An Author's Odyssey

by Chris Colfer

  Alex was intrigued by the captain’s theory. She wondered if every fictional story she had ever read was more of an author’s discovery than his or her idea. Perhaps imagination was a subconscious map to uncharted worlds of the cosmos. It certainly would explain why her grandmother’s Portal Potion was so effective—it didn’t create the world the text described, but simply provided a doorway into a world that had always been there.

  Conner was getting a headache trying to understand it himself. “That sounds really deep and complex, but you’re missing the point!” he said. “I’m trying to tell you that Smoky-Sails Sam’s fleet is headed here right now! He’s planning to kill all of you and take back the Heart of the Caribbean! But if you listen to us, we can help you avoid him!”

  “How?” Admiral Jacobson asked.

  “By helping my sister and me,” Conner explained. “I’m about to make you an offer—it’s going to be hard to grasp, so we might want to sit for this.”

  Auburn Sally, the admiral, and the twins took seats around the long table.

  “Do you want me to explain this part?” Alex asked.

  “I told you, I got this,” Conner said, and cleared his throat. “You know that subconscious sea of other worlds you were just talking about? Well, for all intents and purposes, it exists! There’s another world that’s in big trouble—one I didn’t write about. All our friends live there and a horrible army has invaded it. My sister and I are recruiting people from a bunch of different worlds to help us fight the army. If you come with us and help us defeat them, we’ll bring you right back here.”

  Conner grinned like he was being more than generous. The captain and the admiral exchanged a puzzled look—something didn’t add up.

  “That’s not an offer,” Auburn Sally said. “An offer is an exchange. Taking us away from our problems, making us fight for you, then bringing us right back to our problems isn’t an exchange—it’s just more work for us.”

  “She’s got a point,” Alex said.

  “Okay,” Conner said, and quickly thought about something appealing to offer. “Well, if you help us, I’ll tell you how you defeat Smoky-Sails Sam.”

  The captain and the admiral nodded as they considered it. Jacobson whispered something into Auburn Sally’s ear, like an attorney speaking with his client.

  “So you’re telling us we defeat Smoky-Sails Sam?” the captain asked. “Regardless of whether we help you or not?”

  “Duh!” Conner said with a snort. “That’s the whole point of this story.”

  Alex slapped a hand against her forehead. Her brother was oblivious to what Auburn Sally was implying. She appointed herself as his attorney and pulled him aside to whisper in his ear.

  “Conner, you basically just told them they don’t need to help you,” she whispered. “You need to make them an offer they can’t refuse.”

  “Oh, dang it!” he said. “I should never have written them to be so cunning. Thanks for the heads-up.”

  The twins turned back to the captain and the admiral. Conner let out a low, slow, and menacing chuckle.

  “Silly, silly Sally,” he said. “What you don’t know is that the road to victory is long and tedious. There are dozens of battles, hundreds of casualties, and thousands of miles awaiting you. It takes years to learn what I could tell you in a matter of seconds. If you help us, I will give you the shortcut to your triumph, and save you a ton of hassle. You’d be sparing your ship from a lot of damage and even saving the lives of a few of your crew.”

  Auburn Sally and Admiral Jacobson whispered between themselves again. They both knew they would have to face Smoky-Sails Sam eventually; there was no way of getting around it. If Conner could supply them with information on how to do it efficiently, they would have to consider his offer seriously.

  They turned to the twins and presented a counteroffer.

  “We’ll help you if you help us defeat Smoky-Sails Sam first,” Auburn Sally said.

  Conner was about to rip his hair out. He silently vowed never to write another smart character into one of his stories ever again.

  “Deal,” he said through a clenched jaw.

  Conner and Auburn Sally shook hands over the table. Alex wasn’t convinced the captain and the admiral were being truthful and pulled her brother aside one final time.

  “How do you know they’re being honest?” she whispered.

  “Because I wrote them to be just as trustworthy as they are calculating,” he said. “And I’ll remind them about that shipwreck in the sequel!”

  “Let’s discuss the details of our victory over dinner,” Auburn Sally said. “I’m famished. Negotiating always gives me an appetite.”

  It had been hours since their last meal, so the twins were glad to hear it. The captain rang a bell and a few moments later, Fish-Lips Lucy entered the chambers pushing a cart with several covered serving trays. The quarters filled with a delectable aroma and the twins began salivating and their stomachs growled.

  “Conner, what did you write for dinner?” Alex asked.

  “Tomato soup, mashed potatoes, and rosary chicken,” Conner said, and licked his lips.

  “Rosary chicken?” she asked. “Did you mean rotisserie chicken?”

  “Oh no,” he said fearfully.

  Fish-Lips Lucy uncovered the largest serving tray, and rather than a delicious roasted chicken, she revealed a live chicken wearing a Catholic rosary. The chicken panicked and fluttered amok around the chambers, squawking loudly and shedding feathers wherever she went.

  Auburn Sally gave Fish-Lips Lucy a dirty look. “The chicken seems a little undercooked,” she said.

  “Sorry, Captain,” Fish-Lips Lucy said. “I knew I was forgetting something.”

  Suddenly, Siren Sue burst into the chambers, causing everyone to jump and forget all about the chicken. Her eyes were large and she was out of breath, like she had come in a hurry.

  “Forgive my intrusion, Captain!” Siren Sue huffed. “I saw smoke rising on the horizon behind the ship! I inspected it and saw a fleet of ships coming this way! Smoky-Sails Sam is following us!”

  The captain, the admiral, and the twins stood up so fast, they knocked silverware and plates off the table. Auburn Sally darted to the large windows in the back of her chambers and looked through a telescope beside her desk.

  “It’s Smoky-Sails Sam, all right,” the captain said, and then jerked her head toward Conner. “I thought you said we had until morning.”

  He racked his brain trying to figure out why they were so early. “It’s because I rushed the battle!” he said. “There was smoke in the sky earlier than there should have been! You and the admiral were supposed to exchange a lot more witty banter before the first cannon fired! I accidentally gave Smoky-Sails Sam a head start!”

  Auburn Sally put on her hat and coat and immediately went into damage-control mode. “Lucy and Sue, tell the women to drop the sails at once,” she ordered. “I want every candle and lantern on this ship extinguished—we’ll be harder to follow in darkness. Also, free the sailors from the cells. If they want to survive the night, they’ll need to join our crew.”

  The pirates nodded and ran out of the chambers to inform the others. Auburn Sally hurried out on deck and the twins and Jacobson followed. She wrapped her hands around the Dolly Llama’s wheel and looked to Conner.

  “Well?” she asked. “What do we need to do to defeat Smoky-Sails Sam?”

  “It’s not a what, it’s a where,” he said. “We need to head west immediately, sail through the Parakeet Islands, and pass the Isle of Skulls.”

  The captain didn’t waste a moment asking questions. She spun the wheel so hard to her right, it almost broke off.

  “Conner, where are you taking us?” Alex asked.

  “Starboardia,” he said.

  CHAPTER NINE

  SAILING CIRCLES AROUND THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE

  The pirates scurried across the decks of the Dolly Llama like panicked ants. They blew out all the torches, lanterns,
and candles until the ship sailed in total darkness. With the moon as their only source of light, they lowered the sails and took full advantage of the night breeze. The sailors were released from the cells belowdecks and put to work loading and positioning the cannons. All it took was the mention of Smoky-Sails Sam’s name and the sailors didn’t hesitate in joining the Dolly Llama’s crew.

  Admiral Jacobson stood at the front of the ship with one leg on the bowsprit. He scanned the sea ahead to make sure there was nothing the ship might collide with in the darkness.

  “It looks clear,” he called up to the captain. “I’ll let you know if that changes.”

  Auburn Sally kept a firm grip on her ship’s wheel and a close eye on the approaching fleet of pirates behind them. With every minute, Smoky-Sails Sam was getting closer and closer to the Dolly Llama. The captain prayed Conner’s shortcut would work and they could finally defeat Sam and his crew.

  “You said to sail west to the Parakeet Islands, pass the Isle of Skulls, and then what do we do?” she asked.

  “Then we’ll sail to the right in a circle for an entire day,” he said. “The legend states, if you travel starboard for a day in the Bermuda Triangle, it’ll take you to Starboardia—hence the name.”

  “Yes, I know the legend,” Auburn Sally said. “Every pirate has heard of the myth. Are you sure it’s real?”

  Conner was getting tired of repeating himself. “Yes, I’m positive,” he said. “It’s how you guys find it in the end of the story. I’m sure it’ll work now, too.”

  “So, Starboardia is an actual location?” Alex asked.

  “Why else would I name this story ‘Starboardia’?” her brother said.

  Alex shrugged. “I thought it was just a cute name based on pirate lingo,” she said. “Is there also a Portworld or Portopia or Portland?”

  Conner froze and thought about it for a moment. “No, but that would be a great name for a sequel!” he said. “Hmm… I should write that down.”

  “Let’s stay focused on the original,” Alex said. “Is Starboardia a country?”

  “Starboardia is an ancient island,” Auburn Sally said. “It’s believed to be the only surviving land from the Lost City of Atlantis. It’s nearly impossible to find because it floats around the Bermuda Triangle like a large ship, and never passes through the same part of the sea twice. They say the debris from all shipwrecks in the Caribbean eventually washes ashore on the island’s coast.”

  “Nice backstory, Conner,” Alex said. “How will Starboardia help us defeat Smoky-Sails Sam?”

  “Hundreds of years ago, when the Europeans first settled in the Americas, an indigenous tribe was forced off their island by the white men who settled there,” Auburn Sally said. “The tribe was outnumbered ten to one, so they had no choice but to vacate and hope they would find another island somewhere else in the Caribbean. They set sail and were caught in the middle of a horrible hurricane. When the storm finally cleared, they saw Starboardia in the distance. The tribe used all the wreckage on the island to build a magnificent fortress. The structure was carefully designed to help the tribe defeat an enemy that outnumbered them ten to one, should they ever be invaded again.”

  “Oh, I get it now,” Alex said. “We’re going to use the fortress! How fun!”

  “Exactly,” Conner said. “Including Sally’s pirates and Jacobson’s sailors, we have about fifty people on this ship. Smoky-Sails Sam has five ships and about a hundred pirates on each. The fortress should do the trick.”

  Suddenly, the twins and the captain were startled by loud eruptions coming from above. Everyone aboard the Dolly Llama looked up and saw red fireworks exploding in the sky. With each bright burst, the ocean and the ship were briefly illuminated by red light.

  “Where are those coming from?” Conner asked.

  They turned to the fleet of pirate ships in the distance and saw another set of fireworks being launched from their decks.

  “Smoky-Sails Sam,” Auburn Sally said as the fireworks exploded overhead. “They’re using them to see us in the dark! Clever scum!”

  Since all the light on board the Dolly Llama had been extinguished, the approaching fleet had lost track of them, and were headed in a slightly different direction. But now with the fireworks illuminating the ship, the fleet repositioned itself and was once again headed straight for the Dolly Llama.

  “What do we do now?” Conner asked.

  “Pray the wind is stronger with us than it is with them,” the captain said. “Otherwise, we might not make it to Starboardia.”

  Conner paced the deck trying to think of a way to put distance between their ship and the fleet. At this point, Alex didn’t care how much her brother opposed her help; she wasn’t going to let his pride jeopardize their mission. When he was facing the other way, Alex covertly pointed at the sky. Almost instantaneously, thick clouds blew in and covered the stars. The atmosphere became too humid for the fireworks to go off.

  Now that the fireworks were taken care of, the Dolly Llama needed a boost so the fleet wouldn’t catch up. Alex took a deep breath and blew air toward the sails. A strong breeze came out of nowhere and pushed the ship a little faster, causing everyone on board to jolt.

  “Captain, it’s a miracle!” Siren Sue shouted from the crow’s nest. “Clouds are blocking the fireworks and the wind is making us sail faster!”

  The pirates and the sailors cheered in celebration. Auburn Sally stared at the sky in awe. Conner was surprised at how quickly the weather had changed in their favor—it was a little too convenient.

  “Alex, cut it out!” Conner said. “I told you no magic!”

  His sister shrugged innocently. “It wasn’t me,” she said. “Must be some kind of tropical storm.”

  “Nice try,” Conner said. “But tropical storms don’t blow clouds in one direction and ships in the other!”

  Auburn Sally eyed the sky again and noticed the strange phenomenon he was referring to. “What’s going on?” she asked. “Your sister is causing this?”

  “Yeah,” he said. “I forgot to mention she has magic powers—but don’t encourage her! This is my story and my project. I can get us to Starboardia and help you defeat Smoky-Sails Sam on my own.”

  Conner stomped off the upper deck and joined Admiral Jacobson at the front of the ship. Auburn Sally’s imagination had been broadened so much by the twins, this wasn’t hard to grasp. She sauntered over to Alex and casually leaned on the railing.

  “Men,” she said with a sigh. “They always want to feel like they’re in control.”

  “It’s my own fault,” Alex said. “He asked for my help earlier and I kind of embarrassed him about it. Now he thinks he has to prove himself to me.”

  “Rule number one on my ship: No woman is allowed to take orders from a man,” Auburn Sally said.

  “That’s a philosophy I could get behind,” Alex said.

  “Then as your captain, I order you to leave Smoky-Sails Sam’s fleet a few presents behind us,” the captain said. “If you get my drift.”

  Alex and Auburn Sally shared a smile—Alex knew exactly what she meant. She turned toward the fleet in the distance and pointed at the water. Several clusters of sharp rocks stuck out of the ocean behind the ship.

  “Attagirl,” the captain said.

  The obstructions and the wind helped the Dolly Llama gain distance from Smoky-Sails Sam’s fleet. Soon the pirate ships had shrunk so much in the distance behind them, they could barely see the trails of smoke emitting from their sails.

  The Dolly Llama sailed through the night, and by sunrise the Parakeet Islands appeared on the horizon ahead. Unfortunately, the rising sun gave the fleet of pirate ships a better view of the ocean, and the Dolly Llama was spotted again.

  The ship entered a narrow channel between the Parakeet Islands, and the crew learned why Conner had named them so. The islands were covered with thousands and thousands of colorful birds. It was a beautiful sight, but the farther the ship sailed through the channel,
the louder the birds’ squawking became. As if they were competing for the pirates’ attention, each bird tried to out sing the next. When the Dolly Llama reached the center of the channel, the sound became deafening. The whole ship covered their ears and moaned.

  “PUT A SOCK IN IT!” Conner yelled at the birds.

  “PUT A SOCK IN IT! PUT A SOCK IN IT!” the parakeets mimicked. “PUT A SOCK IN IT! PUT A SOCK IN IT!”

  Alex couldn’t stand the noise any longer. She snapped her fingers and birdseed rained on the islands. All the parakeets swooped down from the trees to feed and went silent. Conner shot his sister a look—but one of gratitude.

  “Okay, I suppose some magic won’t hurt,” he said. “But nothing crazy—the Dolly Llama’s crew has to feel accomplished, too.”

  A twinkle came into Admiral Jacobson’s eye as he watched the birds eat the seeds. “You know, the red worm is known to cleanse a parakeet’s stomach,” he said. “Perhaps we could leave a nasty storm behind for Sam’s fleet?”

  The twins made eye contact and mischievous smiles grew across their faces.

  “Oh, Conner,” Alex said, and clasped her hands together. “Please, please, please let me leave red worms behind!”

  “Yeah—you’ve got to,” he said. “It’s just too good.”

  Alex jumped up and down giddily and snapped her fingers again. Small red worms rained down on the islands, too, and the parakeets happily dug in. The admiral and the twins laughed as they imagined the mess the birds would leave on the fleet later that day.

  A few hours after exiting the channel, the Dolly Llama sailed past the Isle of Skulls. It was a creepy island with a permanent layer of fog hanging in the air. The shore had no beaches and was lined with dark eerie caves. The land was littered with large rocks that had been chiseled to look like large human skulls. Alex could have sworn the heads were following her as the ship passed them.

  “Hey, Conner, watch this,” Alex said. She cleared her throat and all the skulls started singing an obnoxious song by a boy band the twins knew from the radio.