~*~
knock-knock-knock
I looked over at the clock. 4:00. I hadn't slept a single minute of it. Each moment had been spent thinking back to all the reports and online surveillance to try and figure out where I'd gone wrong. What did I miss? had been the most prevalent. The knock sounded again, so I sat up and kicked my legs over the side of the cot, pushing myself to my feet and adjusting the waistband of my sweatpants as I ambled for the door of Janine's room. She grumbled and mumbled, rolling over in her bed as I opened the door to reveal Ahndra 'Fujin' Kelley in her SeeD uniform, hands tightly clasped behind her back.
I blinked. "Yes, ma'am?" I asked quietly.
She motioned inside, expression guarded. "A moment?"
I stepped back. "Oh. Of course."
Ahndra stepped inside, moving to stand in the center of the small room with her hands again clenched behind her back. I closed the door and found myself leaning slightly against it before forcing my hand to release the doorknob and turn. I forced a smile and motioned to the desk chair. She shook her head, so I sat instead. I didn't know how to ask what she wanted, too afraid that something would slip letting her know Janine had told me what happened. Too afraid, also, that I would start crying and quit the security team. So, I lowered my gaze and only remained quiet.
"I summoned her."
I looked up, unprepared for a confession/admittance of a 'need-to-know' security detail that Seifer didn't think I needed to know. "...what?" I whispered.
Ahndra held my gaze with a determination different from what I'd seen on her face before. "On the mission to Winhill," she embellished slightly. But then she pressed her lips together and frowned.
I shook my head. "You don't need to tell me, ma'am."
"Seifer gave permission."
I blinked. I hadn't expected her to get permission to tell me anything.
Ahndra pressed her lips together tighter and then adjusted her stance, crossing her arms across her chest. "Marshal Beita and I were previously involved; before I enrolled in Garden. Before his sister's murder. That involvement was severed when a beating required enrollment into the hospital. The mission to Winhill revived those memories and that previous attachment. When I was... When Marshal was detained and beaten, Asura appeared. Everyone but Marshal, myself, and one other died."
"Why... Why are you telling me this, ma'am?"
"Because her coming saved lives, so you should not blame yourself," she told me, voice calm and regulated even as her expression was intense. "I summoned her also to save lives, perhaps not consciously, but my hate and my rage--She killed, but because rage and revenge was in my heart, feeding her own desire. You summoned her to protect. She did so."
She's trying to make me feel better? I could feel the tears come, so I quickly lowered my gaze.
Then Ahndra stepped forward and rested a hand on my shoulder. I blinked back more tears and didn't look up. "There's no blame. Asura wants justice for the innocents. Garden wants the same. As long as this is true, there is no blame and there is no fear."
I wordlessly nodded. Ahndra tightly gripped my shoulder and then moved past to exit the room, closing the door softly behind her. I stared at the closed door for a long time, letting the tears silently run down my face. It hadn't mattered to her that I made a mistake. It hadn’t mattered to her that... that I had missed something. I lowered my gaze to my hands as they fisted my grey sweats. For the first time, ever, I felt truly accepted.
Workings of a Happily Ever After, The Page 15
