by Al K. Line
"So, you're a girlfriend-murdering, trouble-making wizard with a magical portal and you killed three witches this morning, fought a super witch, got killed repeatedly, had a chat with Death, and... Anything else?"
"Oh, loads. But let me explain about my ex first. You see, she was a shifter, could change into a dog, a nice Collie actually. But she betrayed me to the vampires when I was trying to steal a warehouse full of magical artifacts from Cerberus, a super-secret organization that hides magical items."
"Obviously."
"Yes. When Candy betrayed me, and after loads of people got killed, I killed her for her treachery. Then I fought the original vampire, Mikalus, a man who I'd helped bring back by giving his centuries-old ashes to the vampires who resurrected him in my kitchen and threatened to use my daughter as a sacrifice. But Ivan, current head of all things vampire, and Vicky's brother, who also happens to be a werewolf, both of them actually, well, he stepped in and saved George. Now he's in charge of crime and vampires, but he's a good uncle, brilliant at babysitting."
Penelope stared at me open-mouthed.
"Um, too much?" I didn't know what I was doing. I was babbling like a fool, spilling secrets left and right as though all this made sense. I'd just told her enough to get her killed in an instant if any number of people found out. Plus, it was probably a bit of a shock. I mean, even as I said it, it sounded far-fetched. But damn, I led an interesting life, if a depressing one.
"There are vampires?"
"Yes."
"And werewolves?"
"Oh, yes. Vicky and Ivan can change once a month. You should see it, it's quite something. Actually, when I was tied up yesterday, um, last night, no, the other night, sorry, I suffer from insomnia, and get muddled. Did I tell you I'm a terrible sleeper? No? Sometimes I go into the sewers to work out with Beast. He's this huge muscle-bound dude who lives down there and puts me through one hell of a workout. He's—"
"Stop! Arthur, what are you talking about? I can't take all this in. It's too much. I don't know if this is a twisted joke and the cameras will appear, if you're just insane, or if I'm the one who's lost her mind. We just went through a magic portal!"
Penelope was beginning to lose the plot. She was pacing, and ranting, and looking flushed. She looked hot. But maybe I should have eased her into this? I couldn't though, she had to know, and right now, or this would never work. Not that I wanted it to. She was the last thing I needed. There was the memory of Candy and what I'd done. What if I killed this woman too? I couldn't bear to think about it. I could not risk it.
"I'll take you back. This was a terrible mistake. I'm sorry. I want to tell you everything, so you know, so you can make an informed decision, but I can hear myself talking and I know it sounds nuts. My life is complicated; this isn't for you. You live a regular life. You don't want to be dealing with vampires and witches and fae and werewolves and go through portals and talk to sentient sticks and see magic."
"Arthur, stop! That's exactly what I want. I, um, I didn't know I wanted it, didn't know any of this existed, was even possible. But if it is, I want in. Not because I am way overdue some excitement, although I am a woman in her forties so I most certainly am due that, but because, and I don't know why, this feels right. You feel right. We feel right. Us. Together."
"Great! Or, um, not great. You heard what I just said about Candy. I killed my last girlfriend. She betrayed me, sold me out, and in our world you know what happens when you do that."
Penelope stepped close. I felt giddy with her perfume and her very essence. She took my hands. "I would never betray you. Never."
I believed her.
Pouring My Heart Out
"So you have a genuine, for real, faery godmother? And not long ago you went to her home world, Faery, and rescued her from this mad woman who kidnapped her and your daughter?"
"And Vicky."
"Right, and Vicky. And Sasha's been trying to make up for causing the trouble ever since?"
"Yeah. You should see her, she is beautiful. Um, and so are you."
"You're so sweet." Penelope punched me playfully on the arm. I fawned like an adoring puppy. God, this was so terrible. "And you have extra lives? You know Death, you fought this witch woman earlier today, dug holes, buried people, thought you would die, and all that other stuff? How can you cope with it?"
"That's easy," I said, standing and stretching as boy did I ache. "I screw up, I fall asleep and crash cars, I get smacked over the head, all kinds of dumb stuff."
"I get the feeling you're anything but dumb. I get the feeling that you're brave and strong and a brilliant warrior and an exceptional man. I think you're kind, and love your family, and yes, you are a bit strange, but so is this whole situation."
"Um, yeah, maybe." I was getting distracted, because Penelope had stood up and was now very close.
Her eyes widened and she stepped back.
"Arthur Salzman, is that a wand in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?"
Look, I can't tell you how many years I'd dreamed of a hot woman saying that to me. Ever since I was a boy, ever since I decided to be a wizard and got my first wand. It's like the ultimate, utterly unoriginal, cheesy line, but as Penelope purred and I grew hot under the collar, I blurted, "Would you like me to show you?"
Penelope licked her lips and I knew I was utterly done for.
Cool Stuff That Never Happens in Real Life
Some time later, feeling giddy with an awesome post-hot-sex-in-a-barn high, and acting like a bit of a twat if I'm honest as nobody wants to see a man dance about like a fool because he's in love and can't believe he actually got to do it in the hay, we got dressed and I finally introduced Penelope to Wand.
"Penelope, this is Wand. Wand, this is Penelope."
"Pleased to meet you, Wand," said Penelope, smiling and looking ravishing with her tousled hair as she adjusted her blouse.
"Blimey, I can't believe you actually did it. You scored with a hot babe and you did it in a barn. You dirty bugger. So awesome."
"What did he say?"
"He said it's nice to meet you and you seem like a lovely lady," I said, glaring at Wand, then grinning like an idiot because I really did get to do it in a barn and she was super hot.
"What's this right on the tip?" Penelope reached out and touched the sigil near the top of Wand. He burst into life and white magic spurted from the end then he almost went limp.
"Hell, it exploded" screamed Penelope as she jumped back then checked her hand for burns.
"He isn't used to being touched by females, but he's never done that before. You okay, Wand?"
"Eh, what happened? What was that? I feel funny, all tingly, and if I had a stomach I'd say it's churning. Did I just shoot magic? That shouldn't happen. Arthur, this woman is a keeper. She's amazing. Electrifying."
"You think?"
"Sorry, what?" asked Penelope.
"Oh, I was talking to Wand."
"Right.
I switched to silent mode, or this would be too confusing. "She's perfect, isn't she?" I asked.
"Absolutely. You know this means trouble, loads of it? She'll distract you, she'll be on your mind all the time, and something awful will happen. You'll get yourself killed."
"I know. But I can't help myself. She's the one. And maybe I deserve a happy ending for once."
"Maybe." Wand didn't sound convinced, probably because I wasn't.
But there was a chance this would all work out, there had to be. After Candy, there was no way the same thing would happen again. I couldn't be that unlucky. No, this was my future, with her, and I was so upset about it because I knew it would complicate my life having a citizen involved in it. Not because anything bad would happen to her, for some reason I felt utterly confident she would remain safe, but because it would put me at increased risk and I wouldn't be focused. Plus, it was scary. I'd never felt anything even close to this before.
"You finished talking yet?" asked Penelope.
"Yes, so
rry. Shall we go meet everyone? I'm cooking."
"Ah, the fabled lasagna?"
I stepped back, aghast. "Are you nuts? It's Sunday. Roast, with all the trimmings."
"Sounds perfect. Yum." Penelope licked her lips. We both stared down to a certain spot in my combats.
"Dinner can wait," I said, as I grabbed her and we rolled about in the hay a while longer.
Meeting the Family
"Welcome to the madhouse," I said with a grim smile as I opened the front door to my home and heat and noise hit. Neither of us went inside.
"How many children did you say you had?" Penelope asked nervously.
"Don't worry, only George the flame-haired girl lives here and is mine. The terrible twins are Vicky's. They come stay some weekends. Help George with the horses, hang out. They're little darlings, just like to play a lot."
"I do like children," said Penelope wistfully.
"They'll love you, everyone will," I said glumly.
"Hey, what's with the frown? You always like this? I'm not marrying a grump, you know." Penelope smiled, making a joke of it, but we both knew that this was real, that we were locked to each other like two perfect, final pieces of the most complicated jigsaw puzzle there had ever been.
Already it felt like we'd known each other years, yet I didn't know the first thing about this woman. I noticed how her brown highlighted hair caught the light and wondered how it was that something so ordinary could make my heart race.
"I do get grumpy," I admitted. "It's the lack of sleep."
"You don't need to worry about that anymore, Arthur. I will cuddle you all through the night and you can cry onto my chest and I will be there when you wake up in the morning. As long as it isn't after I have to get up for work. Work! Oh my God, I'm supposed to be in work. I totally forgot."
"That's what meeting a dark, handsome stranger does to a girl."
"I only started last week. I need to call them. I was only popping out on my break to get something for dinner."
"Do it quick, so I can introduce you."
Penelope made a hurried call. I didn't hear what she said as I was too busy daydreaming of cuddles and warm nights, then she tapped me on the shoulder and smiled nervously
We both took a deep breath, removed our shoes, then wandered down the hall and into the kitchen.
"Everyone," I shouted above the din, "this is Penelope. We're going to get married," I said glumly.
"Hi," said Penelope, and waved.
George dropped a mug of coffee, Vicky released a very sharp knife that clattered to the floor, the girls starting singing, "Uncle Arthur's got a girlfriend, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah," and I squeezed Penelope's hand.
We stood there, like a right pair of lemons, everyone staring at us.
"We, um, we met in town, and it was love at first sight."
"Hey, you could sound happier about it," Penelope chastised, her eyes sparkling at my misery.
"I told you, I'm bad news. This is awful, there'll be loads of trouble, and you'll hate me."
"I won't. I understand you already, Arthur. And remember what I promised?" Penelope moved closer and whispered, "You can get all the cuddles you want." She pinched my bum and I yelped with a stupid grin on my face.
"What's wrong with your face, Uncle Arthur?" asked one sprog.
"I think I'm happy, in a miserable, my life is over, kind of way."
"Is this your girlfriend?" asked the other sprog.
"I guess. We met when I made her drop her lasagna, so I invited her for dinner. This is like a tale of a princess meeting a handsome prince and they get married and live happily ever after," I said to the girls.
"You're so lame. That's for babies. I'm gonna buy my own stuff, marry a rock star. Girl power."
"Girl power," they both screamed, then ran out of the room and up the stairs. Judging by the smashing of steps, they'd put heavy boots on before they did so.
"Um, sorry about this," said Penelope. "I hope Arthur doesn't make a habit of bringing women home he says he's going to marry?"
"Nope, I can honestly say," said George, "that this is the first time it's happened. Hi, I'm George, his daughter."
"Hi."
They shook hands before George turned to me and raised both eyebrows, which meant it was very serious.
"What?"
"What do you mean, what? You just said you're going to get married."
"George," I declared, probably looking demented as my grin was hurting my face, "meet your future stepmom. I know, crazy right?"
"Of course it's crazy. What are you taking about? No offense, Penelope was it? But Dad, what are you saying? Vicky told me what happened, I saw her this morning, and she's been here a few hours now, I know what you've been through. You're concussed, exhausted, obviously lost the plot."
"I don't think he's concussed, and Arthur told me about the witches and the graves, all that. I think the exhaustion, the digging maybe, it's opened him up to something new. Plus, we click. Don't ask me why, I don't understand it either, and half of me thinks I'm going crazy, meeting a stranger and, er..." Penelope blushed scarlet and turned to me. "Care to carry on?"
"Oh my God," blurted Vicky. "You've done it. You did it and you just met. You pair of dirty, naughty—"
"It wasn't like that. It isn't like that. Penelope is a citizen, doesn't, or didn't, know anything about our life, about vampires and magic gates and shifters and fae, but I told her, and she believes, sort of."
"You told her about us?" asked Vicky, aghast.
"Yes, I did. I'm sorry, but she's family. She has a right to know."
"You just met her!" Vicky walked up to us, stopped in front of Penelope, and stood on tip-toe to vibe her properly.
"Are you on the level?"
"Yes. Look, I'm more terrified than I've ever been in my life right now. Apparently I was in the city not so long ago, now I'm in Cornwall, in a strange house, with a tiny woman squinting at me strangely and a room full of people who all know each other very well. I met an oddball man and had sex with him in a barn, twice, I might add." I wanted to high-five someone about that, but figured it best not to as I'd be left hanging. "And I honestly don't know what in Buster's name I'm doing. But I can feel it, know this is right, so I want to get to know you. All of you. And you should get to know me. I guess I'm going to be around a lot."
"That... That's... That was the bravest thing I've ever seen or heard," said Vicky, truly impressed.
"It sure was. I would have run a mile," agreed George.
"Coffee?" I asked.
Everyone said yes, and so it was, weird because it already felt utterly normal, a new woman was introduced into our lives.
What the hell was I doing? I didn't know, and most worrying of all, I didn't care. Penelope was normal, can you imagine it? I wondered what the catch was, for there surely was one.
"Right, I'm going to cook Sunday roast. I'm going to make it awesome, even par-boil the potatoes first. And I think I'll make onion gravy and I might even do that special thing I do to the cabbage. And how about parsnips? We could have butter on them, and I think maybe I'll use that new sieve I got. Hey, did you know that Penelope works in Tea Toweled? How awesome is that?"
"Who's he talking to?" asked Penelope.
"He gets like this when he's nervous. Dad will start patting your head soon, so watch out." George winked at Penelope. Damn but she was a great daughter.
"Does he always babble like a total idiot?" asked Penelope, turning to George, her lip trembling with amusement. Was she laughing at me? What was with this woman? She was a dream, she must be. Nobody was this utterly awesome.
"Pretty much, yeah." George shrugged as if saying wasn't it obvious I was an utter fuckwit.
"Usually," agreed Vicky.
"Do not," I said, getting up to begin dinner.
"You do. You say stupid stuff and you pat everyone's head."
"Do not. You do. You... you head patter." I reached out to pat George's head and say something so
ppy like, "You're such a good girl," but I didn't, because everyone was looking at me.
"Idiot," said George.
"Such a tool," said Vicky.
"I think he's lovely," said Penelope. Our eyes locked and we smiled.
Vicky and George groaned.
Making Plans
While everyone got to know each other, and magic and evil and fae and wands and all that stuff were discussed at first hesitantly, then openly once I told Vicky and George that they might as well be honest, let Penelope have it full force and decide what she believed and what she didn't, I pottered about making dinner.
I cannot even begin to describe how mind-bending this situation was for us. Penelope had been thrust headfirst into a completely alien environment full of clearly insane people, but she handled it well. Maybe this was what it was like for citizens? They craved new experiences and jumped at the chance to experience another side of life. I didn't know. My whole life was one peculiar event after the other, but that was normal to me. I knew no citizens, no truly regular people, very well at all.
Once we'd eaten, Penelope insisted on helping clean up. She even told me off for missing a spot on the counter, which made me truly adore her, and she polished the tap and wiped the cupboard handles, which made me gasp in admiration and stand there drooling as she bent to do the bottom drawers. Vicky and George sighed and tutted at my appreciation of someone as obsessive compulsive as myself.
There was an awkwardness after that. Nobody quite knew what to do, what to say, and we'd hardly even discussed what had gone down over the last few days. To be honest, I wasn't even thinking about witches and cauldrons and the like, I was utterly obsessed with Penelope and she was all I could think about or look at.
Vicky retrieved the girls from the den where they were playing, brought them into the kitchen, and told them that they'd have to be up bright and early in the morning as George would take them back to the city.
"I'll do it," I said, "I have to take Penelope back then too."
