by Alisa Kaplan
It took me a minute to regain my composure. I didn’t think I was going to be able to go through it at all. But as I calmed down, I was struck by how many of those words and phrases still had relevance and resonance for me. I picked the tattered papers out of the box, one by one, making a makeshift collage on the ground at my feet.
Fearless.
When I saw that one, I nodded. I’d thought I’d known what fearlessness was when I’d pasted that to the wall, but I’d had no idea. Fear had fueled my desperate need to be popular in high school, at whatever cost; in retrospect, I could see that clearly. In the painful years after high school, too, there had been lot of occasions when my fear (and all the guilt and shame that went along with it) had almost completely consumed me.
That wasn’t true anymore. I couldn’t say, sitting in that attic, that I’d completely conquered fear, but it wasn’t the driving engine of my life, as it had been for so long. I no longer looked to impress other people; the only being I cared about impressing was God.
The next fragment I picked out of that box was Alive.
That word gave me pause. Dying had only been an idea to me in high school. Doesn’t every teenager think they’ll live forever? I’d had no idea when I put that word on my wall how close I would come to losing my life—first on that pool table, and later with abusive men and the drugs I’d use to knock myself out. Even after I was clean and out of those abusive relationships, I’d spent another few years living a shadow life, circling around the emptiness at the center of my life. I’d been physically safe, maybe, but merely going through the motions. I couldn’t really say I’d been alive.
Sitting back on my heels in the attic, I took a minute to thank God for my life—both for saving my life and for the fact that I hadn’t died—and for helping me to find a sense of deep and important meaning, the kind that will animate and fill the rest of my days.
I reached back into the box.
Light up.
That phrase spoke to me, too. I remembered what I was thinking when I first glued it to the wall: I was dreaming about being the kind of girl whose brilliant sparkle and charisma can’t help but catch every eye in the room. There were a lot of years of darkness after I’d put those words on my wall, years when I hadn’t sparkled at all. But with God’s help, I’d been able to throw open the curtains to let the light in. When it came, it wasn’t the shallow, twinkly glitter I’d thought I wanted way back then, but a rich, warm, nourishing, energy-giving glow. And now it flooded every corner of my soul.
Again, I thanked God.
Then I came upon a phrase I hadn’t remembered pasting on the wall at all: Time to Grow.
When I saw that one, all by myself in the attic, I laughed out loud.
Time to Grow? No kidding.
Sifting through the rest of the shreds of paper in that box, I felt a lot of tenderness for the hopeful young girl who’d knelt on her bed with a handful of magazine clippings and a glue stick. I was also able, at long last, to feel a lot of pride for the woman I’ve become. The words in the box were all the proof I needed that I hadn’t lost the dreams I’d set out for myself. I was living them! True, I didn’t find that dream where I thought I would, through the friends whose faces graced the wall next to those words, or through being popular, or by landing a big journalism job in New York. My path toward those dreams had not been the one I thought I would take. But neither could I have imagined how much more wonderful, how much more fulfilling and rich and deep, it would be to achieve them.
My blessings surround me. I live about a mile and a half away from my parents, who stuck with me every step of the way and never stopped loving me. I have my own home, which is beautiful and safe. I have a good job, in a happy and supportive environment, and a place of faith. I am working toward my goal of becoming a victims’ rights advocate at school. I’m grateful every single day for my good friends, for nature, and for my beautiful, sweet, loving dog.
I know that God blessed me with the ability to fight back and to prosecute my perpetrators. A lot of women don’t have that because of shame, because they’re afraid of retaliation, because nobody believes them, because there’s no evidence. I take satisfaction in knowing that I testified and that my courage to do so resulted in imprisonment for the men who sexually assaulted me. I take satisfaction in the fact that they will have to register as sex offenders for the rest of their lives. In any case, I am happy to hand the ultimate responsibility for their justice over to God, while I work toward forgiving them.
I’m grateful, too, for the ability to tell my story. Whether I’m using it to help a young woman as I hold her hand in the emergency room, hours after her own sexual assault, or telling it to a room full of police officers so that they know a little better what to say and do when they’re confronted with that woman, I’m blessed to be able to speak my truth, to see it resonate with people, and help them.
I won’t lie. There are good days, and there are bad days, and sometimes the bad days are pretty bad. The bad days are the days I know that I need to dive deeper into my relationship with God, the days I have to pray even harder. I know He’s always there, holding my hand, but on those days, I have to ask to feel Him.
And He always makes sure that I do.
Acknowledgments
Where do I even begin when so many people have helped and supported me along my journey?
I must begin with God, because without Him and His redemption I would be nothing. Thank you, God, for always being my Savior, my life, my strength, my Redeemer, my grace, my forgiver, my freedom, my faith, my everything. I will always “wait on God.”
To my other two biggest supporters, Mommy and Daddy: I cannot thank you both enough. Mommy, thank you for being my rock and keeping me strong. You have shown me what compassion and devotion truly are. Thank you for never letting me give up on God and for holding my hand until I was able to find Him and see that He had been holding my hand all along. Daddy, your heart is bigger than anybody’s I will ever know, and it was you and your love that kept me alive and got me through the darkest times of my life. I’m blessed to be just like you, Daddy. Thank you, Mommy and Daddy, for never giving up on me even when I was ready to give up on myself. You both have taught me what unconditional love and support truly are. I love you both more than words could ever explain.
To my brother, Jaime: Thank you for not letting my past define the relationship that we have now. You are my big brother, and I will always look up to you. I love you.
To Grandma Kaplan: You have always believed in me and been by my side. I cannot thank you enough for the love and support you have always shown me, from being present at the trials and sentencing to being there to hear me speak at the march and rally. I love you with all my heart, Grandma.
And to Aunt Kathy: I owe my new life not only to God but also to you, because you were the one who knew the retreat was what I needed to change my life, and then Mommy made sure that I got there. Your dedication to helping me find God and a new life made all of this possible and allowed me to become the woman I am today. I will be forever grateful. I love you very, very much.
I would also like to send my deepest thanks and dearest regards to the following people.
Laura Tucker, thank you for all the long hours of listening to me babble on and on, and for being able to capture my voice in a way I never thought would be possible. This book would have never been a reality if it wasn’t for you. I am forever grateful to you for the years you have dedicated your time, energy, passion, and commitment to this book. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
Beka, you have remained the only true and constant friend in my life from the very beginning until now, and I know that you will remain constant in my life until the very end. You have shown me what a true friend really is. You kept me from completely losing hope in friendships. I can’t thank you enough. I love you.
Katie, thank you for all those nights that you reminded me that I am worth something and I am loved and lovable. You k
eep me focused on what is right and you understand me like no one else. Thank you for being my best friend. I love you, Boo.
Matt, thank you for the many times you listened and never judged me. Your continuous support over the years has been a blessing. Thank you for always being there with open arms and an open heart. I love you.
Shirley “GG,” thank you for never giving up on me and fighting for me when I couldn’t fight for myself. You are my pillar of strength, my inspiration, my mentor. Thank you for never letting me give up on myself and for always reminding me of my true self-worth. I’m blessed to have you be such a big part of my life. I love you with all my heart, GG.
Tiare, you have been my angel and my guiding light since the moment I met you in front of the hospital. Thank you for giving me peace and comfort during my most fearful times. It was that peace you showed me that helped inspire me to be the advocate I am today.
Susan Schroeder, thank you for fighting for me and for always doing what is right and never giving up. You are such a strong woman. I admire you and look up to you. I can’t thank you enough for making this book happen because without you this would’ve never come to life. I love you.
Chuck Middleton, thank you for seeing me as a human being and not just another Jane Doe. Your passion, not only for me but for my case, is the reason we won. Your fight allowed me to get the justice I deserved. I will be forever grateful to you.
Tony Rackauckas, thank you for standing strong with me and all other women to make sure justice was done and time was served.
Scott Moxley, you stood up and fought for me in a way others were unable to. Your writing gave me a voice sometimes when I was unable to have one. I am eternally grateful for your unwavering support and belief in me.
Larry Welborn and Dave Lopez, thank you both for your continual support from the very beginning.
Brandi Bowles, thank you very much for all your time and commitment to me and this book. You put all the pieces together and made everything fall into place. Without your hard work this never could have happened. Thank you!
Jana Burson, your passion, enthusiasm, and drive for this project are the reasons it was able to come to light. I can’t thank you enough for believing in me and my story.
JuLee Brand, thank you for making the cover come to life. Your vision was perfect and I am grateful “Grandpa Dean” was able to capture it. You are wonderful to work with, and I thank you for your commitment.
Jon Moonves, thank you for believing in me enough to help me get past my fears about writing a book. Without you guiding me through each step and getting me connected, this journey would have never taken place.
Laura Wheeler, Chelsea Apple, Louise Sommers, Shanon Stowe, and everyone else at Hachette and FaithWords who made this book possible, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Everyone’s passion and dedication to my story were more than I could have ever asked for. Thank you for making what was once only a dream a reality.
To all others who have helped me and supported me along my journey, my heart is forever filled with gratefulness and love for you all. Thank you always.
Resources
If you have been sexually assaulted, please know that you are not alone, and that help is available.
RAINN (Rape, Abuse and Incest
National Network)
1220 L Street, NW
Suite 505
Washington, DC 20005
202-544-3064
RAINN.org
RAINN is the country’s largest anti–sexual violence organization. Their website is rich with resources and information on surviving sexual assault.
National Sexual Assault Hotline
800-656-HOPE (4673)
https://ohl.rainn.org/online
This confidential hotline is run by RAINN. Although it’s a national hotline, the person at the other end works at a rape crisis center in your area and can give you information about counseling, community resources, and a variety of other questions. Because the calls are answered locally, the information you’ll get will be tailored to the laws and protocol in your state.
The Joyful Heart Foundation
212-475-2026 (New York); 808-531-3520 (Honolulu)
joyfulheartfoundation.org
The actor Mariska Hargitay (Law and Order: SVU) runs a foundation with a number of amazing resources. Her vision is of “a community with no sexual assault, domestic violence and child abuse.” The foundation’s mission is “to heal, educate and empower survivors of sexual assault, domestic violence and child abuse, and to shed light into the darkness that surrounds these issues.”
The foundation provides resources for survivors as well as their caretakers and educators.
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Contents
Cover
Title Page
Welcome
Dedication
Author’s Note
Epigraph
Introduction
Chapter One: They Wouldn’t Do That to You
Chapter Two: A Series of Shocks
Chapter Three: Harassed
Chapter Four: Chasing Oblivion
Chapter Five: Hung Out to Dry
Chapter Six: It Leaves a Hole
Chapter Seven: A Way Out
Chapter Eight: Fake It Till You Make It
Chapter Nine: A False Start
Chapter Ten: Praise You in the Storm
Chapter Eleven: I Will Bring You Back
Chapter Twelve: Transforming the Road
Chapter Thirteen: Speaking Out
Chapter Fourteen: Struggling Toward Forgiveness
Chapter Fifteen: A Final Step
Chapter Sixteen: There Is an “After”
Conclusion: Time to Grow
Acknowledgments
Resources
Newsletters
Copyright
Copyright © 2015 by Alisa Kaplan
Cover design by JuLee Brand; cover photograph by Dean Dixon Photography
Cover copyright © 2014 by Hachette Book Group, Inc.
All rights reserved. In accordance with the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, the scanning, uploading, and electronic sharing of any part of this book without the permission of the publisher constitute unlawful piracy and theft of the author’s intellectual property. If you would like to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), prior written permission must be obtained by contacting the publisher at [email protected]. Thank you for your support of the author’s rights.
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First ebook edition: April 2015
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ISBN 978-1-4555-5382-2
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