"Thank you." So grateful that he doesn't think I'm nuts. "What colour do you want to paint the nursery?"
"Light blue?" He sounds hopeful.
"I like that." I discard my box onto the table and climb into his lap.
"Do you have any names you like?" I know by the way he’s asking me that he has an idea; as long as it’s not something hideous we should be okay.
"No, what about you? Have you thought of anything?"
"What do you think of James?" I look at him and he's got a straight face. His eyes look hopeful; he's actually being serious. "Well?"
"No, sorry, babe. I won't call our son James Jr."
"What about Carter?" he asks glossing over the fact that I just vetoed James.
"Carter Moore?" I test it out, it sounds good, I like it. "Yeah, that has a nice ring to it."
He gets a weird look in his eye as his hand comes around onto my stomach. “It sounds perfect.” He kisses my lips and I lean into him, loving the connection we have as my hand covers his on my stomach.
Chapter Fifteen
Walking up the driveway, my nerves are in overdrive. I didn’t think I’d be this nervous telling Pen that James and I are going to have a baby. I’m dreading her reaction because I think if she doesn’t approve, I’ll be really hurt. I haven’t told her I’m coming but I did text and ask her if she was at Midnight Lovers and she told me she was here. So, fingers crossed she’s alone; I’d hate to interrupt her time with Grant. I press the doorbell and wait, my heartbeat skyrockets as I can hear her heels clicking against her marble floor as she comes to the door.
“Stefanie.” She greets me as she opens the door, not in the least bit surprised that I’m standing here. “Come in, I’ll put the kettle on.” She waves me in, worry in her eyes and I hate that I’m worrying her.
I walk straight through to the kitchen. It’s been at least a year since I’ve been here and it hasn’t changed, it’s still bold. Reds, purples, and blacks run throughout the house. It’s Penelope to a T—she’s bold and colourful but in a classy and elegant way. Walking into the kitchen, I’m bombarded with memories. God, I forgot how much I loved living here. When my mum died, Penelope let me come and live here with her and I honestly loved every moment of it. I went from the depths of despair to having someone who truly cared about me and what I was going through. Someone who didn’t have to be there for me, but she was. I’m not related to her, but I love her more than I think she even knows.
Her heels are still clicking against the marble floor that runs throughout the downstairs of her house. I look at her feet and I really shouldn’t be surprised that she’s in eight-inch heels. I smile when I see the leopard print on her shoes. God, this woman loves her prints. Looking at the rest of her outfit, it looks as though she was in for the day; she’s wearing a red tank top and a black skirt. Penelope rarely wears tank tops outside of her house.
“Finished?” she asks and I look at her; she’s amused. I, on the other hand, am confused. What am I finished? “I asked if you were finished checking me out?”
I smile. “I suppose.” I take a seat at the island as she puts the kettle on. “You okay, Pen?” We’ve not really had a chat in a while, we’ve both been busy and I feel as though I’ve been neglecting her.
She sighs as she takes a seat opposite me. “Yeah, I’m okay just stressed.”
I frown. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing to worry about. Grant and I are taking the next step, so to say, and I’m wondering if I’m making the right decision.” Her nails tap against the marbled counter top on the island. She’s nervous telling me this, which is so unlike Pen. She must really like Grant.
“Why are you doubting this?” I ask her as she makes the tea.
I watch as the facade she always has falls. Usually, she’s larger than life—her clothes, make-up, even her personality. But I know Pen and while yes, her personality is larger than life, the make-up and clothes are to hide that deep down she’s broken. I don’t know the ins and outs of what’s happened. Only on the rare occasions she gets drunk does she tell me about her daughter, Annalisa. All I know is she’s about my age or she would have been; she died not long before Pen found me. I don’t know what happened and I’ve tried to ask but Pen won’t talk about it. I worked it out. I’m twenty-one and Pen’s thirty-six and I know that Annalisa would have been twenty-two this year. It means Pen was fourteen when she had her.
“I’m thirty-six, Stefanie, Grant’s thirty-two. He wants kids and marriage, I honestly don’t think I can do that. I can’t do it.” Her hands are shaking as she places the cups down in front of us. “He deserves better than me, better than someone who’s broken.”
“Fuck, Pen! You’re not broken, how can you say that? Yes, you lost Annalisa and I honestly can’t imagine what you go through every day. After I had the miscarriage I felt as though I wanted to die right then and there. I felt as though I wouldn’t be happy anymore. You had your baby girl and you lost her, I’m so sorry.” This is the first time I’ve actually realised the depths of her pain and I feel horrible that we’ve never had this discussion before.
“Stefanie, why didn’t you tell me about the miscarriage? Was it his?” She really does dislike James and I’m scared for what her reaction’s going to be when I do tell her that I’m having his baby. “Stefanie, I would have helped you through it.” She’s hurt and I really do regret my decision not to turn to anyone and seek their support.
“I know. I didn’t tell anyone. You remember the day you came to my house and you told me that I had better answer my phone?” Her eyes widen. “It happened two nights before. I couldn’t tell anyone. I was so ashamed, Pen, I killed my baby.” She’s up and out of her seat in no time, her heels clicking against the floor. “Pen,” I choke and the tears fall as I remember that day. God, I don’t think the pain will ever go from losing Peyton but I seek solace knowing my mum is looking after him or her.
Her arms are around me and she kisses my head. “No, Stefanie, it’s not your fault. You didn’t kill your baby and I hate that you even think that. I’m so sorry; I should have known that you needed me. I was blind and selfish.” Fuck, she’s crying? I broke Pen!
“Pen, don’t think that. God, I didn’t want anyone to know. I didn’t let anyone know. I couldn’t face anyone. You weren’t selfish and how were you to know that I needed someone when I didn’t even know?”
“I should have known, you’re like my own, Stefanie. You have been since the day I stopped that arsehole from trying to take your virginity.” I burst out laughing at her poised face, she’s such a mum. “Ssh, to me you’re still a virgin.”
“Okay, Pen, whatever you say. But please don’t beat yourself up about it. I truly couldn’t have anyone know until I was ready and even now I’m not ready to tell the world. Thank you, for always being here for me. I know I take it for granted sometimes and I promise that stops.” She squeezes me tighter and I know that she’s missed me as much as I’ve missed her.
She lets go of me and walks back to where she was sitting. “Are you doing okay?"Her tone low and full of worry.
I shrug. “Some days are better than others. Being with James has definitely helped." She looks in disbelief. “What?" I ask.
"Stefanie, any time I see you lately, you look either upset or pissed off."
"Yeah, you're right I have been and it's taken a while to get used to the fact that not only does James have an ex-wife who's a complete bitch, but I've been lied to and I have had to deal with that whore. On top of that I've been dealing with the miscarriage. So yes, I've been upset or pissed off and I think you would be too if you had to deal with what I have." Ugh, I hate having to justify myself but I understand that Pen wants me happy and to her I owe honesty.
"Stefanie, is he the right one for you?"
I smile and instantly nod my head. “One hundred percent, Pen. While yes, there are times when I've had enough and want to scream, the other times, it’s so perfect. I love him and I truly
believe that we're meant to be."
"If you believe that then I'm happy for you. I just think he was a weasel for what he did." The disappointment is clear to hear and I want to cry. I take a deep breath and tell her the whole story.
She listens intently when I tell her everything, from the moment I bumped into Valerie at Camden Market, to finding out that she and James were divorced and that she abused him. All the way through to her evilness at leaving poor Amelia with Matt on Christmas Day and again now. The more I talk about the bitch that is Valerie the angrier I'm actually getting.
"Shit, Stefanie, you should have come to me!" she shouts and I stare at her in shock. "I'm mad that you didn't. Why do you think you have to deal with everything alone? When have I given you the impression that I wouldn't be here to support you?"
"I know you would. God, Pen, you've gone out of your way for me. You brought me into your home and made me feel as though I have some family left in this world. Sometimes I feel as though I need to sort things out myself. I need to know that I'm able to do that."
She clasps her hands and leans her head against them. “I know you do but sometimes, Stefanie, I need to know that you're okay. I need to know when you're going through things so I can be there for you. I love you, Stefanie, like I love Annalisa."She's full of emotion and she's set me off now. "Stefanie, no! Don't you dare cry." She’s pointing her finger at me, her eyes wide with horror. She hates dealing with tears.
"I love you too. You're a big softie, after all, aren't you?" I joke trying to stop the tears.
"No one is going to believe you." She's smiling from ear to ear.
"So, I wanted to talk to you about something." Wow, I'm so nervous right now, my hands are sweating.
"What's the matter?"
I blow out a quick breath and look at her. “I'm pregnant, Pen. The baby I lost was a twin."
Her mouth drops open. “What? Stefanie, oh my God. Is everything okay?”
“He’s fine. I promise.”
“He?” she squeaks out. “Oh, Stefanie, I’m happy for you.”
I smirk. “You’re going to be his nana.”
Her nose turns up in disgust. “Um, that’s never going to happen. I’m way too young to be a nan. I will however be his honorary aunt.”
“Fine, you can be honorary aunt, but I’ll still tell him you’re his nana though.” I laugh at her horrified expression. “Kidding, you wouldn’t believe how nervous I was to tell you.”
She rolls her eyes at me. “Dramatic much, Stefanie? Just because I think that James is a fool doesn’t mean I wouldn’t love your baby.”
“I know, I just didn’t want you to say anything negative.”
“That’s stupid, I wouldn’t do that. Now, how are you feeling? You don’t look as though you’re pregnant.” She’s happy; it’s written all over her face.
“I’m feeling good. I was scared at first but now I’ve gotten used to the idea I’m actually excited.” She nods, her smile lighting up her face. “Now about Grant.”
“What about him?” She’s getting defensive, her walls are up again.
“I think you owe it to yourself to forget about the age difference, forget about the kids and stuff. You need to talk to him. I mean properly talk, Pen. Then you need to decide what the right thing to do is. If you still believe that ending things is right, I’ll be behind you. But I know that you’re happy with him and I want you to stay that way.”
She’s quiet and I let her be, it’s a really difficult decision. “I do really like him and I think I may even love him. But, Stefanie, I’m a madam, or I was I should say. Who wants to introduce a madam to their family?”
Wow, I’m actually gobsmacked. “Penelope, don’t put yourself down like that! For God’s sake, you are so much more than a madam, that was years ago. Look at you now. You make sure we’re all safe; you make sure we’re all looked after. You’re an amazing woman and anyone is lucky to have you in their lives. It’s clear for everyone to see that you and Grant love each other. The marriage and kids need to be talked about. Does he know about Annalisa?”
I can tell by her face that he doesn’t. “How do I bring her up? Whenever I talk about her all I feel is raw pain. It makes me want to crawl into bed and stay there. How do I tell him that my baby girl died because I was stupid?”
“Penelope, you need to be open and honest with him, it’s the only way you can be happy.” I want to ask her what happened to Annalisa but I know now isn’t the time, she won’t tell me and I don’t think I’ll ever find out.
“I hate that you’re right. Why do you have to be? I wish it was simple. I wish I could pretend that everything was all hunky-dory but I can’t. So, I’m going to have to spill my guts and wait and see what happens. I guess I’d better get it over and done with.” She reaches for her phone and starts texting.
This is my cue to leave. “Pen, let me know how it goes. If you don’t I’ll be back here tomorrow,” I warn her and she narrows her eyes into slits. “Please?” I beg her.
“Fine, I’ll let you know.”
“Thank you, I’ll talk to you soon. Love you, Pen. I’ll see myself out.” I walk over to her and kiss her cheek, giving her a hug as I do. “Everything’s going to be okay. If he doesn’t want the same things, at least you know. But I think he’ll surprise you.”
She hugs me back. “I hope you’re right, Stefanie, I really do.”
I leave her house hoping and praying that I’m right, that Grant doesn’t care that she’s been a madam, or that she may never want any more kids. I don’t want her to get hurt. I couldn’t bear it if she was.
Eight hours later and I finally hear from her, in the form of a text message.
Pen: You were right, he did surprise me. Thank you, Stefanie. I’ll talk to you soon.
I go to bed with a smile on my face. I’m glad Pen’s happy. After everything she’s been through and everything she’s done for me and Nat, she truly deserves some happiness.
Chapter Sixteen
It's been a month since I found out I was pregnant and it's been a hell of a roller coaster. Feeling the baby move for the first time brought me to tears. I love feeling him kick and move. The day James felt it was one of the happiest days we've had. Every night James will fall asleep with his hand on my bump which has sprouted out in the past ten days—it's hard to keep it a secret now. James also talks to my bump whenever he gets a chance to. I think it’s sweet and a great way for him to connect with the baby.
It's also been a month since Valerie left Amelia with Matthew. She hasn't called or texted and we're all starting to worry. The police have been looking for her and haven't yet come up with any leads; they have no idea where she is or if she's even alive. I think that's what we're all thinking. She's been gone for four weeks, there's a good possibility she could be found dead. Both James and Matthew have hired private investigators to find her. I didn't understand why they each hired one but James explained that they've hired two of the best investigators money can buy. They're hoping they'd be able to find her sooner rather than later.
Yesterday was the very last escorting job I'd done. Thankfully it was Tim and he already knew about James and me—we've been the talk of the galas lately. Everyone's glad that he finally left Valerie and Tim told me he's happy that I'm happy. He and Gary are finally out in the open. Tim had told his parents who have disowned him but he doesn't care. He can't live a lie, it's not fair to him or Gary. I gave him a big kiss and a hug; I'm over the moon that he's finally realised that his happiness needs to come first.
Pen asked me to come by today. I'm sad that I'm leaving her, but I know I won't be leaving her life. She's one person that I could never walk away from, she means way too much to me to do that. Plus, I think she would hunt me down if I walked away.
"Are you sure you don't want a lift?" James asks me for the fifth time.
"If you want, you can drop me off," I placate him. Lately, anywhere I go he wants to make sure I get there okay. At first I thought it wa
s sweet but it's grating on me.
"Okay, if you need a lift back after the hen night, call me, okay?"
I resist the urge to roll my eyes. “I will, I promise. We'd better get a move on otherwise we're going to be late."
"Come on, beautiful, let's go." He ushers me out of the house and towards the car.
He keeps glancing at me as he drives and it's doing my head in. I want to ask him what's wrong but I know him, he'll tell me when he's ready. I take my phone out and send Jess a message. It's Saffron's hen night tonight and we're having it in Saff and Damien's apartment. Saff isn't the type to party and Damien would probably have a fit if he thought she'd be going out without him. So, for an easy life, we're going to spend the night in and have a relaxing evening; something I'm actually looking forward to.
"So, Miles called today," he says quietly causing me to look at him. Miles is the investigator that James hired. "He's got a lead on Val's car." No one has been able to locate it since she disappeared. "He's going to follow up on it today."
"Okay, where is it?" Hope fills me, if he has a lead on her car that's a good thing.
"Allerdale." I give him a look. How am I meant to know where that is? "The Lake District." His hands tighten around the steering wheel.
"What the hell is it doing there?" I pull out my phone and pull up Google Maps, it takes five hours to get to it. I don't understand why she would leave her daughter and fuck off for over a month.
"Don't know but we're going to find out." His teeth are clenched as he tells me.
He's mad and he has been since she's gone missing. I just don't understand why though. He tells me she's his past and he has no feelings for her. So why the hell is he in a pissy mood all the time?
"Spit it out, Steffy. What is it that you want to say?"
"Fine, why the hell are you so mad? You say you don't love her anymore but as soon as she fucks off you act like an arsehole. Why?" I'm on the verge of tears and I clench my fists in a bid to stop the tears from falling.
The Scandals of Life Page 14
