An Author's Odyssey

by Chris Colfer

  “You’re practically the same person,” Jack said, and nodded over-dramatically.

  Red happily turned to the crew of the Dolly Llama. She now saw the pirates from a completely different perspective.

  “Pardon me for a moment,” she said. “I’m going to introduce myself to our crew—oh, what fun this has turned into!”

  The queen skipped to the table of pirates and sailors and introduced herself. Auburn Sally stared at Red like the queen had just escaped from an asylum.

  “She’s not sailing with a full set of sails, is she?” the captain asked.

  Across the commissary, the twins’ mother was happy to see the characters finally warming up to one another. Charlotte took the intermingling as a sign that she was succeeding as a glorified babysitter. Things had gotten significantly easier now that they were in the hospital. There was plenty of room for all the characters, no one was breaking Charlotte’s possessions, and everyone was getting along for the most part. There was only one thing missing to make it an enjoyable experience: Alex and Conner. Spending several hours a day with her son’s characters made Charlotte miss Conner more than ever. He had never shared his stories with his mom, so it was nice for her to see them come to life piece by piece.

  Charlotte heard a familiar jingle and turned toward the door of the commissary. It swung open and her heart sank into the pit of her stomach—they had company!

  Dr. Sharon Jackson, a clinical psychologist at Saint Andrew’s Children’s Hospital, stepped into the commissary with an elderly couple. Sharon was an African American woman with curly black hair who wore several bracelets around each of her wrists that jangled as she walked.

  “And this is the new storybook commissary,” Dr. Jackson told the couple as she escorted them inside.

  The psychologist was floored to see that it was filled with so many strange people. The elderly couple cleaned the lenses of their glasses to make sure their eyes weren’t deceiving them. All the characters in the room froze and went dead silent—they had been caught!

  “Hi, Sharon,” Charlotte said. “What brings you to the new commissary?”

  “Charlotte, meet Mr. and Mrs. Carmichael,” Dr. Jackson said. “They’re two of the donors who paid for the construction of the new wing. I was just giving them a tour of the facility. Who are all these people?”

  Charlotte’s options were limited. Telling her co-worker the truth was out of the question, and there were very few lies that could explain why so many costumed adults were gathered there. Coming up with something that wouldn’t get her and Bob into trouble with the hospital was nearly impossible.

  “They’re performers,” Charlotte said. “Bob and I wanted to surprise the patients and the staff with a little entertainment.”

  The characters were impressed by how convincing Charlotte’s lie was, especially one that had been thought of on the spot. Dr. Jackson and the Carmichaels were touched by Charlotte and Bob’s generosity.

  “Oh, how wonderful!” Mrs. Carmichael said. “They remind me of the circus! When is the performance? We’d love to see it.”

  “Tomorrow night,” Charlotte fibbed again. “In the multi-purpose room, at eight o’clock.”

  “It’ll be a late night for us, but we’ll be there!” Mr. Carmichael said.

  “That is so kind of you, Charlotte,” Dr. Jackson said. “What show are they performing? Is it something I know?”

  Charlotte eyed the characters for assistance, but none of them were helpful. They watched the twins’ mother like she was a show herself.

  “They’re still figuring it out,” she said. “That’s why everyone is dressed so differently. They’re going to rehearse all the shows in their repertoire for me so I can select one that will be best for the children.”

  “We’ll be looking forward to it!” Dr. Jackson said. “May I spread the word, or are you still keeping it under wraps?”

  Charlotte laughed. “I guess the cat is out of the bag now,” she said. “Feel free to let everyone know.”

  “Sounds terrific!” Dr. Jackson said. “The kids are going to love it! We’ll let you get back to rehearsals.”

  Dr. Jackson escorted the Carmichaels out of the commissary. Charlotte faced the characters in a panic. Her face turned bright red, and she was thinking only in swear words.

  “Looks like we’re putting on a show,” she said. “Anyone have an idea of what we should do?”

  “William Shakyfruit has a collection of hysterical plays, but I don’t think we can pull one of them off by tomorrow night,” Red said.

  “Anyone else have a suggestion?” Charlotte asked.

  Trollbella was the only character to step forward. She went to the center of the room, looked up at the fluorescent lighting, and spread her arms out like she was having a religious experience.

  “My time has come,” she said in a trance. “Finally, life has presented me with an opportunity to show my purpose. At last, I have an outlet to combine all my talents for something that matters.”

  “You mean, besides being a queen?” Goldilocks asked.

  “Governing is just a side gig,” Trollbella said. “My true calling has always been the performing arts. I have the perfect performance for our predicament. It’s the greatest story ever told.”

  “‘Little Red Riding Hood’?” Red asked.

  “‘THE PRINCE OF THIEVES’?” Robin Hood asked.

  “‘Peter Pan’?” Peter asked.

  Trollbella raised a finger to silence them. “No,” she said. “‘The Life and Times of Queen Trollbella’!”

  The troll queen flicked her hands through the air and mimed falling confetti. The other characters slumped—each thought their story was a much better choice.

  “We need to start at once!” Trollbella said. “I’ll write, direct, and narrate the performance myself, as nobody knows Trollbella like Trollbella. I’ll need the pirates to build the sets and the Cyborgs to adjust the overhanging fireless torches.”

  “Those are called lights,” the Cyborg Queen said.

  “Now for casting,” Trollbella said. “The Merry Men will be my goblins, the Lost Boys will be my trolls, handsome Jack will be my Butterboy, beautiful Red will play the title character, and fat Goldilocks will be the creature that keeps us apart.”

  “I’m pregnant,” Goldilocks said.

  Trollbella winked at her. “Of course you are.”

  “Can I have a bigger role?” Peter Pan asked.

  “I have the perfect part for you,” Trollbella said. “No one can portray the highs and lows of life like a boy who can fly! You will symbolize my heart and personify the joy, the conflict, and the agony I’ve experienced in my very short life.”

  “Wicked!” Peter Pan said.

  Trollbella took charge of the room like a mad conductor, and her eyes widened with power.

  “This will be the best surprise performance in the history of Saint Andrew’s Children’s Hospital!” Trollbella declared. “The audience is going to be so invigorated, so inspired, so dumbfounded—it’s a good thing medical professionals will be standing by!”

  The characters throughout the commissary were a little frightened by the troll queen. None of them had given her the authority to direct the performance, but none of them were going to take it away from her, either.

  “Don’t just sit there like porcelain porcupines—let’s get to work!” Trollbella ordered.

  Right away, the characters split into the groups she had assigned. Trollbella walked around the commissary and met with each cluster privately to discuss her vision in greater detail.

  As they deliberated over the performance, the binder of short stories flipped open and the twins stepped out of the beam of light with Professor Wallet, Blaze, Whipney, Morph, and Bolt. The Zibling characters looked around the commissary in wonder. The other characters were so busy planning the performance, they didn’t even look up at the superheroes.

  “Welcome to the Otherworld,” Alex told the Ziblings.

 
“Wow!” Bolt said. “A whole other dimension! This is so cool!”

  “There’s no science to prove this is possible, but I’ve always said there is too much world for just one planet,” Professor Wallet said.

  Conner whistled to get the room’s attention. “Hey, everybody,” he said. “These are our friends the Ziblings—they’re superheroes and have agreed to help us fight the Literary Army.”

  “Can one of you sew?” Trollbella asked.

  “I can transform into a sewing machine,” Morph said.

  “That’ll do,” Trollbella said. “You’ll be in charge of costumes.”

  The troll queen grabbed Morph’s hand and pulled him into her group of set designers.

  “Costumes for what?” Alex asked.

  “We were caught by one of my co-workers,” Charlotte told the twins. “I didn’t know what to say, so I told her the characters were performers. The good news is she believed it. The bad news is we have to put together a show for tomorrow night.”

  “Oh, Butter-in-law,” Trollbella sang to Charlotte. “Is there a place we can get materials, or can we use the tablecloths and the wood from the walls?”

  “Yikes,” Alex said. “I’d better get them some supplies before Trollbella tears this place apart.”

  “I could probably travel into the next story alone if you want to stay here and help,” Conner said.

  “Are you sure you won’t need a hand?” Alex asked.

  “Positive,” Conner said.

  Alex didn’t want to desert her brother, but she knew he’d be fine on his own. Charlotte was glad Alex was sitting the next one out because it presented a wonderful opportunity—one she had been hoping for.

  “Conner, I have today and tomorrow off,” Charlotte said. “Maybe I could join you in the next one? I would love to travel into one of your stories and see everything you’ve created.”

  Having his mom tag along seemed like the worst idea in the world. It was like she wanted to walk him to his classroom when dropping him off at school. He forced himself to smile so he didn’t hurt her feelings.

  “Oh… great,” he said through his teeth.

  Charlotte could tell her son wasn’t thrilled by the idea. “Only if I won’t be a burden,” she said sadly. “I would hate to interfere. I’m just as happy to stay here and continue watching the characters.”

  He couldn’t tell if she was intentionally making him feel guilty or not, but the effect was strong. Obviously it was something Charlotte really wanted to do, and Conner didn’t have the heart to tell her no.

  “It’ll be totally fine,” he said. “I’d love to have you there.”

  Charlotte clapped cheerfully. “What’s the next story about?” she asked.

  “It’s called ‘The Adventures of Blimp Boy,’” Conner explained. “It’s about a young archaeologist in the 1930s who travels across the world on a giant blimp. He searches through ruins and finds precious artifacts before they’re stolen by tomb raiders, and then donates them to museums.”

  “How exciting!” Charlotte said. “Is there anything special we need to do while we’re there?”

  “We have to find a magical talisman in an ancient pyramid,” Conner said. “Whoever possesses the talisman is granted control over a legion of mummified soldiers. Once we bring the mummies here, we’ll finally be finished recruiting the army we need to face the literary villains.”

  “I can’t wait!” his mom said. “Let me just find my purse. Alex, if you see Bob, tell him I briefly stepped into another dimension with your brother.”

  Charlotte searched the commissary for her bag. Alex gazed at Conner with her deepest sympathies.

  “Good luck,” she said.

  Conner sighed and shook his head. “What could be better than an afternoon of mummies and Mom?”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  THE ADVENTURES OF BLIMP BOY

  Conner poured the Portal Potion on his next story, and he and his mom stepped through the beam of light. Charlotte marveled at the world of handwritten words waiting on the other side. She laughed and gasped as her son’s handwriting whirled around them.

  “Conner, this is incredible!” she said. “Where are all the characters?”

  “Mom, we’re not in the story yet,” he said. “This is just the area that creates the story around us—it’s like the Portal Potion’s lobby. ‘The Adventures of Blimp Boy’ starts in India. You’ll know we’re there when you see a jungle.”

  “How fun!” Charlotte said. “I’ve never been to a jungle before.”

  She watched in wonder as the words jungle trees, temple ruins, and screeching monkeys stretched and filled the empty space around them. Word by word, a tropical Indian wilderness was created before their eyes. There were thousands of thick trees with large, drooping leaves and vines. It was very warm and so humid that their clothes stuck to their bodies. Playful monkeys growled and shrieked as they climbed through the tree branches above. Over the treetops, Conner and Charlotte could see the spiraling towers of an ancient temple in the distance.

  “This is it,” Conner told his mom.

  Charlotte dug through her purse and pulled out a bottle of lotion. She rubbed it on her face and arms and then handed it to her son.

  “What’s that?” Conner asked.

  “It’s insect repellent with SPF,” Charlotte said. “I don’t want us getting sunburned or bitten while we’re in the jungle.”

  Conner could already tell this was going to be a long trip. He rubbed the repellent on his skin and handed it back to his mom. Charlotte walked around the jungle like she was inspecting a house for sale.

  “Well, it’s nice,” she said. “There are lots of plants and interesting animals to watch, but that heat really gets to you, doesn’t it?”

  “Don’t worry, we won’t be here very long,” Conner said. “The lead character should be running by any minute now.”

  They heard a rustling in the jungle as someone ran toward them from the temple. A few moments later, a fourteen-year-old boy appeared. He came to a halt when he saw Conner and Charlotte. They were the last things he had expected to see in the jungle.

  The boy wore an aviator hat with goggles and flaps over his ears, a fitted brown leather jacket, khaki pants, and tall boots. His face was bright red and he panted from running. He held a golden relic shaped like a human hand tightly under his arm. The boy looked like he could have been Conner’s little brother.

  “Who are you?” he asked them.

  Charlotte shook his hand excitedly. “Hi there,” she said. “I’m Conner’s mom, Charlotte. It’s very nice to meet you!”

  The boy stared at her strangely: Was he supposed to know her son? Conner sighed and slapped his palm against his forehead.

  “Mom, he doesn’t know who we are yet,” he whispered to her. “We have to act like this is the first time we’re meeting him.”

  “My apologies,” Charlotte whispered back. “I’ll let you do all the talking.”

  Conner turned toward the boy and tried to smooth things over.

  “Forgive my mom,” Conner said. “She’s a little delirious. We got separated from our tour guide and have been lost in the jungle for days! It’s so good to see another human being. What’s your name?”

  “I’m Beau Rogers,” the boy said.

  A series of thunderous growls came from the jungle behind him. Beau glanced back and gulped nervously. Although they couldn’t see what was coming, they could hear a group of animals rushing through the trees toward them.

  “We’re all about to become lunch if we don’t get out of here,” Beau said. “Follow me if you value your life!”

  Beau sprinted into the trees and gestured for Conner and Charlotte to come with him. Conner ran after him, but when he turned around he saw his mom hadn’t moved. She was standing in the same spot, stretching her feet and legs.

  “Mom! We’ve got to go!” Conner yelled.

  “I know, I heard him,” she said. “But I’ll really regret it if I d
on’t stretch before running. You’ll know what I’m talking about when you get to be my age. Okay, now I’m ready.”

  Another roar sounded through the jungle. Conner and Charlotte could see that the commotion was coming from a pack of tigers running straight toward them. Charlotte screamed and ran after Beau faster than Conner had ever seen her move before. He followed but could barely keep up with her.

  “I never knew you ran so fast!” Conner said.

  “I ran track in college,” Charlotte said. “Those are real tigers chasing us! What are real tigers doing in your story?”

  “What were you expecting? Puppets?” Conner asked.

  “I guess I was expecting everything to be more innocent, like a school project!” she yelled. “I didn’t think I’d be running for my life!”

  Conner and Charlotte caught up with Beau, but as they gained distance, the tigers did, too. They got closer by the second, and it wasn’t long before they were close enough to swipe at them. Whenever a tiger got too close, Charlotte smacked it in the nose with her purse.

  To add to their troubles, Beau was leading Conner and Charlotte right to the edge of a cliff. The tigers started slowing down, assuming their prey had nowhere to go. Beau didn’t seem discouraged at all by the cliff, though; in fact, it made him run even faster.

  “We’re almost there!” Beau said.

  “Almost where?” Charlotte said. “We’re trapped between death and death!”

  “Mom, Beau knows what he’s doing!” Conner said. “When we get to the cliff we have to jump!”

  “WHAT?” Charlotte yelled.

  “You have to trust me or you’ll be cat food!” Conner said.

  Charlotte ignored every instinct to slow down and continued running with the boys.

  Right when they reached the cliff, a massive blimp rose above the edge like a sunrise. The blimp was bright white like an oval cloud, and a long silver gondola with several round windows stretched under its belly. An old woman aboard the blimp slid its wide door open just in the nick of time, and Beau, Conner, and Charlotte jumped over the cliff and landed inside. They collapsed on the blimp’s floor and stayed in a dog pile until they caught their breath.