by Cory Mccoy
My days had become consumed with Connor's recovery. Most nights I slept in his hospital bed with him. He was lonely and desperately wanted to get outside. He took the news badly when Johann explained that he didn't have enough muscle function in his back to even sit up in the wheel chair yet. Of course, to Connor this meant pushing himself like a mad man, refusing to accept what he perceived as a loss.
I didn't have as much time to write anymore, but I gladly accepted my burden. For the first time in our relationship, he was dependent upon me for more than just his emotional needs. It sounds selfish, but you have to know that Connor is a very hard-headed person and if he ever makes himself vulnerable to you, it's because he's practically begging for your help. Weakness doesn't come easy to him.
“Come on, it's fine” I heard from outside of Connor's room, one morning as we laid in his bed talking. It sounded like Jesse.
“I'm scared” whimpered a feminine voice.
“Of what?” Jesse asked flustered.
“I don't know,” JoAnne pouted, “I just am. Don't be mean to me.”
“He's going to like you, I promise.” Jesse said opening the door. JoAnne had positioned herself behind him like he was a human shield. All you could see was part of her face under his arm and her hands right above his hips.
“Hey babe,” Connor asked “Why is there someone sneaking up behind Jesse?”
“Heck if I know,” I teased, “Probably just someone trying to assassinate you.”
“Liz!” She squealed popping her head up, her face red. “Stop it, you guys are picking on me.”
“Well,” Connor said, “You are trying to hide from a cripple. I doubt I could catch you if I tried.”
“She is pretty fast,” Jesse said, practically having to drag her into the room. “Connor, this is JoAnne, Jeanine's grand daughter.”
“So this is your girlfriend, huh?” Connor asked, sufficiently embarrassing them.
“Well, uh, umm” He stammered.
“Yes,” JoAnne said, ribbing him.
“Good job, kid.” Connor told Jesse.
“Oh thanks,” JoAnne said doing a little curtsey.
“It's ok to ask questions,” Connor said, seeing her looking at the scars on his uncovered upper torso.
“I'm sorry, that's so rude of me.” she said sheepishly
“I got in a fight with a bear,” He told her, “You should see the bear. He won't be putting out forest fires anytime soon.”
“You're lying.” She said grinning, unsure if he actually was.
“Go ahead, ask him.” I said getting up, “Men love to talk about their bad ass scars.”
“Hey where are you going?” Connor asked.
“I'm gonna run over to Jeanine's and get some coffee, it's probably still hot.”
“I want some,” he said
“Well too bad, you get juice.”
“Jesse.” he said, as I walked out of the room.
“Yeah?”
“Go get me some coffee.”
“No, Liz would kill me.” he replied, probably backing out of arm's reach.
“Damnit,” he grumbled.
When I returned Connor was laughing so hard he had started coughing. JoAnne looked mortified, like she was going to cry and Jesse was doing his best not to laugh.
“What did I miss?” I asked.
“I tell her she can ask me anything.” He said between coughs, “And she asks me what the hell this thing is.”
“Your chest?” I asked confused
“No, the electrodes,” He said, “She wants to know what they do.”
“It was kind of funny,” Jesse said.
“Don't worry about him JoAnne,” I said handing him a bottle of juice. “I think he's brain damaged from getting hit in the head so much.”
“She's right,” He said still laughing, but coughing less now “I have no idea what this is though, maybe I’m a cyborg now and this is my power outlet.”
“What's a cyb-”
“Honey, don't” I said giving her a knowing look.
“You guys better stop making fun of me,” she said crossing her arms.
“It just means he likes you,” I told her, “if he didn't he'd be growling at you and trying to glare out of his good eye.”
“Like an angry pirate?” she quipped.
“Exactly”
“Dude!” Jesse exclaimed, “We should get you like a hook or a sword to go on your hand if it doesn't work anymore.”
“A chainsaw would be perfect.” He said making chopping motions.
“Actually,” I said just remembering a prior conversation, “Johann said that his partner-”
“My Papa Thomas?” JoAnne asked
“I think so,” I continued “he said that he had invested in a lot of medical research companies, one of which makes some kind of advanced partial prostheses for people who only have partial limb control.”
“Eh?” Connor grunted, unsure of what I was talking about.
“He said it's like a sleeve,” I said trying to describe the thing. “You put it on kind of like those gun holsters you have and it has computer chip that responds to small movements and helps you move that arm or whatever.”
“Oh, so I really am gonna be a Cyborg?” He said before adding to JoAnne “It's a half man, half robot.”
“Wow,” Jesse said staring off into space, “You could be like superman with that.”
“Batman's cooler, he talks all scary, “I'm batman””. JoAnne said doing a horrible imitation.
“Well, I guess when the time comes we'll have to look into it.” Connor said pensively, I could tell that he'd much rather have full control on his own.
“It's in Seattle,” I told him. “Johann said they could fit you before they do the surgery on your back and eye.”
“I think it would be better to wait until after.” He said, “Just in case.”
“Jesse,” he said a few moments later “How would you feel about spending the summer in New York after I have my surgery? You can come too, JoAnne.”
“Connor are you serious?” I asked
“Yeah, if they want to come.”
“But what about Seattle? What about the war?” Jesse asked, unsure of what Connor was getting at.
“As soon as we leave here, my war is over.” He said.
“You're just going to give up, after coming this far?” Jesse asked, starting to become angry.
“No, Jesse. No, I’m not giving up, but the days of me fighting are over.” he said collectedly “Look at me. I can't even walk. I can't see out of one eye and I can't use my right arm. How am I going to fight like that?”
“What about the resistance?” Jesse demanded, his voice cracking “What about the General?”
“Jesse,” he said “the General is just a voice on the radio. I can make recordings from anywhere, I don't have to be on the battlefield to accomplish that.”
“What about me? What am I supposed to do now?” he asked, his world coming crashing down around him. “You won't need me anymore.”
“Jesse,” He told “I'm offering you, both of you, a chance at a real life. Something that I can't have anymore. Someday, you're going to want to have kids, get married, go to the movies without worrying about being attacked. You can have a normal life without ending up like me.”
“I've always wanted to go to Columbia,” JoAnne said squeezing his hand. “You could go there too.”
“I'm not going to college,” he said indignantly, “I'll join the marines and I’ll fight back.”
“Give him some time.” I told JoAnne as he stormed out, leaving her looking crushed.
“I don't want him to get hurt.” She cried, “I’m scared, I’m so scared all the time.”
“We all are.” He told her, “and that's ok, you'd be stupid not to be. Jesse's angry right now, he'll calm down. He's seen what fighting back looks like, it isn't glorified. He
'll come around eventually, he doesn't want to end up like me. We just have to give him room to breathe.”
“I don't want him to kill people anymore.” She whimpered. “they'll come after him too someday.”
“I promise you,” he said, “Jesse doesn't want to kill people either. Every life you take feels like a piece of your own soul dieing. Like a rock slowly being chipped away until there's nothing left.”
“How do you deal with it?” She asked looking up, her makeup starting to run.
“I'm not so sure that I do,” he said “every time I fall asleep, those nightmares are waiting for me. I killed these men and in return, they've taken my life from me. I know that I did what I had to in order to protect everyone else, but that doesn't make it easier. Jesse knows that too, he doesn't want that. With time, maybe our souls will begin to heal their-selves, but not until we stop fighting.'
“Your like a fortune cookie,” She said smiling, wiping away the tears. “Jesse said you were the smartest person he's ever met.”
“I see how it is,” I said snarkily.
“Why don't you go find him.” Connor told JoAnne.
“Ok,” She said, “It was nice to meet you.”
“You too, kid.”
“Connor,” I asked, after she had left. “Did you mean it, that you're done?”
“I hope so, God Liz, I hope so.” He said patting the bed to tell me to sit down. “Although, I've got a feeling that even if I want to walk away, this war won't let me.”
“Well,” I said snuggling up to his chest, “You can be like those old fat cops and run things from behind a desk.”
“That's the plan. Well without all the donuts anyways” he said.
“Maybe we can have some kids of our own soon.” I said hopefully.
“I'm not even sure that still works.” He said half seriously.
“Let's find out,” I said walking across the room to lock the door.
Chapter 25
