by Lynne Silver
“Me they’ll let leave. You’re still a wild card. I’m not sure they’ll let me off campus easily, but I’ve been coming and going frequently in the last month.”
“And then what?”
“Then we ditch the car, hitchhike or find another way to get to New York.”
He made it sound so easy. His confidence and cool manner was what allowed her to believe in the plan even though she hated the plan for its necessity. In a perfect world, they would move to New York together. Or stay in Maryland and she could still pursue being a singer.
He leaned closer and looked at her seriously. “It means you’re going to New York with the clothes on your back. Nothing else. It won’t be easy.”
She swallowed. If she stayed here life would be easy. All meals and housing were provided. She wouldn’t have to ever worry about money. And she’d have Peter.
She kept her gaze on his handsome face and thought about what he wasn’t saying. Going to New York was terrifying, but it would also be exhilarating. No, she couldn’t live here giving up her dream of music. The whole situation sucked. She didn’t see a way for both of them to emerge as winners.
“At least we have tonight together,” he said.
She smiled through her tears, but though they spent the night wrapped in each other’s arms, they didn’t make love. They both seemed to understand it would be too hard to let each other go if they were intimate.
Allison dozed in and out of a fitful sleep. She’d spend an hour sure she was making the right decision to leave Peter and go to New York, then she’d sob silently against his wide chest wondering how she’d leave him, and she’d decide to stay. Becoming a rock star was a pipe dream, wasn’t it? Chances of her succeeding were nearly nil. Better to stay here with a man who loved her. But then she’d hear a line of music float through her head and know she’d never be whole if she stayed.
The next morning, everything went according to plan. She curled into a ball in the dark trunk. Peter had wrapped a thick blanket next to her to protect her from the worst of the bumps. Nevertheless, she was grateful when he finally stopped the car and released her.
She blinked into the bright summer sunshine and held Peter’s hand as they strode through the large parking lot of the shopping mall toward her car, which had been left there overnight. Seeing the car reminded her that her parents had to be terrified that she’d never come home or called. Knowing Peter’s bosses had left her parents a note didn’t help much. Though she and her parents had argued a lot this summer about her going to college, she was still pretty close with them and never would’ve left without a proper good-bye. She’d call them as soon as she made it to New York safely.
They reached her green and wood paneled Buick wagon, a hand-me-down from her mom. She started toward the driver’s side door, keys in hand. The lump in her throat was about the size of Texas. It was time to say good-bye.
“What are you doing?” she asked when Peter took the keys out of her hand. For the first time she noticed he had a large black backpack slung over his shoulder.
“I’m coming with you.”
Her heart did a full cartwheel. “But—”
“Made up my mind last night. Living without you isn’t an option.”
“But…”
“Don’t argue with me. I’m not changing my mind.”
She could see that he meant it, and she wanted to break into song there in the parking lot. He was coming with her. To New York. He caught her flying leap into his arms effortlessly and whirled her into a hug, their lips clashing in an ecstatic kiss. Then she pulled back. “I can’t let you do this. For the same reasons you want me to go to New York, I want you to stay here and do what you were bred to do. I’d feel like a traitor to my country if I took you with me.”
His thumb brushed her lower lip. “That’s sweet.” But his smile was rueful. “Allison, I was bred to be a soldier, and I’m good at it, but this summer I saw that I could live a normal life. I’m sick of living someplace with everyone treating me like a science experiment. Even my parents look at me like that. You’re the only person I know who treats me like a man.”
She swallowed and looked at his face, her heart breaking at his words. She couldn’t imagine living the life he’d described. How could she ask him to return there? It would be cruel. “Okay. Come with me.”
Their mutual grins were beams of sunshine adding to a now perfect day.
“It’s going to be amazing.” she said, clutching his shirt to her face and inhaling his scent, the smell she’d thought she’d have to abandon for the rest of her life. At the realization that she could now kiss him or touch him any time she wanted, she pulled him in for another hug.
“Agreed. Now let’s get moving.”
He didn’t have to ask her twice. She raced around to the passenger seat and hopped in, content to let Peter drive. He started up the engine and frowned at the steering wheel.
“Everything okay?”
“This car’s engine is not nearly in as good shape as the car we’re leaving behind.” He glanced behind him at the black Program car, lonely as a funeral in its remote parking spot. “Never mind, this is fine,” he added when her face must have revealed her dismay at his criticism of her precious mode of transportation. “Let’s move out.”
She threw her hands in the air. “Woo hoo! Road trip.” She reached for the radio and turned to her favorite station where she started to sing along.
Peter reached and lowered the volume. “I’ve never heard you sing before,” he said in response to her questioning gaze. “I want to hear you, not the radio.”
Her heart melted a little more with love, and she kept her gaze on him as she sang along to the radio. She was actually a little nervous at his reaction. What if he thought she sucked? Here they were running away to New York to follow her rock star dream, and it would be embarrassing and horrible if he thought she couldn’t make it.
His expression in profile gave nothing away, as he kept his hands on the wheel and steadily pulled into traffic out of the parking lot. They were a mile down the road when the song finally ended and she stopped singing. “Well?” she demanded. Her heart beat a little faster waiting on his verdict.
“I’m no expert,” he said, causing her stomach to dip. “But I could listen to you sing all day. And I’m not saying that ‘cause I love you. I really mean it.”
“Thank you.” Paltry words, but her wide smile said it all. After that, they spent the next two hours on 95 North with her singing and trying to teach him the words to some of the more popular songs. Rolling Stones lyrics he knew, and they managed quite a duet on Paint it Black. “You could sing with me. Your voice isn’t bad,” she said.
“No, thank you.” But he was smiling as he said it. He squeezed her thigh, and she clutched at his hand to bring it up to her lips for a kiss. They remained holding hands for the next little bit until a car cut them off and he needed both hands to drive. She leaned against the door and watched him sleepily until she drifted off, catching up on the sleep she’d missed the night before.
“Allison, wake up. We’re here.”
“Huh?” She shifted in the seat and stretched her neck trying to lose some of the stiffness of sleep.
“Look.” Peter pointed out the window, and off in the distance she saw the massive twin towers.
She glanced over at the city, but it was Peter who had her attention. He was staring raptly at the city skyline, a huge grin on his face.
“Amazing, huh?” she stated quietly, letting him absorb his first glance at the city that never slept.
“Incredible. It’s one thing to see it on TV, but it’s different in person.”
“Let’s go.” She bounced a little in her seat, eager to get into the city, find a place to stay and start exploring. She couldn’t wait to show Peter CBGB.
If Peter was rattled by the traffic and crazy drivers of the city, he didn’t show it, as he calmly drove through Lincoln Tunnel and wound his way downtown. He pulled
into a parking spot, they fed the meter, and then went looking for a pay phone.
“Priorities,” she explained. “I have to call my parents and let them know I’m alive. Then we’ll scour the classifieds and see if anyone has a room for rent.”
Peter sat up in the hotel bed where he and Allison slept totally naked. A strange noise at the door had him tensing and scoping out the room for the threat. Tonight they were in a hotel room, but tomorrow they would be in their new tiny apartment shared with another woman. Someone was trying to get into their room. He cursed, wishing for a weapon, but he hadn’t brought anything with him.
He’d planned on starting a new life, one in which he wasn’t a soldier. Civilians didn’t need weapons. So here he was, in the most dangerous city in the country, unarmed. Shit.
The door swung open and his enhanced vision made out two men walking into his room as if they belonged there. A third man followed.
“Dad?”
Beside him, Allison stirred.
“Peter, it’s me,” his father said.
One night. He got one fucking night of freedom. “What are you doing here?”
“We’re here to bring you home, son. Where you belong.”
He shook his head and snapped on the light on the nightstand. “No, Dad. I belong here now. With Allison. She’s my match.”
“Peter?” Allison sat up slightly and brushed his arm with her hand. He tucked the blanket around her to cover her nudity. “What’s going on?”
He looked from her to his father. He should’ve guessed they’d follow him, but he’d never dreamed they’d catch him so quickly.
“How did you find me?”
“Tracker,” one of the soldiers next to his father said, confirming his suspicions.
“Is it in me? Am I tagged like an animal?”
“No,” his father said, but didn’t reveal any more details.
“I’m not coming with you, Dad.” Allison’s hand found his thigh under the comforter and squeezed. His heart pounded. It took twenty years but he was finally standing up to his father. A father who’d been loving, but demanding and wouldn’t accept anything less than his son joining the Program and fulfilling the contract his father had signed.
“Peter, you don’t have a choice. If you leave, you’re a deserter, a traitor, and it’s been made clear to me that they will follow all protocol when it comes to military traitors,” his dad said in a low voice meant only for Peter’s ears.
In other words, execution.
He swallowed. He wasn’t afraid to die, but he was afraid not to live. And he’d realized over the summer that before he’d met Allison, he hadn’t been living. It had been a shell of a life.
“Peter,” his father said, letting all the warnings and pleas remain silent. His father had come to warn him, to beg him to return without a fight.
He shifted in the bed, reaching for his boxers, which had been left haphazardly on the floor. He pulled them on under the covers then stood next to the bed. Allison made a move like she was going to join him in his stance next to the bed, but then she obviously remembered she was naked and clasped the blanket tighter against her chest.
“I need a minute,” he told his father.
The room cleared, and he held no illusions that he and Allison could escape. There were choices to be made, none of them easy. As he thought, he pulled on his clothes.
“Peter?” Allison looked up at him from her position in the bed, looking vulnerable and sexy, and he knew he’d always remember her looking at him like that, with wide questioning eyes and her blond hair in a tousled waterfall around her head and shoulders.
He kneeled on the bed next to her. In his hand was his wallet from which he extracted every dollar of the two hundred he’d brought with him. “Here.” He tried to hand her the money, but she remained staring at him, unresponsive.
“Take it.” He left the pile of money on her lap.
“I don’t understand.” A single tear slid down her cheek, but she brushed it aside, and no more followed. “What happened to running away to New York with me? What about living your life like a normal man?”
“It can’t happen. There are things I didn’t understand yesterday.” He deliberately kept silent about traitors and execution. That was his burden to bear. He wanted Allison to live here with a clear conscience.
She gaped at him.
Her lips parted, but he didn’t let her get any words out. He leaned over and clasped her cheeks in his palms. Their lips met for what he guessed would be the last time. “I love you. And I will always love you, but a happy ever after for us was never in the cards. I let myself believe it for one foolish night, but reality’s come knocking.” He gestured to the door where his father and team waited. “Now go make yourself the most famous singer in America. If you ever need me, you know where to find me.”
He backed off the bed, scooped up his backpack, and slammed out of the hotel room without a look back. One look back, and he’d say screw it all to the world and stay with her for every second they had left.
But unfortunately if he stayed, they would only have fleeting seconds remaining. He had to go.
1985
Allison slung a towel over her neck and hustled into the dark dingy dressing room of the club she called home for the night. The show had been one of her best ones of late. They always were when she felt him there.
She’d never spotted him; he never let her, but she always knew when Peter showed at one of her gigs. The first time it had happened, she thought the zinging of her skin and racing of her heart were simply nerves at playing her first legit club, but then she’d gone to the dressing room and found a little plastic model of R2-D2 sitting on her makeup bag.
The message had been unmistakable. Peter had somehow snuck in and left it for her. She now had a collection of roughly seven Star Wars figurines. She wondered what tonight’s would be. She smiled when she saw it was Princess Leia in her metal bikini, the fantasy of a generation of fanboys. This time, there was a note under the figure. Two words: I know.
Laughter mixed with tears at Peter’s arrogance. It took balls to borrow Han Solo’s famous response to Leia’s telling him she loved him. Arrogance, yes, and knowledge, because in the five years since he’d left her in the hotel room, her love for him hadn’t dimmed.
On a very rare occasion, she thought about taking a lover for a night just to ease the ache of never being held, never sharing her body. But she never did. There was no replacing Peter. What made it worse was the knowledge that she didn’t have to. She knew the option to return to Maryland and be his match was always on the table. She could return to him at any time.
But after five years in the music industry, she was starting to gain traction. She had an agent now and a song that was getting some radio play in smaller markets. If she left now it’d be the great unknown. She’d wonder forever what if. No, she couldn’t return to Peter yet, but maybe someday.
1990
“Hey, Commander. There’s someone at the front gate who says they want to talk to you.”
Peter looked up from the map on the conference room table and stifled a sigh. Enhanced the soldiers under his command they may be, but they had a lot to learn. No one he wanted to talk to would show up uninvited at the Program front gate. “Tell him to go away. With force if necessary.”
“It’s a she.”
Now all the soldiers around the oblong table were paying attention. Women didn’t often show up at their gates unless they’d been specifically invited, which hadn’t happened for a few years.
“She kind of looks like that singer Allie Peete. You know,” and he started to sing a few bars of Allison’s biggest hit to date.
Peter was up and out of the conference room before his soldiers reached the chorus, because they were all singing by now.
Maybe someday we’ll be together
Love will be there
Love stays
Maybe someday…
Cue the drum solos. Pens
, hands, and in one case, a boot were banged on the table, the sound following Peter out the door and into the bright sunshine where he broke into a run toward the front gate.
His heart pounded, not from the exertion but from the knowledge that in seconds he’d see Allison again.
And there she was. Standing just inside the front gate, a young trainee at her side, looking more like he was about to ask for an autograph than her photo ID. Her hair was still blonde, but a warm golden color. A skimpy tank top clung to her breasts, worn over a long flowing skirt that made her look like a modern-day hippie.
“I got this, Seth,” Peter said to him.
“Sure thing, Shep.”
They waited until the young soldier was some distance away before they let their gazes meet.
“Shep?” Allison’s voice was the same husky, sexy tone he heard in his dreams.
“Commander Shepard is a mouthful. I mostly go by Shep these days.” He smiled at her and then she was in his arms, her suitcase on its side at their feet. They stood silently, wrapped around each other, absorbing the scent and feel of each other. Finally he lowered his head to find her lips with his.
His kiss was met with enthusiasm. “Peter,” she repeated between kisses. “I’ve missed you.”
The sun seemed to shine brighter as their lips connected, making him feel whole for the first time in ten years. His fingers threaded through her hair, silk on his callused hands.
He kept kissing her, grabbing every second he could, because he didn’t know the answer to the question that needed asking. He almost didn’t want to ask for fear it’d be an answer that’d re-break his heart.
Finally she pulled away, and they grinned at each other under the hot Maryland sun.
“I’m here, Peter,” she said softly.
“For how long?” he asked, girding his heart to hear the worst.
“For as long as you want me. I’m done being alone. No other man measured up to you. If you still want me, I want to be yours.”
“Forever?” It was a simple question with no simple answers. There was her career, her fame, and his career to deal with. But he’d spent the last ten years working his way up in the Program ranks, making changes along the way to pave the way for her return. Soldiers were now allowed off campus after age fifteen. They routinely went to movies, and concerts, and several had even graduated college and returned to serve. The secret of who they were remained safe. She didn’t know any of this yet, and she’d still come back to him.
