by Tom Stoppard
WATES: (Pleading guilty) Yeah, all right.
HAPGOOD: (Into phone) Cancel.
(She puts the phone down.)
(To WATES) I'll get back to that. So did you bring a radio-finder with you?
(To MAGGS) This one upstairs, this one reconfirm.
WATES: No, ma'am.
HAPGOOD: You thought you'd give me first crack. That's all right.
WATES: Ma'am, this is a 500 millisecond-repeat transponder-transmitter locked on seventeen megahertz with a lithium battery and a gate interrupter... it...
(He falters because she appears to be absorbed in her next paper.)
HAPGOOD: Interrupter.
WATES: It gives it a signature, it has to be the same bleep.
(She scribbles on the last decrypt, hands it to MAGGS and takes the top sheet off the other pile.)
HAPGOOD: So it went dead at ten-oh-seven yesterday morning and it was alive again at two a.m. Can they come and go like that?
WATES: Not that I ever heard. My guy couldn't figure it either. They're either fixed or broke, they don't fix themselves.
HAPGOOD: Uh-huh. Did he mention a hamster?
WATES: A what?
HAPGOOD: (To MAGGS) Roger.
MAGGS: No.
HAPGOOD: You sure? - empty square before assembly-
MAGGS: No Roger-the-hamster.
HAPGOOD: Oh, the chump. (Relieved) That's all, Maggs. Tea.
(MAGGS goes back to his office. WATES has had enough of this.)
WATES: Excuse me - we don't need to know about this stuff. When I put on the phones I felt foolish like putting on a stethoscope for a corpse that's been ten hours dead in the water - but, ma'am, we've got a situation now and I'm glad Paul is here because I'm asking him to ask you if you would open up that safe you have there and then I won't have to worry about it any more.
(HAPGOOD has stopped listening. She sits thinking.)
Paul?
(He gets no help.)
HAPGOOD: Wates, I could kiss you.
(She goes to the door.)
Merryweather.
(She heads back to her desk.)
MERRYWEATHER: (Entering) Thanks, Mother, I don't need long, it was just that I had a thought about our Russian friend -
HAPGOOD: (Sitting down) In a minute. You drained the pool.
MERRYWEATHER: Yes, that's right.
HAPGOOD: How long did that take?
MERRYWEATHER: Ages - most of the day - right down to the filter -
HAPGOOD: And?
MERRYWEATHER: I put it in Maggs's box last night.
(He means an envelope on Maggs's pile. HAPGOOD tears the envelope across.)
Looked interesting to me. Any good?
(The envelope contains a 'poker chip' transmitter. She tosses it to WATES who catches it.)
HAPGOOD: Ten hours dead in the water. It only drowns the signal, when Merryweather fished it out it was back on the air.
(MAGGS comes in with HAPGOOD's tea. It's like having tea at the Ritz without the sandwiches - nice china, tea pot, hot water jug, etc. BLAIR, who has been sitting too still for too long, now stretches all the tension out of his body, sprawling in his chair, languid again.)
BLAIR: I think I might change my mind about that tea, Maggs... how about you, Ben?
WATES: Yes. Thank you.
HAPGOOD: Just the cups, Maggs. Mr Wates takes it with lemon.
MAGGS: We haven't got a lemon.
HAPGOOD: Tsk, tsk, you must always keep a lemon.
MAGGS: (Leaving) The reply from Ottawa came in.
HAPGOOD: Oh yes?
MAGGS: Exchange bishops, and queen to king one.
HAPGOOD: Exchange bishops, my eye - he'll be lucky.
(MAGGS leaves. HAPGOOD broods for a moment. From his pocket, WATES produces his pink-paper 'diagram'. He looks at it and passes it to BLAIR. Meanwhile -)
MERRYWEATHER: Mother...
HAPGOOD: Oh, I'm sorry, Merryweather -
MERRYWEATHER: It's just that I had a thought which may or may not be something.
HAPGOOD: Of course - tell us your thought.
MERRYWEATHER: Well, I was thinking about it and something wasn't quite right. The Russian delivered to the changing room and he came straight out again...
HAPGOOD: Yes?
MERRYWEATHER: He didn't have time for a swim or anything.
HAPGOOD: Uh-huh.
MERRYWEATHER: Well, this is the thing - I was thinking about it and I'm pretty sure his towel was dry when I followed him in but it was wet when I followed him out... I was wondering if anybody had noticed that. (Pause.) Well, it was just a thought I thought I'd leave with you.
HAPGOOD: It's a good thought, Merryweather, worth thinking about. Thank you.
MERRYWEATHER: Fine. Any way I can help.
HAPGOOD: Actually, there's a job you can do for me.
MERRYWEATHER: Good - of course -
HAPGOOD: It's down the a30 past Staines.
MERRYWEATHER: Right. A meet?
HAPGOOD: A sort of meet. Just past Virginia Water you take a right, the A329 to Bracknell, a couple of miles along there's a prep school, St Christopher's.
(From the Lillywhites' bag she produces a pair of brand new rugby boots and gives them to MERRYWEATHER.)
Get there at exactly one fifty. You'll find a lot of small boys charging around outside. Stop the first boy you see and say, 'Do you know Hapgood?'
MERRYWEATHER: 'Do you know Hapgood?'
HAPGOOD: The boy will say, 'Yes, sir.' There's an outside chance he'll say, 'I am Hapgood, sir,' but probably not. Give him this, and say, 'I have a message from Mother.'
MERRYWEATHER: 'Do you know Hapgood? I have a message from Mother.' Is this the message?
HAPGOOD: No, the message is, 'The garage key is on Roger's hutch.'
MERRYWEATHER: The garage key is on Roger's hutch.'
(MAGGS comes in with the cups. He goes to add them to the tray.)
HAPGOOD: St Christopher's - the Bracknell road - one fifty.
MERRYWEATHER: Right. 'The garage key is on Roger's hutch.'
HAPGOOD: Thank you very much, Merryweather.
(She has helped him out of the door. MAGGS is following MERRYWEATHER out.)
(To MAGGS) Pawn to rook four, and tell him to put his queen back.
MAGGS: (Continuing out) Pawn to rook four.
(MAGGS closes the door behind him. Pause.)
WATES: It's Ridley.
BLAIR: Mm.
WATES: I'm sorry.
(He is commiserating, not apologizing.)
You'll have to turn over everything he ever touched.
HAPGOOD: We're already doing that.
WATES: (Surprised, wrong-footed) Since when?
HAPGOOD: Since yesterday. Paul's been here all night.
(She flicks her thumb along BLAIR's jaw bone, a technical gesture.)
You look awful.
(That's WATES wrong-footed twice.)
(To WATES) Do you remember Ganchev, our Bulgarian? - Paul and I think that's one which needs looking at, did he tell you?
(That's three times. He is suddenly really angry.)
WATES: You guys!
HAPGOOD: Wates-
WATES: My friends call me Ben!
HAPGOOD: I don't care what your friends call you, I want to tell you something - I will not be tagged by your people in my own town! I took them all round Lillywhites and I can number them off, don't think I can't, I've been followed by marching bands that did it better, and if they're not pulled by the time I go to lunch you're off the bus. Is that entirely clear?
WATES: It's clear.
HAPGOOD: Good. Did they tell you I popped into Fortnum's? (From the little Fortnum's bag she takes a lemon, which is all the bag contains and adds it to the tea-tray.) Where are we, Paul? (BLAIR passes her WATES's pink diagram.)
BLAIR: Where we are is that when the bleep died it was no longer in the briefcase, it was in the water, and Ridley was by the pool. We're no further than that. But it's really quit
e attractive: every month, Ridley helps to pack Kerner's briefcase. That's his job. Kerner's job is handing the briefcase over to the Russians.
WATES: It's made in heaven.
BLAIR: Yes. The opposition don't care which way Kerner is bent, either way he's a channel for Ridley. Yesterday it nearly came apart but only because of the leak in Moscow. Ridley had to remove the evidence.
WATES: Why did he remove your films?
BLAIR: (Smoothly) Obviously because he put in a roll of film and they all look the same.
WATES: And the bleep?
BLAIR: Oh, you know, pass-the-parcel... did you ever play that? The object is not to be the one holding the parcel when the music stops. Ridley drowned the signal when... someone else was holding the...
WATES: (Deflecting) Yes, all right. (Pause.) And he did all that without opening the briefcase?
BLAIR: Ah, yes. That's the bit we're still working on.
WATES: I'd say you have a problem.
BLAIR: We have a hypothesis.
WATES: A hypothesis'?
BLAIR: Mmm. Actually, it's Mr Kerner's hypothesis.
(BLAIR and HAPGOOD are complicitly wary of WATES, not secretive but slightly embarrassed, expecting his derision.)
WATES: And is this hypothesis a hypothesis you can share?
HAPGOOD: It's twins.
WATES: It's twins?
HAPGOOD: Two Ridleys.
(Long pause. BLAIR and HAPGOOD watch him nervously.)
WATES: (Evenly) Yeah... that would do it.
(HAPGOOD and BLAIR relax.)
HAPGOOD: Thank you, Ben. Well, should I be mother?
SCENE 5
An indoor shooting range. But we don't really know that yet. We see RIDLEY, downstage in the only lit area, ready to shoot, holding his gun towards the dark upstage. RIDLEY shoots six times. His shots are aimed at six illuminated targets which make their sudden and successive appearances. Some of the targets are 'blue' and some (most) are 'green'. (Or, cut-out figures, of villains and civilians, with some changes to the dialogue.)
No targets are showing when we see RIDLEY. He starts shooting when the first target appears.
RIDLEY's six targets come up as four greens, then a blue, then a green. He hits the first two, misses the third and fourth, hits the fifth, which is the blue, and the sixth. RIDLEY's conversation is with an amplified VOICE. RIDLEY doesn't have to raise his voice to reply, but his voice echoes.
VOICE: Stop shooting. Two misses, three greens and you killed a blue. Reload.
RIDLEY: Reloading.
VOICE: On your go, and remember blue is our side.
RIDLEY: Yes, sir.
(HAPGOOD enters quietly, walking behind RIDLEY's back.)
VOICE: Mr Ridley, on your go.
RIDLEY: Go.
(The first target is blue. RIDLEY lets it live. The next five are all green, rapid. RIDLEY hits four, misses the fifth, and hardly has time to curse before the target is knocked out by a sixth shot, from HAPGOOD's gun.)
VOICE: Wait a minute - wait a minute -
(HAPGOOD comes into RIDLEY's light, putting a small automatic into her handbag.)
HAPGOOD: Hey, Ridley.
RIDLEY: Mother.
VOICE: Is that you, Mrs Hapgood?
HAPGOOD: (Cheerful) Hello, Mac. How've you been?
VOICE: Ma'am, you're breaking the rules.
HAPGOOD: I know, I'm hopeless. Will you give us the shop for a while?
VOICE: Do you want the mike?
HAPGOOD: No, no need.
VOICE: I'll be in the back.
HAPGOOD: Thank you. (We lose the echo.)
(To RIDLEY) I have to talk to you.
RIDLEY: Funny place to choose.
HAPGOOD: I'm not sure that I want to be seen with you, Ridley.
(RIDLEY considers this. He considers her. He has his gun in his hand. He puts the gun away behind him, into his waistband under his jacket next to his spine. He takes out a packet of cigarettes, puts one in his mouth, puts the packet away, and feels for the lighter.)
Don't light it.
(RIDLEY takes the cigarette out of his mouth and holds it unlit.)
RIDLEY: What's the problem?
HAPGOOD: The problem is, someone's playing dirty and we're favourite.
RIDLEY: (Quite pleased) You and me? What have we done?
HAPGOOD: The story is we're bent. We've been using Kerner to pass real secrets. Yesterday it went wrong for us and we had to steal them back during the meet. You passed the briefcase to me and I emptied it.
RIDLEY: If this is Wates why doesn't he go for the obvious? The stuff was never in there.
HAPGOOD: Wates tracked it to the pool, he had a finder on the bleep. It stayed alive till the briefcase got to me.
(RIDLEY laughs.)
RIDLEY: I think I see. You cracked the transponder in your teeth.
HAPGOOD: I was in the shower. It doesn't work in water.
(RIDLEY likes that even better.)
RIDLEY: And what about the Geiger? Weren't you clean?
HAPGOOD: No. When I opened the briefcase to see if we had a result... How do you like it so far?
RIDLEY: (Delighted) It's beautiful. I'm beginning to think you did it. I don't see that you'd need me.
HAPGOOD: Well, there are a couple of other things. Wates has been digging up the back garden and he thinks he's found some bones he can make bodies out of.
RIDLEY: Like what?
HAPGOOD: Like Athens.
RIDLEY: Ah, Athens. We met in Athens. Oh, Mother... Athens was the best time of my life.
HAPGOOD: Was it? We had an operation that blew up in our faces.
RIDLEY: What's that to Wates?
HAPGOOD: Well, that girl in Athens, the night she was busted, she said you were there, outside.
RIDLEY: That was rubbish. I was with you.
HAPGOOD: I know.
RIDLEY: In a parked car in Piraeus waiting for our Russian who never turned up, we were pretending to be lovers.
HAPGOOD: Don't leer, it suits you.
RIDLEY: What else?
HAPGOOD: Ganchev.
RIDLEY: Good heavens. What a team.
HAPGOOD: I tell you, Ridley, I'm sick of being your alibi. I can't blame Wates for wondering about us.
RIDLEY: Did Wates talk to you?
HAPGOOD: No.
RIDLEY: He talked to Paul Blair? Blair wouldn't be impressed. It's all circular. It can't be me without you, it can't be you without me, so it's both of us. Whatever happened to neither? Did Blair listen?
HAPGOOD: He listened but he thinks he knows better.
RIDLEY: Trust, you see.
HAPGOOD: No, he thinks it's Kerner.
RIDLEY: Yes, that makes sense.
HAPGOOD: Why?
RIDLEY: Every double is a risk - Blair would have to consider it.
HAPGOOD: Well, I hope he's wrong.
RIDLEY: That's a funny thing to say, Mother.
HAPGOOD: (With passion) Kerner is my joe! I turned him. If he's bent, something must have turned him back again -recently, a few months ...
RIDLEY: What would that be?
HAPGOOD: (Shrugs) Toska po rodine.
RIDLEY: What's that?
HAPGOOD: Homesickness, but squared. You have to be Russian.
RIDLEY: That could be. Did he leave a family?
HAPGOOD: Why?
RIDLEY: When I processed him after the meet I found a photograph, fingernail size, cut out with scissors, like from a team photo. It was hidden in the lining of his wallet, an amateur job... picture of a boy in a football shirt.
HAPGOOD: (Looks at him steadily) What did you do with it?
RIDLEY: I put it back, Mother. Do I have to keep calling you Mother? You can call me Ernest. (Pause.) Call me Ridley.
HAPGOOD: You're all right, Ridley. The firm will miss you.
RIDLEY: Say again?
HAPGOOD: You're suspended. So am I. Wates took his story upstairs. Paul Blair is running my operations. Do you think I got you
here for fun?
RIDLEY: God almighty. What do we do now?
HAPGOOD: You do what Blair tells you. In my office, seven o'clock, and you're there to listen, don't talk out of turn. By the way, we're not telling the Americans.
RIDLEY: Trust me. (Then a flat challenge.) Why don't you, as a matter of fact?
HAPGOOD: You're not safe, Ridley. You're cocky and I like prudence, you're street smart and this is a boardgame. In Paris you bounced around like Tigger, you thought it was cowboys and Indians. In Athens you killed a man and it was the best time of your life, you thought it was sexy. You're not my type. You're my alibi and I'm yours. Trust doesn't come into it.
RIDLEY: Well, go and fuck yourself, Hapgood, (he now takes his lighter out and lights his cigarette with deliberate, insolent defiance) since we're on suspension. You come on like you're running your joes from the senior common room and butter wouldn't melt in your pants but you operate like a circular saw, and you pulled me to watch your back because when this is a street business I'm your bloody type all right, and in Athens if you could have got your bodice up past your brain you would have screwed me and liked it. (He starts to leave.)
HAPGOOD: Ridley. (He stops.) Safety.
RIDLEY: I didn't reload.
HAPGOOD: You saved on the blue.
RIDLEY: That's true.
(He takes his gun from the holster, checks it and puts it back.) This is all right.
HAPGOOD: What is?
RIDLEY: I like it when it's you and me. (RIDLEY leaves. KERNER enters, coming towards her out of the dark and into the light. She sees him and is not surprised. She takes her radio out of her bag.)
HAPGOOD: (To radio) Is he clear?
RADIO: Green.
HAPGOOD: I'm here to be told.
(She puts the radio back into her bag.)
(To KERNER) Do you mean there's another one like him?
KERNER: It's a hypothesis.
HAPGOOD: So where's the other one?
KERNER: Maybe that was the other one.
HAPGOOD: Joseph!
(Their manner is as of intimate friends.) Did you look at Wates's diagram?
KERNER: (Nods) Positional geometry. Leibnitz. I'll tell you about him.
HAPGOOD: No, don't.
KERNER: You're right, it's marginal. I'll tell you about Leonhard Euler. Were you ever in Kaliningrad?
HAPGOOD: No, I'm afraid not.
KERNER: I was born in Kaliningrad. So was Immanuel Kant, as a matter of fact. There is quite a nice statue of him. Of course, it was not Kaliningrad then, it was Konigsberg, seat of the Archdukes of Prussia. President Truman gave Konigsberg to Stalin. My parents were not consulted and I missed being German by a few months. Well, in Immanuel Kant's Konigsberg there were seven bridges. The river Pregel, now Pregolya, divides around an island and then divides again, imagine nutcrackers with one bridge across each of the handles and one across the hinge and four bridges on to the island which would be the walnut if you were cracking walnuts. An ancient amusement of the people of Konigsberg was to try to cross all seven bridges without crossing any of them twice. It looked possible but nobody had solved it. Now, when Kant was ten years old... what do you think? HAPGOOD: Did he really? What a charming story. KERNER: The little Kant had no idea either. No, when Kant was ten years old, the Swiss mathematician Leonhard Euler took up tie problem of the seven bridges and he presented his solution in the form of a general principle. Of course, Euler didn't waste his time walking around Konigsberg, he only needed the geometry.
