An Author's Odyssey

by Chris Colfer

  The Winkies and card soldiers were gaining speed and moving closer to the carriage. Goldilocks nodded to Jack and he whistled. Suddenly, Sir Grant and Sir Lampton appeared with dozens of their men on horseback. They formed a protective circle around the carriage of royals and knocked the approaching Literary soldiers to the ground.

  “Sir Lampton, is that you?” Cinderella said.

  “Hello, Your Majesty,” he said. “I wish the circumstances were different, but I’m very pleased to see you’re alive!”

  Sir Grant and Sir Lampton’s men weren’t alone—they shared their horses with the Lost Boys from Neverland. When they were close enough, Tootles, Nibs, Curly, and the Lost twins jumped off their horses and landed in the carriage with the royals. The Lost Boys pulled slingshots out of their pockets and launched rocks at the Winkies and card soldiers, hitting them in the face and knocking them off their horses.

  “This is fun!” Tootles said.

  “Let’s make it a game!” Curly said.

  “Ten points for the big square ones, and five for the gold guys,” Nibs decided.

  “Deal!” the Lost twins said.

  The Lost Boys giggled so hard watching the Winkies and cards fall off their horses that tears streamed down their rosy faces. They hadn’t had this much fun since they left Neverland.

  Thanks to the Lost Boys and Sir Grant and Sir Lampton’s men, the number of Literary soldiers trailing the carriage had significantly lowered. But there were still plenty of Winkies and cards left to be concerned about. Luckily, the rescue party was close to the next phase of their plan.

  As they raced farther into the forest, Goldilocks spotted an arrow sticking into the side of a tree—it was a sign!

  “Jack, I see the arrow!” she said. “We’re almost to the Merry Men!”

  Porridge, Buckle, and Oats were getting tired and starting to slow down, so Jack was relieved to hear it. He whistled toward the treetops as loudly as he could.

  “WAS THAT THE WHISTLE WE’VE BEEN WAITING FOR, OR DO MY EARS DECEIVE ME?” shouted a boisterous voice from the trees.

  Jack rolled his eyes and whistled again.

  “THERE IT IS AGAIN! OUR TIME HAS COME, MERRY MEN! ATTACK!”

  Robin Hood and his Merry Men swung down from the treetops on ropes like monkeys on vines. Little John, Alan-a-Dale, and Will Scarlet slammed into the Winkies and cards. They knocked them to the ground and stole their horses. Robin Hood flipped through the air, landing in the carriage with the royals. He took off his hat and bowed to the queens.

  “HAVE NO FEAR, LADIES, FOR THE TRUE HERO HAS ARRIVED!” he said. He winked at them flirtatiously and kissed Rapunzel’s hand, which Sir William didn’t appreciate.

  “Gosh, I really hate that guy,” Jack whispered to Goldilocks.

  Robin Hood reached for the bow and quiver of arrows fastened to the back of his vest and joined the Lost Boys in shooting Winkies and cards off their horses. After hitting a few, the Prince of Thieves grew cocky and started showing off for the queens, striking ridiculous poses as he fired.

  “DON’T BE INTIMIDATED, LOST BOYS,” he said, and rubbed Tootles’s head. “BATTLE IS MEANT FOR MEN.”

  Tootles snapped his slingshot against Robin Hood’s buttocks, causing him to squeal like an injured swine.

  “Tootles, save it for the enemy!” Goldilocks reprimanded.

  “Sorry, it slipped!” Tootles said.

  By now, the Winkies and card soldiers had all been knocked to the ground or had retreated to the Northern Palace. However, the chase wasn’t over yet. Piercing screeches echoed through the forest as the flying monkeys descended upon the rescue party.

  Jack whistled again. “Peter, it’s your turn!” he yelled.

  Like a rocket, Peter Pan flew out from underneath the carriage where he had been hiding. It happened so fast, he startled the royal families. The Boy Who Never Grew Up handed two bags of firecrackers to Little John and Alan-a-Dale, and matches to Will Scarlet. The Merry Men tossed the firecrackers to Will Scarlet, and once he lit them, Peter quickly scooped them up. The boy flew above the treetops and threw the firecrackers at the approaching flying monkeys.

  Each explosion shocked and discombobulated the flying monkeys, and they fluttered to the ground. Peter and the Merry Men continued their firecracker relay until all the flying monkeys had dropped from the sky.

  “Take THAT, you overgrown bats!” Peter chuckled.

  Trollbella watched Peter Pan in astonishment. Her heart was beating so fast, if it had wings, she could have joined him in flight.

  “It’s like I was beheaded and went to heaven!” she said. “He’s just like Butterboy—but he floats and sparkles! I didn’t know a boy so wonderful could exist! Stop it, Trollbella! Pull yourself together! You promised yourself you wouldn’t love again until the world was in better condition!”

  Still, the Troblin Queen tried to catch the trails of fairy dust Peter left as he flew beside the carriage.

  Finally free from the Masked Man’s Literary Army, the royals and their rescuers could all breathe a little easier. Goldilocks and Jack took the reins of their horses and steered them into a sharp left, leading the party straight into the Dwarf Forests.

  “Where are we going?” Snow White asked.

  “Someplace the Masked Man and his army will never find us,” Goldilocks said.

  “Now, everyone keep as quiet as possible,” Jack instructed. “The less noise we make, the better.”

  The royals obeyed his instructions. The rescue party spent the rest of the day traveling deeper and deeper into the Dwarf Forests. The kings and queens glanced around nervously at the thick forest, as most of them had never been to these parts before. They kept waiting for something frightening to appear, but the forest that infamously housed the most dangerous creatures and criminals in the fairy-tale world seemed rather empty.

  They reached a hilly part of the woods just before nightfall. Goldilocks stopped the procession in front of a large boulder sticking into the hillside. She covered her mouth and made a peculiar shape with her hands.

  “Coo-KOO, coo-KOO!” she called.

  The birdcall echoed through the forest. The party waited anxiously in silence. A moment later, a faint birdcall came from somewhere beyond the boulder.

  “Coo-coo-KA, coo-coo-KA.”

  The boulder was slowly rolled away by two monstrous black bears, revealing a hidden tunnel in the hillside. The sight of the bears frightened the royals and they held one another closely.

  “Don’t be scared, they’re with us,” Goldilocks whispered. “If anyone has reservations about bears, it’s me.”

  The carriage moved into the tunnel, and the men on horseback followed. Once the entire rescue party was inside, the bears rolled the boulder back so the entrance was hidden again. The rescue party traveled down the tunnel for several hundred feet and then entered a cavernous mine.

  The ground was covered in cart tracks that stretched into more tunnels going deeper into the hillside. Thousands of fireflies covered the stalactites above, illuminating the dark cave like earthy chandeliers. Dozens of sheets and quilts were draped over stalagmites to make several tents.

  The royal families were very surprised to see they were among hundreds of other refugees. Families of humans, elves, trolls, and goblins were dispersed throughout the mine. There were also several groups of animals: foxes, wolves, badgers, bears, and birds of every kind. Even the animals were taking shelter during this terrible time—which explained why the forest was so empty.

  There were a few familiar faces among the hideaways as well. Hagetta and Friar Tuck were cooking a meal together in a large cauldron. The Traveling Tradesman, the old geezer who sold Jack the magic beans that grew the infamous beanstalk, sat against a stalagmite as he counted a collection of chicken feet he kept in a small sack.

  Queen Red Riding Hood was in the back of the mine, quietly sitting alone. Her granny and the Little Old Woman from the Shoe Inn sat nearest to her, knitting quilts to make more tent
s. Slightly, the Lost Boy who had turned into a baby thanks to a youth potion, was taking a nap in a bassinet beside the older women. Blubo, a young flying monkey, was curled up in the bassinet beside him. Thanks to Granny’s bad eyesight, she thought he was an extremely furry infant.

  Being the pets of high-maintenance women, Clawdius and Lester had become fast friends when they were brought to the mine. The animals also napped together, taking turns using the other as a pillow.

  Rook Robins and his father sat in a group with others from their village. Since he had nearly gotten the royals killed a year earlier, seeing them filled Rook with unbearable guilt. He excused himself from his group and took a walk through the tunnels to be alone.

  The rescue party’s entrance caused quite a commotion. Everyone was so happy to see the royal families were alive that the mine vibrated with emotional cheers. The refugees surrounded the carriage and welcomed their leaders to the only sanctuary left in the fairy-tale world.

  “Thank the heavens you’re all right!” Hagetta said.

  “All our prayers have been answered!” Friar Tuck said.

  Jack climbed down from Buckle and then carefully helped Goldilocks off Porridge, an act that became increasingly difficult as Goldilocks’s pregnant belly grew every day. It was only a matter of time before they welcomed their child into the world; they only wished a better world awaited it.

  Robin Hood and the Merry Men eagerly helped the queens down from the carriage, kissing their hands as they did so, which greatly annoyed their husbands.

  “Where are we?” Sleeping Beauty asked.

  “We’re in an abandoned dwarf mine in the West Hills of the Dwarf Forests,” Goldilocks said. “It’s not the extravagance you’re used to, but we’ll be safe here. Very few people know it exists and it’s miles from the parts of the woods being burned down.”

  “We were taking shelter in a small cave in the Northern Mountains, but as you can see, our numbers have grown,” Jack said.

  “Where are all these people and creatures from?” King Chase asked.

  “All over the kingdoms,” Goldilocks said. “They’re the few who managed to escape the Masked Man’s army. Just like you, they’ve lost everything they had.”

  The royals were very sympathetic to the people around them, but clearly had hesitations about sharing the mine with the creatures from the forest.

  “I assure you, everyone and everything in this mine is safe,” Sir Lampton said. “We’re all united by the same enemy and must stay so if we want to reclaim our world.”

  The royal families looked among themselves and nodded.

  “You won’t find any objection from us,” Empress Elvina said on the royals’ behalf. “We need to put aside our differences from the past, otherwise there’ll be no hope for the future.”

  Since the elves had a long history of being ostracized by the other kingdoms, the empress’s words spoke volumes. They had already lost so much; unity was something they couldn’t afford to lose next.

  “Where are all the fairies?” Rapunzel asked.

  “In hiding, hopefully,” Goldilocks said.

  “Is it true the Fairy Council was turned to stone?” Trollbella asked.

  “We don’t know,” Jack said with a long sigh. “Shortly after the kingdoms were attacked, Alex and Conner went to the Fairy Kingdom to find the council and get help, but they never came back.”

  Everyone in the mine looked to the ground with worried eyes and a heavy heart. This was the most distressing news of all. Without the Fairy Council or the Bailey twins, how would they ever defeat the Masked Man and his Literary Army? The future looked even bleaker than it had before.

  “Alex was right,” Cinderella said. “The Fairy Council should have listened to her. Had they gone after the Masked Man like she requested, none of this would have happened.”

  “What about Charlie or that monster who took him?” King Chandler asked. “Has anyone tracked down their whereabouts?”

  All the refugees turned to Red, but the queen remained silent. She didn’t have the strength to relive it.

  “Red and the Lost Boys found him at Morina’s cottage,” Goldilocks said. “The witch has imprisoned him inside a magic mirror. They also found the missing children from the Corner and Charming Kingdoms—they’re under some sort of spell that’s draining their youth.”

  With everything else that had happened, the royals had almost forgotten about the missing children.

  “Can’t we plan a rescue for them, too?” Rapunzel asked.

  “The children have been cursed with very dark magic,” Hagetta explained. “Moving them from their beds may take their life force away completely.”

  “But what about Charlie?” King Chandler asked. “How do we get him out of the mirror?”

  “We can’t,” Red said weakly. “Once you’re imprisoned in a magic mirror, it’s nearly impossible to be freed. It takes powerful magic to put someone inside a mirror, but even more powerful magic to take someone out.”

  “She’s right,” said Snow White. “My stepmother spent her whole life trying to free the man from her mirror. She was as determined and capable as anyone, and even she needed the Wishing Spell to do it.”

  The Charming brothers didn’t want to believe it, but there was no escaping the truth. There wasn’t a silver lining in sight—for any of their worries.

  “They’re no longer missing if we know their location,” Cinderella said. “We must find comfort where we can, otherwise we’ll worry ourselves to death. God willing, the children and Charlie will be among many things we salvage in the months ahead.”

  “Yes, but how do we begin salvaging anything?” Sir William asked. “Have we ever faced a threat with such disadvantages?”

  It seemed every question was only followed with more terrible news, so everyone in the mine went silent. No one wanted to accept defeat, but the little hope surviving in their hearts was dying fast. If something didn’t happen soon, the fairy-tale world as they knew it would be gone forever.

  The tense silence was broken by the Traveling Tradesman, who had been biting his tongue up to this moment.

  “Ah-hum.” He coughed.

  All the refugees in the mine rolled their eyes at the old geezer. Clearly, he was very unpopular among the survivors. When no one gave him the floor, the old man tried to get their attention again.

  “Ah-HUM!” He coughed even louder.

  Hagetta was the only one with enough patience to acknowledge him. “Yes, what is it, old man?” she asked.

  “May I offer a suggestion?” the Traveling Tradesman asked.

  His question was immediately followed by a chorus of loud sighs. Every time the Tradesman opened his mouth he only filled their heads with nonsense. But, to be fair to the old man, Jack raised his hands and silenced the exasperated crowd.

  “Unless someone else has a suggestion to share, there’s no point in discrediting his,” he said.

  Red grunted dramatically. “Everyone cover your ears,” she said. “I’ve heard crazy is contagious in small quarters.”

  Despite the rudeness he received from his peers, the Traveling Tradesman went to the center of the mine so everyone could see him, and he offered them his suggestion.

  “Perhaps we’re all looking at the situation from the wrong perspective,” he said. “In times as troubling as these, let’s not torture ourselves further with questions we don’t have the answers to—let’s ask the rocks!”

  He proposed the idea as if everyone else was supposed to know what he was talking about.

  “ASK THE ROCKS?” Robin Hood said. “MERRY MEN, I BELIEVE THE STRANGE OLD MAN IS OFF HIS ROCK-ER!”

  Robin Hood laughed wildly at his own joke, but no one joined him. The Tradesman was frustrated that he had to explain himself.

  “Not just any rocks!” he said. “In my possession, I happen to have precious premonition stones that are directly connected to the will of the fates!”

  The wacky old man reached for his sto
nes, but they were missing from his belt. He spun around in circles, looking all over the ground for where he might have dropped them.

  “Where on earth are my precious stones?” he demanded. “Has anyone seen them? They were in a skunk-skin sack.”

  All five of the Lost Boys turned bright red.

  “Oops,” Tootles said. “We might have used those during the rescue.”

  “You did WHAT?” the Tradesman yelled. “Those rocks are thousands of years old! They’re meant for predicting the future, not slingshots!”

  “Sorry, we didn’t mean to!” Tootles said.

  “They didn’t look like special rocks to us,” Curly said.

  “You really shouldn’t leave your stones lying around,” Nibs said.

  “Yeah! There are kids in here!” the Lost twins said.

  The Tradesman sat on the ground and wrapped his arms around his head. “Now what am I supposed to use to predict the will of the fates?” he asked.

  The Lost Boys checked their pockets.

  “Would marbles work?” Tootles asked.

  The Traveling Tradesman let out a deep, apprehensive sigh. “Very well—hand them over.”

  Tootles poured a small bag of colorful marbles into the Tradesman’s shaky hands. He closed his eyes, rubbed the marbles together, and whispered strange gibberish to them. Finally, he threw them on the ground in front of him and carefully watched them bounce and roll into one another.

  “Interesting,” he said. “Very interesting.”

  The Tradesman hemmed and hawed as if the marbles were speaking a language only he understood. It was much more of an ordeal than the refugees were expecting. Curiosity got the best of them and they formed a circle around him.

  “What are the marbles saying?” Jack asked.

  “Don’t be ridiculous—marbles don’t speak! They simply move as the fates command,” the Tradesman said. “You see this gray one? Dull, dreary, and stuck in the dirt—that represents us! See the blue one and the pink one, moving together in perfect unison away from the gray—those must represent the twins! Fear not, the Baileys are alive!”