by Palmer, Dee
“I fucked up, Tia, but I never stopped loving you.” He speaks with such raw honesty, I feel my heart breaking and healing at the same time. Maybe? “You have to give us a chance. I know you, Tia. The old you is still in there, and the new you isn’t so very different. Everyone deserves a second chance, and you’ll regret it if you don’t give us our chance. Aren’t you tired of regretting things you have the power to change? I know I am.” He tips my chin high so I can no longer avoid eye contact. His thumb brushes my lips, and sparks crackle under his loving touch. “It’s always been us, Tia. What are you afraid of?”
“Everything.”
“You’ve never been afraid of me, princess.” His touch is light and tender. I have nothing left.
“I am now.” My voice doesn’t sound like my own, and he gives me a knowing smile that feels very much like a deal already signed and sealed.
“And why is that?” His nose brushes against mine, his warm breath flooding my senses with its sweet intoxicating aroma.
“Because I want you so bad, I can’t think straight.” A stray tear bursts from my eye and trickles down my cheek. He catches it on the pad of his thumb and sucks it into his mouth. I swallow the thick lump blocking my throat before I speak. “You cloud my mind.”
“Tonight is about us, just us, okay?”
“Convenient.” I try to look away, but he dips to keep the contact. I can see in his eyes he’s just as afraid, for different reasons I’m sure, but we’re both balancing on a knife edge here, fragile and precarious.
“Necessary. I want you Tia, and unless you tell me to stop, this is happening. I’ve been waiting my whole damn life for this, and I can’t wait a moment longer.” His hand threads around the back of my neck, and he pulls me flush against him, I hadn’t noticed that I had begun to edge away, but he did.
“Cass,” I gasp. I know I’ve lost the ability to think straight, and now I’m simply struggling to breathe.
“Yes?”
I open my mouth again, but there is no sound. I don’t trust myself to speak.
“You said the problem was that you remember everything?” he reminds me and I nod.
“I do.” I’m crumbling.
“Well, do you remember you loved me once?”
“I do.” I don’t know what’s holding me together as my resolve is in tatters and my knees weaken.
“And do you remember how fiercely I loved you back?”
“Yes.” I mouth the reply, not sure if I’m still making audible sounds. His next words tell me that I am, for now.
“Good, because for me that hasn’t changed.” He dips and lifts me smoothly into his arms, his eyes burning with such desire, I feel dizzy. If he didn’t have me cosseted in his strong embrace, I would be a puddle on the floor. I didn’t notice in the soft light, but the fort of pillows surrounds a deep mattress with sheets and more pillows. He carefully steps over the ‘wall’ and reverently lays me down. He holds his body half off, half over mine, supporting all his weight on one side.
“Tell me now, Tia, if you want me to stop.” His voice is gravelly and strained. As calm as he seems, he can’t hide this, and it gives me a little comfort that he is struggling just as much as I am. Inevitable.
“I don’t want you to stop.” I exhale, and my lips curl upward in a freeing smile. It feels good, right up to the moment he crushes it from my face.
It’s not like we haven’t kissed before, or maybe it is, because this feels so different. His tongue entwines with mine, controlling the movement and demanding my compliance. The friction of the soft tissue sends a wave of tingles that start at the contact and fire off in every direction across my skin. His hand cups the back of my neck, and his fingers spear into my hair, moving my head to gain better access, as if he can’t quite get enough. He groans into my mouth when he drops his weight onto my body, and I sigh. His erection feels like burning steel against my thigh, and I wantonly hook my leg over his arse and grind against the massive bulge.
He smiles against my mouth, and I do the same, and when he pulls back, I can see the joy crinkling his eyes. He looks so young, I wonder for a magical moment if we did manage to time travel after all, and right now we are just where we were supposed to be. I want that so much, tears fall from the corner of my eyes, and I can’t wipe them away quick enough. I hate that I want that to be true when I know wishes change nothing, nothing.
“Don’t, Tia, please, baby, please don’t cry.” He peppers my face with kisses so soft and tender that more tears fall. His fingers dry the stray tears his lips fail to catch.
“This won’t change a thing, Cass, and I hate that we lost our moment. It fucking hurts.” I suck back the rising sob, because I know if I let it out, it will consume us both.
“It’s unbearable.” He drops his forehead to mine, looking at me through long lashes that frame soul sad eyes, which breaks my fucking heart all over again. “This though…this changes everything.” The truth in his words holds me captive, and I can’t even draw a breath to respond. He speaks after the longest time of just staring into me. “I’ll spend every day for the rest of my life making it up to you, Tia. I promise.” I squeeze my eyes shut, but I can’t shake my head; his hand still holds it firmly.
“I told you not to—” I whisper my objection, but his interruption is emphatic.
“I promise.” It’s not an idle threat; it’s a declaration, and I so want to believe.
His mouth covers mine, swallowing any remaining resistance and consuming me with such passion and urgency, in this moment at least, I am completely his, and I want to be.
His hands sweep every part of my body, loosening and removing clothes as they go. Mine do the same, and when we are both fully naked, I gasp at the sight.
He’s like an angel. The soft glow of the flickering flames lights the curves and the lines of muscles on his arms, across his chest and abdomen. Ripples of solid muscle flex and contract with each laboured breath, and when I peek down between our bodies, I whimper. His thick cock, too hard to be lying heavily, just bobs between us and is too damn tempting for me not to tilt my hips and close the gap. He hooks my thigh over his, and his large hand presses my arse cheek so my liquid core slides against his length. He controls the speed and pressure of this unbelievably erotic grind perfectly. I close my eyes at the utter bliss assaulting my senses. Sparks sizzle, and my greedy body pushes against him for more contact, more pressure, more pace…more cock.
“Cass,” I plead against his mouth. My fingernails bite into the rock solid muscle of his fine arse with little effect.
“Something you want, princess?”
“Don’t tease me, Cass. I’ve waited too long for this,” I unashamedly plead.
“I have no intention of teasing you, baby, well, not this time.” His deep kiss makes my toes curl, and he draws back so slowly, sucking in my bottom lip, that I have to question whether the teasing comment was in fact a lie. This is torture.
He presses the tip of his cock right at my entrance. My eyes drift shut, and my whole body thrums with anticipation.
“Look at me, princess.” His deep voice rumbles with his warm breath across my lips. His glare is so incendiary, I feel the burn in my soul. “I want to see you when I do this.”
“Oh, my god!” I gasp out in between little pants as he inches inside of me, filling every bit of space and deliciously stretching me until I am full of him. He nudges just a little more, and I suck in a sharp breath filled with pain and pleasure, mostly pleasure.
He secures his arm tightly around my waist and rolls us, so he is on his back, and then he sits and pulls me back down, firmly back in place, impaled. I wrap my legs around his waist, and he opens his legs to allow me to drop fully onto him. His large hands support my arse and hold me firm. His eyes are fixed on mine, and we’re nose-to-nose, lip-to-lip, with ragged breaths mingling, just absorbing each other and this perfect moment.
But it’s not perfect. I wish it was, but there’s so much wrong with us, with me… a
nd Logan. God what the hell am I doing?
“Stop, stop thinking, Tia, just feel.” His hands move and massage my round flesh, pulling my body onto his, making me ride his cock and meet his deep, nerve-tingling thrusts.
“Ahh.” I throw my head back in ecstasy as my shaky moral compass is shattered with the here and now.
“Look at me, Tia.” His voice is strained, and I can feel him swell inside me, enough to make my eyes water. “Jesus, you feel amazing. I want you to come with me.”
“Not gonna be able to control that one, Cass. I’m not that good.” I start to laugh, but stop when my tummy muscles contract, and a shot of pain makes me freeze mid-breath. He chuckles and jerks his hips to hit that perfect spot, and I shudder with pleasure.
“Oh, princess, you are so much better than good. You’re fucking perfect.” He brings one hand around to where we’re joined and skims his thumb over my clit, and I jolt from the shock of his touch. I feel the spark at the base of my spine, igniting an almighty burst of electricity that fires every nerve alive. He keeps the right amount of pressure, avoiding a direct hit, but building insurmountable pleasure in small circles that match the impossibly deep penetration of his cock. This combination, coupled with the gentle roll of his hips, and the way he is just staring right into me I know I’m in the arms of an angel, seconds away from heaven.
“Cass, I…I…”
“I know, baby, I can feel you squeezing like crazy, just let go. I’m right with you…all…the…way.” His fingers grip my arse so hard the imprint will last for days. He moves his arm up and around my waist, wrapping me in an embrace so tight, there’s no space for air. His lips consume mine, his tongue stealing the last of my breath as my climax grips us both, climbing so high only his strong hold has us tethered to earth. I can no longer keep my eyes open, and I bury my head in his neck as shuddering vibrations wrack my body, uncontrollable and violent tremors shaking us both. I cling to him as he wrings out the very last of my climax from my weak body, filling me with his own release.
I have been walking for hours, and my legs ache almost as much as my heart. My calf muscles scream with each step, and I must have blisters the size of saucers, yet nothing hurts as much as seeing Cass in the distance. The Hall dominates the horizon, but I can see him like the day isn’t fading, and he is generating his own light.
He’s standing on the gate of the walled garden looking out across the parkland. He spots me, drops to the ground, and hits it running. My stomach plummets even as my heart kicks up a few extra beats. I woke just before dawn, snuck out from under Cass’s heavy arm, and left him dead to the world. It’s dusk now.
I had to get out.
I’m a mess.
I needed to wander through my past to try and figure out what I’m doing with my future. These fields and paths, I must have walked a thousand times, a lifetime ago. This was my childhood, and although they might be a little overgrown in places, I would know them blindfolded. I sat under the tree Cass carved our names in until my arse was numb, hoping for some sort of divine intervention, but I guess you have to believe to get that sort of help.
I’m so conflicted. I know I didn’t steal that bracelet, and other than in the police cell, Cass hasn’t mentioned that part of my past. He’s certainly intimated as much that he knows the truth, but he’s never told me why. I guess I didn’t actually ask, even if I know why. To me, it didn’t matter, the net result is the same, and he obviously didn’t love me enough to stand up when I needed him. I’d convinced myself nothing he said would make a difference, so I just didn’t care, only now…now, I just don’t know.
I wish I had my burner phone.
I really could use some Ghost advice to help me see straight, because all I can see is a confusing swirl of piercing blues that make my soul burn and warm chocolate eyes that make my heart weep.
“Where the hell have you been? Fuck, Tia, I nearly called the police.” He skids to a stop and isn’t remotely breathless despite the near full half mile he’s just run. His eyes checking up and down, settle on mine, and are filled with concern and relief.
“Oh, I don’t think that’s a good idea.” I sniff out a hollow laugh that falls ominously silent between us.
“No?” His tone is cautious, and the instant tension is palpable. I can feel that my wall is now at full strength.
“We need to talk.” I straighten and go to walk past, when he steps to block my path.
“So talk.” I feel I should step back. He’s on a slight incline, and it makes his body seem that much bigger, more imposing, and his scowl makes me falter. I draw in a fortifying breath and tip my chin. He doesn’t scare me. Well, he scares me a little, but I’m not the one in danger here, so I square myself and talk.
“What if I told you I found your money, but I’m not giving it back?” I cross my arms at the chill flashing across my body when his eyes narrow to icy slits.
“I’d say you’re not a thief, Tia, so don’t start now.” His jaw jumps with the tension, and his voice is tempered anger I can only see because his knuckles are pure white.
“You see, that’s really interesting, Cass, because why would you say that?” I soften my voice and my defensive stance, dropping one hip and tapping the corner of my mouth like I’m pondering the same question I just posed.
“I know you,” he states flatly, and I smile with apparent pleasure.
“You have one chance to tell me why, Cass, so choose your next words wisely,” I advise.
“Princess.” He reaches and I let him stroke his finger along my jaw. I don’t respond even if the hairs on my neck might spark to life at his touch; he can’t see that thankfully.
“Not your princess, Cass. Tell me why I’m not a thief,” I retort and watch as he pulls his hand back like I’ve bitten him.
“I need that fucking money, Tia. You don’t understand,” he snaps, and I scoff out loud.
“Really? I don’t understand that it’s really three hundred million missing or that your mother has been gambling with the company’s pension fund? Or that you owe a small fortune to some very nasty Russians? Or that your mother has racked up debt you can’t possibly repay in ten lifetimes?” He remains impassive. “Which bit of that don’t I understand?” His eyes widen briefly, until, just as quickly, he checks himself. He steps closer, and I stand my ground.
“It wasn’t my money to begin with.” His cool breath brushes over my face, and his icy glare freezes my heart.
“What?” I respond. I must look the picture of confusion at the curve ball of a conversation change.
“I’m sorry.” He holds my questioning gaze and steps one foot away.
“For what bit, Cass?” I ask, too distracted to notice his change in stance, and I’m an idiot for not recognising the need for distance.
“For this.” He steps closer and wraps a strong arm around my waist, imprisoning me with the strength of the hold. His lips smash against mine, and then he bites my neck. No wait, he can’t be doing that, he’s still kissing me. It must be a sting, not a bite. He pulls back, and I see the needle in his hand. Where did that come from? I feel the rush of air hit my lungs as I fight to breathe, then a sudden, woozy, swirling, heavy darkness and then…nothing.
“Fuuuuuuuuuck!” I sweep my arm across my desk, effectively relocating everything in one swoop and at high speed to the floor. Rage boiling my blood, all I can see is red mist. I can’t contain the violent fury inside me, I’m so fucking mad. I roar out a howl that scours my throat raw and leaves me breathless when I finally finish. My heart is hammering so hard I have to press the heel of my hand at the centre of my chest. I don’t know if I’m trying to ease the agony or contain the heartbreak. I feel I’m teetering on the edge of devastation and only the sheer sense of utter disbelief is keeping me from diving head first into the abyss.
How could she?
I cast an impassive glance around the room at the destruction. My laptops are in pieces, my phones are shot-to-shit broken, papers everywhere, my
bottle of beer shattered, and the half constructed model of the Coliseum is totally fucked, and I just can’t bring myself to care.
I bend to pick up one curve of the structure that I painstakingly carved to be an exact replica. I had started this to pass time, try something new, something to distract me while Tia was elsewhere. I feel the slice of a real blade in my chest at the same time the splinters from the model cut my hand in my ever-tightening grip. When I hear the front door close, the pain in my heart finally brings me to my knees.
How could she?
The desk is now clear, with everything now at my feet, broken and in pieces. Apt.
I drag my hands through my hair as I start to feel a toxic and much more familiar emotion begin to cloak and suffocate my messed up mind.
Hatred.
It’s pure and potent, and I feel it like a noxious energy seeping into every pore, every fibre, working it’s way to my heart. It surprises me how quickly it takes hold, but I guess it’s not such a shock, discovering the ticket was the beginning. I just didn’t know it was the beginning of the end.
I couldn’t hate anyone or anything more than I hate her right now. I place my hands flat on the floor and brace my frame as tension grips my muscles and my mind races with everything. I suck in deep, steadying breaths, which do little to calm me; I doubt anything will.
That lying bitch has lived under my roof all this time. I took her in; she’d still be on the streets if it wasn’t for me. I wish I’d kicked her out that first night, but those fucking eyes drew me in from the moment we locked gazes, and now I know why. I was her fucking target.
But why?
I thought we were something, something real. I fucking felt it. Was it really all a lie? God I hate this, hate what she’s done to me and for what? I honestly thought the ticket was a stupid mistake she could easily explain, I never dreamed it was so much more. If I’d genuinely believed it would alter our lives so drastically, well fuck, I wouldn’t have made love to her like that. If I’d truly thought the discussion was going to end us, I would’ve raised the issue the moment she stepped inside my home, or maybe I wouldn’t have. Fuck, I don’t know, and it doesn’t fucking matter, she made her choice. She wouldn’t tell me the truth.
