by T. K. Leigh
Gingerly placing her fingers on the piano, she played the opening chords of the song before her voice filled the bar. It felt good to be back there, doing what she did best. It was all she knew. It was all she had left. Alexander had taken everything else from her. He took her heart and she now knew that she would never get it back. He continued to hold onto it, even though he was going to marry Chelsea.
As she sang, she thought about her decision to leave Alexander all those months ago and how, at the time, it seemed like her only option. His words still haunted her. It will destroy me, too. She still heard him saying that in her dreams. Was her inability to deal with her past still destroying him?
Alexander stared intently at Olivia as she sang about being away, then returning only to have her heart ripped out. She was right. It was the perfect song for the situation because that’s exactly what happened. Olivia showed up, desperately wanting him to take her back, but all he did was push her away to protect his own heart. How was that any better than what she had done to him? How was it any different?
“Hey. You okay, bro?” Tyler whispered.
“Yeah. I’m good.” Alexander stood up, throwing several bills on the bar.
“Wait. Where are you going?”
“I don’t know, Ty. I just can’t be here right now. I shouldn’t be here. I should be home with Chelsea.” He walked toward the front door of the bar.
Tyler leapt up, running to catch up to Alexander as Olivia sang about a worn out soul. “Do you mean that?”
“What?” Alexander looked at Tyler with a questioning expression on his face.
“Do you really think you belong at home with Chelsea? If that’s truly what you think you want, I will support you one-hundred-and-ten percent. You know I will.”
Alexander glanced over at the stage, his eyes meeting Olivia’s. He inhaled sharply at the expression on her face, and their eyes remained locked for several long seconds. Bowing his head slightly, he shook it, unable to look into her sad brown eyes anymore…eyes that always looked large on her face but now looked like they didn’t even belong there.
He walked outside, Tyler following close behind.
“Alex, please. Think about it.”
“I have thought about it, Tyler,” he replied, stopping in his tracks to face his brother. “I’ve thought about it so much over the past few months. And then even more so over the past few days. At first, when I let her walk away from me this past Monday, I kept kicking myself for not screaming out her name and pulling her into my arms, telling her that I forgive her. But I don’t know. She’s only going to run again. And next time, I don’t know if I could possibly survive it. So I need to do this for me. I need to move on and regain control of this situation, and marrying Chelsea is the only way I know that I can.” He turned, walking briskly in the direction of his car.
“Goddamnit,” Tyler muttered, following his brother and trying to catch up to him. “Don’t you think that’s a little rash?” he shouted.
Alexander turned around again, stopping in front of a brick building, the chilly Boston air sending shivers down his spine, causing his teeth to chatter.
“Have you thought about how hypocritical you’re being?” Tyler asked quietly. “You push her away because you’re scared of getting hurt. That’s the exact thing she did to you. What makes it okay for you to do it?”
“Don’t you think I know that?!” he yelled, running his hands through his hair, glaring at his brother. “And it doesn’t make it okay, but I need to do it.”
“Call it self-preservation,” a sweet voice interrupted.
Alexander and Tyler both turned to see Olivia standing to the side.
Tyler lowered his eyes, unsure of how much of his and Alexander’s discussion she had overheard. Alexander couldn’t do anything but stare into those big brown eyes. He was drawn to her eyes as much that day as he was the first time he gazed into them.
Noticing a tense situation, Tyler cleared his throat. “Well, I’ll just leave you two alone. I’ll call you tomorrow, Alex.” Tyler turned, leaving Alexander alone with Olivia.
“Olivia, I…”
“Alexander, please.” She pulled her jacket tighter around her body, desperately seeking warmth. “Don’t say anything. Let’s just pretend we never ran into each other. I’m sure that’s what you want. That way you can go on with your life. I know I threw your perfect little world into a tailspin the minute I came back to town and I’m sorry. I just thought…” She trailed off, not knowing how to finish her sentence without breaking down.
Alexander took a step toward her, their bodies almost touching. Olivia whimpered at the intense feeling coursing through her from the proximity of his strong muscular body to hers once more. She looked up into his green eyes, wondering if she still had the same effect on him that he had on her. Seeing the desire pooling behind them, she had her answer. She quickly lowered her head, looking down at her boots as she stood on the snowy sidewalk, hopelessly trying to avoid his gaze.
“Look at me,” Alexander said.
Olivia shook her head. “No, Alexander!” she cried. “Please. I understand your reasons. Believe me, I do. But I just can’t stand to look into your eyes right now. They haunt me enough in my dreams already. Every night for the past four months that’s all I’ve seen. Your eyes. I could draw them from memory. I just can’t bear to look at them right now, knowing that you don’t…”
Alexander wrapped his arm around Olivia’s waist, pulling her body close as electricity coursed through his entire being from the feeling of her delicate frame crushed against his.
“Please…” she whimpered, her head buried in his chest as she inhaled his scent, still avoiding his eyes. “My heart can’t take it, Alex. Please. Set me free,” her voice pleaded with him, still keeping her eyes turned down.
“You… You can’t mean it.”
Olivia brought her hand to her cheeks, wiping her tears and trying to hide the pain in her face. “You’re getting married to someone else, Alexander. Please. I need you to release this hold you still have on me. I’m trying to stay so strong, and then you pull me back in and I fucking crumble in your embrace. You made your decision. Now I need you to honor it so that I can survive.”
Alexander’s heart sank as he released her. “What do you mean, Olivia? Survive what?”
She took a deep breath and turned to walk toward the subway station. “Life without you in it.”
“Olivia, love.”
She stopped in her tracks at the mention of that term of endearment. She heard his voice calling her that in her dreams, only to wake up knowing that his new love was Chelsea.
“Please. You broke me, Olivia,” Alexander explained, wanting her to turn around and face him. “You, of all people, must understand.”
Olivia nodded slowly. “I understand.” Looking over her shoulder, her eyes finally met his. “And I wish you all the happiness in the world,” she said, turning her head forward. “But, please, release me.”
Alexander took several deliberate steps, standing mere breaths behind her. “I don’t think I can.”
She sobbed. “That’s not fair. You need to. You’re getting married. Why are you marrying her if you won’t let me go?”
He placed his hand on her stomach, pulling her back into him as he leaned down and kissed her hair, attempting to soothe her sobs. “Because you already have my heart. You’ve had it for longer than I think you realize,” he explained. “And I don’t want it back, but that still doesn’t mean I am prepared to leave Chelsea. She cares about me.”
“And she’s a sure bet,” Olivia muttered, finally realizing his reasons for pushing her away.
“Yes. She won’t run when things get tough, and I need that control in my life, Olivia. And with you, I am anything but in control. You’ve got to understand that.”
Olivia turned around to face Alexander. “Do you love her, Alex?” She searched his eyes for the answer she already knew.
He rolled his eyes. “Why
does everyone ask me that?”
She shrugged. “It’s a simple question,” she said quietly. “Do you love her? Does she set your body on fire with a simple touch? Does the thought of her bring a smile to your face? Do you miss her when you’re at work? When you get a new text message, does your heart race as you run to your phone, desperately hoping that it’s her because just the thought of a kind word from her sends butterflies dancing in your stomach?” Olivia took a step closer. She leaned in and whispered in his ear, her breath hot on his neck. “When you get home from a long day of work, do you want nothing more than to just bury yourself inside of her, savoring the closeness of your two bodies?” She stepped back, staring into his eyes. “Alexander, do you love her?” she quivered.
Alexander stood there, speechless at Olivia’s words. With each question, he could answer yes…but not about Chelsea. Only Olivia made him feel that way, but he couldn’t tell her that. It was too painful to admit. As much as he wanted to scream to the world that he loved Olivia, he didn’t. He stayed mute, as he so often did those days.
“You may want to answer that question before you marry her.” Olivia turned and made her way down the steps to the subway station, leaving Alexander in the snow, watching her walk away from him yet again.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
A FAVOR
OLIVIA COLLAPSED ON THE couch after finally getting home from Open Mic, not wanting to leave her house ever again. She couldn’t go anywhere. The entire city reminded her of Alexander. The Commons. Open Mic. Her work. MacFadden’s. Everywhere she turned, there was yet another reminder of what she lost.
Days drifted by and Olivia stayed in the confines of her house, refusing to go into her bedroom, the smell of Alexander on the sheets still ever-present. She spent most of her days on the couch, curled up in a ball. Kiera and Mo had called and texted multiple times, but she wasn’t ready to face them just yet. Thankfully, her friends knew enough to give her some space and time. They say that time heals all wounds. Olivia prayed that was true.
As she checked her e-mail each day, a new Google search alert would appear, discussing new details about the Alexander-Chelsea wedding. Photos emerged of the happy couple at a variety of pre-wedding activities. Engagement parties. Bridal showers. An internet poll was already taking bets on when their first child would be born. Over the weeks, tears wouldn’t flow anymore. But the dull ache was still there. It had never left.
She would occasionally look out her front window to see a black SUV parked on the street, Carter usually in the driver’s seat, his eyes trained on Olivia’s home. He would nod at her, a stoic look across his face. At first, Olivia would ignore him. Then she started to leave the couch to sit in the bay window, drinking her coffee as she stared at him. After a few days, he caught on and would have a coffee with him during that time each day. It made her smile.
In the evenings, Carter left and Martin would sit in the SUV, keeping an eye on things. Olivia wondered why, even after everything, Alexander still felt the need to protect her. Maybe he did still care about her. She recalled her last conversation with Alexander and how he couldn’t even tell her that he loved Chelsea.
One day, after several weeks passed, she woke on the couch and trudged over to make a cup of coffee. She was pretty much surviving on just coffee and alcohol. After preparing her drink, she walked over to sit in her bay window, feeling the cold winter air on the window. She spotted the black SUV and raised her cup to her mouth, hoping to meet Carter’s eyes.
But the eyes that stared back weren’t Carter’s. They were those green eyes that she kept seeing in her dreams every night. Her throat let out a silent cry. She sat there, drinking her coffee and staring at Alexander. She willed him to get out of the car and come talk to her, tell her that he made a mistake and that he wasn’t going to marry Chelsea. She pleaded with him with her eyes, but he never moved.
He sat there every day that week, not getting out of the car, keeping watch over her house. Her self-imposed prison.
She listened to all the people on the street, bustling about the busy Boston neighborhood, and Olivia sat on her couch. All alone. Exactly how she wanted everything, or so she thought. Her only comforts were the multiple bottles of liquor that she had.
On a snowy day, Olivia stood up from her couch to feed Nepenthe and felt weak, wondering when she ate last. Walking to the cupboard, she found a few snacks to munch on as she looked at the calendar. She didn’t know how long she had been moping around her house. Alexander still remained outside in his SUV. He hadn’t come crawling back to her, saying he made a terrible mistake. He had said nothing. He just sat and watched her.
Olivia heard a buzzing in her kitchen and walked over to the island. It was her cell. She continued to ignore it, just as she had been doing since she got home after Open Mic night all those days ago. But she finally realized that she couldn’t ignore life forever.
“Hey, Kiera,” Olivia said, reluctantly answering the phone.
“Jesus H. Christ, Libby! What the fuck is going on?! Your door is dead-bolted, and that’s cool, but holy shit!”
“Yeah. Sorry. It’s been a rough week, I think,” she replied dryly.
“I figured as much. But try several weeks, bitch. I’ll be there in twenty minutes. Do not lock me out or I swear to God…”
“I know, I know,” Olivia interrupted. “You’ll cut a bitch.”
“Yes. Yes, I will,” Kiera said chirpily before she hung up the phone.
Olivia groaned and unlocked the dead-bolt before dragging herself upstairs to take a shower. She stood underneath the running water, thinking about what went wrong. She knew she was taking a risk pouring her heart out to Alexander. And he did say he was happy, although he didn’t sound too convincing. He couldn’t even say that he loved Chelsea.
“Olivia? Where are you?” Kiera’s voice cut through her thoughts.
“I’m in the shower,” she shouted. “Be out soon.” She jumped out of the shower and, after being absolutely disgusted looking at her skeletal frame, threw on some yoga pants and a sweatshirt. She brushed out her hair and put it up in a messy bun before heading downstairs to see Kiera.
“Happy birthday!” Kiera and Mo shouted when Olivia walked into the living room. She stopped in her tracks, surprised. It was long past her birthday, but she had missed celebrating it with her friends.
They made up for it, carrying in bags of food. “Sorry. It’s all we could manage last minute,” Mo said as Olivia grabbed a piece of sushi. She looked at her friends and immediately started crying, feeling overwhelmed by their kindness.
“Thanks, guys.” Her friends pulled her close and the three of them stood in the living room, embracing. Sushi was her favorite thing in the world, except for oysters. But Alexander ruined oysters for her.
“I don’t know what I’d do if you two weren’t in my life.” Olivia looked at her two friends.
“Okay,” Kiera said, bouncing up and down. “No more crying. From now on, only smiles.”
“Don’t I wish…” Olivia said, giving her a sideways glance. She grabbed a glass of wine from Kiera and walked over to the large bay window, meeting Alexander’s eyes.
He gave her a weak smile, taking in her frail figure as Mo walked up to her and put his arms around her. Alexander thought how he wanted to be able to comfort her now, but it was Mo instead.
A tear fell down his face, wishing he could turn the clock back several weeks, or at least build up enough courage to face the woman he let walk away from him more times than he could count. But he was with Chelsea now, and she tried to make him happy.
“Come on, baby girl,” Mo said, leading her away. “Let’s get some food in your system.” He looked out the window, nodding in Alexander’s direction.
Olivia and her friends sat down at her dining room table and dug into the food, eating in relative silence for several moments. When everyone seemed to get their fill, Mo finally spoke. “So tell us. What’s going on?”
Olivia glar
ed at him.
“Livvy, I’m not putting up with your shit so just spill it. You need to talk about it and I won’t give up until you do.”
“Fine,” she exhaled. She proceeded to tell them about going to Alexander’s office, pouring her heart out to him, bumping into Chelsea in the hallway, running out of the building, and Alexander finding her on Boylston Street to return her jacket. She left out the part about some weird guy chasing her, not wanting to worry her friends. Then she told them all about her exchange with Alexander outside of Johnny D’s that same week, when he all but said he wanted to be with her, but had to push her away to protect himself. And that he couldn’t admit that he loved Chelsea.
“You should give it one more shot, Livvy,” Mo said. “He's definitely not over you. You need to give him a reason to fight for you.”
“Mo, he made it quite clear that he wanted nothing to do with me. Apart from him telling me that I'll always be his ‘Eve’, which I have no fucking clue what that even means, he's shown no indication that he's not going to go through with that goddamn wedding.”
Olivia began breathing heavy, noticing her two friends exchange a look. “What? What is it you're not telling me?”
Mo sighed. “You're his Eve. Come here, baby girl. Take a look at this.” He grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and, after searching for a video, handed the phone over to her.
She hit play on the screen, not fully comprehending what she was seeing. She glanced up at her two friends as she watched Alexander sitting at the piano at Johnny D’s, starting to play a song she knew quite well. It was actually a band she had turned him on to.
“I don't understand,” Olivia said softly.
“Every week for about a month, starting right around Thanksgiving, he would show up at Open Mic and perform,” Kiera explained. “This is the song he chose to perform right before proposing to Chelsea.”
Olivia's heart sank in her chest. She could see the pain in his face as he sang about someone he loved leaving, making him empty inside. Then about finding that person, only for them to push him away again. “I'm his Eve,” she whispered.
