Pining & Loving

by Emma Sterner-Radley

  Aya stood back to check on Gwen. Was she having fun? Was she getting too tired? No, she seemed okay.

  They were in Gwen’s flat, practising posture and the toe-heel alignment. The different swings would have to come later. Aya had mentioned a hook before, and Gwen had thought she was talking about something to hang her coat on. They had a long way to go.

  Still, Gwen was up and about, even appearing a little less listless than the night before.

  Aya returned to her position next to Gwen. “Always protect your body, especially your face. Keep your hands up and your chin down. Feet shoulder-width apart, with your right foot in front of the left.”

  “Like this?”

  “Yep, loads better.”

  Aya suggested a few more corrections to her toe-heel alignment until Gwen stood perfectly balanced.

  “So, how is the job search going?” Gwen asked out of the blue.

  “Not great so far. I do have another interview tomorrow, though.”

  Gwen smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. “Great. What’s it for?”

  It killed Aya to see how hard Gwen was fighting to seem positive and engaged. “It’s an admin job for a company called Explore. They make and publish magazines about hiking, mountaineering, angling, and outdoorsy stuff like that.”

  “Interesting,” Gwen said.

  Aya scratched the back of her neck, looking down. “Well, I mean I’d be up to my neck in spreadsheets and paperwork, not dealing with the actual magazines. But yeah, it’d be a job. The pay’s not bad, actually.”

  “That’s good. Best of luck! If you want to practise your answers or do any other sort of job interview prep, let me know.”

  Aya gave Gwen a grateful smile. “Thanks. I will.”

  “You’re welcome. So, um, are we doing anything else today?”

  The usual light in Gwen’s blue eyes had faded, and her pallid face looked drawn and tired. Even though they’d only been practising stances for about fifteen minutes, Aya made a judgement call.

  “Maybe we should call it a day?”

  Gwen flopped back into her normal posture. “Probably best. Sorry.”

  “Hey, don’t ever apologise about something like that. You have to work twice as hard to do things now. Of course you’ll be knackered. We’ll try some more tomorrow.”

  “Sounds good. Thank you for being patient.”

  Aya shrugged. “You’re always patient with me; the very least I can do is return the favour.”

  “Especially if I make you tea, right?” Gwen said with another polite smile.

  “You don’t happen to have any coffee?”

  “No. Devil beans don’t enter this house! I get enough of them at work.”

  Aya laughed but took a step back at the venom in Gwen’s tone. She held her hands up as if to defend herself. “Wow… Right… so… water’s fine.”

  A smile twitched on Gwen’s wan lips. It wasn’t the expected laugh, but it looked more genuine than the fake smiles Gwen had been giving today.

  That little twitch hit Aya square in the chest. It was an achievement with Gwen feeling like this, and to Aya’s surprise, it made her deeply proud to have caused it.

  * * *

  The next day’s boxing lesson got cancelled. A text came in at 6 a.m. saying:

  Hi Aya. I’m terribly sorry to have to change our plans but I’m in a rubbish state today. I’m just going to sleep. Maybe call my therapist later. So sorry again. Good luck with your interview today, I’m sure you’ll rock it!

  Aya thought about Gwen all morning, then on her way to the interview, partially during the job interview—which seemed to go well— and then after it, too. While driving home, she wondered what it must be like being stuck in the meanest, darkest parts of your mind. She knew she couldn’t fix Gwen’s depression. That wasn’t how it worked. However, there had been that twitch of a smile yesterday. Maybe she could cause that again? Let a bit of light into the darkness? Just to let Gwen know that she wasn’t alone.

  As she wandered into her empty house, Gwen’s words about the ‘bright spark’ came back to her, those moments that gave you something to look forward to and interrupted the grey of everyday life. If Susannah could do that by just breezing in and flirting a little, surely Aya could accomplish it, too? Sure, she couldn’t flick champagne-blonde hair and smirk with a sophisticated air, but she could come up with something else. Something real. Something with actual feelings behind it.

  She did the dishes her dad had left in the sink, wondering how to show Gwen how much beauty and magic there was in life. Not actual magic, of course, like wizards and crap, just something with a hint of wonder. Something cool, something new, something special. A little boost.

  She went upstairs and sat down on her bed, still unsure of what to do. This wasn’t really her thing. Boxing was her thing. So was driving, mending stuff, and taking charge. Hell, even shagging could be seen as ‘her thing’. But this stuff, the emotional, gentle, and flowery? That would take some thinking.

  She undid the top buttons of the white shirt she always wore to interviews, then leaned back and looked around her bedroom as she pondered. Her gaze stuck to a small object on her dresser. That was what she should bring Gwen! It would take some explaining, though. She could do that, right? Yeah. She could. It wouldn’t be easy, spilling her guts like Bill had taught her, or being sappy and open like Charlotte and Gwen the night before, but she could do it. She chuckled. The first piece of everyday magic she wanted to bring Gwen had been right under her nose.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  First Day of Boosts

  Gwen pulled on a robe and dragged herself to the front door. “Okay, stop knocking. I hear you!”

  She opened it. There was Aya, in formal trousers and her saffron hoodie, with a sheepish look on her face.

  “Aya? Hello.” Gwen rubbed her sleep-gritty eyes. “Didn’t I text you? I’m in too bad of a shape to box today. Or to socialise in general.”

  “You did. And I respect that. I’ll leave you alone soon. I just have something to drop off.”

  “Drop off?” Gwen queried, standing aside to let her in.

  Aya stopped in the hallway, probably to mark that she wasn’t staying long. “So, you know how you wanted a daily, um…” Aya waved in the air as if hoping to waft forth the right words. “I think you’ve called them pick-me-ups, bright sparks, or tonics?”

  “Yes?”

  “Well, I’m going to call them boosts, and I’m on a mission to bring you some.”

  Gwen must’ve looked sceptical because Aya cringed and clarified. “I mean, I know Charlotte got you a guinea pig, and I think having Meatloaf will help in the long run. In the short run, though, you need something easier and flashier.”

  “Easier? Flashier?”

  “Yeah,” Aya said with one of her signature shrugs. “You know, something more fun and low maintenance. Right now, you’re struggling to care for yourself, so caring for Meatloaf isn’t helping you. Even though her furry face would normally make you smile. Right?”

  “Very perceptive,” Gwen said, genuinely impressed.

  “So, I got you something. Hopefully it’ll be a boost.”

  Gwen leaned against the wall, nearly stabbing her back on a coat hook. “That’s very sweet, and I’ll be happy for whatever you brought me, but Aya, I have to repeat this: my depression can’t be cured. Not by anyone or anything.”

  “I’m not trying to cure it,” Aya said vehemently. “I want to give you something to look forward to as you battle through each day. Besides, I would’ve given this to you anyway.”

  Gwen couldn’t remember ever seeing the cool Aya this enthusiastic. Or was she anxious and covering it up? Whatever it was, it was heartwarming.

  “Okay. Thank you for thinking about me. So, what’s the thing?”

  Aya retrieved something from the big pocket of her hoodie and cupped it in her palm, looking so vulnerable. She held her closed fist up to Gwen, looked her right in the eye, and whispered
, “Here.”

  Her hand opened hesitantly and revealed a smooth, oval stone. It was grey with a band of pale, rosy red going through it.

  “That’s cute,” Gwen said, hiding her bewilderment. How was this pebble a boost?

  “I know it’s not big or grand, but small things can be important.” She took a step closer to Gwen. “It’s from Shirahama Beach, close to where my mum grew up. I’ve never been there, but Mum says it’s beautiful. She picked up that stone on the morning of the day she emigrated to Britain.” She held it out closer to Gwen, who took it. The pebble still held Aya’s body warmth.

  They both regarded the stone, and Aya continued her story. “I guess it symbolized a new beginning for Mum. She gave it to me when I quit boxing and was starting my new life.”

  Gratitude made Gwen choke up. “Wow! Then you can’t give it to me, kind as you are. You have to keep it.”

  “Nah, I never much liked it. I didn’t think it brought me any luck. You know, no job, no new purpose, no friends, disaster of a love life. But…” She hesitated. “When I was thinking about a boost for you, I saw it and thought it might bring you better luck. That was the first meaning of it.”

  Aya swallowed so hard that Gwen saw the bobbing of her throat column between the sculpted neck muscles.

  “I also… realised that you’ve been more of a ‘new beginning symbol’ for me than this pebble has. You’ve become my first new friend in years, Gwen. You pushed me to dare pursue Susannah, then your sensible side guided me to end it when it was clear she was toxic. You make me want to try new things.”

  She closed her mouth with a snap, as if wanting to stop it from spilling words. Then she put her hands in her pockets and, again looking sheepish, shrugged.

  Gratitude and affection tugged at Gwen. For the first time today, she actually felt something that wasn’t a dull hint of disappointment or fear.

  “I don’t know what to say,” she said gently. “This is a wonderful gift. Would your mum be okay with you giving it away?”

  “Mum doesn’t much care what I do these days. Giving me that stone was the last time we talked about something important. Now, I’m as much a disappointment and puzzle to her as I am to myself, I guess.”

  “I think you might be projecting. I’m sure she’s proud of you.”

  “Maybe. I don’t really know much about what she thinks and feels. Both she and Dad live their lives from day to day, never stopping to remember things, analyse stuff, or talk stuff through. They just happily plough on with everyday life.” Aya’s gaze went to the stone in Gwen’s palm again. “Mum never has much time to spend with me.”

  “Is that why she never took you to where she grew up?”

  “Yeah. That and the fact that she and Dad rarely travel. They work, shop, eat, watch telly, and sleep. That’s it.” Aya peered down at her boots. “When I ask about going to Japan, Mum says that the flight is too long. I wonder if it’s just that she doesn’t want to go back.”

  “Maybe she has bad memories there?”

  Aya tilted her head from side to side, weighing the alternatives. “Mm. Maybe. Or more likely in her case, she doesn’t see the point in dwelling on her past. Or she doesn’t like being with me. Neither of us knows how to spend time with the other; we’re too different. Anyway…” She trailed off, scuffing one boot against the other. “Maybe… no, never mind.”

  “Please tell me?”

  Aya looked up from her boots. “The second reason that stone is a boost gift for you is that I figured I’d attach an exciting promise to it.”

  “An exciting promise?” Gwen prompted, trying to make her voice as comforting as she could.

  “I thought I could save up to bring you to Shirahama one day,” Aya blurted. “We would walk down the beach so you could find it a pebble friend. Then we could go see the hot springs. At night we could have an adventure in town, try out some proper Japanese food.” Aya dipped her chin, avoiding eye contact. “Now that sounds silly, though. Like it would be a gift for me, not you. I don’t know what I was thinking. Forget it.”

  “No! I’d love that! All of that. Japan… wow. I’ve never been farther from home than Greece.”

  There was another hint of emotion in Gwen now. Was that a faint throb of hope? Probably not; it was more likely Aya’s passion being contagious.

  Aya perked up. “Then, when I have a job again and have saved up the money for a few years, I’ll buy us a trip. We’ll go to Shirahama together?”

  Gwen closed her fingers around the smooth stone. “Yes. That sounds amazing.”

  If I ever get back above the surface. It’s been weeks of this now. Maybe Edward is right. Maybe I do need a higher dose. That way I can be a little more normal for Aya.

  Unaware of her thoughts, Aya gave a shy smile and said, “Anyway. I’ll let you get back to recovering. If it’s okay, I’d like to come back tomorrow afternoon and bring you another boost?”

  “Aya, I’d love that, but you don’t need to,” Gwen stated kindly but clearly. “You have your own life, and this is so much effort.”

  Which I’m not worth.

  “Rubbish,” Aya dismissed. “I’ll help you get through this, duck. Both because I want to and because giving you a bit of fun, something interesting to add to your day, will be the win I’ve been searching for.”

  Gwen couldn’t supress her scepticism. “Okay. As long as you get something out of it, too.”

  “It’s not about that for me. Not really. I just want to be there for you. It feels important.”

  “Thank you,” Gwen said, self-loathing jangling her nerves. “I don’t deserve such good friends as you and Charlotte. You’re both saints.”

  “Nah, we just found a great person and want to help her feel better. Call me if you need anything.”

  Aya opened the door, waved goodbye, and left in a hurry.

  Clearly, she still struggled with emotional chats. Gwen opened her fingers again and surveyed the stone. That sliver of rosy red running though the grey stone, it was a perfect symbol of Aya’s visit on this truly shitty day.

  Fatigue flooded her again. Had she eaten today? Not since that small glass of coconut milk to swallow down her antidepressants this morning. Maybe she should make some tea with lots of honey? The tiredness made her ache and decided for her.

  Charlotte will make dinner when she gets home from work. That’ll have to be enough.

  Gwen hauled herself back to her bed. The bedroom was stuffy and dark. She should open a window. She should dust the room. She should shower. She should get dressed. She should eat.

  All of that was impossible right now. That black, void-like ocean pulled her down, sucking the energy and will to fight right out of her. She fell into bed and closed her eyes. Something hurt under her hip. She ignored it. She deserved the pain. Then, the pain got too distracting and she removed the cause. It was Aya’s pebble. It must have fallen out of her hand and landed on the bed before she did.

  She held it in her palm and thought of Aya, the brave woman who wanted to stand by her through this mess. The woman who was broken, too, but in a different way.

  Aya’s words lingered in a corner of her mind. “Something small can be important.”

  She peered at her bedside table, remembering that Charlotte had left a packet of those chocolate-covered almonds Gwen loved on there. When was that? Two days ago? Three? Days blurred when she felt like this.

  She made herself grab the packet and open it. She popped a few almonds into her mouth. Chewing took so much effort, but if she ate these, she would’ve done something small that would be important. She swallowed them and drank half of the contents of her water glass. It was lukewarm, but she didn’t care. She’d eaten something and drunk something. It was small, but it was a start. She wrapped her arms around herself and let herself fall back into that deep ocean. Mercifully, sleep caught her instead.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Second and Third Boosts

  Aya sat on the stairs to lace up her
boots. With her parents at work, the house was so quiet that she could hear the afternoon rain against the windowpanes as clearly as if it was in the room with her.

  By her side lay the next boost she wanted to bring Gwen, a beginner’s guide to boxing. If Gwen couldn’t leave the house or socialise, but still wanted to learn, maybe this could be a good solution. Especially since Gwen liked to read.

  She pulled her jacket on and flipped the hood up to ward off the worst of the rain, then ran for the jeep. While driving she noted that the muscles in her shoulders and arms were tight. She wasn’t sure if that was down to her weightlifting session this morning or last evening’s sparring match with Bill’s nineteen-year-old prodigy.

  Jenny. Her name is Jenny. I have to think of her as that, not as some random kid who’s taking my place and having a shot at the future I left behind.

  She rolled her shoulders and turned into Gwen’s street. As she parked, she squinted through the rain up at the building and towards Gwen’s window. No movement up there. There was a chance that Gwen was asleep. Quite a big chance; Gwen slept most days away at the moment.

  Aya had gone online to read up on depression, as well as antidepressant medication and its side effects. Not that it did her much good. All depressed people seemed to have different experiences. Sleeping a lot was a common symptom, though.

  She texted Gwen to let her know that she was downstairs and asked if it was okay for her to come up. No reply; she was probably asleep then.

  Aya took the stairs instead of the lift, partly because she wanted the extra exercise, partly to shake off some rain, but mainly because she needed more time to think about what to say and do. She wanted to be helpful and sensitive. Almost as much as she wanted any excuse to see Gwen again.

  She knocked and waited. The book was heavier in her hand now, awkward somehow. Maybe Gwen wouldn’t like it. Maybe it would make her feel pressured into learning how to box when she should be focusing on getting back on her feet.