‘I don’t know what you’re playing at, Tobey, but Callie is miserable and you’re the cause and I’m not having it,’ she told me straight. ‘If you don’t want to be with her any more, then have the balls to come right out and tell her so. That way you’ll both know where you stand. Don’t just ignore her and duck out of rooms when she enters them.’
‘I’m trying to do what’s right for Callie,’ I admitted.
‘By deliberately hurting her?’ Sammi said incredulously.
‘That’s not my intention.’
‘Intention or not, that’s what you’re doing,’ she said. ‘Look, do you want to be with her or not?’
I nodded, unable to lie.
‘Then stop acting like a dick.’ And with that Sammi flounced off.
It had the desired effect though. After Crossmas I’d got back with Callie, and now here we were. Callie had never asked me why I’d backed away from her and she didn’t recriminate – not once. Maybe she was waiting for me to volunteer the information. But what we have isn’t the same. Since the new year she’s been … cautious. Wary. I’ve caught her watching me when she doesn’t think I’m looking. Yet when we’re together, she has a hard time meeting my eyes. Is she afraid of what she might see, or what she might reveal?
‘Callie, how’s your mum– I haven’t seen her in a while?’ I asked to break the tension between us.
‘Fine. You know she’s Persephone Ealing now, right?’
My mouth fell open. ‘She married Nathan? Last I heard they were going to wait till summer.’
‘They both changed their minds and got married at Crossmas. She’s full of the joys of spring at the moment. I wanted to invite you to their wedding as my date, but—’ Callie shrugged.
No more words were required. I’d been too busy doing my running-man act to slow down enough to receive the invitation. Callie proceeded to tell me all about the wedding and some of the more amusing moments from the wedding reception. I could’ve been there, but I’d missed it.
‘How d’you feel about your mum and Nathan?’ I asked after her reminiscences.
Callie shrugged again as she retrieved more beer bottles from the fridge. She was doing that far too often. ‘Mum deserves to be happy. She’s found someone who doesn’t ignore her or treat her like shit. That means a lot.’
Ouch! Bitch-slap received and understood.
‘What happened to that other guy who had it bad for your mum? What was his name? Sonny?’
‘He wanted to marry Mum too, but in the end she chose Nathan.’
‘What made her pick one over the other?’
‘You’d have to ask Mum that,’ said Callie. ‘And just between you and me, Mum’s pregnant.’
‘You’re joking!’ Then I frowned. ‘Isn’t she too old for that?’
Callie burst out laughing. ‘That’s just what I said!’
thirty-six. Callie
* * *
I’d only found out Mum was pregnant a few days ago. I’d come home from school and headed straight to the kitchen to get myself a drink. Mum was already there, making herself a cup of lemon and ginger tea. She looked me up and down and frowned. ‘What’s wrong with you? You’ve got a face like a slapped arse.’
I raised an eyebrow. ‘Nicely put, Mum.’
‘Well? You still haven’t answered my question.’
‘I’m fine,’ I lied.
‘Are you still having your party this Friday? Have the arrangements gone wrong? D’you have to cancel it?’
‘Of course not.’
Mum smiled wryly. ‘Worth a try!’
‘Mum, you promised that you and Nathan would disappear for the night and I expect you to keep your word.’
‘OK. Calm down. Nathan and I are going away for the weekend, not the night, so, when we come home on Sunday night, I expect to find this house exactly as we left it. D’you hear?’
I nodded, exasperated. How many more times?!
‘So, if you’re not worrying about your party, what’s got you looking so constipated?’
‘Again – nicely put!’
‘Oh God, it’s that boy Tobey again, isn’t it?’ said Mum, rolling her eyes.
‘Why d’you say that?’ I frowned. ‘Maybe I just had a bad day at school.’
Mum gave me one of her patented looks, her eyebrows raised as she waited for me to speak.
‘OK, so I’m still waiting for Tobey to explain why he dumped me,’ I admitted. ‘I’ve been dropping all kinds of hints that I’m ready to listen but he hasn’t said a word.’
Mum sighed. ‘That guy! He doesn’t have a clue, does he?’
Mum was not Tobey’s biggest fan. She still blamed him for me getting shot, even though I’d told her umpteen times that it wasn’t his fault.
‘He’ll tell me eventually, I guess.’ Knowing him, probably around about the time I’m pregnant with our third child. The random thought brought instant heat to my cheeks. Mum’s gaze was speculative as she studied me. I always hated it when she did that. My mum didn’t miss much. ‘Callie, just be careful, OK? Tobey isn’t on the same page as you relationship-wise.’
‘Where am I?’
Mum considered this, picking her words carefully like they were delicate flowers. ‘It wouldn’t take much for you to think of Tobey as your one and only soulmate, if you don’t already. You feel things too deeply.’
‘Is that a bad thing?’
Mum shook her head. ‘You’re too much like me, Callie. When someone hurts you, it’s hard for you to just shake it off.’
A moment’s silence as we both acknowledged the truth of her words.
‘And what page is Tobey on?’
‘Tobey isn’t as mature as you. No man is!’ Mum added dryly. ‘He thinks he’s looking for a bedmate.’
‘That’s not fair,’ I protested. ‘Tobey isn’t that shallow. He—’
‘Callie, you misunderstand me. He cares about you. Deeply. Always has done. Is he trying to rush you into bed?’
My cheeks burn. ‘Mum!’
‘Oh please,’ she said, dismissing my embarrassment. ‘If he is, it’s because he believes it’s the only place he can really show how he feels about you. He’s scared of his feelings, and his way of dealing with the aftermath of you getting shot was to deny that he feels anything. And what’s more he’ll do anything to prove it.’
‘He has nothing to prove to me—’
‘He’s not trying to prove it to you, love,’ said Mum. ‘He’s desperate to prove it to himself. His head is all over the place and the best thing you can do is stay out of his way until his head stops spinning. And if the two of you do decide to be … intimate, make sure he wears a condom. No glove, no love.’
‘Mum! For goodness’ sake!’
‘What?’
The front door opened and closed. Nathan was home, thank goodness. This conversation was setting my cheeks on fire.
‘Hey. How are my two favourite ladies?’ he asked.
Mum headed over to him and the two of them had a prolonged snog. Ewww!
Nathan put his arm round Mum’s shoulder. ‘Have you told her yet?’
Told me what? Puzzled, I looked from Mum to Nathan and back again. Mum put her hand on her abdomen. And then I knew.
‘You’re pregnant?’
‘Nathan! For Shaka’s sake! We agreed that I’d tell her,’ Mum grumbled.
‘I never said a word!’ Nathan raised both hands in surrender, making me giggle.
‘Callie, you’re going to have a brother or sister,’ Mum confirmed.
I looked at Nathan who was watching me closely.
‘Well, you two didn’t hang about!’ I teased, genuinely happy. ‘Congrats. That’s fantastic news. Can I choose his or her name?’
Nathan grinned after what looked like a sigh of relief. That soon faded as he contemplated my last question.
‘That depends. What name did you have in mind?’ he asked warily.
‘Something unique and special. Let me think about it,’
I said.
‘Oh Lord!’ Nathan was worried – and rightly so.
Laughing, I walked over to give him a long hug and Mum a longer one. ‘I’m really happy I’m going to have a brother or sister. I can’t lie though – it’s kinda nasty to think of the two of you going at it at your age. Aren’t you too old for that? I mean, you might’ve put your backs out or something.’
‘Well, thanks for the congratulations at least,’ said Nathan, eyebrows raised. ‘I’m not quite sure what to say to the rest.’
‘What d’you mean – too old?’ Mum said with indignation. ‘I’m thirty-five, not dead. And I didn’t exactly find you under a lilac bush, you know.’
No, you had to have me alone because my dad was officially murdered, hanged before I was even born. The thought slipped unbidden into my head, dimming my smile. Mum raised my chin to kiss me on the forehead, before hugging me again.
And I loved it. Hugging Mum was still new enough to be cherished. We’d spent too many years together but apart. It had taken the death of my Nana Jasmine to bring us this close together, and that fact still made me sad. So much time and love wasted. That’s why I was grateful every day for Mum, Nana Meggie and now Nathan.
And Tobey.
Nathan joined us in the hug and, as I stood there, breathing them in, I was happy for the family we were, for the family we were going to be and for my new dad, but couldn’t help feeling a moment’s wistfulness for the dad I never knew.
Dad, if you’re up there somewhere, I’ll make you proud of me. I swear I will.
NOW
* * *
Daily Shouter Online
Home. News. Politics. Celebs. Entertainment. Sport. Tech. Health. Science. Money. More.
Nought terrorist laughed as he massacred five in a church
Alexander Gleeson, Nought, 40, butchered five Crosses who were attending a morning prayer meeting at the Redeemer Church, Blackfields Village. It has been confirmed that Gleeson is a paid-up member of the extremist separatist group Nought Forever. Witnesses say he entered the church and immediately started firing. ‘People were toppling over left and right,’ said Grace Jennings, a church attendee. ‘My husband fell onto me and we both crashed to the floor. All around us came the sounds of rapid gunfire and screams. It was awful, like being picked up and dumped in hell. My husband is still in intensive care. The doctors have told me to hope for the best but prepare for the worst.’ Another witness, who wished to remain anonymous, told the Daily Shouter: ‘The shooter was shouting all kinds of racist s**t when he burst into the church. He had murder in his head and murder in his heart. We didn’t stand a chance.’
THEN
* * *
thirty-seven. Tobey
* * *
Callie had a faraway look in her eyes. She got like that sometimes. There were moments when memories immobilized her and she wore her sadness like a crown, usually when she was thinking of her dad. She’d never got to meet him, but that didn’t mean she didn’t profoundly feel his loss. I knew her expressions, her moods, her myriad states like I knew my own. I was her. She was me. It was that simple.
‘Callie, I—’
The front doorbell rang.
‘Hold that thought,’ Callie replied with a smile, now back in the present.
Frowning, I waited as she went to the front door. We still weren’t quite right. If I didn’t know better, I’d say that Callie was … uneasy around me. Maybe uneasy was overstating it. She was tense. Yes, definitely tense. Why wouldn’t she look at me? Really look at me like before? It was almost as if—
Callie came back into the kitchen carrying a large box. ‘The decorations I ordered have arrived. I’ll put up the streamers. You can help blow up the helium balloons. The canister is in the garage.’
I rushed forward to take the outsized box from her and placed it on the central island.
‘You should’ve called me to carry this for you,’ I told her.
Callie moved to stand before me.
‘I have been calling you,’ she said, looking straight at me for once. ‘You just haven’t been listening.’
Silence. We weren’t talking about party decorations any more.
‘I’m sorry. I’m listening now,’ I said.
‘Promise?’
‘Promise. I’ve missed you, Callie,’ I admitted.
‘Whose fault is that?’
‘Mine.’
‘I still don’t understand what I did to make you end things between us,’ Callie said.
I hated hearing the hurt in her voice. How could I make it up to her? I did the only thing I could think of: I kissed her, pouring apology and caring and a plea for forgiveness into that kiss. And, after a moment’s stillness, Callie kissed me back, her tongue licking against my lips.
That was all it took for my body to ignite. Wrapping my arms around her, I ran my tongue along her bottom lip. Callie’s gasp opened her mouth for me and that was all the invitation I needed. God, I’d missed this. So much. There weren’t enough words in the Zafrikan Official Dictionary to describe how much I wanted Callie at that moment, needed her. Not just sex. This was about far more than sex. I needed to be close to her again. Connected again. There was hardly any air between us as my tongue played over hers and I held her even tighter. But then she stiffened in my arms and pulled away. I let her go at once.
‘No,’ she whispered.
‘Callie, what’s wrong?’ I asked, trying to bank down my frustration.
‘Tobey, you know how I feel about you, but—’
‘But?’
‘I’m not ready for this. After everything that’s happened between us recently, I’m not going to jump straight into bed with you.’ Callie’s attention was entirely focused on her hands, which were fluttering like restless birds before her. ‘We need to talk things through first.’
I took her hands in mine, willing her to look at me. After a moment, she did, though there was something I couldn’t quite decipher in her eyes.
‘Callie, you know how I feel about you,’ I said. ‘If you’ve changed your mind about me or can’t feel the same way, then you need to tell me.’
‘But that’s just it,’ she argued. ‘I don’t know how you feel about me, not after how you’ve treated me. I haven’t a clue. Tobey, I’m not a chess piece you can sweep off the board and then reinstate whenever the mood takes you.’
‘My feelings haven’t changed.’ That’s all I was willing to admit to.
Callie’s head tilted to one side as she studied me. ‘I don’t know what that means.’
‘It means I want to be with you.’ There! I’d said it.
Callie pulled her hands away from mine.
‘You don’t feel the same way,’ I realized. ‘I’ve really messed things up between us, haven’t I?’
‘It’s not that—’
‘Then what is it?’
From the tightening of Callie’s lips, I knew she’d heard the note of what sounded like exasperation in my voice. It may have sounded like that, but panic would’ve been a better description. I’d been so wrapped up in how I was feeling that I hadn’t appreciated until now what I was doing to Callie. Now, though she was standing still, she was pulling away from me.
I’d hurt her badly and she wasn’t eager to give me the chance to do it again.
‘Tobey, you are disappointing me so much right now. I thought you volunteered to help me so that we could have a proper talk, but you’re not interested in that, are you? What’s the plan? A quickie before our friends arrive?’ Callie gave me a mocking conspiratorial wink.
‘Godsake! It wasn’t like that.’
She tilted her head to the left, then the right as she studied me, as if trying to figure out what it was she was looking at. It was like being under a microscope – and I didn’t like it.
‘Look, it wasn’t as strategic as you’re making out,’ I denied, running a hand through my hair. ‘I wasn’t up all night, planning how to have sex with you.’
‘So
you’re not interested in having sex then?’
‘I never said that,’ I countered. At Callie’s raised eyebrows, I amended, ‘What I mean is, can’t we do both?’
‘And I bet I know which one you’d like to do first,’ she said.
Hellsake!
‘OK, what d’you want to talk about?’ I asked with impatience.
Callie blinked at me, disbelief writ large on her face. ‘Oh, I don’t know. How about we discuss the decorations? Or the pattern on your socks? Or maybe we could talk about me getting shot and what you did afterwards. You can tell me about your friend Rebecca and how she died, and about you and Dan. I could tell you about the terrible nightmares I’ve been having and how loud noises, even raised voices, make me panic. I might even tell you what it’s been like not having my best friend to talk to. How about something along those lines? Or would you rather just stick to inanities about the weather?’
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