by Lisa Swift
‘Lex,’ he said when he opened it, flashing her a relieved smile. He pulled her into a hug. ‘God, I’m glad you’re here.’
She let herself relax in his arms. After all the drama of last night, it felt good to be held.
‘I really should be mad at you after that stunt you pulled yesterday, but Jesus, do I ever need a hug,’ she whispered.
‘I’m sorry. Just, seeing him there… it brought it all back, you know? Here, come inside.’
She followed him in and they sat down on the sofa.
‘I remember when you used to drag me up here for something much more fun than angsty chats.’ She reached out to draw a finger under one puffy eye. ‘Bad night, love? You look like you’ve been upset.’
‘Yeah, I couldn’t sleep after what happened. I felt bad for letting Con see, and bad for not being able to control myself, and… well, just generally bad. I didn’t see your message until after.’
‘I could’ve done without all the toxic masculinity crap, but I get why you’d react like that. I never thought about how tough it must’ve been for you to carry on supporting your mum when he did what he did.’
‘Well. It’s in the past now.’
‘You nearly dropped me right in it. You were about to tell him about us, weren’t you?’
He grimaced. ‘Yeah, sorry. Came over all protective. I think it was the testosterone surge.’
‘Seriously, Theo, we need to keep this under wraps. Daryl’s all friendly right now, wanting to make amends and give me a fair deal in the divorce, but you know what a temper he’s got. If he finds out we’re a couple, it could all come crashing down.’
‘Why’s he back early anyway? Did he say he’d been transferred?’
‘Yeah, he asked to be moved to his company’s new UK division so he could start being a better father to Connor, apparently. He’s had a Domestos moment.’
‘You believe him, do you? I’d trust a sobbing crocodile before that guy.’
She hesitated. ‘I actually think I do. At least, it seems like he’s finally confronting a lot of things he’s been pushing deep down for years. I’d say that in spite of everything, I’m willing to give him one more chance.’
Theo visibly tensed. ‘What?’
‘Oh Jesus, not that sort of chance. I mean one more chance to make things up to Connor.’
‘Thank God for that,’ he said, letting himself breathe again.
She frowned. ‘You didn’t really think that was what I meant, did you? Me and him?’
‘Well, no. I guess not. But he is legally your husband, Lex. I can’t help but remember that you picked him over me once before.’
‘Things were very different back then. What we’ve got now… well, that’s something else entirely. Come here.’ She wrapped her arms around him and planted a kiss on his lips. ‘You’re not so insecure about us, are you? I love you, Theo.’
‘I know.’ He sighed. ‘Sorry, I’m still new to this relationship business. You know, when you talked about dating that time, I started having all sorts of jealous fantasies about some future boyfriend who might take my place in yours and Connor’s lives. Then Daryl turns up, apparently wanting to step back into the role of husband and father…’
‘I talked about dating when I was still in denial about what I felt for you. I realise now there’s only one man for me.’ She kissed him again. ‘It’s you, in case you need that clarifying. You don’t really think I could have those feelings for Daryl again, do you?’
‘No. I mean, I hope not.’ He held her tight. ‘I’ve never been so happy as I have these past two weeks we’ve officially been a couple,’ he whispered. ‘Perhaps that’s what makes me afraid of losing you. There’s a part of me that keeps whispering I don’t really deserve this.’
‘Well, that part of you’s whispering balls because you do deserve it.’ She leaned back to look into his face. ‘Look, Theo, Daryl’s assured me he’s come home for Connor alone, not me. I do think that’s a good thing. But as for me and him, whatever his intentions, we are well and truly done. I love you, no one else, and certainly not Daryl Carson. So ditch the insecurity, eh?’
He smiled and stroked his fingers over her hair. ‘OK. You’re right, I was being daft. Thanks, Lex.’
‘Feel better?’
‘Definitely. I wish he wasn’t staying at the house though. I know it’s only for a week, but I’m going to miss you to bits.’
‘You’ll still see me in the restaurant, plus there’s everything to get ready for the festival on Sunday. That’ll give us an excuse to see each other.’ She nudged him. ‘We can even nip up here occasionally for a quick bounce around. Be just like the old days, eh?’
‘That does sound good,’ he said, smiling. ‘I’ll miss coming over to hang out with you and Connor though. I bloody love that kid.’
‘I know. But like you say, it is only a week. Let’s just be adults about it and keep an eye on how things go with Daryl and Connor. Our first priority needs to be making sure this is something healthy for him and not a recipe for more hurt and confusion.’
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Lexie wasn’t back from work when Connor got home from his trip. He wished he’d remembered she had a festival committee meeting this evening so he could’ve hidden out at Oli’s. He really didn’t want to be on his own in the house with his dad.
Sure enough, he hadn’t been in his room ten minutes when there was a knock at the door.
‘Can I come in?’ Daryl asked.
‘What for?’
‘I thought we could have a little chat.’
Connor scowled at the book he was reading, one of the Discworld ones Theo had given him for his birthday.
‘Fine,’ he said. ‘But only because I promised Lexie.’
Daryl came in and glanced around at the posters and collectibles the room was adorned with.
‘So I guess you like Star Wars, eh?’ he said with an awkward smile.
‘Er, yeah,’ Connor said, rolling his eyes. ‘For, like, the last ten years.’
‘Can I sit down?’
Connor shrugged, not looking up. Daryl took a seat on his gaming chair.
‘Look, Connor, I know we—’ He broke off, frowning. ‘Could you at least put the book away and look at me?’
‘Ugh. Whatever.’ Connor flung Mort aside and sat up, crossing his arms.
‘And can we perhaps have less of the attitude?’
‘Will it make you leave faster?’
‘Possibly.’
‘All right, then I’m listening. Let’s just get it over with.’
Daryl leaned forward.
‘Connor, I know we haven’t exactly been the best of friends these last few years,’ he began.
Connor snorted. ‘Understatement.’
His dad raised an eyebrow. ‘Attitude?’
‘Yeah, yeah, all right.’
‘Do you know why I came back from Japan early?’
‘Because they offered you more money to come work in England?’
‘No. Well, yes, they did, but that’s not why I’m here. I came for you, Connor.’
Connor scoffed. ‘Like hell you did. You always cared more about making money than about me.’
‘That isn’t true,’ Daryl said earnestly. ‘Perhaps it felt that way, but it isn’t, I promise. I always cared about you.’
‘It’s a lie. You pushed me away from you all my life, even when I was a little kid and I still wanted you around. Theo’s been more like a dad to me than you. At least he knows who I am.’
‘I know who you are.’
‘All right, then what do I like?’ Connor demanded. ‘Who are my mates? What’s my favourite subject at school?’
‘OK, perhaps I don’t know those things,’ Daryl admitted. ‘But I want to learn.’
‘Yeah, well, too little, too late,’ Connor said, turning back to his book. ‘Close the door on your way out.’
‘Connor, please don’t shut me out of your life.’
‘Bec
ause you’re the expert at that, right?’
‘Look, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t the father I should’ve been and I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. I want to make it up to you, honestly.’
‘Heard it before. Believed it then, but I’m not making that mistake this time.’
‘For Christ’s sake, Connor! Can you please—’ Daryl took a measured breath. ‘Sorry. I didn’t meant to get angry. Look, is there anything I can say to get you to talk to me? Please, son.’
Connor ignored him, deliberately shutting out that helpless, pleading look in his father’s eyes. Daryl sighed again and stood up.
‘If you change your mind, come and find me,’ he said. ‘I’m not giving up on this, Connor. Not this time.’
He walked to the door, then stopped and turned around.
‘We never did talk properly about what happened to your mum, did we?’ he said quietly.
‘We never talked about it at all.’ Connor blinked hard, swallowing down a sob. ‘That’s fine. I don’t want to talk about it. Not with you.’
‘It could help us both if we did.’
‘No. I won’t talk about that. You can’t make me. Just… get out of my room, Dad.’
‘I don’t suppose you remember her at all now, do you?’
‘Yes I fucking do.’ Connor sat up and met his eyes. ‘I remember how she sang to me and read me stories and cuddled me at bedtime. I remember that she loved me, more than you ever did. And then…’ His voice trembled as a sob juddered through him. ‘…and then she was gone, and you took all her pictures down and stopped hugging me and you… you sent me away every time I wanted to talk about her.’
‘Because it hurt me, Connor,’ Daryl said in a low voice. ‘I was in a lot of pain.’
‘You think I wasn’t? My mum was gone and I didn’t understand why, and you…’ A tear escaped and he dashed it angrily away. ‘…and you told me to shut my mouth every time I asked where she was.’
‘That’s not true.’
‘It is! You couldn’t stand to hear me talk about her. You never even told me what happened until years after. The only time you ever mentioned her after she was dead was to make Lexie feel bad. Lexie was nice and she loved you, and you never loved her back. You never tried to make her happy or asked her what she wanted because you were too hung up on Mum still. No wonder she—’ He stopped.
‘No wonder she what?’
‘Nothing,’ he muttered. ‘Lexie was the one who talked about Mum to me, and helped me understand what happened. You should’ve done that. You were my dad.’
Daryl bowed his head. ‘Yes. I should.’
‘You know I thought for ages it was my fault?’
He frowned. ‘You didn’t, did you?’
‘Yeah. Mum was gone and you were angry with me all the time, and you wouldn’t tell me where she was or why she didn’t come home. I was six, Dad. I didn’t know what dying meant. Lexie was the one who helped me realise it wasn’t anything I’d done that made it happen.’
‘Yes. That was… bad,’ Daryl muttered. ‘I failed you badly, Connor, in a lot of ways. But I’m here now, and I want to talk. Please. I’m your father.’
Connor snorted. ‘Yeah, and it only took you fifteen years to remember. Get the fuck out of my room, Dad.’
‘Connor, please—’
‘I said, get out! I don’t want to talk about Mum to you. I don’t want to talk about anything to you.’ He swallowed a sob. ‘I just want you to leave me alone,’ he whispered. ‘You’ve always been good at that.’
‘OK,’ Daryl said, blinking hard. ‘If that’s what you want, then… well, I’ll be in my room if you change your mind.’
As soon as the door closed behind him, Connor burst into tears.
* * *
‘Can I hang out at yours for a bit?’ Connor asked Oli as they waited for the bus after a D&D session at Sophie’s house later that week.
‘Sure. You want to work on our characters?’
‘I kind of just want to sit and talk a bit. My dad’s at home and I’m trying to avoid him.’
Mr and Mrs Foster were still at work when they got to Oli’s. The boys went upstairs to his room and crashed on the beanbag sofa.
‘So how come your dad’s staying with you?’ Oli asked.
Connor shrugged. ‘Dunno. He reckons he’s come to make things up to me, but I know that’s not the real reason.’
‘How?’
‘Because he never gave a crap about me before. Why would he start now? He just wants a place to crash till his new flat’s ready, I guess.’
‘When’s he going?’
‘Monday, I think. Just need to stay out of his way for another two days.’
‘Will you see more of him now he’s back in England?’
‘Not if I can help it,’ Connor said. ‘Ugh, it was so cringe when he came to my room a few days ago to try this father–son bonding bullshit on me. Like he can just sod off out of my life for eighteen months then turn up again and we’ll be best mates.’
‘You don’t think he’s trying to get back together with your stepmum, do you?’
Connor flicked at some lint on his hoodie. ‘He’d better not be. She wouldn’t have him back anyway. Her and Theo are at the seriously vomworthy stage now.’
‘I know, they looked pretty bleurgh at CalderCon. You all right about that?’
He shrugged. ‘Yeah. Theo’s kind of cool – way cooler than my dad. I was hoping they might move in together, once they’ve been dating for a bit. It’s better when it’s all three of us.’
‘You’d still see your dad though, right?’
‘Not unless he makes me,’ Connor muttered darkly. ‘He didn’t want anything to do with me for years, serves him right if I feel the same way now.’
Oli sagged back against the beanbag and stretched out his long legs. ‘Maybe you should’ve gone to Japan with him.’
‘What, and leave school and you lot?’
Oli smiled. ‘Well, I didn’t say I wanted you to. I like you being here.’
Connor’s eye caught the Boba Fett keychain Oli had given him for his birthday, which he’d attached to the zip on his rucksack, and he felt his cheeks heat.
‘Anyway, it wasn’t him going to Japan that was the problem,’ he said. ‘It was after my mum died that he never seemed to want me around.’
‘How come?’
Connor shrugged. ‘Dunno,’ he muttered. ‘Guess I remind him of her or whatever.’
Oli shuffled to face him. ‘What happened to your mum, Con? You never talk about her.’
‘She… died.’ Connor stared down at his feet, struggling against a lump in his throat. ‘When I was a little kid.’
‘What did she die from, or don’t you want to tell me?’
‘Well, I guess I can, if you don’t tell anyone else.’
‘Course not.’
Connor was silent while he fought the choking feeling.
‘She was killed,’ he whispered.
Oli frowned. ‘What, in an accident?’
‘No. She was… her and my dad had gone down to London for a weekend break. I stayed at home with my nana. I think it was their wedding anniversary or something like that. And she…’ He felt a tear slide down his cheek. ‘They were out shopping and the police were chasing after this guy. I don’t know what for but he had a gun and he… he was aiming at one of them, the police officers. Only he didn’t hit them. He hit my mum.’
‘Shit!’ Oli whispered.
Almost unconsciously, Connor let his head sink onto his friend’s shoulder. Oli put an arm around him.
‘It was in all the newspapers, on TV and everything,’ Connor whispered. ‘Everyone in the country knew, but I didn’t and she was my mum. Dad never told me, or not till I was much older anyway. I guess he told my nana she wasn’t allowed to either. I think Lexie got him to in the end. She must’ve thought it’d be worse for me to find out by accident.’
‘You must’ve felt like cra
p when he told you.’
‘Yeah. I think I was nine or ten. I felt so angry at Dad, that he never told me what happened to her before. That made it even rougher between me and him. Dad didn’t want me around because I looked like Mum or something, and I… before that I always secretly wished he’d decide he liked me again and we’d hang out. But after he told me, I couldn’t think of him as my dad any more. Lexie was my real family, and Nana and Uncle Theo. When Dad moved to Japan, I hardly noticed any difference.’
‘Jesus,’ Oli said in a low voice. He reached up to stroke Connor’s hair. ‘Wish you’d told me before. I’m so sorry, mate.’
‘I never told anyone. I didn’t want to be that kid at school whose mum got shot, you know? I just wanted to be me.’
‘That must’ve been hard for your dad, having to see something like that. I can’t imagine watching something that screwed up happening to my mum or dad. It’d be like a nightmare, only real.’
Connor scuffed one shoe against the other, pressing his eyes tight shut as he struggled to stop tears escaping.
His mum’s death had haunted his nightmares for years, for all that he tried to banish any picture of it from his brain. What must it have been like, to have actually seen it in real life? Did his dad have dreams like the ones Connor sometimes had? Was he, too, forced to watch her die over and over again?
‘I guess it was bad for him,’ Connor murmured.
‘Were him and your mum, like, really in love and all that?’ Oli asked.
‘Yeah, since they were our age. He was mad about her – more than he ever was about Lexie. I hated him for that too; I mean, for making her sad. Lexie’s dead nice.’
Oli was still running his fingers through Connor’s hair, and Connor let out a soft sigh.
‘You can cry if you want,’ Oli said gently. ‘You don’t have to try not to.’
Connor managed a watery smile. ‘Thanks.’
‘Con…’
‘Yeah?’
‘All right, don’t bite my head off, but I reckon you should talk to your dad like he wants you to.’
Connor frowned. ‘Why? He doesn’t deserve it.’
