It wasn’t going to happen with Hannah. Oh, she’d liked the kissing; he was experienced enough to know that. But it wouldn’t amount to anything, not when she was from a good family and he was from a bad one.
Inside, he got his father to the bed just before he collapsed, his eyes closing. Luke knew he should get Dad to eat something, to drink the fluids he needed, but he couldn’t bring himself to make the man stay awake when he was so clearly exhausted.
So he pulled off Dad’s boots—something he’d done fairly often before, when Dad was drunk—and pulled the covers over his frail-looking form. He drew in a breath and let it out again, slowly.
Looking at his father twisted twin strands of love and exasperation around his heart. Dad was difficult, angry and often mean. But he was also tough and funny. And he needed help.
Dad would wake up and be mad about the way the room looked, devoid of the usual clutter and, instead, decorated for Christmas. He’d hate having to be cared for.
At the same time, it was obvious that Dad couldn’t have managed all this alone. He was grateful to the old acquaintance from the hospital who’d called Luke and let him know his father was struggling and needed surgery.
Clearly, it was Luke’s obligation, as a son and a Christian, to be here and help his father through this difficult time. He’d committed to it, and he’d do it.
Aside from workdays when the home health-care person would come to be with, or at least visit, Dad, it would be all Luke, all the time, at least for these next couple of weeks.
The one benefit was that it would mean he couldn’t spend any time with Hannah outside of work. That might mean he wouldn’t have to push her away.
Despair rose in him as he thought about being here alone with his father, and then leaving Bethlehem Springs once Dad was on his feet. Especially as he contemplated never growing the thing that had sprung to life with Hannah during that fortuitous power outage in the barn.
He walked out and got Dad’s bag, picked up the casseroles and brought them inside.
Why had God given him that taste of sweetness that was kissing Hannah, only to send him crashing back down to earth?
Or was Luke blaming God for his own mistakes?
Chapter Eleven
On Sunday night, Hannah waved goodbye to the nursing-home residents and climbed back into the car with Gabby, Sam and Sheniqua. The caroling had gone well and the others were obviously feeling festive, as they talked and laughed.
The air was crisp, the sky speckled with stars. Normally, Hannah would have loved the time with her cousin and friends, enjoyed singing her favorite Christmas songs. Now, though, she was in an ongoing state of confusion that kept her from focusing on the moment. What had that kiss meant, Friday night?
She hadn’t seen Luke over the weekend, except for that awkward moment of bringing food over for him and his dad. She hadn’t even wanted to come, but when Mom had struggled with the big cooler of food, of course, Hannah had to help. They’d meant to leave it on the porch for Luke and his dad to find when he got home, but when they’d arrived, Luke’s car was already in the driveway. She and Mom had opened the cooler, gotten out the casseroles and put them on the porch while Luke struggled to get his father out of the car. When they’d realized that no one was in the mood for small talk, they’d quickly left.
Even though Hannah knew that nothing could come of their relationship, the way they’d held each other Friday night had taken her feelings to a deeper level. She’d felt her insides wrench when she’d seen he was having trouble getting his dad to accept help. She’d even wished she was his girlfriend, so that she’d have a legitimate right to help him.
When the other car pool of twentysomethings from church pulled up beside them, Hannah shook off her thoughts. She needed to be present with her friends, not pining after something that could never happen with Luke.
The other driver gestured for Gabby, who was driving, to open her window.
“We’re going to go sing at the Hutchensons’ place before we go home,” he said. “Why don’t you follow us?”
“Great idea!” exclaimed Gabby.
No, it wasn’t; it was a terrible idea. “Luke’s dad is probably resting,” Hannah protested from the back seat. “I don’t think we should disturb him.”
“If the house is dark, we’ll leave,” Gabby promised. “But the poor man just got home from the hospital, and Luke’s been taking care of him alone all weekend. I’m sure they could use some cheering up.”
That might be true, but although both her imagination and a feeling of longing were strong, reality was another matter. Hannah didn’t want to be the person cheering up Luke, because he didn’t want her to be. He’d sent a text thanking her and her mother for the food, but it had been terse and impersonal.
“I just don’t want to intrude,” she said weakly, knowing she’d be overruled.
“We’ll be right behind you,” Gabby called to the other car, and they headed out across the dark, snowy landscape.
Thoughts of the closeness she’d shared with Luke pushed their way into Hannah’s mind even as she tried to forget the comfort of his arms, the warmth in his eyes. That evening at the barn had been one of the best of her life.
But Luke had backed off. Possible reasons why nagged at her. She’d been a bad kisser. He’d done it out of pity. He didn’t want to be involved. He’d thought better of it.
Even if he had wanted to pursue things, she couldn’t have done it because of her promise to keep Marnie’s secret.
She was well and truly stuck.
“Why are you so quiet?” Sheniqua, beside her in the back seat, asked in a low tone. “Do you really not want to go? Is something wrong?”
“I’m fine,” she said. Because she couldn’t explain the truth to her friends, either, or her mom. She’d never kept a secret like this before, so she hadn’t realized just how lonely it could be.
Following the other car, Gabby turned into Luke’s driveway and pulled up halfway. “Lights are still on,” she said. “Let’s go.”
A mixture of anticipation and dread put lead into Hannah’s feet, and she was the last one out of the car. Goldie barked wildly, but from inside the house, Hannah noted. The dog trainer in her was glad that Luke and his father were keeping the dog inside.
There was a scolding command and then Goldie’s barking stopped.
“‘Hark! The Herald,’ then ‘Good King Wenceslas,’” Samantha suggested.
“That’s so long, though.” Hannah was hoping that by the time Luke and his father realized what was happening, she and the other carolers would be on their way out.
“It’s a great story, though. Come on, cheer up.” Gabby put an arm around Hannah. “What’s got you so negative all of a sudden? You love caroling.” Then she looked from Hannah to Luke’s father’s house, and the light dawned. “Ohhh. Did something happen with Luke? I heard you got stuck at Rescue Haven for a while Friday night...”
Great, now it was obvious to everyone. “Nothing. No. It’s fine.” She pasted a smile on her face, fluffed her hair and wished she’d worn something prettier than a parka and baggy jeans.
As they sang, she tried to focus on the words, the mediocre-to-good-to-great voices of her friends, the chilly, damp air. Anything but the man inside the house who’d rocked her world, her whole life.
But it was to no avail. Being close to Luke, caring more and more about him, learning his ways and his history—all of it filled her heart with unfamiliar longings that could never come to pass.
The curtain at the front window twitched, then opened. There was Luke, adjusting his father against pillows. The older man was frowning and waving a hand, like he didn’t want to be there.
Hannah stopped singing and lifted a hand. “We should—” Then she noticed Luke’s face and snapped her mouth closed.
Luke looked older than she’d
ever seen him, with lines on his forehead and bags under his eyes. His face held a thick stubble, much thicker than Friday night; it looked like he hadn’t shaved since then.
He was doing yeoman’s service taking care of his cantankerous father. And at least he, apparently, wanted to hear the music, because he moved to open the window slightly.
Everyone waved to the pair and they went on singing, adding a spontaneous extra round of “Angels We Have Heard on High.” Luke’s father stopped protesting and just watched. When they ended, Luke applauded, and after an encouraging word from Luke, his father did, too.
Luke held up a finger. “Hang on a minute, I’ll come out.” He closed the window and the curtains.
“I think they liked it!” Gabby was smiling.
Sheniqua put an arm around Hannah. “See, that wasn’t so bad.”
“You’re right. I’m glad we came.”
And then Luke opened the door and she wasn’t so sure.
He walked out onto the porch in his bare feet, and they all clustered around and scolded him for that, and asked him how things were going, what he needed. He confessed he’d had a rough few days. He answered their questions about his father’s health and state of mind with a wry half smile that said it all: his father was healing, but wasn’t making Luke’s caregiving easy.
Hannah stayed to the back of the crowd, half wishing he would notice her, half hoping he wouldn’t.
And then he did, and he looked at her with such a strange mix of feelings in his face that Hannah felt overwhelmed with confusion. She hated herself for wanting him to care for her.
She couldn’t stand to wait and see more about how he felt.
There was a solution. She slipped back to the edge of the crowd and grabbed Sheniqua’s arm. “Look, I’m gonna run home,” she said. “It’s just next door.”
“But it’s dark...”
“I’m fine,” Hannah said. Yes, she was a coward, but sometimes the coward’s way was the best one.
* * *
Monday morning, Luke squealed into Rescue Haven’s gravel drive at 9:37 a.m. and rushed into the barn. “Sorry I’m late,” he called, and then realized that Hannah couldn’t hear him.
She was vacuuming the floor and just waved and kept working. She was definitely acting weird after their kiss Friday night, and he should probably address it with her. But she seemed so focused. And then he realized that this was the day the benefactors were coming to check on their progress. Great, just great.
He grabbed a pail and rag and started washing windows. The sun was out today, and the whole place would look better with sun coming in...which it couldn’t, given how dirty the windows were.
Once she turned off the vacuum to move some boxes, he called over to her. “Sorry I was late,” he said. “The home nurse got there on time, but Dad was being a pill and I didn’t want to leave until he’d settled down.”
“How’s he doing?” she asked, walking a few steps toward him.
He shook his head. “Physically, he’s healing pretty well. Mentally...” He spread his hands. “He hates being laid up. He wants a drink. It’s a struggle.” He paused, then added, “I didn’t get the chance to thank you for the caroling last night.” Because you took off like a herd of wolves was chasing you.
“Sure.” Suddenly she was back to being shy and embarrassed. She turned on the loud industrial vacuum cleaner abruptly and was off cleaning again.
An hour later, the place was sparkling, and while they still had a whole section of the barn to refloor and shelving to build, their progress was obvious. It was also obvious that they needed to talk—about the project and maybe about other stuff, as well. He sat on the bench and patted the seat beside him, and she sat down...as far away as possible.
She had to be thinking of that kiss, just as he was. But he was the older, more worldly one. He should take the bull by the horns.
“Look, we have to work together,” he said. “That kiss shouldn’t have happened.”
“I know.” She sounded miserable and she wouldn’t look at him. “I’m sorry I led you on.”
He stared at her bent head. “You didn’t lead me on.”
She didn’t seem to hear him. She just stared at her knees.
He wanted to reach out and hold her. That was what he wanted every time he saw her now, and it was what couldn’t happen. But he couldn’t let her misperception go unremarked. “Hey,” he said. “What’s wrong? Where are you going in your head?”
She looked at him, her eyes filled with a kind of pain he hadn’t known she had in her life.
“Where’s this coming from? What happened?”
“It’s nothing.” She waved a hand. Her eyes were teary, making her denial totally unconvincing.
“Tell me.” He moved to sit on the floor in front of her.
“Oh... I probably made too big a deal of it.”
He waited.
She sucked in a breath and let it out shakily. “Marnie had this boyfriend,” she said. “Maybe you knew him. Jack Anderson?”
Luke shook his head. “Doesn’t sound familiar.”
“Well, it’s just as well. He was a jerk.” She frowned. “He came upon me in the garage one day and, well...” She looked off across the barn. “He put his hands all over me.”
“That’s outrageous!” Indignation swelled in him. “You were how old?”
“Twelve,” she said. “It was terrible of him, but I shouldn’t have dressed the way I did.”
He reeled back. “Are you joking? Why would you blame his actions on how you were dressed?”
She shrugged. “He told me that was why he did it. My shorts were too short. My shirt was too tight. He couldn’t help it.”
“No.” Luke stood and paced a few steps away, then back again. “You were a child. I’m sure you didn’t even know what being provocative meant.”
“I didn’t,” she said. “But I did wear Marnie’s and Samantha’s hand-me-downs a lot, and some of them were probably too small. It’s just...it’s made me cautious. Around men.”
He stifled the growl that wanted to come out as he thought back. Hannah had been a cute, lively child, but he’d gone into the army before she got into her teens. Even when he’d been home on leave, he hadn’t seen much of her. “Did you tell anyone?”
“I told Marnie. She said not to bother Mom with it, that guys are just like that. She agreed with him that if I dressed that way, I was asking for it.”
“She was wrong.” He knelt in front of her. “Do you get that now? She was absolutely wrong.”
Hannah shrugged. “I kind of know that. And I know she was mad that her boyfriend had gone after me. She broke up with him soon after.”
“I would hope so.” He wanted to take her into his arms. Wanted to comfort her physically, but that was the last thing she needed after a story like that.
He cast his mind back where her story had started. “If that’s why you think you led me on, know that it’s absolutely not true,” he said. “No matter what you were wearing, I’d have no right to take any kind of advantage.”
“Oh, you didn’t. I was totally on board.” Then she blushed. “I mean, I shouldn’t have been, but I was.”
He tamped down the elation brought on by what she’d said. He stuck out a hand. “Friends?” he asked.
“Friends,” she agreed, her smile wide and open. She even gave him a quick hug.
He hugged her back. It was hard to let go.
And he realized that this, being friends with Hannah, was not going to be easy.
Chapter Twelve
Saturday was unseasonably warm for December, so Hannah and her mother decided it was the perfect day to take Christmas-card photos with the twins. Their purpose was twofold. Of course, they wanted to share holiday greetings and good wishes. But they also wanted to let acquaintances know what had happ
ened and that Marnie’s twins were settled down in Bethlehem Springs with family.
“I’ll get them into their Christmas outfits and do their hair,” Mom said. “You set up a pretty backdrop. Maybe against the big pine tree?”
“Sounds good. And thank you for not mentioning that I’m terrible with clothes and hair.” Hannah grinned wryly at her mother.
“You don’t try, that’s all.” Mom patted Hannah’s shoulder. “And speaking of, you should put on that red wool sweater, and I’ll wear mine. Jeans are good, but maybe try a touch of lipstick.”
Hannah made a face. “Do I have to?”
“No. You’re beautiful just as you are.”
Hannah hugged her mother, ran upstairs for her sweater and headed outside.
Pale winter sun shone, and with no breeze, Hannah was fine in a sweater and jeans. She moved a pretty wooden bench from the front porch to the evergreen tree, then brought a couple of poinsettias from the living room to set on either side of the bench. She pulled over a wooden rocking horse and an old-fashioned Speedy-Rite sled for props. Then she took a moment to sit on the bench to enjoy the day’s peace and quiet.
After the discussion she’d had with Luke, she felt lighter, freer. She’d never told anyone else about the incident with Marnie’s boyfriend, but it had haunted her for years. The fact that he’d listened, that he didn’t think it was her fault, took away the power she’d always given it.
She and Luke were working well together. The benefactors had had to put off their visit until next week, which had meant they could relax a little. Everyone from Rescue Haven thought Mr. Romano and Mrs. Markowski would be happy with the training area.
The back door opened and Addie toddled out, followed by Mom, who was holding Emmy. The twins wore matching red-and-white dresses, with knitted red caps and tights and fuzzy boots. They looked so adorable that tears came to Hannah’s eyes.
She hadn’t thought it possible to love them more than she had when she’d brought them home, but as it turned out, hearts could grow and love could grow. Now, her whole chest swelled with care and concern for them. Were she and Mom doing a good enough job? How was the absence of their mother affecting them inside?
Finding a Christmas Home Page 11
