered, stroking his cheek. ‘I had no idea.’
He wrapped his arms around her and rested his head against hers.
‘I’m so glad you were here today. I don’t think I could’ve done this on my own.’
‘Why did you want me here? You seemed keen to show me this part of your life.’
‘I suppose… I wanted you to understand what it was like when I was growing up, trying to look after Mum and hide the way she was from other people because I was terrified someone would come to take me away from her. Why I am the way I am.’
‘Why did you want me to understand that?’
‘Because I’m ashamed of the sort of man I turned out to be, I guess. For some reason it felt important to have you know where I come from.’
‘Well I’m not ashamed of the man you turned out to be. I’m proud of him.’
‘Why? I’m really a pretty poor excuse for a human being. I can introduce you to any number of women who’ll back me up on that.’
‘Not this woman,’ she said firmly. ‘I think you’re kind, and caring, and principled; even sort of noble at times. You’re a wonderful godfather to Connor, you look after your mum, and you’re the best friend I’ve ever had. What you are, you are despite where you came from, not because of it. And I absolutely refuse to hear a word said against you.’
He smiled and kissed her forehead. ‘Lexie Whittle, you’re the best person I know. Promise me you won’t ever be out of my life.’
‘Cross my heart.’ She gave him a squeeze. ‘Come on, let’s go home. You’re obviously not in the mood for a party, and I never was. We’ll snuggle up on the sofa with the boy and watch a film instead.’
‘No.’ He leaned back to look into her face. ‘I really think you need to do this, Lex. It obviously still haunts you, how these bullies made you feel. You ought to try and exorcise that.’
She grimaced. ‘I’m really not a fan of this sort of therapy, Teddy.’
‘It’ll be better than you think, I promise.’
‘Honestly, we don’t have to go, not when you’re upset. I can do my exorcism another time.’
‘I’m fine. I want to do this with you, Lexie. You helped me with a few of my demons today, now it’s my turn.’ He gave her a kiss and started the engine. ‘Let’s go.’
Chapter Nineteen
Lexie wasn’t surprised to discover, when they entered the plush hotel function room, that the so-called school reunion consisted almost entirely of Allegra’s set: the glossy girls and sporty boys of Kingsway Secondary, the best of whom wouldn’t have given her the time of day back in school, and the worst would have actively sought her out to inflict some form of daily torment. Some of them she still kept up with on Facebook, and they cast vague smiles in her direction as she entered with Theo. Others, no longer even online acquaintances, looked right through her – so no change there since school. Some of the men smiled at her, however, casting unashamedly appraising glances over her legs.
‘Remember, you belong here just as much as they do,’ Theo whispered. ‘I’m right here with you, Lex. Here, hold my hand.’
‘What?’
‘Come on, I’m your date for the evening. Just act like I’m your boyfriend.’
‘Right. OK.’ She took his hand and he squeezed her fingers tightly.
She scanned the room for Allegra, soon spotting her talking to a little group of hangers-on by a grand piano.
‘I suppose we’d better go say hello, since she invited us,’ she said to Theo, pulling a face.
‘Nope. We’re the cool kids, we don’t say hello. Let her come to us.’
‘All right, what do us cool kids do then?’
‘We sit at the bar and look bored and aloof. Come on, I’ll buy you a drink.’
They headed to the bar and Theo hoisted himself up on a stool, nodding to the one beside him for Lexie. When the barman approached, he ordered Lexie a wine and got a soft drink for himself.
Lexie cast a glance around the room and shuddered.
‘Try not to look as though you’re noticing them,’ Theo muttered, himself managing to look entirely uninterested in his surroundings. ‘Aloof, remember?’
‘Aloof. Right.’ Lexie fixed on what she hoped was an expression of casual unconcern as she sipped her wine.
‘See anyone you know then?’
She scoffed. ‘God, yes. Becky Lambert’s over there with Allegra. She once swiped my schoolbag and threw it in the bin so I’d have to crawl in to get it, then called me Bin Girl for about six months after, claiming she could still smell me. And Cara Littlewood. She deliberately hit me in th
e stomach with a hockey stick during a game and pretended it was an accident.’
‘Did she? What a bitch.’
‘I know. We were on the same bloody team as well.’
‘Did you ever tell anyone?’
‘No,’ Lexie said, bowing her head. ‘I used to be terrified that if I said anything to a teacher…’
‘…the bullying might get worse?’
‘Yes, partly, but mainly that they’d tell my parents about it. They had their own stuff to worry about. Dad was out of work, and… well, things were tough. I didn’t want to be another burden when they had so much stress already.’ Her gaze wandered again to the little group surrounding Allegra. ‘Ugh, Jemmy Liu’s here as well. She once saw a tampon fall out of my pocket and made sure everyone in the year knew I was on my period. Cow.’
‘Seriously, you got bullied by other girls for that?’
‘Yep. For anything, really. Kids are dicks.’
‘Aww, Lex.’ He put his arm around her. ‘I’m sorry, love. You had a rough time, didn’t you?’
She shook her head angrily. ‘You know what really pisses me off? The way they never, ever acknowledge it. They actually don’t seem to remember. I can recall every excruciating, humiliating detail, how I sobbed myself to sleep at night and dreaded going to school in the morning, and there’s Allegra Schofield smiling at me like an old friend to the point where I actually start questioning whether it really happened the way I thought it did. You know, every time it’s National Bullying Awareness Week or whatever, she’s posting anti-bullying memes on Facebook and shouting louder and longer than everyone else about what a crying shame it is that people can’t just live and let live, and in a world where you can be anything, be kind – all that sort of twee inspirational bullshit. I really think she might have forgotten she ever made my life a living hell.’
‘You think she genuinely has forgotten?’
‘Who knows?’ Lexie sighed. ‘I mean, I know people change. They grow up, and when they have kids of their own it gets them looking at the world in a different way. I suppose if she found out darling Jake or Araminta had been making life miserable for some poor kid at school, she’d be horrified. But she still tries to belittle me whenever I see her, almost out of habit. Double-edged comments undermining my career, my marriage, my appearance. And always calling me bloody Jan, even now. I hate that fucking nickname.’
