by Emma Curtis
‘They have to look closer at Anna.’
‘They will. They should be able to question her soon. If there is a link between the attack on her and Nick’s disappearance, they’ll find it.’
‘Let’s hope so,’ I say, sincerely. ‘I don’t know how much more of this I can take.’
She pats my arm lightly. ‘You’ll be OK. You’re tougher than you think.’
ANNA
Tuesday, 15 May 2018
ANNA CLIMBED OUT OF THE UBER AND CROSSED THE pavement to her front door, grabbing at the wall to steady herself. She half expected to find the police waiting for her, but there was no one there. She wobbled as she struggled to find her keys.
The policeman who had stood guard outside her ward had left his post, so she had quietly dressed amid the snores and rustlings of her fellow patients and left too. At four o’clock it had been quiet. The nurse on Reception had looked up from her phone and questioned her, but Anna kept walking, shoving through the swing doors and running down the stairs. At one point a wave of dizziness left her slumped against the wall, but she made herself keep going, listening for steps ringing out behind her, doors slamming, alarms sounding. But there was nothing. It was a hospital, not a prison. What could anyone do? She was a free agent.
Douglas was waiting for her as he’d promised to be when she’d texted him earlier, but she still got a fright when she opened her door and found him standing in the dark. He must have been listening for the car. She fell into his arms. He pushed the door shut with his free hand and took her bag from her.
‘Have you said anything to the police yet?’ he asked.
‘They questioned me yesterday. I said I couldn’t remember anything. They said they’d be back this morning.’
She caught him looking at her critically and touched her shaved head. The stubble pricked her fingertips. She winced, realizing how awful she must look. The wound was covered by a dressing, but at least the cartoonish bandage had been removed.
Douglas led her into the kitchen, where there were signs that he’d been tidying up. She looked around the makeshift room. After the stark whiteness of the hospital it seemed chaotic, over-colourful. The house smelled different too: musty and deserted, like someone had moved out in a hurry. The post was on the table, most of it junk. She barely glanced at it, her eyes following Douglas greedily as he made a cafetière of coffee and warmed milk in the microwave.
‘OK. Let’s talk.’ He glanced outside, where the dawn had touched the windows of the house behind with a pink glow. ‘I need to be out of here in an hour if I’m not going to be seen.’
‘Red sky in the morning,’ she said inconsequentially. ‘It’s going to rain.’
He poured steaming coffee into her mug and set it down on the kitchen table. The fragrance lifted her spirits.
‘It’s very tidy in here,’ she commented.
Douglas ignored her. ‘Tell me what went wrong.’
It was because of Douglas that she had phoned Angus and arranged to meet him on the Common that night. Douglas had said that they were going to have to start new lives somewhere else, and to do that properly they needed more money than either of them had. She wished now that she’d never told him, but at the time she had been trying to make him jealous, bragging about her wealthy ex-lover, hinting that he hadn’t always behaved himself, that he was at heart a crook.
It had been Douglas’s idea to wheedle money out of him and she had gone along with it because she could see no other way out of this horrible situation. Living round here, in the house where Nick had died, was killing her. She heard the crack of his skull a hundred times a day, saw his body fall to one side, heard the sick thud as he rolled off Douglas. The image would play through her consciousness while she was painting, making her hand pause mid-brushstroke. His knock on the door still rang out, his shout of anger hadn’t lost its power to make her cringe in horror. She’ll never get over it, just like she’ll never get over Izzy, because, no matter what Tim or Nick did that day, her own actions, her own selfishness, jealousy and desperation to be loved were at the root of it.
‘I arranged to meet Angus at eleven.’ She closed her eyes. She felt so guilty about Kai. He’d never been alone in the house before. She couldn’t imagine what he had felt when he woke up and found her gone.
‘Go on,’ Douglas said brusquely.
What she hadn’t bargained for, when she set off for her assignation, was that she would bump into Tim. She decided not to tell Douglas about that, it would only complicate things, but Nick’s father had left the Queen’s Arms at the exact moment she was walking past. They had seen each other at the same time, and both had looked ready to bolt, but she had steeled herself to confront him. It had been a long time coming.
Tim had looked dismayed, before his customary bravado reasserted itself and he greeted her warmly. She hadn’t meant to say anything, but it flooded out of her. She laid into him, accusing him of rape, of child molestation, of walking away from his responsibilities. She threatened him, told him that, unless he paid up, she would go to the police with her accusations. When he said she couldn’t prove it, she had reminded him about the baby. She wouldn’t even have to find her – something died inside her when she said that – she had her DNA.
‘I don’t have anything to pay you,’ he had said, holding out empty hands. ‘I’m flat broke.’
The barmaid came out to fetch the ashtrays in, and they went silent until the door had closed again behind her.
‘You won’t be broke for ever, though. Not once you inherit Nick’s estate.’
He stared at her then, and suddenly he looked terribly old. She almost felt sorry for him.
After dwelling on their affair for so many years, fantasizing about what she could have done or said at the time, to come out of it with her dignity intact, she found that she felt nothing for him. She even wondered how she could ever have slept with him, let alone thought she was in love. Compared to Douglas, and Angus for that matter, he was insubstantial. The only thing she felt was a searing guilt over the fate of his son. His shoulders were hunched as he walked away.
She waited until he was out of sight, then made her way towards the spot where she had agreed to meet Angus, close to the playground, out of sight of the parade.
He had been waiting for her, she told Douglas. Tall and elegant, leaning nonchalantly against a tree. The plan had been for her to weave her spell, wrapping him around her little finger, reminding him of the afternoon they had spent in each other’s arms. If necessary she would gently hint that she knew his secrets. He didn’t bite at all, to all intents and purposes immune to her charms, so it was necessary.
‘Is that why I’m here?’ he had asked, his voice dripping with scornful disbelief. ‘You want money? Have some self-respect, Anna.’
‘I lost my temper. I told him that I knew what he had done and that if he didn’t give me the money, I knew an investigative journalist. He called me deluded, but Douglas, there was a moment – so quick that I could have been mistaken, but I’m sure I wasn’t – when he looked frightened. That should have rung alarm bells; men like Angus don’t scare easily. He must have had a lot to lose.’
She has a memory. She had been pulling at a leaf on an overhanging tree. It came off its twig, and she crunched it up in her hand. She had felt a twinge of fear herself then and had wondered whether to leave or press on. She had pressed on. She had talked about his wife.
‘I asked him what Lorna would think, and I mentioned that she might be interested in the fact that her husband not only defrauded his company of millions of pounds but shagged her oldest friend’s daughter. I threatened to say that he had shown an interest in me early on and that I would tell the police that the reason I had been acting up that summer was because I was being interfered with. Then he punched me.’
‘You underestimated him.’
‘I know I did.’
Her head had snapped sideways. She reeled, holding her hand to her face, fell against a tree
and slid to the ground. They were deep in the shadows, well away from the main path and there was no one out walking their dogs; no one she could see, at least. She pushed herself up, steadying herself against the tree trunk, and staggered away from him. She thought he was letting her go, and started heading in the direction of the parade, her eyes glued to the faraway lights in the shop windows and the flats above, but Angus caught up with her. Before she could scream his hand was over her mouth. He swung her off the path and into the bushes, then threw her down. Her head had hit something hard, a stone or a discarded brick. She remembered the pungent smell of fox. Then the sound of footsteps hurrying away. After that, nothing.
‘What do I say when they question me?’ she asked.
‘You can’t tell anyone it was Angus. He was Nick’s boss. Nick disappeared. If the police find out it was Angus who assaulted you, they’re going to make some unwelcome connections. We have to shut this down now.’
‘But I’ve got to have a reason for being there. I left Kai alone. Either way it’s going to look bad.’
‘An online date?’
Anna laughed and it hurt her head. ‘No sane woman would go to meet a stranger in the middle of the night, on an unlit path.’
‘Perhaps you met a guy, you hit it off, you had a romantic walk and were so caught up in the moment that you didn’t realize you’d wandered off the beaten track.’
‘It’s all checkable,’ she said, dropping her head into her hands. ‘I’m sorry, I’ve ruined everything, haven’t I?’
Douglas went and leaned against the door, his arms crossed, his head dipped, deep in thought. To Anna it felt as though he was deliberately blocking her exit. Eventually he spoke. His voice was soft.
‘You’re going to have to admit to meeting a lover but refuse to tell them who it was. There’s no other way.’
‘So Angus gets off scot-free. He tried to kill me.’
‘It’s the lesser of two evils.’ He stepped forward and dragged out a chair, sat down and leaned towards her. ‘Look at me.’
She looked into his face and her breath quickened. Even now, she wanted him.
‘Do you love me?’
She nodded.
‘What did you do with the mobile?’
After Nick’s death Douglas had erased all their text messages and had bought them both pay-as-you-go phones. She had used that to contact Angus.
‘It’s in a bag under my bed.’
He went upstairs to get it and she moved into the sitting room and lay down on the sofa, pillowing her head on a cushion, because she felt so weak. She could hear him above her. She and Kai were in his hands, but at least she wasn’t alone any more; she was speaking to her parents again. When she woke up, her mother and father had been at her bedside. She had felt the enormity of what she had done by cutting her and their grandchild out of their lives. Last week they had finally met Kai and they already loved him. It was time to let bygones be bygones. She thought about water under bridges. It was an idiotic saying because the water kept coming. Nothing ever really goes away.
Kai was a worry. The Foremans wouldn’t be able to keep him for long. He either had to come home or spend a week or so with her parents, just until she was capable of looking after him again. She couldn’t imagine looking after herself, let alone her energetic son.
She sighed and glanced up, half expecting to see him, and found Douglas watching her. She must have dozed off. It was a relief to know that after everything that’d happened, after her failure, he was still here. But then Nick’s death was as much down to him as it was to her. If he hadn’t flown off the handle like that it might not have been a civilized encounter, but it wouldn’t have ended in a fatality. And Douglas had implicated himself by disposing of Nick’s body, so he must truly love her. They had rolled him up in an old blanket. Douglas had driven off with Nick in the boot of his car at two in the morning. The shock of it had nearly tipped her over the edge, but he had steadied her, drummed into her what they needed to do. Anna had spent the next two days scrubbing the house and had almost been caught by Grace when she turned up on her doorstep on the Monday wanting a cuppa and a sympathetic ear. Jesus. She had scared the life out of her.
‘I have to go,’ Douglas said.
‘When will I see you again?’
‘Soon. Who the hell’s that?’
Someone had knocked on the door. Not the tentative knock of a concerned neighbour, but a firm, double rap that smacked of authority.
Douglas ducked out of sight of the window, then motioned her to follow him and keep down. She slid off the sofa and crawled out into the hall. They hunkered at the bottom of the stairs, Douglas with his finger pressed against her lips. The house seemed to pulse with an unfamiliar energy.
‘Anna Foreman, can you open up, please? It’s the police.’
She froze, her heart crashing.
‘Shit,’ Douglas muttered.
‘Mrs Foreman? The hospital says you walked out. We just want to check you’re OK. There’s nothing to worry about.’
Anna waited, pressed into Douglas’s frame, his body heating her, their heartbeats in sync. The crackle of a police radio was audible.
‘She’s not here,’ the officer said. ‘Waste of time. We’ll come back in an hour.’
Another ten seconds and a car door clunked shut. As the car drove away, Anna released her breath.
Douglas unfolded his body and patted her on the shoulder. ‘This is not going to work. I shouldn’t have come here. I’m finishing this, Anna.’
Her blood stopped moving. ‘What do you mean, finishing?’
‘It’s too dangerous for us to be together. You can see that, can’t you?’
‘But you can’t walk away from me.’
‘Of course I can.’
‘I won’t let you.’ Her voice was urgent, frightened. Her head ached so much.
He looked down at her and frowned. ‘Don’t be silly. There’s nothing you can do.’
Anna burst into tears and took hold of his wrist, pulling his hand to her lips and kissing his knuckles. ‘I can do better, Douglas. I love you. I promise I won’t get you into any trouble. But if you leave me, I might not have the strength to keep lying. There’ll be a lot of pressure.’
Douglas sighed, then his expression altered, his eyes softening. He touched her head briefly. ‘I didn’t mean it.’
She let go of the breath she was holding. ‘I knew you didn’t.’
‘Listen, get yourself better and then we’ll speak. Is there anyone you can stay with? You shouldn’t be here on your own.’
‘I’m all right. I won’t say anything to anyone. I promise. Please, Douglas.’
He shook his head impatiently. ‘One of us has to be sensible and make the difficult decisions. I’ve done little else but think since you’ve been in hospital and, believe me, it’s the only way. We can’t see each other until all this blows over.’
Her throat threatened to close up, to choke her. Her mind was fogged with misery.
His eyes narrowed. ‘Your pupils are different sizes.’
She stiffens, blindsided by the change of subject. ‘It’s the injury.’
‘And what else did the injury cause? Can I trust you?’
‘Of course you can.’ She snaked her body closer to his. ‘I’ll be fine here. We can meet secretly, like we used to.’
He moved her to one side and sat down on the stairs. ‘Anna. Anna. What am I going to do with you?’
She rested her hands on his knees. ‘We have each other. That’s all that matters.’
‘Don’t you understand anything? You’re going to need help and it can’t come from me. The best thing you can do is stay with your family. It’s what a normal person would do.’
‘But why? I can’t leave London. My friends will rally round. Grace has offered to help. She sent me a really lovely text.’
‘Jesus. You killed her bloody boyfriend. What’s wrong with you?’
She gasped, and he stood up abruptly, s
o that she had to grab hold of the banister to stop herself falling backwards.
‘How can I put it so that you understand? You have to take yourself right away. I don’t want to see or hear from you until all this blows over. It’s too dangerous.’ He put his hands on her shoulders where they rested, heavy and cold as chains. ‘When you’re back to your old self, we can meet properly, through Grace or the school or whatever, and start something then.’ He wiped a tear away from her cheek with the pad of his thumb. ‘Give it a year.’
‘A year!’
His fingers tightened, pressing into her muscles. ‘For us, Anna. Because we love each other, and we want a future together. You, me. Lottie and Kai. We could even have a baby. We’ll be a family. I promise. The time will pass quickly, you’ll see. Ring your mum.’
‘But she hates me,’ she wailed, tears coursing down her cheek.
He wrapped his arms tightly around her trembling body and kissed her forehead, a cool, passionless kiss that scared her more than anything else.
‘No she doesn’t,’ he murmured. ‘No one hates you. We all love you.’
She sniffed, not reassured. ‘Am I repulsive?’
‘The bruises will go. You won’t look like this for ever. I’m going to take care of you, Anna. I’ll wait for you. Can you hold on to that?’
‘Promise you won’t leave me.’
‘I promise. And you know what the most important thing is, don’t you?’
She gazed up at him. ‘That we love each other.’
The corners of his lips twitched. ‘That you think before you speak.’
GRACE
Friday, 15 June 2018
I WAKE FROM A DREAM ABOUT IZZY WELLS, A DREAM IN which sadness seems to mist from my breath. I pull on my dressing gown and go downstairs. Two months have passed since Nick vanished and the house is eerily quiet. Lottie has been away all week, on a residential trip to Dorset, an event I would have been delighted to make the most of in happier times. Now I just feel lonely. One day, when she leaves home, I’ll truly be on my own. I wipe away a tear and tell myself off for being mawkish.
