by Kat Brookes
“You never have to ask my permission to seek comfort in prayer.”
She closed her eyes and said, “Lord, please keep Jackson and me safe as we travel down the road together.” Request made, she opened her eyes and inserted the key he’d given her into the ignition and, with a slight turn, started the engine. Then she took hold of the steering wheel, flexing her fingers tentatively around it, as if trying to gather up her courage to take the wheel fully in hand. “My heart is beating so fast,” she said with a nervous laugh.
“That’s because you’re sitting beside me,” he said with a teasing grin.
She shot him a sidelong glance before shaking her head, a hint of a smile returning to her face. “It’s a wonder no woman has managed to snag you yet.”
Maybe because he hadn’t wanted any other woman. It had always been her. Not that he hadn’t dated here and there. But no one else had been able to compete with the woman who had lodged herself into his heart. And then, after his accident, he’d pretty much stopped dating altogether, placing all of his focus on the family’s rodeo business.
“We’d best get going,” Jackson said. “It might take a while to find the right tree.”
Lainie took a deep breath and then reached for the gearshift, putting it in Drive. Then she pulled slowly away from her brother’s house. By the time they reached the road at the end of the long gravel drive, the tension in her shoulders had visibly lessened, easing some of Jackson’s guilt for pushing her to do something she feared doing.
“It’s been a long time since I’ve sat behind the wheel of a car,” she said. “But even longer since I drove a pickup truck.”
“Probably not much call for them in the city.”
She shook her head as they made their way down the road.
“You okay?” Jackson asked, after an extended silence. He prayed he had done the right thing in pushing Lainie to confront her fears. He’d like to think he would have done the same had he been physically capable of riding a bull again.
“Yes,” she replied. “I can’t explain it, but for some reason I feel safe up here inside this oversize ranch truck.”
He grinned. “I’d like to think some of that has to do with having a big, strong cowboy seated next to you.”
“That, too,” she allowed, her smile widening a little bit farther.
When they pulled up the drive to his place and came to a stop next to his barn, Lainie put the car into Park and then turned to him with a beaming smile. “I did it,” she said, sounding equal amounts shocked and elated.
The corners of Jackson’s mouth hitched. “That’s my girl.”
Their gazes met for a long moment before she looked away, pinning hers on the road ahead. “It’s been so long. I never thought I would be able to get behind the wheel of a car ever again, but sitting in the driver’s seat of this truck, I felt...”
“Strong,” he answered for her. “Like you’re taking back control of your life.”
She nodded, her hazel eyes lifting to meet his searching gaze. “Do you think we could do this again sometime? Maybe try going a little farther?”
“Hmm...I’ll have to think that one over a bit,” he said, pretending to contemplate her question. “Getting you back behind the wheel would mean I would no longer be needed to take you and Lucas here and there. I’m not so sure I’m ready to give that up.”
“I would think you would be relieved,” she told him with a smile.
“You’d be wrong.”
Her smile softened with his admission. “I’m realistic, if anything. I know I have a long way to go before I’m going to be comfortable behind the wheel, but I want my independence back. Want to be the kind of mother Lucas deserves.”
His expression softened even more. “Your son is already blessed to have you for his mother, whether you drive or not. He’s just too young to really appreciate what he has, but that will come. Right now, he’s still working through a lot of pain and grief.”
Reaching over, she covered his hand with hers, giving it a squeeze. “I’ve missed you, Jackson Wade.”
He chuckled. “You see me every day.”
“I’ve missed having you in my life,” she admitted with a soft smile. “If I could turn back time...”
“I’ve missed you, too.” More than she would ever know. “And if there was a way to change the past, I would. At least, to where we parted on better terms.” Withdrawing his hand before he confessed feelings better off kept tucked safely away, he opened his door. “And just so you know, what you did today took courage. Proud of you, Lainie Girl. Now, let’s go find you a tree.”
They stepped out of the truck, Jackson collecting the bow saw and a tarp, along with some rope to bind the tree for their return trip. Then they set off together around the side of Jackson’s house and across the backyard toward the expanse of pines and other trees that lined it. A light dusting of freshly fallen snow coated the ground and trees, sparkling under the afternoon sun.
“Tell me when you see a tree you like,” he told Lainie.
“I don’t know how I’m ever going to decide,” she said, her gaze sweeping the scattering of pines around them. “There are so many to choose from.”
“I think we need a really big one,” he suggested. “One with really wide, full limbs.”
“Justin would just love that, I’m sure,” she said with a playful roll of her eyes.
“Exactly,” he agreed. “It’ll make up for all the years he’s gone without a tree.”
She laughed. “Are you trying to get me evicted from my temporary home?”
He pushed aside a tree branch that was blocking their way, allowing Lainie to pass through before following close behind her. “Not a chance of that happening. Your brother loves you.” I love you.
Jackson nearly tripped over his own two feet with that realization, his bad leg requiring a bit more effort to right himself.
Lainie turned with a soft gasp, her hand reaching out to steady him, to keep him from taking a nosedive across the pine needle–strewn ground below. “I’ve got you.”
I’ve got you. Her words had embarrassment spiking heat to his cheeks. Her instinctual reaction to his stumble was a reminder of how Lainie and others saw him now—no longer the fully capable man he’d once been. His physical imperfection set him apart from the other men he knew. And it would never change.
Just as his feelings for her wouldn’t. He loved Lainie. Not the love of friends who had grown up together like siblings, but a deep, heart-swelling kind of love that could only lead to more complications for her if he were to act upon those carefully restrained feelings. Lainie deserved the best, and, as far as Jackson was concerned, he was no longer eligible for the list of men who were best for Lainie. He was lame and scarred, and no longer the rodeo cowboy she had once been so starry-eyed over. Even something as simple as racing each other across the pastures on foot as they once had done was impossible. Now, for him to do so would cause him more than a fair amount of discomfort. Lainie deserved a man who could run and laugh with her. He wasn’t that man.
He eased free of her grip. “I’m fine,” he muttered.
“Jackson, I...”
“Let’s find that tree,” he said, moving on. Only now he was more conscious of his awkward gait than ever before.
Lainie hurried to catch up with him. “I’m sorry. I never meant to—”
He stopped abruptly, causing her apology to falter. Turning to face her, he said sharply, “Let’s get the elephant out of the room.” His gaze swept about their surroundings. “Or in our case, the woods.” He looked down into Lainie’s eyes. “I’ve got a bum leg. No changing that. But I’m still capable of righting myself after a minor off-step. I don’t need your help or anyone else’s to stand on my own two feet.”
Hurt filled her hazel eyes. “Of course, you don’t,” she replied. “I just reacted t
he way I would have for anyone I thought was about to fall. It had nothing to do with your leg.”
He realized the truth in her words. Lainie would help anyone in need. Except for herself. That’s what he was supposed to do—be the person for her to lean on. How was she supposed to trust him to be that for her when he refused to allow her to do the same for him? Lord, please help me to set aside my pride to accept the things I can’t change.
“Lainie,” he said, taking her hands in his, “I’m the one who’s sorry. Sometimes my pride gets the better of me. I shouldn’t have taken my frustration out on you.” His gaze lifted from their joined hands to her eyes. “I tripped. Anyone would have reacted the way you did. I would have done the same thing, whether it was you or one of my brothers.” He smiled. “Even if it were old Mrs. Wilkins, who smells like a perfume factory. And I can tell you from experience that anyone who so much as even sits next to her ends up smelling like one, too.”
A tiny smile pulled at her lips, easing some of Jackson’s guilt. “In church?” she asked, a hint of humor now lighting her hazel eyes.
He nodded. “Yep. She’s a sweet old woman, but I have to say that was the longest sermon I ever sat through. My eyes were watering like crazy, and I found myself fighting to hold back the sneeze of all sneezes. My determination won out and I made it to my truck before launching into a fit of achoos.”
Lainie giggled and it was as if the sun had suddenly pushed aside the dull gray clouds that filled the winter sky. “I remember sitting by her a few times growing up. I seem to recall her being partial to lavender- and gardenia-based perfumes.”
“Your memory serves you well,” he said with a nod. “Now, am I forgiven?”
* * *
Lainie smiled up at Jackson, taking in his handsome face, slightly pinkened from the cold, the icy flakes of snow clinging to his deep chestnut hair. He was so much more than the boy she had fallen in love with all those years ago. He was taller, broader, prouder. More handsome than any man had a right to be. And his heart was as large and giving as the land around them.
As much as she tried to fight it since coming to Bent Creek, she seemed to be doing a backslide into the past. She was falling for Jackson all over again. No, not over again. She had never fully stopped loving him, if she was honest with herself. But she wouldn’t jeopardize their newly rekindled friendship by giving in to her heart’s desire. “You’re forgiven.”
The worry creases at the edges of his eyes eased as he stood looking down at her. “I’m glad. I don’t ever want to be at odds with you ever again. Our friendship is way too important to me.”
“To me as well,” she said softly, her heart yearning for so much more.
He shifted the bow saw to his other hand. “Best get back to our tree hunt before you turn into a walking, talking icicle. It’s cold out here.”
“That won’t be a problem,” she told him. “Our hunt is over.”
Confusion lit his gaze. “I thought I was forgiven.”
“You are.” The smile on her face broadened. “Our hunt is over, because I think I found our Christmas tree.”
His brows lifted. “You did?”
She pointed past him to an impressive Norway spruce that stood well over six feet in height and had full, nearly perfect branches. Then she looked to Jackson. “Do you think it’s too big for the living room?”
He walked over to it to size it up. “It’s tall, but I think you’ll have a little room to spare as far as the ceiling is concerned.” He circled the tree. “Nice shape to it.” She watched as he ran a branch through his enclosed hand to make certain the needles held firm. Then he gave a nod of approval. “Good choice.”
“I’m not so sure it is now that I see how big this tree is when you’re standing next to it.”
He glanced up at the tree’s pointed tip and then back at Lainie. “It’s a big one. I’ll give you that. But it’s also meant to be a Christmas tree. They’re supposed to be tall. That way, everyone can look up to admire the star perched atop it.”
“I never thought of it that way, but you’re right. Nothing warms a heart and brings on a feeling of inner peace more than when you’re looking up at a lit Christmas tree, its star shining ever-so-brightly overhead.”
“Just to clarify before I start cutting,” he said. “This is definitely the one, right?”
“Yes,” she said, excitement lacing her tone.
“Okay,” he said with a nod as he pulled his leather work gloves from his coat pockets and slid them on. He glanced her way. “After I trim away some of the bottom branches to give us a base for the tree stand, I’ll need you to help support the tree while I cut through its trunk.”
“Okay,” she said, reaching out to take hold of one of the thicker lower branches. She’d helped her dad and brother many a holiday as they cut down their chosen Christmas tree. The first time they’d gone tree hunting with her family, she’d cried, not wanting to cut down the beautiful pine they’d chosen. Then her father explained that it wasn’t a bad thing. Thinning wooded areas helped the remaining trees grow stronger, as they constantly had to compete for soil and sunlight. It also allowed for the growth of more plants along the ground floor, offering more food and shelter to the wildlife. One thing Lainie loved more than the trees when she was little were the animals that made the woods their home.
Jackson knelt at the base of the tree and began to remove its lowest branches. Once he had them cleared away, he said, “I’ll cut as low to the ground as possible.”
“To better the chance of the remaining trunk resprouting and forming another future Christmas tree,” she said knowingly. So much of her past that she had set aside was coming back to her now. Like how incredibly soothing it was to be surrounded by God’s beautiful land, with its wide, open skies and tall, thick trees. And then there were the memory-prodding scents of pine and earth. A soft, contented sigh passed her lips.
Jackson shifted to grin up at her, past the bushy branches. “You can take the country girl out of the city, but she’s always going to be a country girl at heart.” Then he disappeared under the bushy bottom branches and began sawing into the spruce’s thick trunk.
Once the final cut was made, Jackson stood and took hold of the tree, relieving Lainie of her duty. “That didn’t take long.” Stepping back, she brushed a few stray spruce needles from the sleeve of her jacket.
“I’ve had a lot of years to practice,” he said with a grin. He gave the tree a firm shake to free it of any bugs or spiders that might have taken up residence in its branches for the winter months and then had Lainie open the tarp that they had brought along with them.
Twenty minutes later, they had the tree loaded and Lainie was driving them back to her brother’s house. That was her idea. While she wasn’t completely comfortable yet, she had to believe it would be more so in time. Prayed it would. After pulling up to the house, she and Jackson carried the bundled-up spruce into Justin’s house. “I wish Lucas could have gone with us,” Lainie said with a sigh.
“Maybe next year he’ll join us,” Jackson said as they navigated their way into the living room.
Next year. She liked the thought of Jackson being a part of her future holidays. Even if it were only as a friend.
Needing a moment to herself, she said, “I’ll run up to the attic and grab Mom and Dad’s old Christmas tree stand.” Made specifically for real trees, it contained a large water reservoir.
“I’ll disassemble the old tree, or what there is of it, and then get the tarp off this one while you’re doing that.”
“Sounds like a plan.” Turning away, she hurried up the stairs and then up into the attic, where she sat down against the wall and closed her eyes in silent prayer. Dear Lord, please give me the strength to keep Jackson safe from my love. And then she added a prayer for her son. I pray You will help Lucas navigate another holiday and the pain it brings him now that his
father is gone. Amen.
“Lainie?”
Her head popped up at the sound of Jackson’s voice. She scrambled to her feet. “I’ll be down in a moment,” she called back as she hurried over to the old tree stand.
The attic stairs creaked as Jackson joined her. “I didn’t know if you needed help bringing anything else down.”
She’d already carried the boxes of ornaments downstairs. Looking around, her gaze came to rest on another container that had evidently seen a lot of Christmases. “Can you grab that one?” she said, pointing to it. “The tree lights are in there, along with the star. Although I’m not sure if they even work anymore.”
“I guess we’ll find out,” he said, ducking his head to avoid hitting the low-hanging ceiling as he crossed the room. He lifted the heavy box with ease and then turned. “After you.”
Heavy metal tree stand in hand, she made her way downstairs. She went to get a pitcher of water while Jackson secured the tree she’d chosen in the stand. When Lainie returned, she paused in the doorway to admire the Norway spruce standing tall and proud in the far corner of the room. “Couldn’t be more perfect,” she said in admiration of her chosen tree. But it had been more than choosing a pine tree for the Christmas holiday that had been perfect. It had been facing her fear of getting behind the wheel of a car again. It had been spending time with Jackson and feeling some of that closeness they had once shared. It had been taking back some of the pieces of herself that had been lost for so many years.
Jackson paused in the midst of stringing the Christmas lights to glance her way with a grin. “Not always. But I try.”
Laughter spilled from her lips as she crossed the room to join him. “I was referring to the tree,” she said as she bent to fill the reservoir with water. “But you do come in a close second when it comes to being perfect.”
Silence followed.
Lainie straightened and turned to face Jackson. His gaze was fixed on his bad leg. His playful grin had slipped a notch. Reaching up, she cupped his cheek. “You are perfect,” she said, refusing to allow his insecurity when it came to his leg to take away from the incredible man he was.
