by Jules Wake
‘Ah, the jungle drums. I should have foreseen that. Zoe was always very chummy with Elaine. But naughty to spread gossip via her own child.’
‘Naughty? I’d have said grade A bitchy.’
‘Yes, but do you know what, perhaps it’s time that Grace knows how I feel about you.’
I raised my eyes to his. ‘What do you mean?’
‘I think we need to tell her that we want to spend time together. I don’t want to have to sneak around in my own home, worried she might catch me kissing you.’
‘Grace doesn’t want you to have a girlfriend,’ I blurted out. ‘She’s worried it will stop Elaine coming back.’
Nate froze, pulling back, withdrawing his hand and picking up his wine glass. A mixture of denial, regret and sharp consideration crossed his face as he tugged at the knot of his tie with his other hand. The silence between us grew as I waited for him to say something. Anything. Eventually he sighed and looked beyond me into the restaurant before he said heavily, ‘I didn’t know she felt like that. She doesn’t talk about Elaine much. And I guess I’ve avoided talking about Elaine because I feel the weight of her rejection and I’ve been trying to spare Grace that.’
The sadness on his face made me reach forward to take his hand again; I needed the connection. He immediately linked his fingers through mine. ‘One day she’s going to realise.’ His eyes darkened. ‘Realise that Elaine’s job was more important than … than her. That’s too much of a burden for a little girl.’
I squeezed his hand. ‘But she’s got you. Do you know what? The right sort of love makes up for the wrong sort of love.’
He frowned and I realised I hadn’t made much sense.
‘She knows you love her and she’s completely secure in that. She’s not worried that if you get a girlfriend you won’t love her any more. With hindsight, I should have taken that as a big plus yesterday.’
Nate gave me a weak smile.
‘What I’m trying to say is I relate strongly to Grace because I feel a certain amount of empathy. My parents didn’t abandon me but their work always came first. I mean, they love me in their own sort of way and if something happened to me they’d be worried and upset but –’ I smiled at him to show I’d come to terms with it a long time ago ‘– I was an unexpected addition to the family at a time when they were both well established in their academic careers and they were determined that parenthood wouldn’t impact on that.
‘So I really feel for her but one thing she has, that I didn’t, is a parent who does put her first, who does care about her, who does think about what she wants and needs. That’s you. And that makes a huge difference. Having one parent who’s present is better than two that are absent. Believe me.’
‘I’m sorry, Viola, I had no idea.’
‘Don’t even think about it; I never knew any different at the time,’ I lied. I’d always known and it had hurt for a long time, wondering why I wasn’t enough for them. Wondering what more I needed to do to encourage their attention. I gave a sudden laugh. It still tickled me now, the stubbornness that had led to where I was now.
‘That’s how I started playing the viola,’ I told him, my eyes dancing as I pushed back the sad memories. That wasn’t what defined me. ‘At first it was attention-seeking. Most people start playing the violin but no … I had to play the viola because that’s what I was called. Mum and Dad thought that was quite cute and it was a good talking point. Then, because I was quite good, having a child prodigy suited them. I wasn’t really, not at first, but I practised so hard to be the very best so that I’d impress them. I worked hard so that I developed a modicum of talent into real talent.
‘They loved being able to say that I’d got into the Royal College of Music or that I was a finalist in Young Musician of the Year or that I played in the National Youth Orchestra. It looked as if they’d nurtured the talent and that it been born of their own academic prowess.’
‘You sound as if you were quite bloody-minded about it.’
‘I was to start with. Then, after I got to a certain age, I fell in love with music and that filled the hole in my heart. Sorry, that sounds completely melodramatic. But music gave me an outlet, I found a tribe where I belonged, I found something that gave me a sense of self-worth.
‘And we’re not supposed to be talking about me; we should be talking about Grace. I don’t want to hurt her, Nate, but I don’t know what to do.’
‘So what did you say to her?’ Nate’s voice was gentle and his fingers idly grazed the inside of my wrist.
‘What could I say? I didn’t want to tell her anything without talking to you first. I said that I’m friends with you but that I was friends with her too and I’d never do anything to hurt her.’ My face crumpled.
‘How did you leave it?’
‘She couldn’t have made it any plainer. She doesn’t want me to be your girlfriend.’
Nate looked off into the distance again, before returning his gaze to me, thoughtful and assessing. ‘Do you know what? This is all going to die down. If we hadn’t bumped into Zoe De Marco at the weekend, nothing would have been said. It’s just because it’s been a bit intense this weekend. Once we’re back on an even keel, Grace won’t even be thinking about girlfriends. I suspect without Ms De Marco’s helpful comments it wouldn’t have occurred to her.’
I wasn’t so sure about that, but Cassie’s mum had certainly precipitated things.
‘Once I’ve got a nanny sorted for Grace and you’re back in your flat, we can go slowly. Take things one step at a time. See each other and Grace won’t even need to know. We can go on proper dates. Like this. And I can come to your flat. Or take you to a swish hotel for afternoon sex.’
I blushed at his direct look. ‘Who says I’m going to sleep with you?’
‘I don’t think sleep was what I had in mind,’ he teased.
‘One date and you think I’m going to “sleep” with you?’ I asked.
‘If Grace hadn’t interrupted us, I think we’d have come close to christening that sofa on Sunday night.’
I narrowed my eyes at him. ‘A gentleman wouldn’t remind a lady of his almost conquest.’
‘Viola –’ his eyes went dark ‘– you have the most wicked hands I’ve ever come across.’
‘It’s all down to the finger work,’ I said, waggling my fingers, while I gave him a secretive smile.
He lowered his voice, looking at my mouth. ‘You’re a very wicked woman.’ Underneath the table his foot found mine. ‘And I have to go back to work, so please can we change the subject, otherwise I won’t be able to leave this table without shocking the other customers. What news on your plumber?’
‘He texted me this morning. Sorry, the part won’t be in until Wednesday. I can go and stay with my folks if you’ve had enough of me.’
His reproving look said it all. ‘I love coming home in the evening to you and Grace chattering away; the house feels warm and lively. And there’s the bonus of home-cooked food, which I’m going to miss.’
‘You can cook roast chicken and I’ve taught you how to make Yorkshire pudding.’
‘You have … although I’m not sure man can live on roast chicken alone.’
‘He doesn’t have to.’ I shook my head at him. ‘You can cook; you just need to be organised and with the online shopping list that we set up there’s no reason for you not to have everything at hand. Even you can knock up a stir-fry and chicken and chips. That’s two whole meals from one roast chicken. See, you probably don’t need me at all.’
‘Oh, I need you all right. Who else is going to bring sunshine and spontaneity into my life?’
We did talk about some sensible things over the amazing lunch and I updated Nate on the latest progress on the nativity. ‘I saw the backdrop the props team has painted for me before rehearsal this morning; it’s amazing and you should see the manger they’ve made.’
‘With a little help from my friends,’ teased Nate, waving a forkful of pasta at me, which, I ha
d to admit, he’d twirled rather elegantly.
‘Well, as long as Leonie can come up with the goods from the costume store, we’re in business. George stole the show in rehearsals yesterday and … well, I know Grace can do better. And little Sarah who plays Mary has this quivering lip when the innkeeper tells her there’s no room. Honestly, there won’t be a dry eye in the house; she’s a great little actress.’
‘Sounds like you’re feeling much happier about things.’
I nodded, chewing through a piece of very tender beef before saying, ‘Yes, much. I need to get something for the teaching assistant, Jo – she’s been my unsung hero. She’s taught the children the carols and been so quietly supportive.’
When we finished the main course, we declined dessert or coffee as Nate needed to get back to work and I needed to get to school on time to pick up Grace.
‘Thanks for lunch and …’ as I waited for my coat in the lobby of the restaurant.
Nate touched my face. ‘You don’t need to worry about Grace. We’ll handle things together. I know you care about her and that’s what she needs to know and understand. I can’t put the rest of my life on hold … which is what I’ve been doing until now.’
‘Viola! God, it is you.’
I wheeled round at the sound of the familiar voice as a second voice said in one of those low, sultry, I-know-my-voice-just-oozes-sex-and-I’m-going-to-use-it-to-best-advantage-whenever-I-can tones, ‘Nate Williams, how nice to see you.’
‘Ingrid, how are you? It’s been a while. I hear you got married.’
Married. My eyes shot to the man standing beside her. Married. The news hit me with an unwelcome punch.
Of all the people in all the world, my heart hit my boots. I should have guessed he’d move back to Notting Hill.
‘Yes, this is my husband, Paul. Paul Boothroyd. Paul, this is Nate. We used to work together, until he set up on his own. Very successfully. If you’re ever looking for an additional legal brain, you know where to find me.’ I knew that her saccharine smile was completely misplaced by the tightness of Nate’s jaw, a tell that I’d spotted when Zoe De Marco had homed in on him and when Bella was being overbearing. I also remembered him saying that no one from his previous law firm backed him up when he went out on a limb to support his client.
‘Hi Paul –’ Nate put his arm around my shoulders, subtly avoiding shaking Paul’s outstretched hand ‘– this is Viola.’
‘We know each other,’ he said, adding a cocky, well.
‘What are you up to, Vi, still playing in the orchestra?’
Seriously? He thought I’d somehow settled for mediocre obscurity still playing for one of the best opera houses in the world?
‘Still at the beck and call of your family?’
I narrowed my eyes and stared at him as I felt the cold hard stab of outrage. You bastard.
Ingrid gave Paul a quick amused look. ‘Viola – there can’t be too many people with that name,’ she said, her mouth turning down in a peculiar satisfied upside down smile. ‘You must be my predecessor. Thanks for looking after Paul in the interim. I’ve heard a lot about you.’
Yeah, right, like she hadn’t known exactly who I was from the moment Paul mentioned my name.
I don’t normally do bitchy but at the sight of Paul’s smirk – he’d always been a smirker – and with the reassuring stroke of Nate’s hand on my arm, I said with a coolness I was so proud of, ‘Sorry, you have me at a disadvantage. Paul never mentioned you … well, not until I realised he was having an affair.’ Which wasn’t strictly true but I got a hell of a lot of satisfaction out of the direct hit.
I couldn’t swear to it but I thought I heard Nate snort and it was difficult to pinpoint the exact emotion on Ingrid’s face. Let’s just call it displeasure.
‘Well, that was interesting,’ said Nate, tucking the end of my scarf into my coat as we stepped out into the chilly afternoon air. ‘Looks like we have similar taste in people we can’t stand. And I love a woman who can go for the jugular when she needs to. Who needs a Rottweiler?’
‘Oh, God, I let myself down. I shouldn’t have given in to my inner bitch, but she just … urgh! She was so superior and so patronising.’
‘Nothing’s changed.’
‘And I knew she had to be one of the people you talked about when you left your firm that didn’t support you.’
‘Yup and now she’s all over me. Because I’m successful.’ Nate grinned and put his arm around me as we walked round the corner onto Talbot Road. ‘What’s the story with Paul?’
I pulled a childish yeugh face and tried to sound blasé. This was old news. I was all cured. ‘He’s my ex. We lived together for sixteen months. For half of that time, he was having an affair with his ex and then he went back to her. I realise I was probably just a convenient staging post complete with a flat of my own.’ I clenched my fists hard in my pockets and then went and blinked a couple of times. Shit, I thought I’d got a handle on it by now.
‘More to it than that?’ Nate’s astute observation brought a lump to my throat. I nodded rather than risk speaking. I think he must have felt the tension in my body.
‘You don’t have to talk about it.’
I wasn’t going to. I really wasn’t going to but Paul’s silent assassin dig, Still at the beck and call of your family? had unleashed white-hot rage burning under the surface. I was mad and angry and upset and about to boil over if I didn’t let it out.
‘Do you mind if we go down here?’ I nodded towards one of the familiar streets away from the main road, drawn to the greenery of the central park in Powis Square, one of the many green spaces in the area
Nate nodded and we headed down the quiet street flanked by the stark branches of the winter trees.
‘It’s taken me a long time to figure out … what really happened.’ I looked up at him. ‘I haven’t … talked about it to anyone. It’s hard … realising how stupid I was. Taken in.’
‘There are always two sides,’ said Nate gently, stroking a piece of hair back under my woolly hat.
‘You think?’ Nausea gripped my stomach. He wrote the script on this one.
‘When we broke up, he blamed me, said that I always put the demands of my family before him and that I kept dropping everything to run to them.’ I scowled at the memory of his earnest sincerity as he’d laid the blame squarely at my feet.
‘Apparently,’ I said, struggling to keeping my voice calm, ‘he’d turned to his ex-girlfriend for company because I was never there for him. And he was right.’ My voice pitched a little higher. ‘I could see it. He didn’t hold back on the examples.’
My steps faltered and I paused, drawing in a laboured breath. Reacting instantly, Nate pulled me through the opening in the iron railings as if protecting me from public gaze. ‘You don’t have to tell me.’ His gentle smile made me want to cry but I lifted my chin and said with a wan pretence of a smile, ‘I’ve started, so I’ll finish.’
I heaved in another breath, steeling myself to talk again as he led me to a bench overlooking a deserted children’s playground, the swings silent and still. We huddled together, trying to protect each other from the icy wind. ‘In true lawyerly fashion he’d documented every last occasion I’d put him second: the time I went to Bella’s to babysit when he’d been given an official warning at work, the time I went to Sunday lunch with my parents when the ruling in a divorce case went against his client and when I did Tina’s shopping for her when he was in bed with the flu. Chapter and verse, it was as if he’d noted them all down. He probably had. Was it really any wonder he’d gone back to Ingrid for solace?
‘It was all completely my own fault.’
Overhead, the branches creaked as a brief gust of wind tumbled and blew around the park.
Nate’s sympathetic smile as he reached for me ratcheted up my slow-burning fury. ‘Except … it wasn’t!’ I snapped suddenly, making him jump with the violence of my tone, my voice discordant and loud in the serene private space. ‘
I spent months beating myself up about it because everything he said was true, wasn’t it?’
Poor Nate – I must have looked positively wild-eyed. ‘You know what my family is like. You’ve met them.’
He nodded, his movements careful as if he knew I could explode at any second.
‘I tried to justify it. I love them. They’re my family. I enjoy spending time with them. I like helping them.’ I needed to slow my speech down. My words were running into each other.
‘But he made me feel so bad that I’d put them first. God, I was a mess. I felt awful. No wonder he went back to his ex. I’d not really given him a choice.’ My stomach hurt and I had to stop. Nate was looking quite worried now. He must have thought I was mad but seeing Paul had brought it all back and I was just so … so furious I couldn’t stop now.
‘It took me months. Months and months –’ I shook my head as if that might dislodge my stupidity ‘– to realise that he could have come with me at any time. Any time. He was always invited. To Sunday lunches, dinners at my cousins’, family meals out. He never wanted to come.’ I laughed bitterly, looking at the empty playground. ‘Of course he didn’t – they were golden opportunities to sneak off and see her.
‘It took me much longer to realise that he twisted everything. It was him that insisted I go and see my family. Him that said I was letting them down if I didn’t go. And then he’d turn it around. For ages it was like my memories were all foggy because he’d insist I’d got things wrong.’
I whirled around and faced Nate, convinced that by now he must think I was a complete nutter. ‘And do you know what … I’ve just realised he did it deliberately. The bastard said as much just now.’ I clutched my stomach, the pain sharper now as I repeated the words. ‘Still at the beck and call of your family?’ I swayed a little, feeling dizzy. Oh, God, any second now I was going to throw up all over Nate’s shoes.
Nate took a firm grip of my shoulders and forced me to turn towards him. His face was pale and pinched and I saw anger burning in his eyes.
‘Oh, Viola, I’m sorry. What a shit. If I saw him now, I’d punch the git.’
